13.
The white castle disappeared from sight. Then, as if waiting for that moment, a bright light entered from the far end in a long beam. The black car that flew in like a bat from the darkness caught my eye when it was parked next to an unusually spotless white wall.
The man at the wheel who’d finished parking lowered the mirror above his head. The smell of grass came in through the slightly open window. His tastes are consistent as ever. The man hummed lightly as he took something out of a shopping bag on the passenger seat. Glasses rolled out of a case that wasn’t properly closed. The man caught them quickly and lightly placed them on the bridge of his nose. He put on a white gown and stuck the name tag from his pocket into the small chest pocket. That spot was already occupied by various colored pens.
The man, who was a doctor, focused on his appearance. He neatly swept up his protruding hair and kept rubbing his face as if checking for anything on it, like a groom entering a wedding. Finally, the man took out a white medical mask and hooked it over his ears, humming continuously. The man, who pulled the mask up to just below his nose, got out of the car holding a medical chart. Under the man’s feet stepping on the dirt ground, the soil scattered finely with a crackling sound. The man naturally headed toward the ward. His moving feet showed no hesitation. The well-pressed black suit pants were neat without a single wrinkle, and the white shirt inside the gown stretched taut and relaxed with each movement.
“Who are you?”
A nurse with a warm face that seemed to bring peace of mind just by looking at her spotted the man. There’s even a joke that goes, “Anyone going out or coming in who doesn’t pass through the head nurse’s hands isn’t a person.” The man identified the nurse who had stopped him. As if she’d eaten a late dinner, the smell of side dishes vibrated around the desk. The man silently tapped the pocket where his name tag was stuck.
The head nurse looked closely at the name tag the man pointed to, then raised her voice like someone who’d remembered a forgotten fact.
“Ah! You’re the new doctor coming in, right?”
The man greeted her with a friendly smile, narrowing his eyes. He was the kind of person who gave off a verbose feeling just by standing, so when the man greeted her and raised his head, she fell into the illusion that a gentle breeze was blowing.
“You’re on night duty today, I see.”
“Yes. We take turns… But didn’t you say you were coming tomorrow?”
“I moved up my schedule. I decided to receive the handover early because of a seminar.”
“Then is there anything I can help with…?”
“No. I’ll just look around.”
“Would you like to? It’s only nine o’clock, but it’s such a quiet place.”
“The air is clean and nice too. Well then, keep up the good work.”
“……”
Is he different from the photo? The same? In the photo he looked a bit plain, but did he lose weight? The head nurse sat back down, admiring the retreating figure of the man striding away. My son needs to grow at least that tall…
The man walked quickly with his hands in his pockets. The transparent case containing sheets of medical charts was tucked under his arm. The man carefully examined the corridor as he climbed the stairs. When passing through the long hallway like a ghost, he looked at the nameplates stuck next to the hospital room doors as if viewing paintings in an art museum. The small rectangular name signs became more spaced apart as the floors got higher. 4 people, 2 people, 1 person.
The man stood in the dim corridor of the top floor.
He pulled open the door of the very last hospital room without hesitation.
***
“Starting today, I’ll be taking care of Kim Sunjo-ssi’s counseling together with the attending physician.”
Sometimes the doctor makes rounds through the ward like a patrol before midnight, and I thought this might be one of those times. When the doctor I was seeing for the first time entered the hospital room, the scent of perfume spread subtly. Every time he spoke, I could see the movement of his lips trapped inside the mask. It wasn’t clearly audible, like speaking into a thick rolled-up book.
“This is the time when people become most honest.”
“I wasn’t told that…”
Did the doctor figure out the identity of my dreams? It suddenly felt suspicious, as if he was forcing me to be honest out of nowhere.
“Sit still.”
When I tried to get up, the doctor stopped me and approached. Then he sat down in the chair, comfortably crossed his legs, and placed the medical chart on his knees. He flipped through the chart casually and indifferently pulled out one of the blue pens stuck in his chest. With a click, the blue ink tip was revealed.
“Since it’s the first time, I’ll just ask simple questions.”
“Yes.”
I felt offended by the sight of him hiding everything tightly without even lowering his mask, as if I were a contagious disease patient.
“I can’t hear you well.”
“I asked if you feel better when you take the medicine.”
“Um…”
I closed my eyes and thought. Certainly, when I take the medicine, it seems like the irregular ups and downs of my emotions stay on a normal track. The medicine had a silent power that made me forget before I could dig a tunnel and fall into it. However, it was a different story with the subject I wanted to avoid. Even when I was in a state of thoughtlessness, the shadow of the egg ghost would suddenly pop up, and whenever I saw myself unconsciously welcoming it even though I wanted to avoid it, I felt disgusted and collapsed…
In the end, I really don’t know if I’m getting better.
“Uh… I’m not sure.”
“Do your thoughts settle down calmly or do your worries get organized in an orderly manner?”
“That’s also not really…”
The more I answered the doctor’s questions, the more I realized there was absolutely no improvement in me.
“Then just give up.”
The doctor grabbed the edge of the mask with his index finger and pulled it down. The orange stand light was circling around the doctor and me like a planet. The doctor who revealed his face under the dingy, dark yellow lighting had a terrible face that would be drawn on my eyelids even if I closed my eyes.
“Giving up seems like it would be faster than being pickled in medicine.”
As time passes, the perfume smell becomes familiar. How could I forget that day? The handkerchief that was handed over.
That lingering scent that was faint yet piercing to the nose.
The time I encountered Cheon Jaerim was nine-thirty. Right now it’s six-thirty. For about nine hours, we spent the night and dawn with our eyes wide open. The scent that came from Cheon Jaerim vibrates as if it’s permeated my body. It was because of Cheon Jaerim clinging to me as if we were separated families reuniting for nine hours. Was it because the location of a hospital room was provided, or because he wanted to enjoy this long-awaited encounter at length? Cheon Jaerim, whom I met after about two months, didn’t rush at me when he saw me. If we were to face each other again, I thought he’d grab my hair as I turned and ran away again and do even worse things.
The bastard who threw off his cumbersome gown lowered the bed I was sitting on and slowly climbed up. The reason I couldn’t push him away might be because my heart had become calm in preparation for this situation, or because I felt a heavy stone sinking down below.
‘Don’t they feed you properly?’
Cheon Jaerim felt around my rib area, then looked at the monthly meal schedule stuck in the transparent holder.
‘There was a reason you got thin.’
‘……’
‘Will you follow me if I say I’ll give you candy?’
‘If I say no…’
‘I’m also willing to drag you gently.’
‘……’
‘I really held back for a long time. I’ve completely become an adult.’
Having finished speaking, Cheon Jaerim buried his face in my nape. Goosebumps rose. It had been truly a long time since I’d been in such close contact with another person, so I swallowed. Cheon Jaerim, who was holding me, turned his body as it was and lay down behind me. There was a person behind my back. Cheon Jaerim’s chest, which was hugging my shoulders, touched my back. I could hear the thump-thump of his heartbeat.
I wanted to shake him off, but the hand under my captured shoulder wouldn’t move easily. When I closed my eyes, the crazy acts I’d done in my dreams flickered. The firm lower abdomen that pressed down on me, went in and out below, came closer and moved away floated up whitely. I felt like I’d become a pervert. Especially with a person behind me. Moreover, the one who made me like this…
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Not here…
The body was honest. Arousal was possible just from imagination. When another person’s body heat touched me, when skin touched, and breath tickled my nape, the sexual intercourse from my dreams automatically came to mind, and my center hardened. If I just acted well, the bastard behind me wouldn’t notice. I slightly crossed my legs so it wouldn’t show through the thin fabric. However, just as I was about to overlap and layer them over the leg touching the bed, the waist of the loose hospital pants lifted, and a hand suddenly entered inside.
‘Ah…’
‘It seems like you weren’t recuperating here but getting developed.’
Cheon Jaerim’s hand gently stroked the swollen center like molding pottery. My mind returned once again to the dream I’d had more than ten hours ago. Ah, no. No. Haa, haa… The faster Cheon Jaerim’s hand movements became, the more the pants repeatedly swelled like a balloon and deflated. Ngh! At the same time as I ejaculated, I rubbed my legs together and even made them into a twist. His hand was caught between my thighs.
‘Does it just get hard when you see me?’
‘……’
‘I should make a donation to the hospital.’
It must be the bastards’ scheme. They definitely prescribed strange medicine. It’s not normal to have bizarre dreams, wake up covered in semen from the day I entered the hospital, and have lewd thoughts pop up as soon as I see Cheon Jaerim’s face. They turned me into an idiot! I have no one on my side. Even though she said she’d help! Even though she said she was sorry for what her son did!
Tears suddenly burst out. Having lived like a greenhouse flower in this pristine hospital, I’ve become endlessly weak even to such stimulation. Cheon Jaerim paid no attention to my sobbing and roughly messed up my tearful face with his semen-stained hand. He probably meant to wipe it off. Cheon Jaerim lifted his head, observed my face that had become a mess, and inserted his index finger into my mouth.
‘As a commemoration of our reunion.’
He probably means for me to lick it clean.
***
The discharge procedure took place from dawn.
Cheon Jaerim packed my luggage himself. My luggage wasn’t enough to require a bag, but the black bag in the closet began to contain my belongings as it was. The hospital room where the dawn light entered dimly shone like an emerald. Having finished packing the luggage, Cheon Jaerim draped the cardigan hanging on the wall over my shoulders and said:
“You’ve been here long enough, right?”
What could I say to that? The degree of conditions doesn’t move according to my will.
We headed to the clinic. I followed quietly, but there was still time before leaving the hospital. If things went well, I might not have to go back. Discharge also requires the attending physician’s approval. That doctor definitely said I was in a weakened mental state. He definitely won’t let me out. Then I felt an inexplicable confidence.
The person leaving the hospital should be Cheon Jaerim alone.
Scratch, scratch. Cheon Jaerim was writing something, and the doctor had halfway fallen for Cheon Jaerim. He was paying more attention to Cheon Jaerim than to me, the patient. I wanted to divert that gaze. I wanted to emphasize that I was still in a “weakened mental state.” But the psychiatrist bastard seemed to trust Cheon Jaerim more than me.
As the situation became unfavorable, my legs started trembling convulsively. Soon I was also biting my rough nails. I couldn’t figure out what words to use to divert his attention. Moreover, this space was very peaceful, as if the air in the clinic would shatter if I opened my mouth. As various thoughts increased, I couldn’t even properly grasp what the two bastards excluding me were saying.
“Thank you.”
“Not at all.”
The situation was getting worse and worse. I hadn’t even gotten that doctor’s attention to come my way yet. If I gained the power called authority, I would first revoke that doctor bastard’s license. I clenched my fists and racked my brain on how to stay safely in this hospital. My thighs shook even more violently.
“Still haven’t fixed that leg-shaking habit?”
Cheon Jaerim reached out his hand over my thigh. My thigh felt like it stuck with a slap to that palm that lightly squeezed and released the thigh shaking up and down. I was swept by the impulse to attach my thigh and follow the receding palm. I almost really did that. Stop. The squeaking sound of the chair cushion also ceased. Did I shake my legs in the past too? Ah, it’s a side effect. A side effect of the medicine. In the past, I could think about several things at once, but since coming here, multitasking has been impossible. It seems my brain has hardened from not thinking for such a long time.
“I didn’t know Sunjo-ssi had a habit of shaking his legs either.”
The doctor said.
Of course. Because Cheon Jaerim is just lying for no reason. During counseling sessions, I had never shaken my legs even once.
In the meantime, Cheon Jaerim was getting ready to leave. He was picking up the bag he’d placed on the sofa and buttoning his clothes. However, I still had a lot of business in this space. Priority number one was words. There were words I hadn’t said yet.
