“You’re finally hugging me.”
Ray Jun laughed carelessly and pulled Kang Siwon tightly into his arms. Why did he look so pure—Kang Siwon was dumbfounded by the impression that unconsciously came to mind. Like he’d become a large teddy bear, Kang Siwon silently gave up his body and let out a long sigh.
Actually, if he was determined, he could have pushed him away. Of course, Ray Jun could also suppress him with force, but at the very least, an attempt to shake him off was sufficiently possible. Yet he didn’t feel like resisting, so perhaps he himself was a bigger problem than Ray Jun.
“…I can’t understand.”
Ray Jun wasn’t his ideal type. Kang Siwon had dreamed of a lover who would make him feel comfortable when they were together. A stable relationship where he didn’t have to doubt or be wary of their inner thoughts. However, Ray Jun was far from this. Needless to say he was male, and his personality was the complete opposite of his ideal type too.
“What can’t you understand?”
“You. I can’t understand you.”
Actually, what Kang Siwon understood least was himself. Ray Jun manipulated others as he pleased and had many enemies around him. Shouldn’t he just think he got entangled with such a bastard by mistake, fulfill the promised period, and then leave?
He had to do that anyway given his circumstances, yet every time he thought that way, his insides felt prickly. It was hard to stay peacefully by Ray Jun’s side, and leaving him was even harder.
“That’s too much. What’s wrong with me?”
He bit Kang Siwon’s earlobe lightly as if protesting. While his hand blatantly stroked down his waist, he sure could talk.
How nice it would have been if this guy was just a little more stable. Even if he didn’t hope to become lovers, if only he was someone he could like without worry.
To Kang Siwon, Ray Jun was like a joker in poker. A card that pops out at unexpected moments and shakes up the game. Powerful and attractive, but equally uncertain. Rather than holding a card like this, perhaps a weaker but more stable hand would be better…
“…Ray Jun, wait a moment.”
“You should call me Ray. It’s not like you don’t know my name now.”
Ray Jun said while firmly gripping Kang Siwon’s buttocks. He was doing whatever he pleased since Kang Siwon left him alone. Kang Siwon finally grabbed his wrist to stop him.
“What’s so important about a name everyone else calls you. Ray Jun, Ray, what’s the difference.”
“Then do you want to call me ‘darling’?”
“No.”
“How about ‘jagiya’?”
Korean suddenly popped out, making him get goosebumps for a moment. Ray Jun didn’t miss that opportunity and pulled down Kang Siwon’s pants. If he’d known this would happen, he should have worn outdoor clothes instead of easy-to-remove loungewear. Well, whatever he wore, Ray Jun probably would have stripped him anyway.
“Y-you, where did you learn words like that?”
“I searched for them. Even if you don’t teach me, I can self-study as much as I want. In a world like these days, is learning a foreign language such a big deal?”
“Don’t learn things like that!”
“Why? Isn’t seeing a lover earnestly speaking in clumsy foreign language the charm of international dating? Once you get used to it later, you won’t even get to see such cute moments. You really want me not to?”
“What’s cute about that…”
A thought suddenly flashed through his mind. Though thinking ‘no way,’ he couldn’t help but ask.
“Hey… Don’t tell me, every time you taught me Cantonese, you were thinking like that?”
“Hm? Yeah.”
“……”
The gratitude toward Ray Jun who had helped with Cantonese conversation practice all this time was completely washed away. As expected, he should get rid of such a black-hearted bastard. Even as he thought that, his touch pushing Ray Jun away was only feeble. Ray Jun instead firmly grabbed such Kang Siwon’s wrist and whispered.
“Siwon, you push me away like this and sometimes you lie too.”
“……”
“But I need you. And you need me too.”
The deeply sunken voice seeped deep into his ears. Though it looked sweet as if coated with honey but was actually poison, Kang Siwon couldn’t stop the trembling spreading through his entire body.
“I’m the only one who likes a liar like you.”
“Hey…”
“Does it sound too harsh? But what can I do when that’s the truth.”
At the words Ray Jun spoke while giggling, all the strength drained from his body. But the reason he stopped resisting wasn’t only because of those words that he didn’t know were a confession or a threat.
He knew that having sex periodically when they weren’t even dating would only complicate their relationship more. Warning lights had already gone off several times, so if they went further from here, it might truly become irreversible. And yet…
“……”
While he was conflicted, Ray Jun grabbed Kang Siwon’s neck and overlapped their lips. Kang Siwon accepted that kiss without pushing it away. The intuition ‘I’m fucked’ dug deep into his bones, but that sensation made his heart burn even hotter.
* * *
In the end, he’d done it again.
Kang Siwon lay on the sofa and stared blankly up at the ceiling. It was unbelievable that they’d tangled together in an office, as if they were beasts without any sense of place. It wasn’t as if there were no beds in this penthouse.
Self-loathing crept up slowly. But perhaps because he’d repeated this several times now, it wasn’t that shocking anymore. That fact was even more shocking.
“Siwon, doing it after a while makes it even better. Right?”
Ray Jun mumbled while pressing his body close without any gaps. Unlike Kang Siwon, his voice was tinged only with pure satisfaction. He didn’t know whether the fact that at least one of the two was happy was fortunate or unfortunate.
“…It hasn’t been that long though.”
“But you didn’t even let me hold your hand carelessly in the meantime.”
“You’re not supposed to hold hands carelessly in the first place. And it’s not like you didn’t hold them just because I said not to, right? Even right now… Get away from me.”
“How am I supposed to get away on this narrow sofa? You’re not telling me to fall to the floor, are you?”
Ray Jun hugged Kang Siwon tightly as if binding him with both arms. As he said, the sofa was too narrow for two adult men to lie down, so couldn’t they just go somewhere else?
If he wouldn’t move, he could just leave himself. Kang Siwon tried to get up, but Ray Jun held on so persistently and wouldn’t let go that he failed.
“Let go!”
“No. Then you’ll go somewhere else, won’t you?”
“Of course!”
“I knew it. I’m absolutely not letting go.”
“As expected, I shouldn’t have slept with you. I must be crazy…”
When he belatedly muttered with regret, Ray Jun freshly retorted.
“Why are you crazy? Are you crazy about me by any chance?”
“…Maybe.”
“What. How come you’re saying such honest things.”
Kang Siwon looked up at the ceiling again. Though it was the middle of the night, the room was only bright because they hadn’t turned off the lights. That light was so bright it seemed like tears would come out.
“…You know. That I try not to touch alcohol, cigarettes, or gambling.”
“Yeah, I know well.”
Of course there were times when circumstances weren’t favorable, and there were times he made mistakes when his heart weakened. Still, Kang Siwon was confident his self-control was strong.
The reason he built up such self-control was purely because of, or thanks to, his father. Having seen more clearly than anyone what the end of an addict was like, he absolutely didn’t want to resemble that ugly state.
“…But I guess I’m still a person vulnerable to addiction after all.”
“What are you suddenly talking about?”
“I’m addicted to a toxic substance called you but I can’t quit.”
He’d considered people who fell into addiction even knowing they would become addicted as foolish. But now he was exactly in that state. What was even more terrible was the fact that even recognizing that strong addictiveness, he couldn’t quit Ray Jun. If this wasn’t crazy behavior, then what the hell was crazy behavior?
“What did you just say, Siwon?”
Ray Jun suddenly thrust his face close. A loose smile was spreading at the corners of his mouth. He looked surprised and at the same time so happy he didn’t know what to do.
He looked intently into Kang Siwon’s face and asked mischievously.
“That just now, that was a confession, right?”
“…No.”
“Like hell. You just said you can’t do without me. Wow… I didn’t know such romantic words would come out of your mouth.”
As if he’d received a precious gift, Ray Jun’s eyes curved prettily. Kang Siwon had his gaze completely stolen by the hazelnut-colored eyes sparkling between those dense eyelashes. The thought unconsciously crossed his mind—if he was that pretty, wouldn’t anyone fall for him regardless of ideal types. Just as he was meeting his eyes without even noticing the satisfied look spreading across Ray Jun’s face—
Vrrr—
His mind snapped awake at the suddenly ringing vibration sound. When Kang Siwon hurriedly turned his head, Ray Jun clicked his tongue. Even during this, the vibration continued ringing.
“What’s that sound?”
“The sound of some tactless idiot calling.”
“Anyway, if it’s a call coming in, shouldn’t you answer it?”
“Forget it. It’ll hang up like that. They’ll leave an email or message.”
Ray Jun said indifferently. However, contrary to his assertion, the vibration rang endlessly. Since he was already regretting getting too emotionally carried away anyway, it was a good excuse to divert his attention.
“Just answer it. It seems like an important call.”
“Ha…”
Ray Jun reached out his arm as if he really didn’t want to but had no choice. He rummaged through the clothes carelessly thrown off under the sofa and found his phone.
