Jieon still remembers the moment of the accident, the feeling of his mother, who had been sitting beside him, wrapping her arms tightly around him. It felt like something he would never forget until the day he died.
The truck driver who crossed the center line and crashed into the car Jieon’s family was in said it was because of the rain that made it slippery. He said he couldn’t see well ahead and the wheels slid on the wet road.
“They said it was drowsy driving. But what does that even matter? If I hadn’t begged to go, if I hadn’t thrown a tantrum, my mom and dad wouldn’t have been there at that moment.”
If only Mua had taken his younger sibling earlier, if only he had made the effort to let them see the construction site when it was safe, even if it was a bit more troublesome. Then maybe his sibling wouldn’t have secretly come to the construction site that day and gotten into an accident.
“It was because of me… It happened because of me, but when I came to, both of them had already passed away, so I couldn’t even say I was sorry.”
Even after becoming a Grim Reaper, Mua never got to meet his younger sibling. His sibling had died so young, unjustly and without any sin, that they had already crossed the River of Oblivion for reincarnation before Mua died and came to the Afterlife.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for becoming your older brother and not being able to do anything for you. I’m sorry for not being able to protect you and only making you suffer. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t even convey those words.
“So I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.”
Jieon blinked rapidly. He didn’t want to show such an unsightly crying face.
Mua let out a quiet sigh. He thought humans were truly ridiculous creatures. When he went to collect souls, the majority of the deceased pleaded the same way.
Please, just let me say one word of apology to someone. They wouldn’t ask to be brought back to life, so please just let them say sorry to their parents, their children, their lovers, their friends.
What was so important about saying sorry that they wanted to apologize so desperately? What meaning did those words have when they couldn’t change anything?
Mua mocked his past self as he spoke.
“Alright. I understand.”
“……”
“When I return to the Afterlife, I’ll… try my best to convey your words.”
Even so, Mua didn’t say that such a meager apology had no meaning. He didn’t offer the hollow comfort that your parents already know how you feel.
Even though he knew his younger sibling wouldn’t resent him, that certainty brought Mua no comfort at all. That’s why Mua didn’t want to offer Cheon Jieon such shallow words of comfort.
However.
“And…”
At Mua’s quietly continuing words, Jieon held his breath. In that moment, Shin Mua’s voice sounded so fragile and sad that he felt like a different being from the rigid Grim Reaper who had scolded him.
“Death… is sorrow for the living, but it also provides rest for the dead. How could the steps of leaving a young child behind alone be light, but ultimately, the Afterlife also does the work of shaking off all of that…”
“……”
“Your parents must have eventually found peace too.”
What had comforted Mua was that his younger sibling no longer suffered from hunger and cold and had escaped from the shackles of an incompetent and pathetic older brother. Mua hoped that his words would at least slightly ease the resentment knotted in Jieon’s heart.
Jieon couldn’t say anything for a long while. It felt like if he opened his mouth, tears would come pouring out. He felt like he wanted to pull Shin Mua into an embrace and cry his heart out.
This was the first time he had honestly opened up about such feelings to someone. He especially couldn’t do it in front of his grandfather. He had lost his parents, but his grandfather had lost his child. He thought it would be shameless to grieve and miss them in front of him.
Thinking that his parents had died because of him, Jieon couldn’t easily bring up talk of his parents in front of anyone. As he grew up, he pretended to be even more okay.
Like that, the unresolved sadness and guilt inside him clumped together and became a hard thorn, and for the first time in his life, he had laid those fragments before another person.
He felt an indescribable, strange emotion. He was sad, then felt relief, then felt comforted, and in some ways felt lighter. Nothing had been resolved in reality, yet he was glad that someone had listened without judging his heart. To be a bit more honest, it seemed even better that the someone was Shin Mua right now.
“Thank you.”
After pushing down many emotions, Jieon finally spoke.
“Sure.”
Mua only answered indifferently, the same as always.
***
‘If we keep injecting such strong medication like this, it might become truly irreversible later. How about stopping the medication?’
The doctor said, but Shin Mua shook his head.
‘Not yet. Not yet. Please help me endure just a little longer. Just three months, no, even two months is fine.’
Shin Mua looked desperately urgent somehow.
‘Haa… If we proceed further from here, there’s a high possibility that the hormones won’t return to normal even after stopping the medication later. Are you still okay with that?’
‘…Yes. I’m okay with it. Either way, there’s no other method right now. I’ll accept the side effects, so please let me use the medication. I’m begging you.’
The doctor wrote the prescription with a long sigh. Shin Mua was staring at the doctor with an anxious face. It was a scene from some unknown time.
***
Mua’s shoulders flinched greatly as he opened his eyes. He had been tossing and turning because he couldn’t sleep and must have dozed off for a moment.
“Was the body unwell?”
Mua muttered while looking at the ceiling with a dazed mind. It seemed like it was Shin Mua’s memory, but it was disappointing that it wasn’t a particularly necessary scene. If he was going to remember fragmentary bits, it would be nice if more decisive scenes came to mind.
Though it was somewhat puzzling that Shin Mua looked quite desperate, humans getting sick was fairly common. Anyway, this body was already dead, so there was no need to worry about health.
However, there might be unexpected clues, so it seemed good to check the records at the hospital.
His thoughts continued one after another. Before long, the scene he had glimpsed earlier disappeared and the conversation he had with Cheon Jieon today came to mind. The reason he couldn’t sleep in the first place was because his mind had been trapped in that conversation all along.
Before officially becoming a Grim Reaper, Mua had the opportunity to erase all his memories from when he was human. In fact, far more Grim Reapers chose to erase their memories. It was a natural result since attachment to their current life disappeared while going through the training to become a Grim Reaper.
However, Mua did not do so. Even while training, he hated himself for being bound to memories from his human days, which conversely gave him the stubborn determination not to erase his memories. He wanted to naturally transcend his emotions of his own will.
That was only the surface reason.
Lord Yeomra clicked his tongue but respected Mua’s wishes, though in truth, he had seen through Mua’s inner thoughts. He noticed that it wasn’t stubbornness but that Mua still carried guilt about his younger sibling.
‘Foolish bastard. Do you think I don’t know what’s in your heart? Anyway, this guy can’t come to his senses even after all that training! Aigoo! Hey, how does you suffering while carrying those memories help your younger sibling’s reincarnation in paradise? Fine, do as you please! Stupid bastard.’
Looking back, he thought Lord Yeomra’s words were completely right. He didn’t want to hear that he was being swayed by emotions because he didn’t erase his memories from when he was human. So he had carried out his Grim Reaper duties more rigidly than anyone else, but in truth, even Mua himself had thought he was a foolish and stupid bastard.
“All that training was for nothing. It was wasted effort.”
Mua muttered self-deprecatingly as he got up from the bed. It seemed like sleep wouldn’t come no matter how long he stayed lying down.
Solving the current incident wasn’t easy, yet here he was still being swayed by such emotions—what should he do? It’s all because of Cheon Jieon. Because that human suddenly spilled his story, the emotions got transmitted to him too. Muttering such cowardly excuses, Mua opened the door and came out.
His chest felt stuffy, so he was thinking of taking a walk near the hotel.
And the moment he came out to the lounge, Mua tensed his entire body as he sensed an unfamiliar energy. Goosebumps rose from the back of his neck down to his waist. He could see Cheon Jieon’s door open about a hand’s width in the distance. The strange energy was flowing out from there.
“Cheon Jieon!”
Mua quickly ran to his room. Could the curse’s energy have followed them all the way here? But how? In that brief moment, countless questions tore through his mind.
“Are you alright!”
Mua, who had flung the door open and entered, urgently looked around to find the source of the energy.
Seoran had clearly given them protective talismans, yet if the curse had followed them, there must be a medium. Without one, it wouldn’t be possible to have such an immediate effect on someone so far away.
But soon, Mua realized that the unfamiliar energy he felt was flowing not from the surroundings but from Cheon Jieon himself. Feeling puzzled, Mua approached him. The closer he got, the unfamiliar energy became a slightly clearer form and tickled the tip of Mua’s nose.
That’s right. It was something similar to a fragrance.
