24.
Cheon Jaerim tried to get me, who was hiding at home, to go outside.
“I said it’s fine now.”
However, they say the thing that increases as you get older is ‘fear.’ I didn’t want to go outside and experience humiliation I didn’t need to receive.
“It’s already been over a month. Aren’t you bored of just taking walks in front?”
Cheon Jaerim coaxed me gently. However, my bamboo-like will wasn’t easily overturned. It’s enough to live just staying at home, so why?
“You’re not going to stay at home forever.”
In the end, I reluctantly put on clothes. Cheon Jaerim had already taken out shoes and was waiting for me. The yard was moist as if holding dew. In the flowerpots I’d been neglecting, green leaves were sprouting freshly.
“The weather’s really nice. Want to look at the sky?”
Cheon Jaerim rolled down the passenger seat window. I lowered my body in proportion to how close the window got. My nose is almost touching the window frame. Cheon Jaerim went out onto the main road and headed toward Seoul.
“Where are we going? We’re not going somewhere with lots of people, are we?”
“Are people going to eat you or something?”
“That’s not it, but……”
My premonition was correct.
The place Cheon Jaerim parked the car was an amusement park full of cherry blossoms. It’s the place that appears as a backdrop whenever the news ends.
“They’re almost all fallen.”
Cheon Jaerim, who finished parking along the white line, got out first. The parking lot was packed with no room to step. I could tell how many people had come out to play here. Cheon Jaerim waited for me in front of the car, then walked to the passenger seat. I just sat in the car with the engine off, arms crossed, looking straight ahead. He was so heartless, bringing me here on purpose knowing I was scared.
Knock knock.
“Get out quickly.”
Cheon Jaerim’s voice comes from outside. At the same time I grabbed the seatbelt tightly, the passenger door opened with a click. Cheon Jaerim’s patience in waiting for me had run out. The hand that crossed in front of me pressed the seatbelt button. The seatbelt was sucked in diagonally. Against the hand pulling me down, I put strength in my feet. The feet that had been stepping on the car stepped on the dirt ground, and I was dragged along in a position with my butt stuck out backward.
“I said I’m not going!”
“People are watching.”
Those words had an effect.
I returned my butt that had been sticking out like a duck to its original position and looked around. But there were no gazes toward us who had just arrived. There were no people whispering either. Everyone just passed by as if they were busy. I looked at the people absorbed in their own world. Holding long selfie sticks, they pass under a big tree. The cherry blossom petals fallen here and there had lost their original color and were dead and blackish. I was deceived. My feelings twisted, I kicked Cheon Jaerim’s shin without warning. Ah! Cheon Jaerim bent his upper body, touching the spot he was hit. This time I hit the opposite side. Perhaps having built up resistance in the meantime, he was giggling while bent over.
“Ah, sorry, sorry.”
When I looked at his smiling face, Cheon Jaerim raised both hands and apologized. Rather than my anger being relieved every time I hit him, only my stress level rose. Every time I kicked Cheon Jaerim’s leg, ocher-colored dirt stuck to the pants he came out wearing. The shoe sole pattern was clearly imprinted on the flat parts.
“Whoa, look at that.”
My foot heading toward his leg with force was paused by someone’s voice. Are they talking about me? Why did I hit Cheon Jaerim on the street? The foot that had been moving forward goes down. And I bent my knees and crouched right there. The ground where I’d landed my footprints was dented in several places, and dusty dirt flies in front of my eyes. The dust cloud blocked the finger of the person pointing at me like a protective shield. Cheon Jaerim’s knees slowly bend. Cheon Jaerim’s face entered that spot. Cheon Jaerim pulled down my hands covering my ears.
“No one’s talking about hyung.”
“You’re lying. That person was definitely talking about me……”
Before I could finish speaking, Cheon Jaerim turned his head toward that person. I was scared that Cheon Jaerim might harm that person. However, the scene I saw with my eyes narrowed was unexpected. The man who seemed to be the owner of the voice was flirting with his girlfriend and pointing at the sky. Someone like me wasn’t even on his mind. The object he said ‘look at that’ to was the blue sky. Among them, he was pointing out a specific corner, and when I raised my head following it, white clouds were floating around. To that couple, the shape of the clouds seemed important.
“The cloud is heart-shaped.”
The man’s voice came through clearly again. I repeated the man’s words like a parrot. It’s heart-shaped…….
Cheon Jaerim also raised his head and looked at the sky. A heart-shaped cloud ripples and moves across the blue sky. Cheon Jaerim and I maintained that posture until the cloud moved to the opposite side. With the cloud that moved enough to turn my neck as the last one, Cheon Jaerim stood up first. And he waited silently until I dusted myself off and got up. Looking at Cheon Jaerim’s dirt-covered knees, I thought. I can’t keep squatting here forever. As I stood up, I reached my hand toward Cheon Jaerim’s pants. It was a mess as if he’d crawled on the ground. But Cheon Jaerim’s knee was quick. Instead of a knee, fingers entered my awkward hand.
We walked a few steps with our fingers intertwined as a medium. Cheon Jaerim holding my hand doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting go. I wriggled my palm starting to sweat a few times and gently pulled it out. Cheon Jaerim didn’t grab me again as I escaped. Sweat formed on my palm as if I had hyperhidrosis. It’s a signal from my body that I’m very tense. Cheon Jaerim starts walking again. I lowered my head and followed his heels.
The oddly-shaped cloud is nowhere to be seen. If I lowered my eyes just a little, large cherry blossom trees filled both sides. I don’t understand the fact that so many people gather just to see trees with blooming flowers. The wide path was so far that I couldn’t tell where it led. However, many people looked like they would walk with happy expressions even if the end of this path was the end of the world. Among them, only I had a disgusted expression. Cheon Jaerim didn’t scold me for walking slowly. He only occasionally turned his head to check if I was following well.
As I followed while keeping distance, many things squeezed between him and me. I quickened my pace so as not to lose him, but in the end, I lost him. Walking almost at a run, I looked for the ankle bone extending straight above the sneakers. Eventually, I searched for the navy cardigan he came out wearing. But no matter how much I looked, I couldn’t see it. My lips start to dry. While walking busily looking to the right, I bumped my forehead into someone’s back.
“What do you want to drink?”
It was Cheon Jaerim’s back.
“Where were you!”
“I was next to hyung the whole time.”
Every time Cheon Jaerim speaks from above my head, the flower scent wafts down. I felt like I was going to sneeze. With the feeling of my nose tip being ticklish, I looked up at Cheon Jaerim. When I didn’t say anything, he seemed to take it as affirmation. He took me to a wooden bench in the corner. There was a young woman holding a baby, and she was on the phone with someone. Looking at the large diaper bag next to her, it didn’t seem like she came alone.
“Let’s go together!”
I hurriedly grabbed the sleeve of Cheon Jaerim who was about to leave.
“Just sit for 1 minute. I’ll buy it from over there.”
Cheon Jaerim pointed to a food truck located nearby.
“It looks like it’ll take a while……”
I muttered quietly enough that only I could hear. Every time we passed the few food trucks, people were lined up long in front of them. That place would be no exception.
“I’ll be right back.”
Cheon Jaerim left only these words and disappeared into the countless crowds. From then on, I bit my nails with a crunching sound. To see the back of Cheon Jaerim’s head that disappeared in an instant, I stretched my neck like a meerkat. However, all I could see in my field of vision were enormously large cotton candies. Cotton candies bigger than people’s heads were being torn off cruelly. I got up from my seat and looked around. However, I can’t even see the top of Cheon Jaerim’s head. The food truck that looked close when I saw it with him was quite far away. In front of it was a sea of people. I sat back down and bit my nails. The flesh of my thumb is about to pop out like a frog’s eyeball.
That’s when it happened.
Something touches my shoulder with a squeeze. It’s an apricot-colored sausage about 3 centimeters at most. What’s this? I raised my head straight toward the plump finger that suddenly appeared. The owner of the plump finger was in their mother’s arms, staring intently at me. The baby’s mother was busy talking on the phone, the content being that she was explaining the location where she was sitting. So she didn’t know that her lovely baby had approached a strange man.
The large, black pupils were directed at the thumb nail I was sucking on. I felt like I would fall into those lake-like eyes with a splash. I gauged the age difference between this baby and me in my head. An adult sucking fingers in front of a much younger baby is not a good sight.
I lowered the hand I was biting and lightly held the mini sausage with the opposite hand that didn’t have saliva on it. It’s squishy. A tingling pain like when your chest hurts when you see something too cute came up. The anxiety that had amplified since Cheon Jaerim went to buy drinks was somewhat eased. I feel the plump finger that entered my palm wriggling. I wanted to bite it gently without hurting it, showing my teeth.
However, the comfort that had stepped into my heart was also temporary. A person who appeared to be the father ran toward the bench. The woman hung up the phone and stood up. The finger as soft as castella cake slips out. The woman handed the baby to the man. The baby’s face floats up and down in the father’s arms. We exchanged a silent farewell.
I quickly became alone again and bit my nails again. It feels like the hand that touched the baby’s finger will smell like milk. I clenched my fist tightly as if that smell would fly away.
Why isn’t he coming? Suddenly I thought of Goryeojang, abandoning old parents on a mountain. That can’t be. He wouldn’t irresponsibly abandon me after bringing me to such a pretty place. However, I remembered a friend’s story about how their mother took them to an amusement park and then abandoned them. It was a sufficiently credible story. Why did that mom take them to a nice place of all places and not come back? Didn’t she know that was more cruel? Keuheung. I sniffled my nose that had been stinging since earlier. Tears are about to fall or not, starting up.
I can’t just wait. I have to step up myself. Thinking this far, I got up from my seat. Motivation welled up as if I could find Cheon Jaerim right away. When I took one step, wind blew from all directions. With that momentum, the thin petals that had been hanging precariously fell with a rustle. It’s a flower shower. People reached their hands above their heads to catch the scattering petals. Among them, my eyes met with Cheon Jaerim standing upright. As if he just received it, he’s holding a drink. The hypotheses I’d been imagining melt away like melting snow.
“Did you wait long?”
“……”
On the brown cup holder, it says ‘blueberry’ in English. Water droplets were beaded on the transparent cup. I rubbed the moisture on my hands on my pants. When I took a sip, the drink that was more lukewarm than expected spread sweetly. Let’s walk a little more and go home. Cheon Jaerim turns his back and goes ahead. I followed while chewing on the straw. His back gets closer, then farther away repeatedly. The petals that poured down in one sweep roll this way and that way.
“Do you want to go see the ocean before it gets hot?”
Cheon Jaerim, who was by my side at some point, suggested. Did my steps get faster? Did Cheon Jaerim’s steps get slower? We were walking side by side. On the spring road near its end.
“Ocean……”
“To a place where just looking at it feels like your eyes will be blinded.”
Does such a place really exist? I kicked away the innocent cherry blossom petal caught on the toe of my sneakers. If you look at this place from a very high place, we’ll look like a point as small as a speck of dust. And you’ll be able to see where the end of the path we’re heading is.
I was standing in the middle of a playground. It was June noon with a scorching hot sun. The reason I could know the date in detail was because colorful numbers were hanging like a calendar at the top of the auditorium. I was flustered by the fairy tale-like yet strangely realistic scene. Moreover, I was wearing the uniform of the school I attended. The hot midday playground made my shadow stubby. I was giggling looking at myself like a 2-head-tall character, when a short pencil appeared next to me. That shadow was a little longer than mine…….
“Cheon Jaerim?”
