# Chapter 80
Since Crop Five has been doing so well, my job has definitely become easier, and the workload itself has decreased.
It’s not just me; almost everyone who works with Crop Five has experienced the same thing.
Even the PR team doesn’t need to desperately distribute press releases to uninterested people, begging them to cover our boys just once—they’ve elegantly assumed the role of top dog.
Not all artists under Grand Tamer are at Crop Five’s level, and for those with less recognition, the situation is somewhat different, but even then, they’re in a much better position compared to other agencies.
Looking back, Crop Five has received attention from the beginning and has reached their current position by following a steep upward trajectory without any significant bumps.
And this upcoming album with Ki Hyunshin was practically guaranteed to be a massive hit.
Crop Five had started practicing the songs and choreography, while I was dealing with back-to-back concept meetings.
Once promotions begin, it’ll be difficult to enjoy free time like before, at least for a while.
We’re planning to keep this album’s promotion period short, but no one knows how things might change along the way.
As we go, fan requests might extend the activities longer than initially planned.
Ki Hyunshin was a big variable.
No, perhaps the bigger variable was Crop Five itself.
I knew that intense, inescapable love is what makes fans that way.
‘I want to see Han Sijin.’
It was a mistake to think I could see him whenever I wanted.
Moments like these made me realize that.
[I miss you.]
I sent that message eight hours ago.
Sijin checked it after two hours.
Then he sent me a picture of himself drenched in sweat.
Along with a crying emoji.
He gave me a rough estimate of when he’d finish, but even after that time, his practice seemed to continue.
He was having particular difficulty with this choreography.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t learn the moves, but he said he couldn’t capture the right mood.
There was something he told me while smiling.
“I think I’m developing my own stubbornness now. When I didn’t know much, I could just do as I was told, but now that’s becoming harder. It doesn’t feel like me. I feel like doing things my own way would be better. I know this sounds pathetic. As these thoughts keep coming, it feels like my body is rebelling. I’m not satisfied with anything. When I look in the mirror, it’s frustrating. It’s like an annoyed person is staring back at me.”
I wonder what Han Sijin’s fans would say if they heard that.
I just told him that everyone goes through slumps, and to hang in there.
It might be a more serious issue than I thought, but that wasn’t something I could solve.
I hoped my words would comfort him as I encouraged him to stay strong.
He still hadn’t checked that message.
Sijin was having a particularly hard time working with Ki Hyunshin.
It seemed like he was exposed to such a bright light that he couldn’t escape the afterimage.
The other Crop Five members were probably feeling similar, but not as much as Sijin.
Still, I thought it would be a great experience for Sijin if he could just endure it.
He’s already changing at a frightening pace.
I wanted to say I missed him.
Not just through messages like this, but I wanted to say it while looking at his face.
No, I didn’t want to say I miss him—I wanted to say I had missed him.
I wanted to look back at him as he looked at me.
For a moment, I even thought about acting spoiled without caring about my position at the company, my relationship with him, or other people’s gazes.
Of course, I would never actually do that.
Even just imagining it for a brief moment made my face burn hot.
I laughed to myself, and when I checked the chat, the number next to the message had disappeared.
‘He read it!’
From that moment, I waited for Sijin’s reply.
So desperately.
I couldn’t take my eyes off my smartphone screen, not even blinking as I waited for his response to appear.
He had to check it now, of all times.
If only he’d seen it a little later.
Then I wouldn’t have to wait like this.
While thinking that, a photo came in.
He looked very tired with droopy eyes and his tongue sticking out.
[Show me a picture too, hyung. So I can look at it and gain strength.]
It was just that simple request, but I found myself glancing at the door.
Wondering if someone might suddenly come in?
I felt nervous for no reason, even though I wasn’t going to take anything special.
I loosened my tie a little and took a picture, then checked it.
Hah. I wish I looked a bit more fatal, but why do I look sick?
While I was retaking several photos from different angles, he sent a message urging me.
[Why is it taking so long? Are you with someone else?]
[No. I just don’t look fatal enough.]
[Hahahahahahahaha It’s fine, just send it quickly. I’m getting thirsty.]
I sent what seemed like the best one among those I’d taken, and he asked me to send all the others too.
After I sent them all, his reply came back.
[Now I can live.]
[Don’t push yourself too hard. You’re too harsh on yourself. I wish you could be a little more merciful to yourself.]
[I’m not satisfied. Everyone around me says it’s fine, but I don’t want to show something that’s just fine.]
[Take it easy. I really hate perfectionists.]
[Tsk. Even if you say that, it’s not really true. You might not realize it.]
[Just be a little, just a tiny bit more merciful to yourself.]
There was no reply to that.
It seemed he had started practicing again.
I was going to ask if we could have dinner together, but I didn’t get to ask.
Around dinner time, Yeonwoo called and asked if I wanted to eat together if I hadn’t had dinner yet, so I agreed to go out with them.
We agreed to meet in the lobby. When I went down, Ki Hyunshin and all the Crop Five members were there.
Except Sijin.
The members noticed my disappointment after looking around and immediately called me out.
“Hyung. Are you really going to discriminate between us like this?”
But the tone was playful, so even if someone else heard it, they probably wouldn’t think anything strange about it.
“I’m worried about Sijin hyung. It seems like he’s trying to change his singing style and choreography this time, but it’s not working out well. To us, even what he’s doing now seems fine, but I guess he’s not satisfied. He practices too much. He might collapse at this rate, hyung, could you talk to him?”
“Then should I go get Sijin?”
My face must have brightened up too much.
The members shook their heads.
“That might be better. Bring him along, even if you have to force him, hyung.”
“Okay. You guys go ahead.”
My steps were light as I went to get Sijin.
But Sijin said he wanted to practice a little more and didn’t come along, so I trudged back.
When Han Sijin said he wouldn’t eat, I lost my appetite too.
But the members insisted I come, and I ate with an expression like I was chewing rocks.
The members observed me closely.
Even Ki Hyunshin did.
“Why are you all looking at me like that?”
“I’m studying. There are times when I need to write lyrics about love, but we don’t really understand those emotions. So I have to watch, even if it’s like this.”
When Ki Hyunshin said that, the members immediately protested, claiming it was unfair.
“We understand those emotions! Well, I don’t know about the others, but at least I definitely do!”
Lee Dagyeong, who was the least convincing, passionately argued.
“Sure. Right.”
Ki Hyunshin responded indifferently, as if telling him to say something that made sense, and Lee Dagyeong felt terribly wronged.
The Crop Five members, who knew that I was Dagyeong’s only one, expressed their condolences to him.
* * *
A crisis occurred right before the recording.
Han Sijin lost his voice.
If it were a temporary issue, we could postpone the recording, and of course, that’s what we should do, but Sijin refused.
Everyone was shocked by what he said next.
He wanted to sit out this album.
We told him not to rush, to rest well, get treatment at the hospital, and proceed together, but he wouldn’t budge.
He said that this wasn’t just Crop Five’s album but also Ki Hyunshin sunbae’s album, and he didn’t want to cause any problems.
Strangely enough, Ki Hyunshin accepted his decision.
And so, the recording proceeded with Han Sijin absent.
Ki Hyunshin didn’t seem to think Sijin was being stubborn; he simply accepted his opinion.
“Sijin probably needs this process. He got into this situation by trying various approaches hastily, but he actually looks relieved, don’t you think? As expectations for Crop Five grew, he must have become anxious. I can understand why losing his voice completely might feel like a relief in that situation. I think it’s something to celebrate.”
Ki Hyunshin was really something.
How many people could say something like that in such a situation?
Crop Five members shook their heads, saying he seemed to be doing it on purpose, and Han Sijin smiled brightly, asking them to let him off just this once.
In the end, he completely dropped out of the stage he had been practicing so hard for, but Han Sijin genuinely looked refreshed.
My feelings?
I felt guilty, but I was happy.
The hospital said he’d overexerted himself, so he should rest and not speak for a while, and from then on, Sijin really didn’t say a word.
