Kadilen’s Disciple 33

# Chapter 33

Devan’s voice echoed throughout the room. The guards standing at the door awkwardly looked to the king for direction. Kadilen crumpled his face in irritation and gestured to them. It was a sign of permission.

The reason he hadn’t listened to the man called Jiman was simple. He wasn’t unaware that Jiman and Ludin had a special relationship. He hadn’t sought him out, thinking he would surely defend Ludin. He had released the man, judging that he had merely assisted the prince without any political involvement. Now, if Jiman had something to say, Kadilen thought there must be something else he didn’t know. At this point, he couldn’t easily dismiss any information.

The door opened, and Jiman entered with a stern expression. Without paying attention to anything else, he immediately looked around for Ludin. Upon discovering his miserable state, Jiman turned pale and rushed to him.

“Ludin! Wake up. Look at me.”

“…”

This wasn’t the Ludin he knew. When he forcibly lifted the limply hanging head, lifeless eyes were revealed. There were traces of blood on his face. With his depleted strength, the bleeding wouldn’t easily stop. Unleashing his anger was a matter for later. He forgot where he was and who was watching, focusing solely on treating Ludin.

Nothing else mattered. While administering urgent care and continuing with the prepared treatment, Jiman was consumed with worry. Ludin’s tightly closed mouth still wasn’t uttering his name. Occasionally muttering unintelligible words, his blue-tinged dead lips couldn’t function normally.

“How did you end up like this…”

After cryptically sending Devan away, Jiman had been beside himself with worry for Ludin. He shouldn’t have trusted anyone from the beginning. It was unreasonable to guess the relationship between the two based solely on the atmosphere Ludin showed when Devan appeared and their conversation. It was simply that Ludin wasn’t someone who would easily ask for help, so Jiman had naturally assumed that whoever Ludin had turned to in his desperate moment must be a trustworthy person.

It had been a wrong judgment. Meeting Devan again on the way to the palace, Jiman had to suppress his desire to swing his knife at him several times as he listened to his explanation. He barely restrained his impulse, thinking that if he killed Devan, he might not be able to meet Ludin when absolutely necessary.

‘I’ll reveal everything. Shouldn’t that bastard know too?’

Though he detested Devan intensely, Jiman agreed with his words. It wasn’t simply out of resentment toward Kadilen, but from the calculation that doing so would make Ludin’s remaining days peaceful. He wanted to clear everything around him so that all the things tormenting his lord could disappear.

But Devan hadn’t explained exactly what state Ludin was in now. Jiman could understand why he had been evasive. The last time Jiman had seen Ludin was on a rainy day, at his execution ceremony. Though his appearance had been terrible, kneeling with his whole body bound and soaking wet, his heart hadn’t been as dead and blackened as it was now.

Despite his turbulent emotions, Jiman’s examination continued with precision. After the prolonged treatment, Kadilen, unable to bear the frustration, raised his voice.

“How utterly presumptuous. Tell me what you have to say at once!”

Even with the angry king before him, Jiman didn’t flinch. He wouldn’t have cared if his head flew off right then. Seeing Jiman silently continuing the treatment without even turning his gaze, a bewildered Kadilen opened his mouth once more.

“…Please give him a moment.”

It was Wimu who stopped him. A trembling hand rested on Kadilen’s shoulder. With fearful eyes, he prevented Kadilen from shouting. Kadilen saw the disturbance in his subject’s heart. It wasn’t simply that it was painful to see the pitiful state of someone who had once been a friend. Recognizing a deeper, more precarious fear, Kadilen stopped what he was about to say.

There had been several such moments at the temple too. Wimu had always been weak when it came to Ludin. The only time this otherwise strong man showed weakness was in matters concerning Ludin. Knowing this, whenever Wimu stopped him, Kadilen always yielded. Ludin was his weakness, and he didn’t want to hurt Wimu unnecessarily.

But at some point, such occasions became fewer. From the moment he had declared he would overthrow Zendal, Wimu had not taken Ludin’s side. He had probably suffered greatly in places away from Kadilen’s gaze. Despite his burning heart, Kadilen knew that Wimu no longer helped Ludin. He thought it was the right decision. Sometimes, for a greater righteousness, one had to detach from personal feelings.

But now, Wimu’s hand on his shoulder clearly conveyed his intention. For some reason, he had changed his resolve. Sensing this, Kadilen’s heart sank. Wimu was once again protecting Ludin from him.

It meant something was wrong.

It felt like sitting in a tank gradually filling with water. The water that had somehow flowed in was now lapping at Kadilen’s neck. He still wanted to believe he was outside the tank. The water that had rushed in suddenly was now submerging him, making it hard to breathe. He couldn’t even guess when the water had started leaking in.

It was harder than ever to acknowledge his fault. Kadilen’s heart, which had held onto doubt until the very end, wavered. He needed confirmation immediately.

“I present myself before Your Majesty.”

Having completed the urgent treatment, Jiman belatedly paid his respects to the king. Kadilen, who had been hurrying him earlier, was strangely silent at Jiman’s brief greeting. Unlike before when he had hurriedly bombarded him with questions, his mind now wandered in search of the right question. Thick walls surrounded him on all sides. It felt like pacing in a narrow space that confined him, endlessly chasing invisible answers.

Everyone held their breath, waiting for their conversation. It was Jiman who spoke first.

“I still worry whether I have the right to convey this fact to you.”

No one hastily asked him what fact he was referring to. With a troubled face, unable to take his eyes off Ludin, Jiman swallowed his surging emotions and continued.

“He told me to keep it to myself. But what is there to gain by keeping the secret any longer.”

“…”

“Ludin doesn’t have much time left.”

Before adding a detailed explanation, Jiman painfully swallowed.

“He has an illness. Until he reached the temple, he tried to hide his symptoms and deliberately damaged his reputation for Prince Luan’s sake.”

“Then…”

“As I told you before, the curse is a misunderstanding.”

“…”

As Kadilen, who had been silent, looked at Jiman about to ask something, Jiman’s whip-like words cut in.

“At some point, his heart changed. Ludin devoted his remaining life to Your Majesty.”

Kadilen didn’t immediately understand his words. They weren’t difficult, yet they were completely incomprehensible sentences.

Illness, curse, misunderstanding, for his sake.

This wasn’t the first time Jiman had revealed these facts. When Ludin returned to the temple and tried to deceive him again, Jiman had wailed, saying the exact same words. It had been right after a ridiculous attempt, and their desperate struggle had seemed merely amusing. There had been no reason to believe.

There was also that cloth with three locations written on it. Contrary to Ludin’s claim that it was a warning for his sake, nothing had happened at those places. Rather, if they hadn’t joined forces with the Garun tribe while avoiding those locations, it would have been difficult to increase the size of the rebel forces afterwards. In his head, numerous grounds for this judgment came to mind, but somehow, the facts he had believed to be valid were gradually cracking.

While the frozen Kadilen couldn’t think of any rebuttal, a voice with ends cracked from fatigue came from somewhere.

‘Save Kadilen. Please.’

‘Why?’

‘I lied to you.’

‘So even going to the temple initially…’

‘That’s not it. There was some… change. By the time I met you, I was already preparing for rebellion at the temple…’

‘So you extracted information from me.’

Everything completely collapsed in an instant.

‘Ludin. If I grant your request, you have to tell me what you can do for me.’

The answer came without the slightest hesitation.

‘I’ll do anything.’

‘Really. I’ll do whatever you want.’

Sound was leaking from the crystal in Devan’s hand. It was an unmistakable voice. Kadilen comprehended the meaning of the words that reached him with difficulty. His stiffened mind couldn’t easily interpret even simple words. Looking at Kadilen’s confused face, Devan painfully spit out every sentence.

“I was monitoring the temple on Zendal’s orders. The reason you were able to pass through those locations was because I pulled back the army.”

“…”

“There was nothing he wouldn’t do to save Your Majesty.”

Wimu buried his face in both hands. With each spoken word, his chest ached as if pierced by sharp arrows. There was no time for atonement. More than anything else, that fact felt the most painful.

“From listening to Jiman’s story, I gather that Ludin deliberately earned Your Majesty’s hatred. I believe your distrust was great.”

Devan was now gritting his teeth. As much as his anger toward himself, his anger toward Kadilen also burned hot.

“But I’m curious about one thing.”

“…”

“If you could read his emotions, why didn’t you believe him even when he was telling the truth?”

Kadilen stood there, feeling dizzy, not even thinking of opening his mouth.

Emotions were a variable for Ludin.

During his stay at the temple, he didn’t abandon his act as a mad prince to remain by Kadilen’s side. As a result, losing the trust of the temple people was something he had brought upon himself. Ludin believed his actions were worth it. It was better to reduce interference from the palace to save as much time as possible. He thought it didn’t matter what Kadilen thought of him.

However, when rebellion began due to misunderstanding about the curse, Ludin desperately tried to help him. It wasn’t easy to deceive Devan and relay information to Kadilen. His credibility was already at rock bottom. It was frustrating, but he thought it couldn’t be helped. Given Ludin’s accumulated vices and his own actions, he thought it natural that Kadilen couldn’t trust him.

But just as with Ludin, his emotions were also a variable for Kadilen.

At some point, Ludin began to speak only truth. Each time, what Kadilen felt was the strongest emotion constituting Ludin’s sincerity. He couldn’t help but know who that emotion was directed toward. When Ludin was flustered at having his heart exposed and couldn’t provide a proper explanation, it was Kadilen’s decision to trample on his heart and regard it as a shallow trick.

He was ignorant about love. It wasn’t always certain and controllable like cutting something with a sword. It wasn’t like a well-crafted weapon that could be fabricated for a purpose.

Leaving Devan’s unanswerable question behind, Kadilen staggered toward Ludin.

“…Ludin.”

He called him as if whispering. Kadilen’s finely trembling hand touched the tip of Ludin’s chin.

He faced Ludin’s empty eyes to read again the emotion he couldn’t possibly understand. It was a different feeling from before. Even his name had changed from what it was before.

The crystal heated up, conveying his shattered heart.

There was no sorrow, resentment, or pain that should rightfully be felt in this situation. The absolute and unconditional affection that had been directed at him could never be felt again. All that remained in Ludin’s heart was deep darkness settled in an old and empty place. Into that darkness, which resembled the eyes of the one he had loved, he was falling endlessly, falling and falling.

As if trying to find that sultry emotion he had felt just once, Kadilen wandered aimlessly through Ludin’s heart. For the first time in his life, he profoundly realized how frightening and painful that emotion, which he had never possessed, had been.