His appearance gave a neat impression, but he was actually quite handsome. Unlike himself who grew up mainly hearing he was ‘pretty,’ Seo-an was probably one of the top handsome men since childhood.
That was still the case now. What kind of person with a four-year-old child had such subtly innocent-looking features with firm eyes? So it seemed like he would fall for it if coaxed gently, but at the same time, he was someone from whom it was difficult to easily request something.
To put it precisely, it wasn’t easy to know his intentions. Seo-an, who acted infinitely honest and pure but then acted decisively at certain moments, was a very difficult existence to Hae-won both then and now, and therefore all the more maddening.
“It’s okay, so tell me, what is it?”
Hae-won asked while suppressing his frustration. He refined his expression that might look a bit sulky and deliberately spoke more affectionately.
Seo-an’s neat lips moved slightly. It seemed like he had something to say, but he appeared to be choosing and choosing again to say only the minimum.
This appearance of Seo-an was familiar too. Hae-won even nodded his head saying it was okay, half giving up. Only then did Seo-an begin.
“…I was going to say sorry. Just, I thought I acted too sensitively. I think it must have been awkward, I’m sorry.”
As expected, Seo-an spoke with the simplest words possible, but in a voice that didn’t hide his sincerity.
In the end, Hae-won only ended up feeling how weak he was to Kwon Seo-an. When he let out a deep sigh, Seo-an smiled awkwardly.
“I’m sorry. I mean it.”
Seo-an, who barely conveyed his sincerity in such a monotone manner, unconsciously smiled faintly while watching Hae-won relax before his eyes.
“Got it.”
“Thank you so much for coming to see the kid from time to time. This too…”
“Yes, you mean it, right?”
Hae-won stood up as if that was enough. Seo-an’s gaze followed Hae-won up as he sat there. His eyes asked where are you suddenly going? At the nonverbal question, Hae-won tilted his head and asked.
“Then, should I sleep here? While not letting me shower.”
Then he gestured toward the clock with his eyes. It was an attitude as if he had only come to talk, as if it was time so he was going home.
Rather, it was Seo-an who was flustered. He thought they could talk about this and that and clear things up, but Hae-won’s current behavior seemed to have no lingering attachment at all.
…No, then do I have lingering attachment?
When Seo-an narrowed his brow briefly in complexity, Hae-won continued.
“You said the kid tosses and turns all night if she wakes up around this time. Hyung apologized, and I accepted. Done. If you really feel sorry, let me pick her up from daycare again starting tomorrow.”
“Ji-yu?”
Seo-an asked again.
“Why go that far?”
If it were me, I would have said ‘live however the fuck you want’ out of hurt pride. No matter how much he heard an apology, he knew it wouldn’t be easy to readily show goodwill once feelings were hurt.
On top of that, they went three days without contact, so what’s so lovely about helping? If it were me, I would have let him suffer for a few days out of spite and ignored him.
“I think hyung would have done the same.”
At Hae-won’s firm words that followed as if reading his thoughts, Seo-an blinked.
“Ah, just… I just want to, just. I don’t know either.”
Along with words that sounded like irritation, Hae-won’s expression also twisted slightly. It seemed like he didn’t want to say more. Seo-an had the conscience not to say no here.
Besides, if he refused more when even Hae-won himself was irritated saying he didn’t know the reason, wouldn’t both their feelings just be hurt? Since they had just made up and he didn’t want to repeat the same thing, Seo-an eventually nodded reluctantly.
“If you help, I’m grateful. And if I leave her with you, I feel at ease too.”
What he conveyed in a neat tone without inflection was sincere. But somehow Hae-won’s expression frowned more than before.
“…You feel at ease?”
He even bit his lips tightly and looked at Seo-an with resentful eyes. As if something unfair had happened.
…Was saying I feel at ease a mistake?
Seo-an, who had no way of knowing Hae-won’s feelings, tilted his head, but that didn’t change Hae-won’s expression.
“Really, hyung.”
“Huh? Yeah.”
“You’re really annoying, hyung.”
So why?
He was about to ask, but Hae-won was already far away toward the entrance.
“Sleep well or whatever.”
The door closed firmly along with words that may or may not have been a greeting. Only Seo-an’s bewildered emotions remained, not understanding.
“…What?”
The question that burst out was also sincere.
Seo-an genuinely didn’t know which part of his words had rubbed Hae-won the wrong way. Nor the fact that each of his words was leaving bigger ripples in Hae-won’s heart.
***
Gong Se-hyeok
How long are you going to play around
What am I playing around
Busy as hell
Hae-won put down his phone after replying indifferently to the contact from Gong Se-hyeok that came after a long time. He had made up with Seo-an, or not really made up, but the uncomfortable feeling still didn’t go away.
It was because somehow a part that didn’t sit right remained.
Probably, it’s because of that damn divorce.
Hae-won still didn’t understand many things. How he met someone else, married them, had a child, got divorced in the meantime, and drew a line with him again because he couldn’t forget that hurt. He couldn’t accept any of it.
Usually when he wasn’t thinking about it, he was fine, but every time it suddenly popped up, he felt bad. It had already been 4 years since he heard about his marriage, and even during that time, it was resentment that hadn’t subsided.
No, but really when?
Hae-won squeezed his eyes shut.
At first, he trembled so much thinking there’s no other cat that climbed the stove first when he didn’t look the type. Even though there were no words about dating, they kissed, held hands, often fell asleep together at each other’s houses, and even took care of each other’s mornings like newlyweds.
But marriage.
At the sense of betrayal that he was two-timing, he had also vowed that if they ever met again, he would absolutely not act obediently. But—
“Bullshit.”
As soon as he saw Seo-an, the resentment disappeared completely, and he just became a loyal dog wagging his tail. People have no backbone like this.
Hae-won let out a deep sigh. Well, what can I do, I like him to death. Not content with giving him one of the biggest shocks he’d experienced in his life, even though he was openly drawing lines and getting hurt, Hae-won didn’t dislike Seo-an.
That’s why I hurriedly grabbed my clothes and went when he said let’s meet briefly.
Hae-won, recalling last night’s events, cursed himself saying ‘you idiot,’ but stood up feeling light, saying I got an apology so that’s enough.
Gong Se-hyeok
What are you busy with, you’re unemployed
Don’t tell me you’re joining your father’s company?
Save a spot for me too
ㅗ Going to see the kid
Father’s company, my ass.
Even now, his parents were saying it was about time he started working, and to contact them whenever he was ready since anytime was fine, but Hae-won had no intention of working yet. Anyway, the path is set and it’s a road I’ll have to go down someday, so is there a need to rush that timing?
Hae-won recalled the rumor of being ‘rich’ that surrounded him from the moment he entered university. If word got out that he got a job immediately after graduation, his classmates would definitely say things like ‘living life easy by being born to good parents.’
It wasn’t that he disliked hearing those words or felt burdened. He just disliked the requests that would come in this way, so he wanted to postpone it a bit for now.
Well, right now he was hearing things like he was being leisurely because he had money, but so what. Having something and enjoying it isn’t a crime, is it?
Hae-won didn’t care much since they were words that could easily be said.
Thinking of the weather that had suddenly gotten cold, he grabbed a thick coat. Next, he also grabbed candy that he put in Ji-yu’s pocket one at a time whenever he saw her. As parents with young children usually do, Seo-an also seemed to restrict sweets, so Ji-yu’s cheekbones would softly rise whenever she saw candy.
At first, it was just something he brought with the intention of getting a little closer, wondering if she’d be wary of an unfamiliar adult. Now it had become a tool to win the child’s favor.
Let’s go.
Hae-won, swallowing his monologue inside, left the house with light steps.
It was only 5 minutes to the daycare. Even though it wasn’t that far, Hae-won felt a fairly heavy sense of responsibility.
***
“Ah, Ji-yu’s samchon is here?”
At the welcoming voice heard as soon as he entered the daycare, Hae-won smiled good-naturedly saying “yes” as he always did.
