# Chapter 97
(This is from Ludin’s perspective.)
Pure white light.
Warm and gentle light spread in all directions, forming gentle ripples. Streams of light, undulating like the sea, created a space that both existed and didn’t exist. No matter where I looked, I couldn’t see any shapes I recognized, only white light tickling my body. Though it should have been blinding, it felt like dipping my feet in a strangely unthreatening pool. There was no great stimulus. Come to think of it, there was no pain, no bloodstains either.
Am I dead?
I examined my entire body. I was still wearing the training clothes I’d worn at the temple. Even though they had been torn to shreds days ago, they were now smooth as if time had been reversed. The wounds on my shoulder and chest had disappeared too. Only then did something like certainty settle in. Yes, I’m dead.
If so, that was fortunate. Not so much that being dead was fortunate, but that I was alone here. Kadilen wasn’t here. So I had died, and Kadilen had lived. I was glad I wouldn’t have to take someone I cared about as a companion on this unknown journey to the afterlife.
They say when it’s time to die, your past life flashes before your eyes like a movie, but I didn’t experience that. Instead, something like a strange lump firmly pressed down on my heart in place of wounds. An inexplicable comfort toward the end, yet overwhelming longing, regret for what I’d left behind, and some helplessness. All of these boiled up from my center, becoming one. If this was everything, it was a bit empty. Not having said goodbye, having shown such an unsightly appearance at the last – it felt like all my efforts had scattered. I sighed and cast my gaze far away. In any case, if I was really dead, I should be going somewhere, but there wasn’t anything that could be called a path here.
That’s when something like a signpost glittered in the distance.
It was exactly what I was looking for. Rushing toward it, the object that had looked like a thin thread gradually took shape. But as I approached closer, even closer, I could confirm its true identity.
It wasn’t a signpost. It was a person.
A person who resembled me.
“…Ludin?”
My own name came from my lips. More precisely, the name I had temporarily borrowed. He turned to look at me with a smile. As if he had been waiting for me for a long time.
“Hello.”
The real Ludin looked more mature than I had imagined. Though quite a long time had passed since I had lived with the same body, it was a feeling I had never discovered in the mirror. He smiled gently and looked healthy. Although the physical body he had now probably wasn’t really a living person’s body, his appearance was quite different, with an appropriate amount of flesh and an air of composure. I stared at him in a daze and slightly missed the timing to greet him.
“Ah… hello.”
“Would you like to walk with me?”
He suggested. I hesitated, then nodded. Ludin turned around gracefully and slowly moved his feet. Since there was neither scenery nor roads, wherever his feet touched became the path. He and I walked side by side through the endlessly white space. Unlike me who was somewhat confused, Ludin had a calm face. Soon he opened his mouth.
“You must have many questions.”
“That’s right.”
“Ask. I’ll answer everything I know.”
I looked into his composed eyes.
“Is Kadilen alive?”
“For now.”
My mouth went dry at that uncertain answer. Ludin patted my shoulder as if to tell me not to worry. When his hand patted me as if caressing, my heart strangely eased. I regained my motivation and continued with my questions.
“What happened to you? This is your body. I mean, if I somehow stole your body or something…”
Before my worried words could finish, Ludin burst into laughter. His neat laughter rang clearly.
“You’re worried about that even after death?”
“Huh?”
“Whether Kadilen is dead, whether you stole someone’s property… is that all you’re curious about?”
I was momentarily speechless. Is that so? Come to think of it, questions about my current state didn’t readily come to mind. It wasn’t because I was such a considerate person. It was because I had become somewhat accustomed to the issue of death. Not once during my time living as Ludin had I not thought about death. Whether I wanted to die or not, I had lived dragging this issue along, and that’s why I could be detached at my end. But if it belonged to someone else…
As if reading my thoughts, the corners of Ludin’s eyes curved. He said:
“You may not want to admit it, but I’ve learned a lot watching you from here.”
“By watching me? Why?”
“Because I had given up.”
He told me about the last life he remembered. During his time at the temple with Jiman, Ludin thought of his younger brother whenever things got difficult. His health worsened, but that made him more certain of his choice. He believed it was the right choice for the country he had painstakingly built and for his brother who would gain a new position. But sometimes he missed his family. He wondered if Luan was doing well, if he was still struggling to adapt to being the heir due to Ludin’s insufficient efforts. He had many curiosities. So Ludin sent someone. To follow Luan in his place, to protect and help him. But what Ludin, who was spending each day in pain, discovered was that all this sacrifice had been useless.
The servant who had been following his brother came to the temple one day, pale as a ghost. The words from his mouth were facts too difficult to believe.
That’s how Ludin gave up on life. After learning his brother’s true intentions, every moment of breathing felt meaningless. His willingness to gladly give up his life instantly changed to resentment. That burning anger turned inward, and Ludin drove himself to death.
“And then I came here. I thought it was truly the end, but in fact, it wasn’t. I didn’t die that day. I simply didn’t return because I was too afraid.”
“…”
“That’s how you came to take my place.”
I stood still, shocked by this revelation. So Ludin had known. Suddenly, he seemed so pitiable to me. Yet Ludin genuinely appeared to be smiling with ease. It was a face filled with pure joy, different in tone from the story he had just told.
“I don’t know how such a thing was possible. But what’s certain is that you made everything better.”
“I thought I had ruined everything…”
Ludin shook his head at my uncertain words.
“That’s not true. Watching from here, I saw the people I cherished change because of you. You used the life I abandoned in pessimism to save someone. You tried to save them and be happy together. Moreover, you…”
Ludin took one step closer to me. His voice lowered seriously.
“Even when those you loved tried to kill you, you ended up loving them again.”
“…”
“And now? You’re even feeling sorry.”
He quietly looked at me, waiting for me to organize my thoughts. Then he turned in the opposite direction and once again slowly began to walk.
“I don’t know who brought you here, but it was meaningful to me. Perhaps the intention was for me to learn something by watching someone accomplish what I couldn’t.”
“…”
“So I waited.”
Following behind him, I saw his straight back come to a gentle halt. And then Ludin turned to me.
“To say thank you.”
The warm light rippled, creating a sound like gentle waves. In the momentary silence that came, I quietly listened to that sound. My heart felt strangely at ease. Even though it was the most inexplicable moment, my heart was calm as if it already knew everything. Ludin and I gazed at each other. Only then did the life review that hadn’t come earlier slowly unfold. The first promise I made, the moments of painfully advancing toward my goal like climbing a high mountain, the vivid physical pain, the thread I still hadn’t let go of despite everything, the hand that held me, the gaze, and the love. The desperate, tearful love. The warm, solid love. And the faces with whom I had exchanged that love…
“Thank you too. For letting me live this life.”
I was grateful to him. Every moment of living as Ludin had ultimately been happiness. Although I thought it was just a temporary time to pass through, it eventually became my life. Sincerity bred sincerity, and love desperately held onto me.
There was no separate reality. I realized only later in this life that what I believed was reality. No matter how painful the place where I stood on both feet, even when I wanted to give up everything and anticipate what comes next, ultimately that too was my life. The more dimly I looked at the world, the dimmer it became until I couldn’t even recognize my own existence, and the more clearly I looked, the more vivid it became, shining in all colors. Despite countless falls and attempts to escape, perhaps this very moment was my everything. Not the past stained with pain and regret, nor the future that follows dreams despite anxiety, but right now.
Ludin smiled gently.
“Are you ending it here?”
He was looking at me as if gazing through transparent glass. His smile seemed to contain a hint of playfulness, making me look back at him with all kinds of question marks.
“I told you earlier. I simply didn’t return. That opportunity is still available to me. The chance to live as Ludin again.”
To live as Ludin again…
My mind turned pure white. My heart beat loudly.
“I’ll give that to you.”
“…”
“If you choose to go back, live thinking it’s yours from now on.”
Ludin firmly held my wavering gaze. He was saying this: It’s no longer a borrowed life. From now on, it’s your life.
“Then what about you?”
The question abruptly sprang from my lips. Ludin seemed a little surprised, but soon wore a subtle smile.
“I now need to go meet my brother.”
Luan. So he’s dead.
For some reason I felt awkward, but Ludin seemed rather at ease. He was happy to meet his brother again. For someone imagining a meeting with the person who had ended his life, his face seemed soft and tender. Noticing my gaze, he smiled at me.
“I’ll ask my brother why he did it, and after hearing sufficient excuses, I’ll forgive him. Even if the excuses aren’t sufficient, I’ll forgive him.”
“…”
“That’s the lesson I learned watching you.”
The expression of Ludin saying this was the same as my face that had received his life.
True peace and happiness filled our hearts like gifts to each other. The light that filled the surroundings began to rotate rapidly, soon overtaking our vision. While being swept away by the pure white light, moving somewhere, Ludin quietly took my hand, then released it. Like an encouragement.
