15.
Other people take medication to prevent the worst-case scenario, but I have to take medication because the worst-case scenario comes to mind. The relief that those white pills gave me was as towering as a mountain. But when Cheon Jaerim took them all away, I rapidly began to fall into despair. A succession of all kinds of misfortunes came to mind, past scenes resurfaced in my memory, and my chest felt stuffy as if I were trapped in a collapsed tunnel.
Staring at the medicine packet lying forlornly on the bed, I crawled on the floor to find even a single remaining pill. But they were nowhere to be seen—perhaps he’d already cleaned them all up. I could only escape from the chaos by taking medication. I crumpled the one remaining medicine packet until it was wrinkled, then grabbed it by the corner. But when I recalled that this was the exact amount allowed only once, I couldn’t easily tear it open. I had to hold off until I could save it as much as possible.
I searched for another solution. The thought occurred to me—couldn’t I contact someone who could give me medication? I immediately opened the closet door and looked for the black bag I’d brought from the hospital. The bag, still containing everything inside, was shoved deep in the back. I pulled the bag down and opened the zipper. At the bottom supporting the base, I felt a hard diary. It was a notebook distributed by the hospital.
When I opened the pages, I saw irregularly torn paper created by my own irregular tearing, and small doodles. I flipped through them as if ripping them apart. I vaguely remembered that contact phone numbers were written on the back page endpaper. When I opened the last page, just as expected, the hospital’s phone number and address were written very small.
I took the cordless phone in my room and headed to the attic. If I made the call in the living room, the housekeeper could hear. I had to prevent any loose ends in advance. I pressed the round buttons with force. Sitting up on the window frame, I waited for the ringtone to end. But the phone kept going to voicemail, and just when my patience was scraping the bottom, I finally got through.
“Yes, go ahead.”
“This is Kim Sunjo, I was hospitalized until recently.”
“Who did you say? Could you speak slowly please?”
The words burst out quickly because I wanted to get to the point first.
“Patient Kim Sunjo. I was hospitalized until recently, and I called because I have something to ask my attending physician.”
“Are you saying you want to contact your attending physician personally?”
“Yes. Something urgent came up that I need to ask about.”
“One moment.”
I heard a tok sound of the phone being set down, then the sound of typing on a keyboard. There was hope. The nurse would contact my attending physician and connect me with them. I was anxiously waiting for the receiver to be picked up when I heard unexpected words.
“We don’t have any hospitalization records for a patient named Kim Sunjo at our hospital?”
“What? What do you mean…?”
“It seems you’ve mistaken the hospital.”
“Excuse me, then how would I know this number to call? The hospital distributed…!”
“You mean the black hardcover notebook, right? That’s a notebook we also distribute externally…”
“Please check one more time!”
“I want to help you, but we have absolutely no hospitalization records for Kim Sunjo at our hospital. I’m sorry. Shall I give you contact information for other hospitals nearby?”
I didn’t want to hear any more. It felt like shouting at a wall. When I hung up, the mechanical voice that had been ringing in my ears disappeared. The crumpled medicine packet was still on my palm. I truly only have one time left. I can’t seek advice from the doctor who treated me, and the hospital where I stayed has been obliterated to the point where not even the letter ‘r’ in ‘records’ can be seen. Since I can’t take medication, I have to keep my body busy. I hid myself inconspicuously in the attic and waited for the time when the housekeeper would leave work.
2 PM.
I came down from the window frame. I’d been sitting crouched in the attic for almost three hours. I pressed the intercom screen, watched the housekeeper open the main gate and disappear, then headed to the terrace. I moved all the large planters on the terrace outside at once. I unwound the coiled hose and turned on the water. Weeds were trampled under my bare feet. I cleaned the planter bodies thoroughly and filled the watering can with water, drenching everything from leaves to stems to roots. For photosynthesis, I placed the planters in a corner where the sun shone well.
When all this work was done, 30 minutes had passed. 2:30 PM. The day ending was still far away. I gathered all the side dishes the housekeeper had newly prepared. I put them all in a white ceramic bowl and mixed everything together. I scooped out half the rice filling the rice cooker. By eye, it seemed like enough for four servings. If I skip meals, I’m the one who loses out. Thinking that way, with the mindset of eating even the meals I’d skipped, I ate all of the large bibimbap that was easily four servings. After drinking water too, it felt like the rice grains I’d just eaten would burst out through my throat. Moving was difficult, so I sat on the sofa dragging my full stomach. I’d rest a little, then bring those planters back to the terrace. I decided to sit for just a bit until I could bend my waist.
With a pop sound, I opened my eyes and returned to the bright blue afternoon again. I was breathing roughly like someone who’d been running. Feeling uncomfortable, I groped between my legs and found it damp. The hand that touched my waistband smelled fishy. It was as if the me from the dream had moved straight into reality. This is a dream, a dream.
But I couldn’t stop the feeling that the place that had received my cock seemed to be making minute opening and closing movements. When the egg ghost appeared in my dream, I’d simply thought it was the aftermath of being separated from Cheon Jaerim. I couldn’t endure the shame that burned as I felt pleasure through my back hole, and I didn’t want to accept the body ruined by Cheon Jaerim. But I was subtly aware. The fact that I actually wanted the acts in my dreams.
In the end, I tore open the medicine paper on the table and gulped it down in one go. I showered, still dragging my bloated body. After showering, it was 4:30. I dragged the planters back to the terrace again. It was a time just short of five o’clock. As time passed, my body gradually became languid. But the effect didn’t last long either. Compared to the arduous time, the medicine’s effect wore off quickly. The calm water began to create ripples as if struck by a skipping stone. If only I didn’t know that the medication was gone, I wouldn’t be struggling like this.
I remembered the liquor bottle I’d seen in passing in the kitchen cupboard. I knew it wasn’t good to do both at the same time, but it was the next best method. I opened the neck of the labeled liquor bottle. Seeing the old vintage written at the bottom of the bottle, it seemed expensive, but I’m not enough of a drinker to care about such things. Standing in the kitchen, I put it to my lips and gulped it down. Alcohol of tremendous proof went down my esophagus. It felt like stabbing my throat with a fire poker. After my throat moved up and down three times, my head spun. Staggering, I opened the freezer door and took out small cube cheese. Then I pulled out all the hidden snacks.
As I ate and drank alone forcibly, laughter came from the television I’d turned on. With half-closed eyes, I could see panelists laughing so hard the studio seemed to shake. A man who frequently appears on TV starts spouting off in a loud voice. Something like ‘Men start at thirty!’ Nonsense. In the first place, the sprout has to grow well for it to look good later too. That’s just mental victory. That man is someone who lost his fortune several times to gambling.
Still, I envied that he at least had the confidence to say such things. I felt wretchedly pathetic, sitting at home eating cheese and such.
I know my place best. I’m not even as good as Kim Cheomji’s rickshaw. Kim Cheomji pulled people around and got paid, and had family waiting even if they were cold corpses. Thinking that far, when I was pressing down the paper to see if there was any cheese left—
“Living it up, I see.”
Cheon Jaerim was looking at me. When did he arrive? I didn’t even hear a car in the yard? I checked the time—8:45. I’d been sipping liquor alone for over three hours. Only about 3 centimeters of the liquor remained, and the cube cheese was all gone.
Did Cheon Jaerim like cheese? Is that why he’s angry?
“Sorry. I ate all the cheeese…”
Cheon Jaerim, letting out a low sigh, picked up the medicine packet carelessly discarded on the floor and snatched the liquor bottle. Cheon Jaerim’s hand pressed my forehead and quickly fell away. Ah, contact after a while. My body shuddered. I shook my head vigorously.
“Remember the first time we had sex?”
“…”
“How I dealt with you when hyung wouldn’t listen then.”
“…”
As if I could forget. My wrists were tied and my cheek was slapped. How could I forget that sensation when my eardrum shook briefly? I raised my arm, limp with alcohol, and covered my cheek.
“I even bought what hyung likes, but if you’re like this, it pisses me off.”
“…”
In Cheon Jaerim’s hand dangled a bag from my favorite donut shop. Those donuts with red cursive script… there were two dozen. I crawled on all fours toward the donut bag Cheon Jaerim was holding.
“No wait. That’s for later…”
As I crawled with my knees raised, a black foot suddenly entered between my legs. The long, sleek foot dug between my crotch and rubbed what was between my legs as if grinding it. Ugh! I grabbed Cheon Jaerim’s ankle. Cheon Jaerim paid no mind and persistently raised his toes to touch my cock as if checking whether it was properly attached. ‘If you drink a lot, your sexual function declines. Aren’t you at a prime vigorous age?’ he tormented me with a displeased voice. The ankle without flesh wasn’t easy to pinch either.
Instead of the foot that started rubbing in circles, I planted my hands on the plush rug. The donut bag shimmered right in front of me. Cruel feelings welled up toward Cheon Jaerim, who was performing both carrot and stick—no, both at the same time.
“…Why, whyyy…”
As soon as the foot playing with my cock lifted, I bent my body so it couldn’t invade again. Drunk on alcohol, words wouldn’t come out properly. My tongue felt tightly bound by rope. Cheon Jaerim, standing still with his hands in his pockets, looked down at me with demon-like eyes. It was frightening. His pupils were chilling.
“Take your hands off.”
“Nooo, uhhh…”
“Let me see if it’s swollen.”
Cheon Jaerim grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently. A teasing tone. I quickly kicked Cheon Jaerim’s ankle with my foot and climbed up, pushing my hips upward. If we’re assigning blame, it’s Cheon Jaerim’s fault for leaving liquor lying around anywhere, and Cheon Jaerim’s fault for making me unbearable by holding the medication hostage. I had full rights to hit the shameless body of Cheon Jaerim. He was above and I was below. I kept pulling my body back continuously. Groping around, I felt a thin stand body. I grabbed the slender pole and swung it toward Cheon Jaerim.
“Why won’t you touuuch…! Whyyy!”
“Cute. Tongue-tied?”
The stand body, thinner than a pinky finger, dropped the large head attached above and swayed weakly like a reed. The pole I swung was caught by Cheon Jaerim in one go. Then he lightly tossed it behind him. Seeing my weapon fly far away, I felt like a warrior who had to fight a tiger barehanded in an Athenian battle arena. But I didn’t have a warrior’s courage. Instead, after drinking and developing a thick layer on my face, words I couldn’t say before began to burst out as if screaming.
“It’s, it’s all because of you! You made me, made me like thiiis! And now! And now… uhhh…”
But my words began to be buried again in my stiffly frozen tongue.
“What state is hyung in right now?”
“Be, because of youuu!”
But I couldn’t continue. I seemed drunk enough to distinguish between public and private matters. Thanks to you, I have wet dreams from a time I don’t even remember, I mix bodies with a man who looks just like you, and when I open my eyes, what I’ve spilled is scattered messily between my legs. How could I say such things? I couldn’t frankly confess that a harsh reality that won’t let me wake up even when I want to is waiting for me.
“What state is hyung in?”
Cheon Jaerim approaches me, drawing out his words. Worry grows at that attitude that seems to easily see through a person’s heart. Cheon Jaerim seemed to enjoy a few visible changes in me.
***
Habits ingrained in the body can never be ignored.
I can prove it with my current appearance, washing underwear in this dawn using the bathtub edge as a washboard.
‘Sorry about the teasing earlier.’
