Kang Juno saw Ka Jerim’s bright smile without a trace of darkness for the first time, and Go Yoon hadn’t dared to go in because that smile had been so long absent.
“We’d just be in the way if we’re there.”
Afraid they might shatter that smile.
Like that, they returned, and time passed as night arrived. The members who had practically lived at the hospital until Ka Jerim regained consciousness eventually all returned to the dorm at Director Gye’s worried scolding.
Slide—
And in the early morning when everyone was asleep, Ka Jerim’s hospital room door quietly opened.
“……Phew.”
It was Go Yoon.
After carefully opening the door while watching out for anyone who might catch him and entering Ka Jerim’s hospital room, he sat in front of Ka Jerim’s bed without saying anything and quietly looked at Ka Jerim sleeping with his eyes closed.
There wasn’t a single place that was intact.
His face was completely battered, and although he was clearly breathing, his skin was so pale white to the point of being bluish that he looked like he wasn’t breathing. He thought he had contributed to creating this pitiful appearance of Ka Jerim.
“I’m sorry—.”
Go Yoon slowly reached out and held Ka Jerim’s thin hand. It was a warm hand, quite different from the hand that had been growing cold in the car a few days ago.
Since hearing the diagnosis results at the hospital that day about how damaged Ka Jerim’s body was, Go Yoon couldn’t bring himself to appear before Ka Jerim with dignity, so he could only come to see Ka Jerim in the early morning when everyone was asleep.
“I’m sorry.”
Saying it was all his fault, he was thinking that now the only proper thing to do would be to disappear from Ka Jerim’s life.
He said he was sorry and brought Ka Jerim’s hand to his forehead.
Like that, Go Yoon stayed with his eyes closed without moving for a long while, buried his forehead in Ka Jerim’s warm hand, suppressed the rising emotions for another long while, then left. And as soon as Go Yoon left the hospital room, Ka Jerim opened his eyes and stared blankly at his hand that Go Yoon had held for a long time, then closed his eyes again.
The next day too, and the day after that too. Go Yoon just silently held Cha Hohyeon’s hand at night and repeatedly left the hospital room.
A week passed like that. A week later, today, facing the last night at this hospital, Ka Jerim closed his eyes again. And sure enough, even on the last day, at the warmth wrapping around his hand without fail, Ka Jerim stayed still.
But today was different. For Go Yoon, today was the last day with Ka Jerim. So Go Yoon, who had been looking at Ka Jerim with his eyes closed, as if emotions were welling up, pulled out the hand he had been holding and burst into tears with heaving shoulders.
He was sorry that the time he treated him well was too short.
He was so sorry that his existence was unhappiness for Cha Hohyeon. Even so, he was disgusted with himself for not being able to easily let Cha Hohyeon go like this.
Go Yoon’s complicated emotions mixed together and flowed down as tears, and like that, after holding only Ka Jerim’s hand for a long while, he left the hospital room without seeing Ka Jerim’s fingertips flinch.
“Kang Juno. It’s the last time, are you really not going to see his face?”
Go Yoon said to Kang Juno standing right in front of the door. They only showed themselves in front of Cha Hohyeon when Cha Hohyeon was asleep, and Go Yoon just silently held his hand, while Kang Juno, as if not having the courage to enter the hospital room, just fiddled with the USB and stood still leaning his back against the corridor.
For several days, Go Yoon and Kang Juno thought. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we just disappeared like this, for Ka Jerim, for Cha Hohyeon, for everyone? They had hurt him so much that thinking of Cha Hohyeon, who would recall those wounds just by seeing them, already made them feel nauseous.
“I don’t know why I’m crying and making a fuss until the very end.”
Go Yoon let out an empty laugh at his own tears and gestured to Kang Juno to hurry and go in. While doing so, as if emotions were welling up, he covered his eyes and gestured to Kang Juno to hurry and go in.
“Can I go in?”
“Hohyeon’s sleeping anyway. At least see his face and come out.”
When Kang Juno kept hesitating, Go Yoon said that. Kang Juno, who had been standing in front of Go Yoon who couldn’t even raise his voice properly for fear it might disturb Ka Jerim’s sleep, quietly passed Go Yoon, opened the door, and entered the hospital room.
Finally standing in front of Ka Jerim with his eyes closed, Kang Juno tried to reach out and hold Ka Jerim’s hand like Go Yoon, but couldn’t bring himself to hold it and lowered his hand. Kang Juno just looked at Ka Jerim’s face. When tears were dripping from Kang Juno’s eyes as he stared without even blinking, words came from Ka Jerim, who he thought was only sleeping.
“Yoon hyung, will you hold my hand?”
Kang Juno startled and stamped his feet in place. Should he go out and call Go Yoon? But if he woke up and saw him in the meantime?
Kang Juno was extremely flustered but tried to act calm and reached out, fumbling as he held Ka Jerim’s hand. It was an action that came from thinking he wouldn’t be able to distinguish between Go Yoon’s hand and his own since his eyes were closed.
When he held his hand, Ka Jerim, who had become silent for a moment, carefully opened his mouth.
“I was really in pain. It hurt so much that I thought I would die like this, and I think I resented hyung and Juno hyung a little too. So I just wanted to die again or live without the hyungs.”
Even though Kang Juno was in a situation where he couldn’t answer because he wasn’t Go Yoon, he was putting all his strength in his elbow in case Ka Jerim would get hurt if he put strength in his hand.
“But I couldn’t forget.”
With his eyes closed, Ka Jerim let out an empty laugh.
“So I barely made up my mind and went to meet the hyungs, and I heard the story that I had attempted suicide. After hearing that story, I thought I should stop everything now. That I should push the hyungs away…… I thought that.”
“……”
“You know what? I really resented God a lot too. Just when I was about to be happy with the hyungs, he was trying to take me away, so I cursed a lot, and while doing that, I begged saying I was sorry……”
Disappear? Kang Juno’s face contorted hearing those words.
“I didn’t want to make the hyungs go through pain twice. But Yoon hyung kept coming and holding my hand, and each time I got greedy. The selfish greed of wanting to disappear by the hyungs’ side even if I disappear.”
“……”
“I’m really terrible, right? I shouldn’t do this. So I was going to just send hyung away today too. But……”
With his eyes closed, Ka Jerim shed tears.
“If this is the last time, I’m really scared. So I tried holding hyung once.”
He didn’t say anything, but Ka Jerim felt it too. That today might be the last.
‘If we just stay by Hohyeon’s side……’
‘No. It would be more unfortunate for us to be by his side. Just. We have to live as if we don’t know each other.’
As the words Go Yoon said during the day came to mind, Kang Juno closed his mouth that he was about to open. He hated that he couldn’t say a single good word and had to erase himself from Cha Hohyeon, but it was just as Go Yoon said. Cha Hohyeon can’t be happy if they’re there. Kang Juno tried to put strength in his hand as his heart churned and he felt like his breathing was being choked, then quickly relaxed.
‘It’s a complete mess.’
The hands with no single spot intact, all bruised and discolored, the small face already covered with gauze and band-aids stuck all over it making it look so uncomfortable that he wondered if he could even breathe properly—he was the one who made Ka Jerim like this.
‘He’ll hate seeing me.’
Kang Juno, who lowered his head, thought. Go Yoon had believed from the start that Cha Hohyeon was Ka Jerim, but he realized it too late. Not stopping there, he had hurt him more, so Cha Hohyeon would surely hate seeing him.
So Kang Juno tried to capture the face of Cha Hohyeon, of Ka Jerim, which might be the last time, in his eyes and leave, but he froze with wide eyes at the voice he heard.
“Juno hyung.”
“……You, since when.”
“Yoon hyung’s hand is warm but Juno hyung’s hand is cold.”
When he suddenly lifted his head, he saw Ka Jerim looking at him with a bitter smile. As soon as Kang Juno saw Ka Jerim’s eyes, he hastily let go of his hand and got up from his seat.
“I, I’ll go.”
“Juno hyung.”
“I’m sorry. You called Yoon, right? Yoon is outside, that here, ah…… Anyway. I’ll bring him.”
Stammering, Kang Juno tried to leave through the door. But Kang Juno couldn’t leave at Ka Jerim’s following words.
“Hyung, did you read the small memo inside the album?”
Inside the USB album file were three songs with guidelines, song project files, and one memo. And Kang Juno slowly turned around and faced Ka Jerim, who was now sitting up looking at him.
“I…… said I’d grant you one wish. That’s still valid. What do you want to wish for?”
[One Wish (1)]
But the condition of that memo was to guess who he was. So even though Kang Juno now had a very desperate wish, he couldn’t bring the wish out of his mouth.
“No. I didn’t guess who you are.”
Kang Juno shook his head. Afraid his wish would only be a burden to Cha Hohyeon, Kang Juno stepped back saying he didn’t guess correctly.
Even though he strongly wanted to run over and embrace Ka Jerim right away, Kang Juno was too sorry to approach Cha Hohyeon, who was wounded because of him. As he stepped back and his vision became blurry so he couldn’t see Ka Jerim’s face, Kang Juno roughly rubbed his eyes and said again.
“I don’t have the right to make a wish.”
“……Then I’ll make it. Since hyung didn’t guess correctly, the opportunity could come to me who posed the question, right?”
“……”
“My wish is.”
Kang Juno squeezed his eyes shut. The wish would be to disappear from in front of him right now, right?
Should I have just pretended not to know and made a wish? Kang Juno belatedly regretted and closed his eyes, and such a Kang Juno couldn’t see how much Ka Jerim was trembling. Ka Jerim put strength in his trembling hands and tried hard to put strength in his voice that kept breaking and wanting to leave.
“Because I’m too selfish.”
We’ll regret it.
“Even if I disappear, to disappear by the hyungs’ side.”
About meeting each other.
“Can you grant it?”
But Cha Hohyeon wanted to bet on one small possibility. To bet on the possibility that he wouldn’t disappear, he resolved to willingly remain as the selfish Cha Hohyeon if he could seize present happiness.
“What did you just say……”
“Juno hyung.”
Ka Jerim smiled.
“I’m Cha Hohyeon. Isn’t there something you want to do?”
For a long while, Kang Juno stood blankly. What words had he heard? Kang Juno, who kept going over Ka Jerim’s last words in his head without rest, started shedding tears streaming down and stared blankly at Ka Jerim’s face from where he stood.
Ka Jerim was smiling, but the tears that kept flowing down dripped all the way below his chin, wetting his collar. The voice that had strength became miserably hoarse again, and his body that had tried not to tremble started trembling again. But still, he spread his arms.
“I want to try hugging Juno hyung once.”
As soon as Ka Jerim’s words ended, Kang Juno ran over and hugged Ka Jerim tightly.
Kang Juno kept crying while repeatedly stroking Ka Jerim’s back. While being held by him like that, Ka Jerim burst into tears, then looked at Go Yoon who had entered the hospital room at some point.
The long dawn had ended.
Intro: Rewrite my life
《Cha Cha’s Crayfish》 Part 1
Intro: Rewrite my life <The End>
