# Chapter 54
Even in the middle of the night, Jiman watched over Rio’s bedside without showing any signs of fatigue. When he said there was nothing he could do as a physician, his face bore an expression I had never seen before. As the child’s fever fluctuated moment by moment and as we patted his back while he vomited thin liquid, Jiman and I could only anxiously bite our lips.
“The situation doesn’t look good. It’s even more fatal for a child.”
Even with the same symptoms, it could be more dangerous for the young Rio. Even Jiman, who had been fighting this disease for years while nursing me, took a long time just to check his pulse. At this rate, I might forever lose the opportunity to get the medicine with Luan’s help. Jiman quietly listened as I desperately explained the situation. He seemed to be deeply contemplating something, but couldn’t readily provide an answer.
“Do you happen to know what that herb is?”
“I don’t know if we can take his word for it, but if he mentioned a thousand years, there’s one type I can think of.”
“Is there really no way to get it?”
I asked, desperately clinging to him. Perhaps Luan was just bluffing. Maybe it wasn’t completely impossible. However, despite my thread of hope, Jiman slowly shook his head.
“If that’s what it is, then it’s impossible. It’s a flower that can only be obtained under very special conditions.”
“Couldn’t someone be selling it somewhere?”
“It’s a flower that blooms for a very short time. Actually, I’ve never even considered using it as an antidote. That’s not its original purpose. Unless someone has deliberately prepared it as medicine, there’s nothing we can do right now.”
As he explained calmly, his eyes became clouded with the same agony as mine. Jiman gently placed his hand over mine as I gripped him. His warm body temperature steadily covered my unstable trembling. As I received his direct gaze, I tried to gather my senses, but I couldn’t prevent myself from falling into a state of panic.
“There must be a way. This can’t be happening. That child…”
Why did it have to be Rio? Why did Rio discover Luan’s passage, of all places? Why was the hole in that wall only large enough for a child to enter? I resented everything. The biggest problem was that even if I cooperated with Luan, there was no guarantee he would willingly hand over the medicine. That’s why I had sent Wimu. Before agreeing to the deal, I needed my own way out.
I looked at Rio, who was sleeping as if dead. Beads of sweat covered his face, which was burning with fever. I carefully withdrew my hand from Jiman and took a wet cloth. My hand trembled helplessly as I wiped the child’s cheeks. Even in his sickly state, Rio remained lovable. He was more angelic than an angel. The thought of possibly losing him made me nauseous.
And it was because of me.
“Huh-ugh.”
“Ludin!”
Despite my efforts to maintain my sanity, my breathing suddenly became constricted. I staggered and braced myself against the wall, dropping the wet cloth. Jiman quickly stopped me as I hastily tried to pick it up again. I tried to calmly count with him, but what invaded my mind was none other than Luan’s voice.
‘Hyung’s affection is a curse. Have you ever seen those you’ve loved be happy?’
No matter how vile a person he was, at least his words were true. No one who had passed through my heart had ever found true peace. I had always wanted to leave this place, but it was none other than I who had started this hellish situation. First Wimu, Jiman, Devan, and now even Rio. All the misfortune suffered by those I cared for originated from me.
Even if it had been their choice, even if each had their own faults, the fact remained that none of this would have happened if I hadn’t fallen here. Just looking at how I had driven an innocent child into danger proved that I was a terribly cursed person.
“Ludin. Take a deep breath. Ludin!”
“Kuh-hack…”
It felt like rolling down an infinitely deep cliff. In an instant, the ground beneath my feet had given way, and I was falling endlessly. Luan’s voice, tinged with laughter, continued to echo in my ears. My oxygen-deprived head was spinning, and my weakened knees hit the floor with a thud. Jiman’s hands hurriedly supporting me felt like an undeserved grace that I shouldn’t accept.
Perhaps even Kadilen, whose life I had saved, might be more unhappy now. He would have acted according to his own will and anticipated and accepted even the worst outcomes, but I might have interfered unnecessarily. I prided myself on saving him, but I couldn’t tell who had become happy. If even I, who wanted it most, was unhappy, who was it all for? What had I loved, and what had I brought down?
All arrows pointed toward me.
“Don’t think about anything for now. You can’t collapse right now.”
“…It’s all my fault.”
Jiman was right. I couldn’t just endlessly suffer after choking someone’s life. Even in this moment of my despair, Rio’s life was diminishing. My chest burned agonizingly as I consciously regulated my breathing. Despite my still dizzy head, my body, supported by Jiman’s arms, gradually found its center. He quietly pleaded as he watched me forcibly rise.
“Ludin, please… don’t think like that.”
I bit the inside of my mouth until it bled and regained my senses. My whole body was trembling, making it difficult to stand properly, but I straightened my back with great effort. Even though I felt like going crazy, now wasn’t the time. I had to endure, if only for Jiman who spoke such kind words to me. I needed to quickly think of a way to save Rio and put everything back in order.
Rio. A good child who had done nothing wrong except to embrace me.
What I desperately wanted to hear more than anything right now was that child’s young voice, which was the purest and most beautiful I knew.
* * *
Only after Rio barely made it through the crisis did I have the luxury to plan for what came next. Jiman, with an exhausted face, waited for me to speak first. But no matter how much I racked my brain, there was no perfect solution.
I could take Luan’s words at face value and act as a spy for him. But in the worst case, Luan might discard Rio and me after getting what he wanted. From his standpoint, there was no benefit to keeping me alive after he seized power. At first, he might pretend to give the promised reward to buy time, but he could abandon me at any opportunity. By then, there would truly be nothing more I could do. I would have already betrayed Kadilen and wouldn’t even receive the payment for it.
Then there was the option of confessing everything to Kadilen and seeking his help. I could pretend to cooperate with Luan while becoming a double agent with Kadilen’s support. On one hand, I would try to obtain the drug through Luan, while on the other, I would borrow Kadilen’s power to thoroughly isolate Luan. Even if the worst moment came, there would still be a chance. Though it would be difficult to determine the whereabouts of the medicine just by capturing him now, at least I could have that slim hope if he deliberately betrayed me. Also, while it would be hard to search for Luan alone, with Kadilen’s support, I could buy time. There might be a chance to figure out where Luan had hidden the medicine and how to take it from him. If I discovered that, I wouldn’t even need to pretend to cooperate with him.
Of course, as Luan had threatened, if Kadilen found out about the situation, even the existence of the medicine would become uncertain. He had said he would dispose of all the antidotes the moment such a thing happened. That would be the worst path. But I couldn’t find a method without any risk. Every decision carried danger.
If I meekly cooperated with Luan, I would have no way to prevent him from turning his back on me. From the beginning, it wasn’t clear what he was thinking when he made such a proposal to me, and if Luan changed his mind even a little, Rio would lose his life immediately. But if I joined hands with Kadilen, there would at least be room to try not to be discovered. Somehow, I could manage well, follow Luan, neutralize him, and find an opportunity to find a solution.
In any case, contact with Kadilen was essential if I were to act according to the deal with Luan. I would be able to approach him without any suspicion. The important thing was to never get caught during the subsequent search and trap-setting process.
I steeled my resolve and told Jiman my decision. He spent a long time weighing everything. By the time he finally nodded, morning had already dawned.
“I’ll go to Kadilen myself.”
“Will you be alright on your own?”
“Watch over Rio. If Wimu comes, keep him here. I have a lot to ask him.”
He answered calmly. However, after speaking so firmly, I felt uneasy about leaving Rio behind. Sensing this, Jiman calmly gripped my shoulder. I held his hand and closed my eyes for a moment. Without any words, I could feel all of his sincerity. Jiman cared for Rio as much as I did. At this very moment, he would be suffering exactly as much as I was.
“There isn’t much I can promise you, but you can believe this. Ludin. Even in the most desperate moments, I will stand by your side.”
He didn’t need to say those words. He was the person who had stayed by my side during all my lowest points. It was all thanks to Jiman, who consistently kept his place, that I could decide on a gentle ending rather than giving up miserably. He had always suffered with me and loved even that suffering. When I lifted my head from the darkness I had been curled up in, he was shining most brightly toward me.
“I will too.”
I gripped his hand even tighter. Though I hadn’t slept at all, my mind was clearer than ever.
“I’ll always be by your side, Jiman.”
