Oh. It’s because of me.
Only then did I realize I’d still been holding Choi Seol’s hand the whole time, and I jumped back in a hurry.
“Sorry, I didn’t even realize.”
I shouldn’t have added that last part.
I wanted to hold his hand without even realizing it. Worried he might take it the wrong way, I swung my guilty hands behind my back and glanced at him cautiously, when Choi Seol let out a small huff of laughter. For a moment, I lost myself entirely without meaning to. It was the first smile like that I’d seen today…… no, even ten years ago, that kind of smile from him had been rare.
“Han Yeoreum?”
“……I’ll show you to the bathroom.”
Turning around with some difficulty, I hurried further into the room, and I could feel Choi Seol following behind me. My steps naturally quickened. Since the rooms were connected one after another, after passing through one more room, we arrived right in front of the bathroom door.
“Here it is. This used to be the kitchen with the traditional clay stove, but back when grand—when my grandparents were alive and had trouble getting around, it got renovated into a modern bathroom. Towels and a new toothbrush are in the cabinet, so just take what you need. I’ll find you something to wear and leave it outside the door.”
Thankfully, my voice came out steady. I even managed a friendly host’s smile, like a proper homeowner should. But the moment Choi Seol stepped into the bathroom and the door closed, I couldn’t fight off the wave of self-disgust crashing over me, and I sank down, burying my face in both hands. My forehead felt damp against my palms.
Thanks to the structure of the hanok, I’d barely ever sweated indoors even during the height of summer’s heat. Which meant I’d been that tense. Even trying to chalk it up to the summer heat, I shook my head almost immediately.
This had been me wavering, plain and simple. I’d thought there was no way I’d waver over a first love from ten years ago at this age, and yet I’d nearly gone under from nothing more than his body heat and a single smile.
Was thinking “it’ll be fine” too careless of me? It’d be a real problem if I was already like this, barely any time after psyching myself up back at the hospital. Resolving to keep myself more firmly in check, I hurried back to the room to grab some clothes.
Even at a glance, the difference in our builds was considerable, which made picking out clothes harder than expected. Thankfully, since I valued comfort while at home, I had plenty of loose t-shirts on hand, but pants were the real problem. None of my summer pants looked like they’d fit him.
Should I just buy new clothes? It wasn’t set in stone how many days he’d be staying, but it didn’t seem like he’d be moving anywhere tomorrow, at least. Even when I’d first brought Choi Seol home, I’d braced myself for at least three days. Money was bleeding out of me left and right at this point. Between the hospital bill and now an entire unexpected month’s worth of living expenses draining away. Of course, I’d eventually get it all back, but in good conscience, that could only happen once he regained his memory.
Thinking through the practical realities like that, whatever emotional state I’d just been in faded away completely. At twenty-seven, apparently, I had none of the stamina, patience, or romance for love that I’d had at seventeen. Chuckling a little at the absurd thought, a good idea suddenly struck me. I rummaged through the entire wardrobe and laid out a pair of pants I found, along with a t-shirt and underwear, neatly in front of the bathroom door.
“You can wear this, right?”
“…….”
“Han Yeoreum?”
“Huh? Oh, right.”
At the sight of Choi Seol, freshly bathed and changed into the clothes I’d given him, I’d been standing there blankly with my mouth hanging open, and only belatedly managed to respond.
“This house is registered under my uncle’s name, so he comes by once in a while to check on it. My uncle left these here to wear during those visits—they’re not uncomfortable, are they?”
“Not at all. If anything, they’re roomy, so they’re comfortable.”
“……Guess so.”
It was a modernized hanbok. Not exactly summer wear, but the fabric was cool and it ran large, so I’d figured it might even be a bit too big on Choi Seol, but to my surprise, it fit him perfectly. And on top of that, it suited him remarkably well. On me, the same thing had looked like baggy old farmer’s pants.
Of course someone that good-looking makes everything look designer……
How did he manage to pull it off so flawlessly? Switch the era, and I might’ve genuinely mistaken him for some noble family’s young master. Recalling how my mom used to say I looked like a farmhand whenever I wore it, I felt a tiny pang of dejection.
“I laid out the bedding. You can sleep in that room over there later.”
I gestured toward the sliding door in the middle of the room, half-open, pointing to the space beyond it.
“What about you?”
“Me? I’m……. here?”
I pointed to the bedding laid out in the corner of the room we were currently standing in. This side was where I kept my wardrobe and various odds and ends. The space I’d given Choi Seol had originally been my own bedroom, which probably made this side look comparatively cramped.
“It’s fine. This used to be two separate rooms that got combined into one, so there’s still plenty of space here for one person to sleep comfortably.”
“Can’t we just sleep together?”
God, what did I just hear.
I knew he didn’t mean anything by it. He was probably just saying that out of guilt for taking over my bedroom. “Sleeping together” probably just meant laying out our bedding side by side in the same room.
Even so, that was absolutely out of the question.
“I actually snore pretty badly. Honestly, this door doesn’t soundproof anything either, so even with it closed, it might still be loud.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I mind.”
This was someone I’d once harbored feelings for. Especially being gay myself, I needed to keep a certain line drawn. It was a matter of basic respect toward Choi Seol too. When I said it firmly, Choi Seol fell silent for a moment, looking visibly displeased. Seeing that wavered me slightly, but steeling my earlier resolve again, I offered a minimal compromise.
“Then let’s sleep with one side of the sliding door left open. That way it’s basically the same as being in the same room.”
“……Fine.”
Only then did Choi Seol relent and climb into the bedding. Watching the unfamiliar sight, I heard him murmur as he lay down.
“It’s warm.”
It was an odd word to use in the thick of midsummer heat, but considering Choi Seol’s circumstances, hearing him say something like that actually put me at ease. It probably meant he was comfortable, at least.
“Just leaving the window open keeps it cool enough at night around here, but just in case, I’ll leave the fan next to you. Turn it on if you get hot.”
“…….”
“Choi Seol?”
“…….”
Getting no answer, I set the fan down beside him and cautiously approached. His eyes were closed. A moment later, the sound of deep, steady breathing reached me. Surprised that he could fall asleep that fast, and yet seeing his utterly exhausted face left my heart feeling heavy. It had been an exhausting day. For Choi Seol, it might’ve felt like a day as long as ten years. So let him rest properly. Whatever came next could be figured out later.
“Meow.”
A cat’s cry drifted in from somewhere. Hearing it sound almost like a lullaby, I realized that, somewhere along the way, I’d caught Choi Seol’s drowsiness myself. The summer evening, with its long daylight hours, still glowed bright outside. And yet it already felt like night had arrived. My eyelids grew heavy. My memory of that day ended there.
The instant I opened my eyes, the chilly air made me frown on reflex. Dawn again. Living in the countryside, I wondered if I’d somehow absorbed the locals’ way of life, and the thought that I might actually get used to this terrified me. I tried squeezing my eyes shut again, hoping to force myself back to sleep, but it wasn’t long before they opened again.
Something felt off. Like I’d forgotten something important.
Peeking my head out from under the blanket, I spotted the neatly laid-out bedding in the room across from mine.
Why is there an extra set of bedding laid out? That looks like mine, though.
Oh right, I brought Choi Seol here yesterday. But he’s not there?
Was it a dream? Then again, reuniting with my first love through an accident I’d personally witnessed, only to find out he had amnesia—and on top of that, memories frozen at seventeen—there was no way that wasn’t a dream.
Since a cat had shown up, it probably wasn’t a nightmare, more like a “cat dream,” if that’s a thing. Apparently cats are considered sacred in some countries, so it had to have been a good dream. Plus, my first love had shown up too.
Honestly, without even realizing it, I must’ve been lonelier than I thought. Then again, two years in the military plus a year of countryside living—three years total without dating—it made sense I’d start getting pent up eventually.
Which was almost more disappointing, really. If it was going to be a dream, it could’ve at least been a little steamier, instead of being so wholesome it bordered on babysitting some kid. My thoughts had clearly turned a little indecent thanks to the early hour, but figuring I was about to fall back asleep anyway, I crawled back under the blanket regardless.
And right as I closed my eyes, my phone rang.
Wondering who on earth would call at this hour, I frowned and checked the screen—it was Hae-sook noona. Come to think of it, she’d shown up in the dream too. Worried I might face some kind of divine punishment for ignoring it, I forced myself to hit the call button and opened my mouth.
“Hello…….”
“Come out. I’m at the front gate.”
I pulled the phone back from my ear and looked at the screen again. Six in the morning.
That damn six o’clock hour again. Did this hour have some kind of grudge against me? Or maybe the grudge belonged to the noona instead. She’d done this before too, back when she’d drunk all night and came pounding on the door at this hour trying to set up an alibi before her father could scold her, so I decided to flatly ignore her this time.
“I can’t come out…….”
“The inner gate’s open. I’m counting to three, then I’m coming in.”
The inner gate’s open?
Being an old traditional house, it had separate outer and inner quarters. I lived in the inner quarters, and the only way to reach it from outside was through the inner gate attached to the outer quarters. It had a nice, cozy feel, being hard to see from outside, but it was a real hassle whenever a delivery or a guest showed up, having to dash all the way from the inner quarters to the front gate. In the end, I just left the front gate open and kept only the inner gate locked, using it like a regular front door—so it being open now was strange. Left with no choice, I stepped outside, and there in front of the wide-open inner gate stood the noona in her police uniform, pacing back and forth.
She didn’t look dressed for work, so maybe she actually had been drinking and come to cause a scene.
“Noona, if you’ve been drinking, go home and sleep it off…….”
“I had to pull a night shift without even getting off on time, all because of some thieving little punk. So maybe it’s because I haven’t slept and my mind’s all on edge, but I keep seeing things.”
Wondering whether I should even keep humoring whatever dream-logic nonsense this was, the noona’s words came pouring out before I could decide.
“Seriously handsome…… no, wait. I don’t think I’ve ever once in my life thought a celebrity was that handsome. Is he even human, or some kind of angel? No, wait, aren’t grim reapers supposed to be that handsome too? Then maybe he’s a grim reaper. But why does his face look so familiar.”
“……And so?”
“What do you mean, ‘and so’? Did you kick the flower boy out of your house? Why’s he wandering around near the fields?”
What flower boy? Just as I tilted my head in confusion, right on cue, the top of my foot throbbed from exposure to the dawn chill. This time, I really did feel like I’d been jolted wide awake from a dream.
