# Chapter 56
“Even though I know it’s inevitable when I’ve chosen a profession that’s constantly evaluated, I still worry—what if no one reads what I’ve worked so hard to write? What if there’s no response? These thoughts keep me awake for a long time after I lie down at night.”
“…”
“I’m not afraid of people who criticize or insult my writing, but indifference terrifies me. I can’t overcome this, so I haven’t been able to write a single word for months. I really don’t know how to get past this, Teacher.”
This was why only the mouse cursor had blinked on the blank Hangul document despite sitting in front of his laptop until dawn. At first, he dismissed it as the pain of an author lost in the universe of a blank page—something everyone who writes experiences at least once. He had even thought boldly that he would gladly embrace the pain of creation.
But a week passed, then a month, two months, and six months, without writing a single word. Only then did he realize he was gripped by fear and consumed by anxiety. Once he realized it, he became even more unable to write a single word. The weight he had to bear was so overwhelmingly heavy that he felt like he was suffocating.
“Teacher, how did you overcome times like this?”
“I didn’t overcome it. Why struggle so hard to win?”
“…Pardon?”
“Eunje, sometimes it’s okay to lose. No one will say anything if you lose.”
“…”
He didn’t know it was okay to lose. He had thought he could only write again, move forward, develop, and grow if he won.
“You’re struggling and in pain because you keep trying to overcome it. How can a person win and succeed every time?”
“I thought I had to overcome it…”
“That’s not true. Eunje, you need to sometimes allow yourself to accept defeat and failure. Only then can you grow stronger, and in the process of growing, you can shine more brightly.”
“…Thank you for your advice, Teacher.”
“Don’t suffer alone with things like this. You can call me and talk about it anytime, Eunje. Even if I can’t solve it, I can listen. Sometimes just talking about it can bring some relief.”
From the moment he heard it was okay to lose, something hot seemed to rise from deep within him, and before he knew it, his vision blurred. Though he hadn’t shown it to anyone, he had been suffering terribly inside. Suddenly, tears fell heavily. From the moment he thought he couldn’t write, he truly couldn’t write a single word.
“I’m sorry. Ah, why am I suddenly like this…”
Writer Kwon Jiyeon looked at him with affectionate eyes and handed him a tissue.
“It’s okay. We all have days like this. If you want to cry, cry. Don’t try so hard to hold it back.”
Even if he tried, he couldn’t hold it back. While he was holding the tissue he’d been given without even thinking to wipe his flowing tears, Tae Igyeol reached out and held his hand under the table as if to comfort him. Though his body temperature was low and cool, strangely, Mo Eunje felt warmth from the hand that gripped his firmly.
“But Eunje, while it’s okay to cry, I need to scold you a bit. Why do you think no one will read what you’ve written? I’m here, and you have that dependable friend right next to you. You’ve already secured two readers.”
“…”
“Two might not seem like much, but you start with those two and grow to 20, then a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand, a million. You’ve had 500,000 copies printed, so you know this.”
Writer Kwon Jiyeon was right. He hadn’t printed 500,000 copies from the start. Counting just the people he knew, at first there were only 10 readers: his grandmother, parents, aunt, uncle, Tae Igyeol, Tae Iden, Ban Hajun, Gye Minho, and Writer Kwon Jiyeon. That grew to 20, then a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand, and finally 500,000.
Perhaps the burden of the new work was considerable because his previous work had done much better than expected. He was just beginning, yet he was excessively afraid that the peak of his career had already passed. That’s what terrified him so much.
“For this piece, just write whatever you want, thinking of it as your loss. Don’t think about anything else except the writing itself.”
“…”
“Eunje, think only of yourself. You can be more shameless.”
“…I will, Teacher. Thank you.”
Though he managed to smile and thank her with reddened eyes, once the tears had started, they showed no sign of stopping. Tae Igyeol and Writer Kwon Jiyeon silently kept him company as Mo Eunje cried for a long time.
In his lack of peace of mind, he had momentarily forgotten that there were people by his side who unconditionally supported him. He could understand why Tae Igyeol had kept silent about his unrequited love. It was probably because, like Mo Eunje, he didn’t want to cause worry. He didn’t want to spread his depressing pain and hardship.
Mo Eunje grasped the firm hand that was holding his under the table. He too gripped it strongly, as if unwilling to let go, conveying his support and comfort for Tae Igyeol’s unrequited love.
&
Although Writer Kwon Jiyeon’s next destination was in the opposite direction from Ritz Ville, thanks to Tae Igyeol’s consideration, they were able to safely drop her off. And once they were alone in the car, Mo Eunje strained his swollen, reddened eyes and glared at Tae Igyeol threateningly.
“What. Glaring at me with those baby carp eyes isn’t scary at all.”
“How could you hide the fact that you have someone you’re in unrequited love with so perfectly…”
“And how could you hide such a difficult worry so perfectly?”
They were both guilty of the same thing. They shared all kinds of trivial stories without reservation, yet when it came to the most important and difficult issues, they kept them tightly hidden, carrying the burden alone. All to avoid causing worry.
Perhaps their excessive consideration for each other had become poison.
“Well, it’s a major issue that affects my life, so it was hard to talk about easily. It’s not a problem that would be solved just by talking about it.”
“Same here. It was a matter of the survival of my life, so I couldn’t speak of it easily.”
“Why are you making unrequited love sound so grand, like it’s about the survival of your life? What do you lack? If it doesn’t work out, you just move on, why would you… Whoa!”
Suddenly the car came to an abrupt stop, and Tae Igyeol stretched out his arm to stop Mo Eunje from lurching forward. But he couldn’t stop the shock in Mo Eunje’s heart. Mo Eunje reflexively checked if there was a car behind them. Fortunately, they were in the alley after dropping off Writer Kwon Jiyeon.
“Are you crazy? How could you slam on the brakes so suddenly! We were lucky there wasn’t a car behind us, or we could have had an accident.”
“…Eunje. There’s no reason for you to belittle and trivialize my unrequited love like that. It might be laughable to you, but it really is a matter of life or death for me.”
Tae Igyeol looked straight at him and conveyed his feelings with a very serious tone. Mo Eunje had the illusion that his deep gray eyes were rippling with hurt. It seemed the message had been conveyed incorrectly because he had been speaking thoughtlessly, following the flow of his consciousness.
“Sorry. I misspoke. You’re precious to me, and when you talk about the survival of your life, I meant that even if you’re in unrequited love, don’t abandon me.”
“Sigh… Let’s talk when we get home. If we talk more now, I might really cause an accident.”
“Okay. But I really don’t belittle or trivialize your unrequited love. If it sounded that way, I’m truly sorry. Don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”
“…I’m not angry.”
“I’ll shut up now. Let’s focus on driving…”
The car moved slowly and began to advance smoothly. Mo Eunje didn’t say a word until they reached the Ritz Ville parking lot, being careful even with his breathing. His left hand was tightly gripping the safety belt in front of his chest, and his right hand was holding the handle above his head, but there were no more sudden stops or starts.
When they arrived home, they found Ban Hajun crouched pitifully in front of Tae Igyeol’s fifth-floor apartment with eyes just as swollen and red as Mo Eunje’s. At least Mo Eunje’s pupils were still visible, but despite having fairly large eyes, Ban Hajun’s pupils couldn’t even be seen.
“Mo Eunje, why are your eyes like that? Did you cry too?”
Ban Hajun’s voice was completely hoarse from how much he had cried. It was strange to see a guy with a tall height of 187cm curled up and looking up with a nasally voice.
“Open your eyes when you talk. Why would I cry? They’re just swollen because I kept rubbing them when they were dry.”
“You’re lying. Even a passing cat could tell you’ve obviously been crying.”
“…”
Mo Eunje didn’t respond and entered the passcode to open the door. Ban Hajun shouldn’t be coming now—they needed to continue the atmosphere and finish the conversation they were having in the car with Tae Igyeol—but seeing his face in such a mess from crying, Mo Eunje couldn’t tell him to leave. Since Ban Hajun rarely cried, Mo Eunje was also worried about what had happened.
They sprayed each other with disinfectant spray at the entrance before going in. Even if they had been crying, or even if they were still crying, this was a procedure they had to go through to enter this house.
Tae Igyeol, despite being the homeowner, skipped even asking why Ban Hajun had come and just gave him a perfunctory glance before heading straight to the bathroom attached to his bedroom, true to his neat-freak nature. Ban Hajun went to the bathroom in the living room to wash his face, and Mo Eunje just washed his hands in the kitchen before grabbing two ice eye masks from the freezer and lying down on the sofa. He placed one on the living room table for Ban Hajun and put the other over his eyes. The burning sensation around his eyes seemed to calm down a little.
