Honestly, even he himself found the changes in himself awkward and difficult as he adapted to his changed body and altered surroundings, so it gave him strength that Go Yoon readily said he would understand him first.
Go Yoon looked at Ka Jerim’s face, and though he didn’t hear an answer, he quietly gazed outside again as if he had heard one.
“The rain stopped. Should I take you back?”
It had been a brief shower.
* * *
For three months, the dorm had been empty.
All the Fort members had packed their belongings and returned to their respective homes, but there was no family to take Cha Hohyeon’s belongings, so only Cha Hohyeon’s traces remained intact in the dorm.
In the room, just like the day Cha Hohyeon left, there was a guitar sprawled on the floor, dolls gathered in one corner, bedding with marks from just having gotten up, curtains tied messily as if Cha Hohyeon had tied them, and all the traces were vivid as if Cha Hohyeon would return soon.
Go Yoon, who was slowly looking around the room, lowered his gaze and stood quietly behind Kang Juno, who was touching with his fingertips the guitar sprawled on the floor.
“It’s selfish.”
Kang Juno, who had been sitting blankly, whipped his head up at Go Yoon’s words, and Go Yoon, whose eyes met such a Kang Juno, chuckled.
“Not taking Hohyeon’s belongings, but trying to take the inheritance.”
“Go Yoon…… when did you get here?”
“Just now. What about you, what are you doing without even unpacking?”
Kang Juno must have entered Cha Hohyeon’s room as soon as he arrived at the dorm, as suitcases were thrown about in the living room. Kang Juno made an awkward expression toward Go Yoon who shrugged his shoulders while pointing at the suitcases sprawled behind them.
“What about Hamoon hyung and Robi?”
“The two haven’t arrived yet. I came first.”
Saying that, Kang Juno lowered his gaze again to look at Cha Hohyeon’s guitar while sweeping back his hair. The hair tangled between Kang Juno’s fingers had traces of patchy dyeing remaining, and as if not maintained, his hair texture was all damaged and sticking out messily. Seeing that, Go Yoon clicked his tongue.
“Hey, what is this state you’re in?”
Kang Juno was famous for his strict self-management. But the current him was just leaving his faded hair as is and roughly sweeping back his broom-like coarse hair.
“Why? I’m handsome even like this.”
“If you have a conscience, look in the mirror before saying such things.”
“I’d be handsome, whatever.”
Kang Juno’s overflowing confidence in his appearance was still the same as always.
And dissing such a Kang Juno was a repertoire that was so familiar it was tiresome during their activities, but today it felt both awkward and welcome, perhaps because it had been a while.
And where their gazes landed was the calendar hanging in Cha Hohyeon’s room, and the clock.
It was eerie that time was flowing on the clock, yet everything in this room remained the same. The calendar was also stopped at December, and the clothes taken out were not clothes to wear in March but thick, heavy clothes.
“What? Cha Hohyeon circled Christmas.”
Kang Juno, who had been sitting beside Go Yoon who was standing and looking around the room, suddenly stood up as if discovering something on the calendar, quickly approached the calendar, and stared at the red circle.
[12/25]
Next to the red circle was a cute sticker that seemed to have been given by fans. On Christmas, the members would always gather together no matter what and definitely eat cake together.
Perhaps remembering the Christmases they spent together, Kang Juno stared at that circle for a long while then suddenly burst into laughter.
“Do you remember that time? Hohyeon was about seventeen…… I think it was when he was really into gaming. Anyway, that Christmas we put only snacks inside a game console wrapping and gave it to him, and Hohyeon got sulky.”
With Moon Hamoon’s brilliant idea, they had bought a game console, put only snacks inside, and gave it to Cha Hohyeon.
Cha Hohyeon had been happy, hugging all the members and going around, then when he tore off the wrapping he got sulky and wore a pouty expression all day. Eventually when the members coaxed the angry Cha Hohyeon and took out the hidden game console, he smiled as if he had gained the whole world.
“He was so cute.”
Kang Juno, remembering that day, smiled. Go Yoon standing beside him also chuckled as if remembering that day and continued.
“He especially loved Christmas. Because when Christmas approached, it would soon be Hohyeon’s birthday.”
“Kang Juno, you knew yet were always late every birthday.”
At Go Yoon’s reproach, Kang Juno stopped what he was saying. Kang Juno blinked while still looking at the calendar, then slowly continued.
“That’s right.”
“……”
“I regret it.”
Kang Juno was the only one in the group walking the path of an actor.
For such a Kang Juno, his schedule was always so packed it was beyond full to the point of saturation, and it wasn’t easy to clear his schedule for Cha Hohyeon’s birthday.
But now what use is all that? I should have come somehow to congratulate him. That’s what I really regret.
“Hohyeon really loved cake, I should have bought him more directly or eaten with him more. Instead of just sending gift certificates.”
“Look. Even now, most of the stickers attached to Christmas are cakes,” Kang Juno added with a sad smile.
“I should have told him thank you more for coming to the drama filming set. That our maknae came carrying all this stuff and my shoulders rose up to here.”
“……”
“But I only got irritated at Hohyeon. Because he also had a lot of schedules like me, so I knew how hard it was to come to the filming set like this, so I hoped he wouldn’t come. So I got irritated in a way that told him not to come…… but he still came.”
Fan tributes, and his own tributes too.
Hohyeon always rushed to Kang Juno even while busy. Worried that Juno, being an idol, might be intimidated at drama filming sets that don’t welcome idols.
And every time Juno, tired from filming, returned to the dorm at dawn, Cha Hohyeon would run out like lightning even from sleep and always pat and comfort Kang Juno’s drooping shoulders.
“Actually I was so grateful, but I couldn’t say thank you.”
Kang Juno gripped the bookshelf with trembling hands. Then he looked at the half-written composition notebook on the desk and scanned the letters of the notebook that seemed to be written with force, pressed down one by one.
“But what use is it doing this now? When I can’t do it anymore even if I want to.”
The reason they, who were a ragtag bunch, came together was because of Cha Hohyeon, who was younger than them.
Even when hearing cynical words from his hyungs, small Cha Hohyeon, who was smaller than them but greater, persuaded them many times and reached out his hand. That’s why they could become the current Fort and climb up to here.
But the members didn’t bother to say thank you to Cha Hohyeon. Because having him by their side was a given. Because they never even imagined that he would suddenly disappear from the world like this.
“Yoon-ah, isn’t it fucking cruel? What did Hohyeon do so wrong? He’s only guilty of living kindly. So kind to the point of being damnable, enough to turn my stomach inside out watching him. That’s why I was so angry at those words that he was taken because he was an angel.”
“……”
“Everyone says Hohyeon was taken early because he was an angel, because he was too kind, I don’t know why that feels so cruel to me.”
Go Yoon, who heard Kang Juno’s words, sat quietly with a face deep in thought, then patted Kang Juno’s head once and stood up from his seat. Kang Juno’s gaze stuck to Go Yoon’s back as he stood up, and when Go Yoon reached the doorstep, Kang Juno opened his mouth.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“……Can’t you just understand?”
“Well. I don’t know if you don’t say it.”
“Fucking asshole.”
Kang Juno muttered that and ruffled his hair with a face wondering whether he should really say this or not, then stopped abruptly, lowered his head, and spoke.
“Thank you for telling us not to disband.”
Hearing those words, Go Yoon stopped his movement to leave.
“Actually, there was a time when I thought I wouldn’t have any regrets even if I quit being an idol since I also like acting. Really crazy, right?”
Kang Juno spilled out the feelings he had kept bottled up until now, one by one.
“If I had to choose between acting and being an idol, it would definitely be idol.”
“Juno-ya.”
“Even if I quit acting, I want to remain as Fort’s Kang Juno. I can’t give up Fort’s Kang Juno. I love those moments being together with you guys as Fort. I love the times practicing and laughing together with you guys so much. How could I forget that?”
“……”
“Yoon-ah, so thank you for saying not to disband. I almost regretted it for the rest of my life.”
Because they were accustomed to hiding, concealing, and masking their emotions, Go Yoon knew that Kang Juno bringing this up now actually took tremendous courage. Hearing Kang Juno’s honest thoughts, Go Yoon quietly stared at the crown of Kang Juno’s head, who was still deeply bowing as if thinking about something, then opened his mouth.
“Kang Juno, you thanked me, right?”
“Yeah.”
“If you’re grateful, grant me one wish.”
“What?”
Kang Juno widened his eyes and asked back what sudden wish this was. But Go Yoon paid no mind and continued with a firm face.
“I…… no, someone, is going to say something really absurd to you.”
“What does that mean……”
“Believe it.”
At Go Yoon’s out-of-the-blue words, Kang Juno frowned as if it was strange, but Go Yoon firmly closed his mouth as if that was all.
“Go Yoon, what does that even mean?”
Go Yoon’s voice, about to open his mouth to respond to Kang Juno who was trying to speak to Go Yoon once more, was soon buried by the sound of the door lock opening and Hamoon’s voice vigorously entering the dorm.
“We’re here!”
