Saturday morning. As expected, Henry, who had gone to the main house, could only sit properly after giving his family a thorough explanation about his ankle.
Richard and Margaret. Veronica, his eldest sister who had been busy with work recently, and even Iris. A dining table where everyone had gathered except Samuel, the eldest son and firstborn of the house.
“Henry, Veronica. The church’s New Year camp this year starts on December 27th.”
As soon as they sat down, Richard spoke in a gentle but overbearing tone.
He didn’t ask the siblings whether they would participate. It had long been a given that members of the household would attend.
“What about Samuel? Is he coming this time?”
Iris asked Richard with a bright smile. Richard’s expression became displeased.
From that face alone, the siblings and Margaret could easily guess the answer.
“He says he’s busy this time too. Even if he’s busy, still. I don’t understand what could be more important than the time spent at church. He’s become someone who doesn’t even know whose grace allows him to eat and drink, tsk.”
The siblings exchanged glances with each other.
Samuel had stopped coming home at some point. No one explicitly mentioned the reason, but everyone present knew. Why he didn’t return to the place where he was born and raised.
The conflict began in the fall a few years ago. It started with the girlfriend he had brought on Thanksgiving. She had already been divorced, had a child from her previous marriage with her ex-husband, and was Asian.
Henry had experienced Richard’s contradictions for the first time that day.
Samuel seemed to have brought her thinking Richard would welcome her, but Richard did not welcome her.
Richard’s church was large, and so were its congregation. He met countless people and heard various stories. Richard’s role was to accept them all without exception.
Indeed, that was how Richard appeared at church.
But apparently, it was fine only because they were complete strangers. Richard did not view favorably when those close to him possessed such diversity.
Richard always preached about God’s equal love, but Henry learned then that the love of Richard, who was merely a pastor, always came with conditions.
As soon as Samuel’s name came up, the atmosphere at the table turned cold. Margaret grabbed Richard’s hand to comfort him and called Henry in a gentle voice.
“Henry.”
“Yes?”
Henry, who had been practically burying his face in his teacup, reflexively raised his head with a start.
“What is Declan doing during the break?”
With a gentle smile, she called Declan Russell’s name with utmost familiarity.
“Uh… I don’t know exactly, but he’ll probably be at the dorm?”
Henry answered her, having become somewhat uneasy. Then she smiled brightly and clapped her hands lightly as if pleased.
“Then, shall we invite him?”
“Uh… Russell?”
Henry asked back uneasily, but she didn’t notice Henry’s mood.
“Yes. Christmas will be fine since there’s a party at school, but then that means he’ll be spending the year-end and New Year all alone. He’ll be lonely.”
“Ah, um…”
“During break, all his friends will leave and go home. It’s too pitiful for him to stay at school alone.”
While Henry hesitated, she added more. At those words, Henry’s hand, which had been fiddling with his teacup, stopped.
“…I don’t want to invite him. He’s not a pitiful kid to begin with, and he won’t welcome it either.”
He answered honestly. It was the maximum courage he could muster, having never defied Margaret’s words in his entire life.
As soon as Henry’s words ended, Margaret’s expression hardened.
“Henry. What are you saying? You can’t treat a friend like that. It must already be sad that he can’t see his parents. How hurt would Declan be if he heard this?”
Henry closed his mouth at the pouring rebuke. The feeling of being wronged pressed down on his chest. A childish spite naturally welled up.
Isn’t it rude in the first place to invite someone because being alone is pitiful?
He wanted to say such immature words unlike himself. He stopped because it was obvious that it wouldn’t end with just Margaret—he would have to hear Richard’s sermon as well.
“Be more kind-hearted, Henry. You were so gentle and kind when you were young… Anyway. Ask Declan. Asking and him declining versus you arbitrarily assuming he doesn’t need help are two different things.”
“…Yes.”
And so Henry’s timid rebellion ultimately ended with Margaret’s rebuke.
***
Unable to overcome the gloom of being scolded by Margaret, Henry went straight to his room and lay face-down on the bed.
In the midst of that, he vividly remembered the night last week when Declan had been lying next to him, which made him even more unsettled.
Not knowing how much time had passed like that, how long had he been lying there? Knock, knock. Someone tapped on the door.
What if it’s Richard or Margaret? Henry sat up abruptly on the bed, but the voice that actually came was Veronica’s.
“Henry, can I come in?”
At the affectionate voice, Henry sprawled back on the bed and answered.
“Yeah.”
With the sound of the old doorknob turning, Veronica opened the door and entered. She soon saw Henry sprawled out, grinned, and sat in the empty spot next to him on the bed, opening a bag of potato chips.
“…Mom will get angry if she sees.”
When Henry muttered quietly, Veronica burst into a cheerful laugh.
“So what? It’s fine if we don’t get caught.”
The answer was utterly shameless. She pushed a potato chip into Henry’s mouth and smiled with satisfaction.
“Delicious, right?”
“…Yeah.”
The snack that crunched and crumbled in his mouth was salty yet savory. Veronica had a happy face, saying she ate at least one bag of these while working at the company these days.
“I’ll pack you some when you go to the dorm. Take them and eat with Joseph. And with David. Anyway, share them with your friends. You don’t have to eat them with that kid you said you disliked.”
Veronica said with a playful laugh. At the words that showed traces of deeply considering his mood, Henry couldn’t help but smile in the end.
“Declan or whatever. Did you dislike him that much? I was surprised because it was the first time I saw you say you didn’t like something to Mom’s face. You were very brave.”
Instead of reprimanding Henry, Veronica chose to praise him, saying he was brave. At that kindness, Henry’s mouth naturally opened.
“…I disliked him at first, but now I don’t think I dislike him that much.”
“Then why didn’t you want to invite him?”
“…It’s uncomfortable.”
“That friend named Declan?”
“Yeah. And… He’s not a pitiful kid, but I didn’t like Mom calling him pitiful.”
“You didn’t like Mom arbitrarily pitying your friend?”
That was right, but to be precise, it was a little different. It wasn’t that he didn’t like him receiving pity, but he didn’t like thinking of him as ‘someone pity doesn’t suit.’
To Henry’s perception, he wasn’t someone to be pitied by others. Having grown up wanting for nothing, Declan was someone who had everything, enough to make him feel jealous sometimes.
So what if he lives a bit apart from his family? They just don’t see each other often, but he’ll be loved by his parents when he goes home too.
Instead of explaining these ugly inner thoughts one by one, Henry nodded to express his agreement with Veronica’s words.
“I see.”
She didn’t ask further. She simply accepted Henry’s thoughts.
For a while, Veronica sat silently next to Henry. Then, when they had almost finished the snacks, she spoke gently to her younger sibling who had become sullen.
“You know, Henry. Arbitrarily extending a helping hand without knowing well about the other person isn’t always consideration. Mom and Dad don’t seem to know this, though.”
Henry nodded slightly.
“There are definitely people who want to work things out themselves rather than wanting help, even when it’s really hard. For such a person, arbitrarily assuming they need help without even asking, and arbitrarily reaching out your hand—that wouldn’t be what they want, right?”
“…Yeah.”
“It’s not because you’re bad. Don’t be too hurt worrying about Mom’s words. Got it? Tomorrow I’ll take you to school instead of Mom.”
Even while listening to Veronica’s comfort, Henry’s mind wasn’t at ease.
If only I really didn’t want to bring Declan because I was truly conscientious and thoughtful, like she says. How nice would that be?
If that were the case, I wouldn’t have to feel this miserable.
After Veronica left and he looked at his phone, the time was already past midnight.
12:03 AM. …Sunday.
Henry stared at the text on the screen for a long while.
In a few hours, after the sun rose, it would be time for Hazel to go out for her date with Declan Russell.
He didn’t know why he suddenly thought of that.
The house feels suffocating. I can’t breathe.
It was a place that had felt endlessly sweet and cozy when he was young. But now, Henry wanted to escape and run away from here.
“I want to… go to the dorm.”
Henry, curled up alone on the bed while hugging his pillow, muttered.
