# Chapter 126
“Ask me for something doable. Getting a winning lottery ticket would be easier than coming up with a name that meets those requirements. Just go with ‘Cooking With Ban Hajun.'”
“Don’t rush into a decision. Let me think about it. Hmm…”
Mo Eunje tried to rack his brain for ideas, pulling together whatever he could think of. If only there was a single word that could express cooking besides ‘cooking,’ this would be easier to solve, but nothing came to mind easily. So he tried using the method he’d often used with Tae Igyeol when coming up with titles for his novels—throwing out random words and making associations.
Cooking, food, menu, home cooking, homemade meals, delicious, taste, taste… Taste…?
“The Taste of Falling for Ban Hajun?”
Perhaps because he’d only been giving critical feedback until now and this was his first actual idea, Mo Eunje felt somewhat nervous. But Ban Hajun’s nodding response wasn’t bad.
“Oh. That’s pretty good. Shall we decide now?”
The final candidates were set:
Cooking With Ban Hajun
vs
The Taste of Falling for Ban Hajun
The names were about the same quality, but Ban Hajun began sending messages to group chats with his friends explaining the channel’s concept and started collecting votes. Mo Eunje checked his phone, but the group chat with Tae Igyeol and Gye Minho was quiet.
“Honestly, ‘The Taste of Falling’ is better than ‘Cooking With,’ isn’t it?”
Mo Eunje snickered proudly, feeling pretty confident about his contribution.
“What’s wrong with ‘Cooking With’?”
“No matter how you look at it, ‘The Taste of Falling’ will win by a landslide.”
“Look at that confidence. You don’t know until you measure.”
“That only applies when the levels are similar.”
“We’ll see. It’ll be decided soon enough.”
Mo Eunje and Ban Hajun had somehow staked their pride on this meaningless competition. Even though it didn’t really matter, Mo Eunje couldn’t stop talking.
“Even the abbreviations make it obvious.”
“Abbreviations?”
“‘Cooking With Ban Hajun’ becomes ‘Ban-cooking,’ while ‘The Taste of Falling for Ban Hajun’ becomes ‘Ban-ban-taste.'”
“So what?”
“‘Ban-cooking’ sounds like you only did half the cooking, but ‘Ban-ban-taste’ makes it seem like one dish gives you two flavors, like half original and half seasoned chicken.”
Mo Eunje never expected he’d be using the sophistry he learned from Tae Igyeol in this situation. Sometimes sophistry could sound logical depending on how you heard it. Miracle logic was still logic, after all. Surprisingly, this seemed to work as Ban Hajun suddenly changed his position.
“You’re right. ‘The Taste of Falling for Ban Hajun’ does sound more substantial. ‘Cooking With’ is cute but it seems a bit too playful, which doesn’t really balance with my devastatingly handsome face.”
“…Sure. At least you’re smiling now.”
Mo Eunje gave Ban Hajun, who was cackling, a look of disdain. Come to think of it, this was also the kind of look Tae Igyeol often gave him. When he realized that even that was based on affection, it was disconcerting, but Mo Eunje was gradually stabilizing by focusing on these simple activities.
“But hey, is it okay for you to be doing this with me?”
Until Ban Hajun unnecessarily brought him back to reality, Mo Eunje had thought his emotions were somewhat stabilized. But perhaps it was just escapism or self-hypnosis.
“…I need to do this to hold myself together.”
Mo Eunje figured that if he fixated solely on a problem without an answer, his perspective would narrow, making rational judgment impossible. He’d become increasingly emotional and might end up making decisions he’d regret. So he needed to focus on distractions like this to regain his composure. He thought it was working well until Ban Hajun brought it up.
“Mo Eunje.”
“Yeah?”
“I know you’re the type who likes to think things through alone, and I didn’t think I should interfere, so I was planning to pretend not to notice until the end, but…”
“Then keep pretending until the end. My head feels like it’s going to explode from how complicated everything is.”
The fact that Ban Hajun hadn’t asked anything for almost ten days despite giving up his living space was as good as showing his consideration. Thanks to that, Mo Eunje had been able to focus entirely on Tae Igyeol, reflecting on their memories and quietly organizing his thoughts and feelings by himself. His mind was still complicated without any answers, though.
But ten days might have been as long as Ban Hajun could keep his mouth shut.
“You might be feeling complicated now, but it seems like he’s been feeling complicated for over ten years. Just so you know.”
“…Do you think I don’t know that? Sigh…”
“Don’t feel bad about me saying this. You have many friends, but he only has me as a friend.”
“And now I’m taking up that friend too.”
“I’m his friend, but I’m your friend too. …Ow, my finger.”
Ban Hajun, who had voluntarily spoken up without being asked, twisted his body and curled his fingers. In reality, Mo Eunje thought that perhaps he’d been able to endure because Ban Hajun was by his side. If he’d been alone, he might not have even remembered to eat and would have been consumed by thoughts of Tae Igyeol all day, over-interpreting beyond objective facts until the boundary between reality and his own thoughts became unclear. He’d experienced something similar when writing his first full-length novel, becoming so immersed in the writing that he occasionally confused reality and fantasy, even though he knew the boundary clearly in his head.
“You said you watched all of my mom’s dramas, right?”
“Yeah. I’ve even watched some of them multiple times.”
“Do you know that line? Growing old isn’t just about adding numbers, it’s about accumulating experiences.”
It was a line he knew. It was from a drama by writer Kim Heera that aired last year, a work that had been a hot topic throughout autumn, which Mo Eunje had watched three times. But it was difficult to figure out what Ban Hajun intended by mentioning that line.
“What grand speech are you trying to make that you’re quoting your mom’s drama?”
“At twenty-six, you may not have enough experience to be seasoned, but you have some experience, however awkward. Don’t hurt each other too much.”
Mo Eunje wanted to navigate this problem gracefully without hurting Tae Igyeol, but he couldn’t find a way to avoid hurting him since he couldn’t accept his feelings. Although he’d rejected him by saying he needed time to sort out his feelings, if this situation continued, there was no way Tae Igyeol wouldn’t get hurt.
“But Hajun…”
I’ve already been hurt since the moment Tae Igyeol confessed without holding back. How could he do that to me?
“Why do you call me and then stop talking?”
“Go see Igyeol tomorrow. You’ve been with me all week.”
“Excuse me?”
“You said he only has you as a friend now. It should be time to remove his cast, and it would be good if you could drive him to the hospital.”
This had been the most concerning part for the past few days. He vaguely remembered hearing that the cast would be removed in about ten days when Tae Igyeol was discharged, and today was the tenth day, but since it was Sunday, he would probably go to the hospital tomorrow.
“Haah… This is really driving me insane. What the hell did I do in my past life to get stuck between you two?”
“Minho has always been awkward and uncomfortable being alone with Igyeol, so it’s hard to ask him. Plus, he just got his license recently, so I’d be worried about letting him drive.”
“So what, are you his mother? If he needs help, he’ll ask his own mother.”
“Is that his personality? He’s the type who would call 119 himself even if he were dying alone.”
“Then he’ll call 119. Why should I care whether he gets his cast removed or not? I don’t know. I’m not going. If you’re so worried, go yourself.”
It’s not like Mo Eunje hadn’t thought about it. He’d mentally simulated going to help with the cast removal as an excuse, and acting naturally as if nothing had happened. But he realized that would be unilaterally ignoring and trampling on Tae Igyeol’s feelings, which he couldn’t bring himself to do. Just because he couldn’t accept his feelings didn’t mean he shouldn’t respect them.
“Mo Eunje, I really wish you would look into your heart and see why you’re so obsessively worried about that guy. Wow, I really want to scream right now.”
“…It’s just because he’s injured.”
“Injured…? Fuck, that’s an impressive level of bullshit. You know that?”
“We’ve been together for how many years? How could I just ignore someone who’s injured?”
Hearing Mo Eunje’s answer, Ban Hajun opened his mouth wide in a silent scream. He put all his strength into his face and body, screaming inaudibly several times.
Mo Eunje also wanted to scream. Having received a confession at the exact time that guy got injured, he was filled with worry and concern, but felt frustratingly helpless, like someone with their hands and feet tied. He feared that even the smallest kindness or consideration might give false hope.
Honestly, if it weren’t for their parents, he would have confessed to Tae Igyeol first, but that was a pointless assumption. In reality, their parents’ relationship existed, and he couldn’t ignore that. No matter how much he was dying to be with Tae Igyeol, he had to suppress his feelings. And for a peaceful and safe relationship, making Tae Igyeol give up was the wise thing to do.
No. He needed to stop thinking. Sometimes thinking too much can send your thoughts in wild directions. Just as the initial, simple thought is often closer to your true feelings, the longer you drag things out, the more unnecessary thoughts accumulate, clouding your judgment and taking you further from your true feelings.
But even knowing this, Mo Eunje couldn’t act rashly. It was dangerous to be alone with his thoughts at times like this, which made him worry about Tae Igyeol even more.
