“Thank you for everything up until now, sunbae-nim.”
After saying that to Juno hyung and turning around, Yoon hyung couldn’t insert himself between the two of us and was restlessly fidgeting behind me, not knowing what to do as he stared at me. I pointed at the file Juno hyung was holding and spoke to him.
“Sunbae-nim, I’m sorry. My trainee life dragged on for so long and I wanted to debut quickly, so I looked at the file Juno sunbae-nim gave me and imitated it exactly. That file had everything about Cha Hohyeon written in it. If you were hurt because of me acting as Cha Hohyeon, I’m truly sorry.”
“……Cha Hohyeon. Don’t talk nonsense. How is that acting?”
Yoon hyung came up to me and grabbed my shoulder.
“Yes. So that’s why I came today to say I can’t do it anymore. I’m also tired and exhausted from imitating a dead person now. I was going to tell sunbae-nim separately later, but I regret having to inform you like thi—”
“That’s not true, I know it all. Am I a fool? Why are you doing this, Hohyeon-ah? Don’t do this.”
Yoon hyung clung to me. It was actually an absurd lie. I had known Yoon hyung much earlier than Juno hyung. So I knew Yoon hyung would never believe it.
“Sunbae-nim. Think about it carefully. How can a dead person come back to life? This is partly because I acted well, but I also think it’s Go Yoon sunbae-nim’s fault for believing such an absurd story.”
“Cha Hohyeon!”
I deliberately turned away from Yoon hyung’s hurt face. If I didn’t act coldly toward Yoon hyung like this, it didn’t seem like hyung would give up on me, so I said the exact opposite of what was in my heart.
“So let’s all stop here.”
Cha Hohyeon. Don’t cry.
I tried to hold back my tears by clenching my fingertips with force, but seeing Yoon hyung desperately clinging to me made it feel like tears would pour out. My chest ached and the words “I am Cha Hohyeon” rose up to my chin, but I held it back. This was for the hyungs’ sake.
“Look. Do you really see Cha Hohyeon in this face? Snap out of it, sunbae-nim. I’m Ka Jerim. Not the dead and gone Cha Hohyeon.”
I pointed at my face.
“No. Hohyeon-ah. Please don’t talk like that.”
Ah, it would have been nice if I could see a mirror. My expression must be pathetic. That’s why Yoon hyung is reaching out his hand to my face with a pitiful look.
I ignored the hand Yoon hyung extended toward me and tried to leave this place as quickly as possible.
“I haven’t said anything yet.”
If only Juno hyung hadn’t grabbed my wrist.
“Sunbae-nim, you hate me anyway. Isn’t it enough if I just disappear from here?”
I didn’t want to be in this place anymore. My head hurt like crazy and I felt dizzy. My vision blurred, and I felt like if Yoon hyung held onto me any longer, I would burst into tears and cling to the hyungs, so I wanted to run away quickly, but Juno hyung wouldn’t let me go.
I tried to pull my hand away from Juno hyung with force, but the hand Juno hyung happened to grab was the one holding the USB, so to pull my hand away, I had to let go of the USB.
“You, by any chance……”
Right, who would care about that tiny USB anyway? Afraid of what words would come out of Juno hyung’s mouth, I quickly let go of the USB from my hand.
Thud—
As the USB rolled on the floor, Juno hyung’s gaze fixed on the USB and the strength holding my hand loosened. Taking advantage of that gap, I turned around and ran quickly toward the door.
“Cha Hohyeon!!”
I heard Yoon hyung’s voice calling me from behind, but I hurriedly opened the door and looked for my shoes, then ran without even finding and putting on my shoes properly. I just ran like crazy across the restaurant corridor, afraid the hyungs might chase after me.
“Customer? Customer!!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I kept running while apologizing each time I bumped into many employees. While running, I almost slipped several times feeling so dizzy and nauseous, but I ran away with all my might.
Swoooosh——
And I exited the restaurant door.
Thunder kept striking in the darkened sky from the rain, but I gauged the distance from the garden to the main gate and ran and ran toward the main gate. Fortunately, there wasn’t a single person because of the heavy rain.
“Hey— if you go that way!”
After crossing the garden and bursting out of the restaurant’s main gate, the people standing in front tried to grab me, but I ran without caring. I kept running, panting for breath, afraid someone might catch me, and strangely, even though I was barefoot, my soles didn’t even feel painful.
“Ha……”
I finally stopped when I had run far enough that the restaurant building was no longer visible. The rain was still falling like crazy and I was finally alone.
The place I came to today was on the outskirts of Seoul, so I should call a taxi from the restaurant, but I didn’t have the leisure to call a taxi.
I just wanted to run away from the reality that I had to die again, wanted to run away from Yoon hyung who looked at me sadly, and wanted to run away from Juno hyung, the person I wanted to tell that I was Cha Hohyeon.
“I’m alone.”
Was it because of the heavy rain? I stood in the middle of a road with not a single car, getting rained on. The rain was thick and stinging. I wanted to look up at the cloudy sky, but I couldn’t even properly look at the sky because of the flowing rainwater, so I bowed my head and looked down at the ground.
“It’s over now.”
Now that the tension had eased, my feet were stinging like crazy. I must have gotten hurt a lot while running, but I thought it was fortunate that the socks I wore today were black socks, so nothing was visible.
“I can’t see ahead.”
It felt like I had just closed my eyes and opened them for a moment, but dizziness came over me and everything in front of my eyes turned pitch black.
At that moment, the sound of rain faded away like tinnitus, and my legs lost strength so I couldn’t stand anymore.
I collapsed starting from my knees. The ground that touched my knees was damp and painful. And then my upper body also fell powerlessly to the side, and I barely managed to turn my body to face the sky.
I still couldn’t see ahead.
I wanted to say it today.
That I am Cha Hohyeon.
But now I’ll never be able to say it.
“Why.”
Just a few days ago, I had resolved to disappear from the world because it was too hard, but even if the world wouldn’t accept Cha Hohyeon, if only the hyungs believed in me, I had resolved to remain as Cha Hohyeon.
But my choice was useless from the start.
Even if I no longer wanted it.
“Why now of all times? Why now……!”
Because I learned today that someday I would kill myself and disappear.
“I had so many things I wanted to say to the hyungs. And I wanted to comfort them for all their sadness.”
That’s why I could no longer stay by the hyungs’ side.
“I know the hyungs regret many things about me, so I wanted to listen to a lot of what the hyungs wanted to say to me.”
I lay there and sobbed. I kept fumbling my face with my hands trying to wipe away the flowing tears, but the rain and tears mixed together so I had to keep wiping even after wiping, so I eventually lowered my hands. Feeling helpless that I couldn’t do anything in this situation, all this resentment turned toward whoever brought me back to life.
“Why did you bring me back to life? Why was it me of all people?”
Whether it was Ka Jerim or God who brought me back to life, I resented them both equally.
“Even so, I had just barely made up my mind that we should all be happy together now.”
While making the album for Juno hyung, it was very hard, but in the meantime, there was hope like a ray of light. The hope that if hyung believed in me, we could all be happy together.
“I thought we could be happy!”
But I couldn’t even start. Because I ended up hearing the hidden truth that I had tried to kill myself, I could no longer remain as Cha Hohyeon in front of the hyungs. Also, because there’s no guarantee I won’t do such a thing in the future.
I didn’t ask God for something grand.
“I said I wouldn’t wish for anything else, just let me stay by their side!!”
Just to let me stay by the hyungs’ side while they were struggling.
That was all I wished for, but having to give up everything in the end was so painful. I resented whoever brought me back to life, and resented them again.
“You don’t know how much courage this took for me. I bet myself today for the last time.”
I opened my eyes. The darkness that had been blocking my vision lifted, and I could see the rain pouring down as if the sky had holes in it.
With some thought in mind, after lying there staring at the sky for a while, I didn’t even have the strength to move a finger, so without being able to properly straighten my body, I barely turned over and crawled toward the edge of the road.
While crawling, my fingernails scraped against the ground and hurt. My stomach scraped and hurt. My palms hurt and blood seeped out as if scratched by something, then repeatedly washed away by the rainwater.
And finally reaching the edge of the road, I barely stood up while supporting myself with both hands on a signpost and prayed toward the sky.
“No…… I’m sorry. Please forget everything I said.”
I kept praying.
“That’s right. This is my fault. This happened because I was too selfish. If I had been good, I wouldn’t have stayed by Yoon hyung’s side in the first place. I wouldn’t have said I was Cha Hohyeon…… I did everything wrong. But still.”
Even if my voice was hoarse and pathetic, even if the rain blocked my vision so I couldn’t see well ahead, I kept praying in that spot.
“Can’t you let me live just a little longer? I won’t wish for anything else. Please just let me live a little longer and be with the hyungs.”
The talk about me killing myself was tremendous arrogance. The words about forgetting the hyungs and being happy alone were absurd. If that could be achieved, it wouldn’t hurt like this.
“I want to be by the hyungs’ side. The hyungs need me to not be in pain. I need the hyungs too.”
Being happy alone was meaningless. Because we could only be happy when we were all together.
“So please let me live. I’m begging you like this.”
I want to live.
“Don’t make me disappear. I want to live.”
It was what I wished for most at this very moment.
