I faltered at the unfamiliar term. Dae-in-gi-pi-jeung? After brief consideration, I shook my head.
“I don’t have that kind of certification.”
“I meant whether you have symptoms of extremely disliking facing people.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Still, how about receiving psychiatric counseling once? Think of it as a regular checkup…”
“I’m not depressed. Mental illness or anything like that…”
I was about to flatly say I didn’t have anything like mental illness, but thinking about it, there might be a problem with my mind. Like how I disliked showing my face to others and how I couldn’t look at my own face well either.
“I don’t want to fix my mental illness.”
Perhaps my answer was too firm, as this time even the doctor didn’t recommend treatment anymore.
“…I understand. Still, if there are any inconveniences in your life, please let me know. I’ll help as much as possible.”
“Thank you for your hard work.”
I bowed my head and left the examination room.
***
Physical contact. I recalled the conversation I’d had with the doctor a few days ago as I waited for the car Kwon Yujin would arrive in.
It was our most difficult task. Physical contact. But it was ironic that it was the fastest way for Kwon Yujin to regain stability.
While I was lost in such thoughts, a white car had already stopped in front of me. When I checked who was in the driver’s seat, surprisingly today it wasn’t a driver but Kwon Yujin himself at the wheel.
I opened the passenger door and sat down. I stared at Kwon Yujin’s face intently, pondering how to get our bodies in close contact.
“What did you talk about with the doctor when you went to the hospital last time?”
Perhaps feeling my gaze, Kwon Yujin asked.
“I asked how I could be helpful to you. The doctor said it’s important to keep sticking close to you.”
“……”
“Not just being together, but to narrow the distance.”
As if he already knew everything, Kwon Yujin showed no particular reaction.
The doctor said holding hands or hugging would be somewhat effective, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell Kwon Yujin that much.
‘Sexual activity would certainly be the most definite help.’
In the end, she also said sexual relations would be the most helpful, but that was something I could never bring up even if I died. Even if I somehow managed hugging, sleeping with Kwon Yujin was absolutely unimaginable. I’d only seen Kwon Yujin’s naked body when he was young, and even that was hazy.
When Dad, who reigned like a tyrant at home, went out, I would personally wash the child. Of course, as Dad’s faithful accomplice and son, I never removed the thin chains tied to those small, delicate hands and feet even when taking him to the bathroom to wash.
The child couldn’t dress himself well alone and was clumsy at washing. His soaping was too awkward. He couldn’t even brush his teeth properly. It meant he naturally received someone’s care all the time.
I taught the child how to bathe, how to dress, and how to brush teeth so he could learn step by step.
‘When do you use shampoo?’
‘There’s no shampoo. You wash your hair with soap.’
‘That’s not right. You have to wash with shampoo. Making bubbles like this.’
‘Look carefully. Soap makes bubbles too. Right?’
‘…Then what do you wash your body with?’
‘You wash your body with soap too.’
‘When do you put on lotion?’
‘There’s no such thing.’
Washing hair with shampoo, applying lotion, massages to grow taller, reading fairy tales—even I had never experienced these, so I couldn’t teach them.
Anyway, I did the maximum I could do. There was even a time when I comforted the child who cried thinking his teeth were breaking, not knowing that baby teeth fall out, telling him it was a natural phenomenon.
I liked that there were things I could teach the child. The fact that I was a helpful existence to the child made me excited.
Conversely, it must have been nothing short of hell for the child. I felt happiness feeding on the child’s terror and isolation. At that time, that was my entire world.
“Let’s eat.”
I said to Kwon Yujin, who was holding the steering wheel.
“No thanks. I’d have to eat alone again anyway.”
However, Kwon Yujin refused at once. It was a harsh answer to me, who had been waiting only for this time.
I thought about it and came up with another alternative.
“Then let’s watch a movie.”
“……”
“I want to watch a movie.”
Somehow feeling he’d refuse this time too, I explained a very valid reason for why we should watch a movie.
“We can stick together for two hours and we won’t be bored during that time.”
This was an activity I’d thought of after racking my brain hard for several days. Watching a horror movie with Kwon Yujin.
While watching the movie, when a ghost appeared, Kwon Yujin would cling close to me or lean his body on me because he was scared. That would be more effective, right?
“…Is there something you want to see?”
Kwon Yujin asked in an unwilling voice. Since he didn’t say no, I’d at least half succeeded.
“Yeah. There is.”
“……”
“You don’t like movies either?”
“No. Let’s go.”
Children are naturally afraid of ghosts. Young Kwon Yujin was like that too.
And my plan worked out perfectly. After entering the theater, Kwon Yujin acted more anxious as time passed. As the movie’s atmosphere gradually darkened, I could clearly feel the body sitting next to me stiffen.
If he leaned on me first, I could at least hold his hand. Yeah, that much would be allowed between Kwon Yujin and me. Since the current situation is special.
I heightened my nerves to watch for the timing.
Or would it be better if I held his hand first?
Because I was unnecessarily nervous too, my breathing flowed out from the mask with huffs and puffs.
Just then, with a sudden roar, a ghost with blood coming from its eyes appeared filling the movie screen. Even I was a bit startled by this. What if Kwon Yujin is too scared and has a hard time?
“Ahem.”
Should I hold his hand now? Or should I try touching shoulders? Honestly, since Kwon Yujin’s shoulders were so broad, they’d touch right away if I tilted just a little. That would be appropriate physical contact, right?
I was timing it while repeatedly clenching and unclenching my hand.
Then I happened to check Kwon Yujin’s face revealed in the brightening screen light. He was breaking out in cold sweat. His expression also looked uncomfortable somewhere. Even though this wasn’t a scary scene.
“What’s wrong?”
Sensing something off, I whispered. But Kwon Yujin only pressed his lips tighter without saying anything. As if he couldn’t hear me.
“If you’re that scared, should I hold your hand?”
“……”
“Or you can lean on me a little.”
“Excuse me. Could you please be a bit quieter?”
Perhaps my voice was too loud, as the man sitting in front turned around and pointed it out. Before I could give an appropriate answer, Kwon Yujin suddenly stood up from his seat.
“Huh? Where are you going?”
I whispered in a lowered voice. But what came back was consistent disregard.
As if I didn’t exist, Kwon Yujin left the theater alone. I watched his retreating figure with an absurd face before belatedly chasing after him.
“What’s wrong? Kwo…!”
Even though I tried to speak as quietly as possible, drawing attention seemed unavoidable. Feeling the audience’s gazes concentrate this way, I tried to call his name but shut my lips tight, thinking “oops.”
As soon as we completely exited the theater, the place Kwon Yujin headed to was the bathroom. He gripped the sink and let out rough breaths while standing.
“Haa, haa.”
Only then did I recognize that the pheromones flowing from Kwon Yujin were different from usual. Being dull to such stimuli, I had thought until now that Kwon Yujin was like this because the movie was scary.
‘In situations where pheromones are unstable due to imprinting, you react especially sensitively to the pheromones of others besides your imprinted partner. It’s been quite a while since you’ve gone to crowded places because of this problem.’
The Chief Secretary’s words flashed through my mind.
Ah. We shouldn’t have come to the movie theater. I felt like I understood why Kwon Yujin’s first reaction was ambiguous when I suggested going to see a movie. It was the wrong choice from the start.
“Are you having a really hard time? Don’t you have medicine or something?”
I carefully approached Kwon Yujin and asked. Seeing the cold sweat beaded on his forehead made even me feel anxious.
“Let’s just go outside. Or, or, ah! Should I contact the person who goes around with you? That person called the Chief Secretary…”
“Fuck, my head hurts so shut up.”
Kwon Yujin leaned his back against the bathroom wall and closed his eyes. Then he covered his forehead with his hand and muttered curses.
Unlike me who could only stomp my feet not knowing what to do, Kwon Yujin actually seemed accustomed to this situation. Except for the part where he was suffering.
“……”
Imprinting is really dangerous. I looked up at Kwon Yujin pitifully and bit my lower lip.
“Go.”
After catching his breath to some extent, Kwon Yujin said.
“Huh?”
“I’ll call my agent, so you go.”
“Still…”
Kwon Yujin’s hand taking out his phone from his pocket was trembling slightly.
