# Chapter 45
Can a dead person come back to life?
After becoming an adult, Jaei tried to find the answer to this question by visiting all existing religious facilities regardless of sect, ideology, orthodox or cult.
At twenty, he climbed mountains at early dawn to ring temple bells and learned about reincarnation while having tea ceremonies with a high monk. After gaining great enlightenment and returning home, he performed 108 bows toward the room of baby bodhisattva Doha, who had failed to reach nirvana and had become a child again.
On Christmas at twenty-three, he attended the birthday party of the monotheistic God and was deeply impressed by His resurrection story. Wearing a cross purchased from the gift shop, he returned home with an exhilarated heart and embraced Doha. He kissed the sleeping Doha’s forehead, caressed his cheek with his fingertips, whispered “my baby Jesus…” and shed hot tears.
At a polytheistic religious facility he visited last year, a cleric in a black vestment answered Jaei’s question with a very confident voice.
“Of course. My spouse has also briefly stopped breathing before.”
“Really? Is that possible?”
Jaei, his face hidden behind sunglasses and a mask, asked with a voice full of expectation while clasping his hands together. The cleric looked down at Jaei and continued:
“Is there someone you wish would come back to life? Shall we pray to the deity? However, the deity only handles the unjust deaths of truly good people. You must prove the deceased’s character through documentation, and the screening is extremely strict. Even deities don’t easily go against fate unless absolutely necessary. Unless they were unjustly murdered, humans need to humbly accept death.”
“It’s a child who died too pitifully and emptily at a young age. I can prove their character with a rolling paper from an elementary school class journal. But I keep thinking that child has already come back to life.”
“I see. If it were me, I could recognize my loved one even if they returned as a stone. Congratulations. Enjoy.”
He gave a calm round of applause in congratulation. That applause helped manage Jaei’s mental state for about half a day.
When there were no more religious facilities to visit, he finally sought out a female shaman. Jaei disclosed Doha’s personal information without his consent. After analyzing Doha’s four pillars of destiny and shaking her crystal ball, she channeled Doha’s spirit. Soon completing the possession, she shouted, “Jaei-ya, I’m almost there…! About 95%!” Jaei was startled and covered his mouth with his hand.
Before leaving, he left his signature on the autograph paper she offered, adding a postscript: [Shaman-nim, your expressiveness and vocalization are good!]
He spent lonely days occasionally relying on faith like this. But now Jaei could hear the past story directly from Doha’s lips. Doha caressed Jaei’s smooth, glossy cheeks and told him in detail about what had happened to him.
“I was deceived. They promised that if I accumulated an additional 20 points in the store, they would let me return to the moment I wanted. I really struggled to raise my score. But it was only me going back to that time. From your perspective, nothing has changed. The hurtful words I said to you on the playground still exist for you.”
Doha spoke with an aggrieved voice. What Doha had wanted was to return with Jaei to the moment of their first meeting at eight years old and start everything over from the beginning. But of course, it was impossible. Jaei stroked the head of the poor Doha who had been defrauded through ambiguous and equivocal sentences, and said:
“You’re right from your perspective. If we consider from the basis of your life, Doha.”
In social life, such fraudulent contracts frequently occur. CEO Lee Jaei, who employed Doha, promised never to commit fraud as an employer. Then he embraced Doha’s neck tightly with both arms as if locking him up. With complex emotions in his large eyes, he asked:
“You won’t distance yourself for the same reason as before, right? If you have any such thoughts, tell me in advance. I’ll retire right away. You can earn the money from now on.”
Doha carefully removed a long eyelash that had fallen on Jaei’s cheek and gave a clear and simple answer:
“Isn’t dying once an overflowing gift? I never intended to die either.”
“Right, it was excessive. What madman would be happy to receive such a birthday present?”
Jaei’s complex inner feelings were instantly resolved, and he smiled sweetly, crinkling his eyes. Doha continued:
“Besides, Lee Jaei is already the man of Cannes. My return doesn’t take that away from you.”
“You can take it all. I’d rather be Ryu Doha’s man than Cannes’.”
Doha now thought there was absolutely no need to leave Jaei’s side for the same reason as before. Jaei had experienced the death of a lover and became an actor who performed while holding those emotions. He had already debuted long ago and achieved his dream, and Doha had watched as a brother as Jaei achieved his dream. That was enough. Now he thought it was time for love.
Most importantly, Jaei was no longer in a position where his future aspirations could be threatened by having his casting canceled due to directors’ subjective judgments. Back then, Hong Duyoung’s existence was absolute to fourteen-year-old boys dreaming of becoming actors. Not anymore.
It took about a month for Doha to come to his senses away from Jaei. All day long, he held onto the diary and correctly arranged in order the large memories of 14 years that flooded into his mind.
During that time, Jaei’s parents didn’t ask Doha anything. Not why he suddenly collapsed and asked for help, not why he wanted to leave Korea, not why he asked to receive psychiatric treatment, not why he would suddenly wake up screaming and crying while sleeping. They asked nothing.
However, they didn’t make their “not being curious and not asking” feel like neglect or indifference. Every morning and evening, they embraced the already large Doha in their arms and told him they loved him. Doha would stay in their embrace, keeping his mouth shut tight, and cry a lot.
The reason he didn’t honestly reveal his identity was simple. Doha had set priorities. The first was to stand upright with a sound mind. The second was to restore his relationship with Jaei. Revealing his identity to his birth parents and Jaei’s parents was an issue for later. After all, making adults believe in reincarnation is never an easy task.
The reason he didn’t contact Jaei even after his condition improved was that he felt he would want to go see him immediately the moment he heard the voice of his beloved Jaei. If he went to meet Jaei with his memories restored, he wasn’t confident he could control his own actions in front of him. So he deliberately endured for another month. During that month, Doha again tore off the Korean calendar one page at a time. It was the longest and most tedious time in Ryu Doha’s second life.
Even without memories, the love remained the same. But the anger he had left behind in his previous life returned along with his memories. When Hong Duyoung appeared in his mind as memories flooded back, he felt absurd and empty. He also cursed his own imagination for misunderstanding that man as Jaei’s lover.
During the past two months, what tormented Doha the most was the memory from just before his breath stopped. As what happened that day became increasingly clear, he had countless nightmares. But love took precedence over anger. It was more urgent to love Jaei than to bring out hatred from deep in his heart. At least for tonight, that’s how it had to be.
While thoroughly examining Jaei’s face, he placed his fingers wherever his gaze went. Jaei quietly offered his beautiful face, which looked as if crafted with care by an artist, to Doha’s hands. Doha handled it very preciously, carefully.
When he stroked the bridge of Jaei’s nose with his fingertip, Jaei’s entire body trembled. He moved his finger to his smooth cheek, then to his lips. As he traced the outline of his lips with his finger, he slightly pressed the lower lip with his thumb, making eye contact and asking for permission.
“Jaei-ya.”
Even though he only called his name, Jaei anticipated what Doha wanted. But unable to hide his complex feelings, he hesitated for a moment and then, without answering, gripped his phone.
Jaei played music that would make this sacred moment—the first kiss with his first love who had returned against death—even more magnificent. After confirming that a quiet, gentle instrumental piece was playing, Doha placed his lips against Jaei’s lower lip. Just as he was about to slightly open his mouth to take in a part of his beloved, an unfamiliar male voice and the sound of a wooden fish came over the music.
“Music meditation for separating desire and greed from myself— tok tok tok tok”
Jaei, a law-abiding citizen with a strong sense of civic duty, indirectly expressed his refusal to kiss through music. And with his eyes gently closed, he had the face of a Buddha who had reached nirvana. Doha, removing his lips, turned off the meditation music flowing from Jaei’s phone and firmly said:
“Lee Jaei, open your eyes.”
Shaking his head, Jaei honestly revealed his dirty inner thoughts:
“When I look at your face, it creates worldly troubles. It’s a really bad feeling. So I’ll keep my eyes closed. Please understand my situation too.”
“Quickly. Why do you think I returned to Korea yesterday?”
As soon as Jaei opened his eyes, Doha thrust the phone screen displaying today’s date in front of his nose. In that moment, a soul returned to Jaei’s empty eyes. January 1st.
“Twenty years old? Our baby has finally turned twenty?”
Jaei shouted with sparkling eyes, clasping his hands together. Being busy attending the awards ceremony, he hadn’t realized that Doha had returned in a 100% loaded state.
Tilting his head slightly at the word “baby,” Doha then searched for the Juvenile Protection Act and thrust the screen in front of Jaei’s eyes. After confirming that he was a law-abiding citizen, he tilted his head to the side and said with an infinitely pure and lovely face:
“Hyung, you don’t need to protect me at home anymore.”
At Doha’s provocation, Jaei felt around the table with his slender fingers and grabbed a handful of chocolates. He desperately needed to replenish his depleted energy. Storing several chocolates in his cheeks like a hamster, he disappeared into the bathroom.
After sending Jaei off, Doha, who remained alone in the living room, stared blankly at the floor, then slowly stood up. He stood in front of the bathroom and knocked on the door. The sound of water stopped. With a thick, low voice, he asked Jaei through the door:
“Can I come in? Jaei-ya.”
