When he was engrossed in the joy of performing, Yiyoung put both part-time work and studying on the back burner.
He loved the moments when busy passersby stopped in front of him and softened their distorted expressions. Yiyoung felt like it was tremendous luck that he was someone who could give peace and comfort to others, even if just for a moment. That must have been a very special gift from God.
But that was a story from the distant past. He’d stopped performing around the age of twenty-two.
Chahyun asked repeatedly.
“But why don’t you do it?”
“Just because.”
Not wanting to make Chahyun uncomfortable, Yiyoung summarized his lengthy circumstances.
“It’s a bit of a luxury for me. Labor that doesn’t make money.”
Ki Taeseong had taught him that. It was the day he broke Yiyoung’s acoustic guitar.
Ki Taeseong had always found Yiyoung’s artist antics strangely irritating, but that day he was particularly angry because his mother had been injured at work. He was probably more annoyed because Yiyoung hadn’t answered his calls for a long time while performing on the street. When Yiyoung belatedly rushed to the hospital, his mother was asleep under anesthesia with one arm heavily bandaged after getting splashed with boiling oil at the restaurant.
Ki Taeseong, who had been extremely pissed off, became cold instead when Yiyoung appeared with his instrument. Ki Taeseong snatched Yiyoung’s acoustic guitar, threw it against the hospital room wall, smashed it to pieces, and advised:
‘I’m not good at anything either. But is this really the time for you to be going around acting like some rich young master?’
‘……’
Ki Taeseong was a truly hateful person, but those words alone were right.
Given their poor circumstances, having entered music college, he should have done twice as much as others, whether studying or working part-time. He’d pushed the livelihood problem entirely onto his mother while devoting time to hobbies. Not only that, but he’d also neglected his family duties.
In fact, at that time Yiyoung had wanted to escape from his tiresome reality, including his mother. And during the moments he performed, it felt like he was dreaming a sweet dream, like he was under a spell. As if when he woke up, he’d have arrived somewhere good.
Yiyoung came to his senses at Ki Taeseong’s advice.
From then on, he felt guilty whenever he wanted to perform. As a result, from some point on, his hands and feet turned cold just imagining going on stage. His mother, who knew nothing about what happened between Yiyoung and Ki Taeseong, regretted why he no longer played on the street.
Chahyun seemed to think about Yiyoung’s ambiguous answer for a moment before nodding.
“I know what that feels like too.”
Yiyoung let out a small laugh.
“Chahyun-ssi knows what it feels like to be extravagant?”
Of course, by Yiyoung’s standards, Chahyun was a very extravagant person.
But all the things he owned and did probably weren’t excessive for Moon Chahyun of Moongang Group. Yiyoung couldn’t even guess what kind of consumption would feel extravagant to him.
Curious, Yiyoung asked half-jokingly, half-seriously.
“How do you know? Did you want to buy an island or something?”
“The feeling of wanting something excessive that doesn’t suit you. That would be extravagance, right?”
Since it seemed roughly correct, Yiyoung obediently nodded. Chahyun said something unexpected.
“For me, that’s dating.”
Yiyoung wiped the smile from his face and looked bewildered. Chahyun continued his explanation.
“Marriage is business for me. Romantic feelings, love, sexual love… whatever you call it, those things become extravagances.”
“Ah.”
Yiyoung was at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to say to words that were essentially a declaration that he would end up marrying someone else.
Dating Yiyoung was nothing more than a pleasant escape for Chahyun. Chahyun had said so from the beginning. Thanks to that, even though it was a fact he’d come to know well by now, Yiyoung’s chest ached.
Yiyoung tried to hide his hurt feelings and asked with effort as if it were someone else’s story.
“Can’t you love someone else? If marriage is truly just business.”
“Well. My spouse might be able to do that. But not me. Even if it’s a marriage in name only, I detest affairs of the heart.”
I’m really not the one until the very end. At this fresh realization, Yiyoung smiled bitterly.
On the other hand, he also felt pity.
Having heard this far, it seemed Chahyun hadn’t failed to like anyone until now simply because his standards were high, as he’d said. He’d just paid no attention to feelings he’d given up on early.
Chahyun, who may or may not know this fact himself, added with a cheerfully smiling face:
“So probably from now on too, Bae Yiyoung-ssi will be the only one. The person I can say was my lover, even if only for a time.”
“……”
Then suddenly the weight of Chahyun’s words about wanting to date him even briefly felt different.
It must have been no light feeling for Chahyun. He was saying that even the pleasure of dating, which even a shabby man like Yiyoung gets to enjoy at least once in life, was actually excessive and extravagant for him.
‘Did he meet me with these thoughts before too?’
With the wish to have at least a memory of having loved someone.
If so, his recklessness in confessing to Yiyoung was somewhat explained. Chahyun had been compelled. Though it was questionable why he chose Yiyoung in particular among so many people.
The moment his thoughts were about to deepen, the server brought out the food.
As he’d explained earlier, it was a dish with veal cooked in a sous vide machine and truffles enhanced with flame, arranged like a work of art. Chahyun picked up the silver utensils with an elegant gesture and cut the meat while saying.
“I hope the food suits your taste too.”
It was an affectionate attitude not a bit different from before he lost his memory. Even his expression and voice were genuinely gentle without any pretense.
So despite being strangely unsettled, Yiyoung’s cheeks inevitably turned red.
The meal that followed continued in an unexpectedly pleasant atmosphere.
The more Yiyoung saw of Chahyun, the more eloquent and humorous he was. He was even polite when he wasn’t determined to act annoying. He was also intellectual enough that it was hard to believe his memory was stuck at age twenty. Thanks to that, Yiyoung kept bursting into laughter without time to recall his complicated feelings.
While he forgot to count how many glasses of wine he’d drunk, the night steadily deepened.
Tipsy, Yiyoung felt like he was dreaming. The sensation of this hazy moment was enjoyable and exciting. It felt like riding a train heading to a resort that, even if he didn’t know where it was, was certainly beautiful.
What snapped Yiyoung back to reality was a complaint from a neighborhood resident.
“Fuck, stop with the lovey-dovey shit and go inside to do it!”
Yiyoung was startled and clamped his mouth shut with a snap!
Come to think of it, he didn’t know when, but the band, chef, and servers were no longer visible. He hadn’t realized the surroundings had become so quiet while laughing and chatting. Surprisingly, it was close to midnight.
At this hour, the alley should normally be noisy with the sound of things breaking and shouting as if a fight was breaking out in some house, or drunk people lamenting about life’s troubles, but the neighborhood happened to be peaceful today. Yiyoung’s face turned bright red, feeling sorry and embarrassed toward the neighboring residents.
Then Chahyun chuckled and said.
“Shall we go now?”
Yiyoung quickly nodded repeatedly with his mouth covered by his palm.
As he was feeling dismayed about how to clean up, Chahyun shook his head as if to say not to worry. Yiyoung stood up hurriedly with an awkward expression.
Then he stood by the railing of the vacant lot for a moment to say goodbye to Chahyun.
Chahyun handed Yiyoung his composition notebook with a handmade leather cover and said.
“Here. I’ll return it as promised.”
“……”
Originally, he’d planned to block Chahyun’s phone number once he got this back.
Yiyoung stared down at the composition notebook held in Chahyun’s hand. For some reason, he couldn’t readily take it and just fidgeted with his fingers. Yiyoung hesitated before carefully opening his mouth.
“What about the other things besides this……”
“There was nothing that looked special, so I left them. I wanted to keep the music box and sound wave canvas, but if you want those too, I’ll send them to your house tomorrow.”
Yiyoung shook his head with a restless expression. Though they were things he’d treasured, he’d already returned them to Chahyun, and if he wanted to keep them, there was no reason to feel regretful. It was enough to know that Chahyun wouldn’t break or throw them away.
So if he just got this notebook back, it would really be the end.
Yiyoung took the composition notebook in his hand with a gesture thick with lingering attachment. Only then did he see that the notebook was trembling slightly. Chahyun’s hand was shaking.
