While everyone was looking at Ka Jerim’s sleeping face with gloomy expressions, Onseol, who had been sitting quietly, went out of the room and gestured to the members, telling them to come out and talk instead of making noise and waking Jerim up.
Clack—
As soon as the door closed, Onseol turned on the living room light. Everyone had faces from which sleep had fled due to this late-night incident, but no one complained. Among them sitting blankly, Onseol opened his mouth.
“By any chance, the day Jerim came back with his face ruined, does anyone know who Jerim met?”
“I don’t know.”
Ka Jerim usually came home early, but that day he came home particularly late. As soon as the door opened, Park Eden was so shocked seeing Ka Jerim’s messed-up face that he dropped the cup he was holding, and at that sound, the members who gathered in the living room each froze before rushing to Ka Jerim to ask what happened, but Ka Jerim spoke first.
“He said he fell. So rather than being with someone, he could have been alone when it happened, couldn’t……?”
“Doun-ah, why are you so naive?”
Park Eden let out a long sigh after hearing Ma Doun’s words.
“It doesn’t make sense that he fell. Who falls on their face when they fall? He just gave an excuse because he didn’t want to talk about it.”
Ka Jerim’s answer was consistent. He fell. He rolled and it ended up like this.
Actually, even with the obvious lie before their eyes, they couldn’t press him further. Because.
“I’m scared he might die.”
Scared he might die.
Scared he might suddenly die and appear one day.
“Seon Hobeom.”
“Aren’t you hyungs scared? Honestly, the first time is hard, but from the second time it’s easy.”
“Hobeom-ah, you shouldn’t say things like that.”
Seon Hobeom made an expression of complete incomprehension toward Park Eden who was restraining him.
“Aren’t you frustrated? I’m now frustrated about what he’s thinking living with us, and what he thinks of us. The sleep talking until now? Fine. Calling the names of sunbaes like the sky—Kang Juno, Moon Hamoon, Lee Robi, Go Yoon…… I pretended not to know he was calling them like his friends.”
“……”
“Not only that, but having a friendship with Go Yoon sunbae? I really didn’t understand, but I tried to understand. I thought maybe he had that sleep talk because they’re close. But what is this result?”
Seon Hobeom’s face twisted as he recalled the reddened forehead from banging his head against the wall with thuds, the feet soaked in blood from stepping on broken glass, and then Ka Jerim’s innocent face in the morning not remembering anything and instead asking back if something had happened.
“He comes back after getting beaten somewhere. He doesn’t sleep while growing and keeps trying to wander around the house.”
“……”
“Not only that, but even crying loudly. No, why is he pathetically bawling alone? Fuck, how long are we going to live like thi……”
Clack—
Seon Hobeom stopped talking at the sound of the door opening. The members, who had all been quietly bowing their heads, raised their heads and closed their mouths at the sound of the door opening. Ka Jerim had come out of the room.
“Uh. It’s still dark, wall?”
“Yeah. Jerim-ah. You’re up?”
Ka Jerim came walking out with a face still heavy with sleepiness and flinched at the brightly lit living room light. Seeing Ka Jerim’s face like that, the members smiled awkwardly and held back their words.
* * *
I woke up to the murmuring voices from the living room and thirst. When I opened the door and went out, the members stopped what they had been talking about just moments ago and looked at me.
“Why did you come out?”
“My throat, is so, dry……”
When I said that, Onseol got up from his seat and headed to the kitchen.
“Sit there. I’ll pour you some.”
“Thank you.”
I bowed my head and headed to the sofa. When I sat next to Park Eden who was sitting quietly, I felt Park Eden flinch, but more than that, I didn’t have time to care that Park Eden was avoiding me because of my throbbing forehead.
And at that moment.
Dding, dding, dding, dding.
The members’ phones all rang at once. At the same time, the members took out their phones, and as if a message had come, Park Eden and Ma Doun said to me with awkward faces.
“Then we’ll go in and sleep.”
“Jerim-ah, sleep well.”
Seon Hobeom also stammered as he spoke.
“I, I’ll sleep in Eden-i hyung’s room today……”
Onseol also belatedly brought water and gave it to me, then said good night telling me to sleep soon and went into his room.
While everyone entered their respective rooms, I blinked my eyes blankly. And I sat quietly on the sofa, curled up my body, and pricked up my ears to the small noise heard from inside the room before closing my eyes.
“Should I ask?”
They probably had something to talk about without me.
It’s probably nothing. They might just be talking about useless things, and even if it’s an important conversation…… Right. They might have created a new chat room to talk without me because the four of them have something to do.
But my thoughts showed no sign of stopping. The distracting thoughts continued to follow one after another. So I shook my head, telling myself not to think unnecessary thoughts, and fidgeted with my fingers while slowly checking my phone.
0 messages, 0 calls.
The phone with nothing on it.
“I’m lonely.”
Today it felt terribly sad.
“I feel like I’m going to die from being so lonely.”
It was a dawn when I didn’t want to be alone. Like that, I couldn’t fall asleep until morning.
In case I wouldn’t want to open my eyes to this terrible reality if I fell asleep.
* * *
I wanted to quit everything—being an idol and Ka Jerim’s life—and disappear, but I couldn’t leave. Because if I, an outsider who fell plop into the dead center of Ka Jerim’s life, leave this place, I’ll have nowhere to stand immediately.
‘Jerim-ah, you’ll get sick if you keep doing that!’
‘I’m okay.’
‘Jerim-ah!’
If I didn’t do something while tied to this place, I felt like I would die. So I became even more absorbed in working on Abyss’s regular album.
I even took charge of arranging other songs that I didn’t have to do, and even when told to stop, I continued to stay holed up in the studio working. Eventually, even the company people who had tried to stop me at first gave up and threw up both hands and feet.
After that, I didn’t go to Abyss’s dorm either, using work as an excuse. Because even though everyone was clearly together at the dorm, somehow it felt like I was alone, which I hated.
Also, even the dawn of waking up terribly lonely and alone was disgusting and hateful, so I deliberately repeated falling asleep and waking up in the studio.
[Looking for Jerim who left home! – Doun]
“……I told you not to.”
For days like that, the members packaged food and hung it on the studio door, but actually, I felt uncomfortable rather than good about the consideration and attention they gave me. Because it felt like forced care.
Anyway, I could roughly tell the flow of dates because the members hung meals on time at every mealtime, but I actually didn’t know the exact time. Because I was afraid of the day approaching when I had an appointment with Juno hyung, I covered the time display on my computer and laptop with black tape, and flipped the clock over.
This Saturday, every time I recalled the promise to meet Juno hyung again at that bar, I was scared. Because I was already afraid of how much the wounds hyung would give me would hurt.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m Ka Jerim.”
Every time I became scared and afraid, I kept reminding myself. That I am Ka Jerim.
“I’m dead.”
I kept chanting like brainwashing myself, saying that Cha Hohyeon is dead and what remains is Ka Jerim, so there’s no need to be hurt by Juno hyung’s words. But.
Actually, I was alive here like this.
It felt like I was denying my entire life I had lived so far, so no matter how much I tried to think I was dead, it wasn’t easy, but the more that happened, the harder I tried to steel my heart.
I’m dead.
Cha Hohyeon, who was beloved by Kang Juno and Go Yoon, Cha Hohyeon who smiled brightly in front of many fans, Cha Hohyeon who was loved more than anyone within Fort, is dead—saying that, I kept killing myself.
“Please stop. You’re dead. You’re dead, you idiot.”
However, Cha Hohyeon’s memories and emotions wouldn’t sink well below the surface, so I felt like I was going crazy.
At every moment when I felt like I would collapse, I clenched my teeth until they bled to endure, covered my mouth in case I might let out weak sounds and beg others to save me, and covered my ears and spent several days in case I might hear sounds of the futile past.
On the outside, it looked like I was killing myself well. But.
‘Other people will see me like this and tear me down and ridicule me, saying I’ve finally gone crazy. I’ll probably be ruined to pieces under their evaluation. Honestly, I might not be able to endure.’
But.
‘But still, I will find you.’
“Stop it. Please.”
Yoon-i hyung, who kept saying he would find me, kept coming to mind.
Each time, I ran to the bathroom like now and washed my face several times with cold water to come to my senses, but the more I did, the more vividly I heard Yoon-i hyung’s voice, and I shook my head before staring at the mirror.
Ka Jerim’s face, looking at me with a face pale white that it wouldn’t be strange if he collapsed right now, was staring at me.
Look.
How can I care about Fort when I feel like I’m dying right now? Does everyone call you an angel so you think you’re really an angel?
Let’s stop. Please stop now, forget the hyungs, and just look ahead. Stop thinking about others, don’t hurt because of others, and just think about yourself. It’s my life. Can’t I be happy alone now?
Thinking such thoughts, I tried hard to look only ahead, but if I stopped even for a moment, the hyungs dug into that gap.
‘Don’t do that. He’s not in this world. He’s already dead and gone.’
‘He exists in my world. So don’t tell me not to search for him like that. Please.’
Yoon-i hyung’s wailing.
‘Is that something a person would do? He was someone who already lived a hard life, how could you…… how could you do such a thing? Right now, every single day is like hell for us and it’s hard— how far into the abyss are you going to push me— and Cha Hohyeon!’
And Juno hyung’s anguished cry.
‘By the way, isn’t our Robi hyung crying too much? Robi hyung, now who will teach hyung Korean? This is serious.’
Robi hyung, who staggered with his tall, large frame among the reporters and burst into sorrowful tears.
