My body trembled.
It’s all because of me. It happened because of me.
If only I hadn’t been an extreme recessive, Yoo Seonjae wouldn’t have been shaken like that, and Professor Yeonwoo wouldn’t have lost his child.
The years I’d spent laughing and chatting in front of them not knowing anything felt sinful. I was disgusted with myself for living nonchalantly for the reason that I didn’t know, after inflicting tremendous hurt on them with what I did without knowing.
What did Professor Yeonwoo feel each time I came for checkups as if nothing was wrong? I saw no disturbance from him as he smiled and greeted me, but how rude have I been to him all this time?
“So Yeoul. I hate children.”
Yoo Seonjae’s words struck my ears.
He hates children.
No, he doesn’t hate children. Yoo Seonjae is saying it roundabout as hating children, but he hated extreme recessives who create such situations. Extreme recessives who pour out all the pheromones inside them, smash a fellow trait-carrier’s life to pieces, then live as if they know nothing… living pretending to be pitiful.
“If I hadn’t been in my father’s belly at that time, my father could have lived.”
No. If it hadn’t been for that patient, both you and your father could have lived. If it hadn’t been for me, the baby in Professor Yeonwoo’s belly could have lived too.
“My father was already brain dead, but they kept him alive for a month on life support. Just a shell. Because I was in his belly.”
“Seonjae…”
Tears welled up in Yoo Seonjae’s eyes.
“What am I worth? It would have been better if I had been the one to go wrong instead.”
“How can you say that!”
Yoo Seonjae’s crying figure blurred. Something hot kept surging up my throat and I couldn’t continue speaking.
“There’s no guarantee that shitty situation won’t happen again.”
…Shitty situation.
I quietly listened as those situations that must have remained as trauma for Yoo Seonjae were defined in just one phrase. Though he defined it with endlessly light words, I know. That it’s only part of the sincerity he wants to convey to me.
He doesn’t want me to take it seriously.
To me, who wasn’t ready to hear it yet, this much is nothing so just take it as this kind of thing happened… the reason I hate children is because of that, a confession to that extent, he wants me to accept it as just that much.
In front of him like that, I couldn’t tell him that Yoo Seonjae’s child was already growing in my belly.
“What if, Seonjae.”
“Yeah.”
“What if… I got pregnant?”
I still wanted to test it once. What our child would mean to Yoo Seonjae.
“We’d have to get rid of it.”
“…Huh?”
“We’d have to get rid of it, Yeoul. I didn’t think you’d ask me something so obvious.”
Yoo Seonjae’s eyes were resolute.
*
In the car on the way home, neither of us spoke. It was because Yoo Seonjae had his own complicated feelings, and I had mine. He was probably unsettled by the fact that he’d confessed his story, and I was unsettled by the fact that I couldn’t confess mine.
The rain that had been pouring down torrentially stopped as if it had never happened, and the car slid along the thoroughly wet road.
By the time we arrived home, night had already deepened.
Inside the house was silent. Just like our hearts. As I entered the house that had settled quietly like our hearts that could only keep our mouths shut, unable to do this or that, I quietly hugged his waist from behind Yoo Seonjae.
I felt sorry for Yoo Seonjae.
I felt sorry for him who had lived carrying so many burdens because of me, and not knowing what to do, I could only hold him like that.
“I’m sorry, Seonjae.”
“…Yeoul.”
“I’m sorry, Seonjae. I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry for not knowing anything.”
I didn’t want to cry but tears kept coming. As his back got wet, Yoo Seonjae released the arms around my waist and turned around. Yoo Seonjae, who lowered his head to face me, stroked my tear-soaked face with his large hands.
“Why are you crying, you fool?”
“I-“
Before I could even finish answering, Yoo Seonjae bit down on my lips. As if no words were needed.
Warm lips enveloped my lips. That warmth was just like Yoo Seonjae. My one and only alpha who knew everything and still embraced me, comforted me, and protected me.
I reached out my arms and pulled him close.
My lips opened and hot tongues intertwined. The tongue that had conveyed words of hurt was soon embracing each other and soothing the pain. We were each other’s everything. As always, Yoo Seonjae knew me best, and I should have known Yoo Seonjae best, but now I wasn’t confident of that.
The stories I heard today seemed to mean that I actually didn’t know much about Yoo Seonjae, so I lost confidence.
“…Why?”
As I pulled my tongue back and withdrew my lips, Yoo Seonjae asked with labored breath. I couldn’t answer him and just bowed my head and bit my lips tightly.
“Yeoul, look at me.”
Yoo Seonjae leaned his head in and said to me. Still, I couldn’t look at him straight.
I was sorry. For not knowing anything, for making him handle everything alone. For whining to be knotted on top of that, for carelessly getting pregnant.
“Han Yeoul.”
“…”
“Honey.”
When there was no answer no matter how much he called, Yoo Seonjae released his pheromones thickly.
“Heu!”
Inevitably making a moaning sound and swaying my body as I raised my head, Yoo Seonjae kissed me again. It was a much deeper and richer kiss than before. Thick pheromones groped every corner of my body. Yoo Seonjae swallowed all the moaning sounds leaking between my lips.
“Haah, haah…”
When our lips finally separated, Yoo Seonjae looked down at me with a flushed face.
“I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty, Yeoul.”
“…”
“You wanted to know. My story.”
Right. I wanted to know. Without knowing my place. I thought I was ready. And that I deserved to hear it. If I’d known it would be that kind of story, I probably would have asked you to tell me after preparing my heart a bit more, when I could be a bit less sorry to you.
When I could be a bit less shameless.
“Just… think of it as something that happened, that’s all.”
“…”
“Okay? Honey. It’s nothing.”
Yoo Seonjae looked at me and smiled brightly, folding those beautiful eyes. Looking at his face like that, it felt like stabbing my heart with a needle.
“How is that nothing?”
“Yeoul…”
“You were hurt.”
“…”
Yoo Seonjae smiled while stroking my crying hair.
“It doesn’t matter at all if I hurt, Yeoul. As long as you don’t hurt, I’m fine.”
