Shake, shake, shake, my legs trembled again. Squeak, squeak, squeak, the chair started making sounds again. And I burst out the words I’d been holding back. The voice that barely came out as if squeezed was very thin and a hoarse voice mixed with lots of air. If there were an emotion detector like a lie detector, you could know from objective indicators how much I wanted to escape this moment, how terrified I was.
“…I, I still want to stay in the hospital longer.”
“……”
“……”
The two people stared at me blankly. It seems even Cheon Jaerim didn’t expect me to say such a thing. The doctor thought for a moment, then opened his mouth. From his expression during that moment of thought, I could predict that no one in this room would hand me the flag of victory.
“Sunjo-ssi, you know what you always used to say to me. What was it?”
“……”
“The hospital and medicine aren’t a cure-all. You can think of medicine as playing a supplementary role. For Sunjo-ssi, discharge might be the better method.”
“No. I like the hospital. Doctor…”
“Guardian, regarding how severe Sunjo-ssi’s depression is…”
The doctor ignored my words and turned the large monitor screen he was looking at toward Cheon Jaerim. I see the bar graph I’d wanted. Cheon Jaerim stared intently at the monitor screen. The doctor began defining the bar graph to Cheon Jaerim without pause, saying this is this and that is that. Those are signals coming from my body, yet he was explaining them to an unrelated person. Moreover, I couldn’t hear anything in my ears. It felt like messy geometric shapes that you’d only see in cartoons were spouting from the doctor’s mouth.
The doctor was thoroughly ignoring me. Why are you ignoring me? These words remained in my uncontrolled body. The orderly words I wanted to question scattered in all directions. I couldn’t synthesize them. Something strange was happening in my body. Taking advantage of my confusion, Cheon Jaerim was carefully looking at the light green bar graph colored up to the normal range and the red bar that went slightly above it.
“We’re an institution that receives patients. It’s also the right thing to do conscientiously to receive patients more severe than Sunjo-ssi. No matter how much Sunjo-ssi says he’ll proceed with voluntary admission…”
The doctor said in a firm voice.
“In various ways, it will be a loss for Sunjo-ssi. I’ll prescribe the medicine you’ve been taking, so continue taking it as you have been and gradually reduce it. If there are any problems, anytime…”
“……”
“I’ll also ask for the guardian’s special care.”
I couldn’t say anything in front of an expert who was explaining with medical logic. As a mere patient who came in (and to a psychiatric hospital at that), I had no data to refute with. I see the admission application I’d written before entering on the desk. Below it, black letters read, “Discharge is possible at any time the patient wishes.” However, when Cheon Jaerim appeared as my guardian, that clause lost its effectiveness.
The sun, red like a sunset, began to burn the morning.
The clothes I wore when I came in were too thick for the current weather. Cheon Jaerim held out a shopping bag. It was a shirt with a soft texture.
“At least change your undershirt.”
I took off the thick turtleneck and put on the shirt. The changed shirt hit my body with a flutter every time I moved, then fell again. The tires rotated smoothly, leaving the place where I’d put down roots. I see the hospital receding in the side mirror. When the hospital became as small as the half-moon of a fingernail, something I’d forgotten came to mind. The bag of prescribed medicine was placed in the center. To take in the morning…
“What are you doing?”
“I have to take it in the morning.”
“Three times a day?”
“Yeah.”
“Take it after eating.”
When passing through the bumpy paved road, I felt carsick for a moment. Even riding an express bus for three hours on an empty stomach, I’d never gotten carsick…
I rubbed my solar plexus in circles and opened the window.
The place where I got out of the car looked like an unknown place. Just from the exterior, you couldn’t gauge what this place was for. The building located where many people gathered wasn’t hanging a sign alone. But this pure white and somewhat plain-looking building had an intimidating atmosphere. What I could tell was that whatever this place was for, it wouldn’t suit me.
As soon as I entered the entrance, I heard classical music. It’s a song I’d heard often as a call waiting tone. A neatly suited employee guided us to our seats. The interior was more splendid than I’d imagined. The inner windows that weren’t visible from outside had the shape of a tall, towering mountain, and the glass sparkled with stained glass like the European cathedrals in documentaries. The colorful stained glass seemed like it would let brilliant multicolored light into the interior when it got dark. Except for the employees inside and the tables with tableware placed on them, it felt like a small cathedral.
Until the food came out, I copied exactly what Cheon Jaerim did. The straight fingers lifting the water glass caught my eye. Then I remembered those fingers had gripped and shaken my genitals a few hours ago. As if I’d recalled something I shouldn’t have seen, I lowered my eyes.
“Truffle and caviar.”
The deep voice melted beautifully with the classical music echoing inside. Every time food came out, the employee would place it in front with a brief explanation, and they were all unfamiliar things. The employee began pouring a thick liquid the color of strawberry milk into the plate just placed in front of me. When such ambiguous food came out, I would fluster around before copying Cheon Jaerim as is. Finding myself cutting a one-bite portion into 1-centimeter pieces to eat, I let out a hollow laugh at the absurdity. It would be much more filling to eat ramen with an egg added until it’s bloated and burst.
“You’re not angry that I discharged you arbitrarily, are you?”
“……”
Cheon Jaerim spoke for the first time since arriving here. Without looking at me, he was butchering the food in front of him with a knife. It seemed like he’d keep cutting that food until he heard my answer. Wasn’t it him who twisted the doctor to get me out again?
“Hyung isn’t a mental patient, right?”
Cheon Jaerim stopped his moving hand and looked at me. An intense shock struck me and passed. When the bastard didn’t hear the answer he wanted, he asked again in an anxious voice.
“You’re not, right?”
“……”
Did Cheon Jaerim find it hard to believe that I was among the patients? Is that why he pulled me out of there? Because it bothered him that I, who was wronged because of him, was hiding? I could only think that way. Cheon Jaerim had a pitiful expression. If someone who didn’t know what happened to us passed by this table, they might think Cheon Jaerim was asking me for forgiveness.
Will anything change?
Did he reflect?
The words I’d meant to only think inside came out of my mouth.
“Reflect?”
“Huh?”
“Ah…”
“……”
“I reflected, of course. You heard the doctor call me the guardian earlier, right? I’ll help until hyung gets better.”
“…What can you help with?”
“Do you have anywhere to go right now?”
“……”
“You’ve been gone from home for over two months, disappeared as if missing—do you think everything will be in place?”
“……”
“I’m the only one who waited for hyung.”
“……”
“You have no home, nothing at all.”
Ridiculously, there were no words to counter, and the meal resumed.
As soon as I sat in the car, I looked for medicine. Cheon Jaerim held out a lukewarm water bottle. I tore the sealed paper and pushed it into my throat all at once.
“Since we’re out, shall we watch a movie?”
“……”
We moved to a nearby movie theater. The dark underground parking lot was full of the nasty smell of oil. When the elevator we took from the basement stopped several times on the ground and finally arrived at the movie theater, the elevator was packed. As soon as the elevator door opened, the smell of popcorn wafted strongly. As soon as I smelled it, saliva pooled in my mouth. What I ate earlier seems to have been digested on the way. Cheon Jaerim found what he’d reserved on his phone, then looked at me staring as if distracted. Cheon Jaerim looked at me and the menu board several times, then pointed at a hot dog picture saying, ‘That one?’
Cheon Jaerim took his place at the back of a long line. I, who had been looking at the menu board, followed behind when the shadow next to me went forward. Everything was a curious sight. In the past, I didn’t have time to come to a place called a movie theater to watch movies, and spending 10,000 won to watch a movie was a luxury for me. Especially, I couldn’t understand buying concession food that supposedly had severely low unit prices. But now, standing behind people to eat a chili hot dog topped full of jalapeños, I myself here, the voices of people reaching my ears, and Cheon Jaerim standing in front were all very unfamiliar.
The hot dog disappeared quickly. Having eaten only bland things at the hospital, I kept craving stimulating tastes. When I became empty-handed again before even entering the theater, Cheon Jaerim, who was watching, went to the empty counter and came back with something filling a paper box. In the wide paper box were the largest size caramel popcorn, a hot dog with melted cheese, small cheese balls and nachos, and two colas. When about 5 minutes remained until entry time, Cheon Jaerim sucked on the straw and said:
“Was that place earlier not good?”
“……”
“I went there on purpose.”
While pouring yellow cheese sauce into the sauce container in the nacho container, I felt unnecessarily gloomy. To my ears, it sounded like, “Well, how could cheap trash like you have a palate for such high-class food?” I don’t know what intention Cheon Jaerim had, but after hearing those words in my way, my tongue that had been reaching out for salty things cooled down.
“……”
“Why aren’t you eating? Should I squeeze it for you?”
Cheon Jaerim snatched away the yellow cheese sauce I’d half-opened. The yellow sauce oozed out appetizingly. I heard an employee’s voice saying that entry for our movie was starting.
The movie was one of hitting, destroying, and fighting. There was no opportunity to sleep or get distracted. When the atmosphere was about to get boring, a building would collapse, and when romance was about to develop between the male and female leads, a villain would appear. But what I couldn’t focus on more than the movie was the feeling this place gave. Just a few hours ago, I was in a quiet place without any noise. But this place was very bustling and chaotic, like a place where knowledge and civilization had developed. Because of the two spaces showing such a stark difference, I felt one corner of my heart becoming extremely unsettled.
As if Cheon Jaerim planned to finish everything today, after coming out of the movie theater, he took me to a dessert café. It was definitely domestication. Cheon Jaerim ordered while pointing at the menu to the employee. After a few minutes, an americano full of ice and various desserts came out one after another. It was a set of 12 macarons and three flavors of cake slices. Making a mockery of the snacks I’d been eating at the movie theater until an hour ago, the sugar lumps all went into my stomach.
The day was coming to an end.
“Are you full?”
“Yeah.”
The car carrying Cheon Jaerim and me left Seoul. It was a neighborhood lined with cozy country houses. The houses were separated from each other, and judging by the high walls, personal privacy seemed strict.
“Once we go in there, it’s a fresh start.”
I don’t understand. What fresh start? But I nodded as if I understood. Having walked around a lot after a long time, I was very tired. Though it was puzzling what Cheon Jaerim’s changed attitude meant, that was something to think about later.
“Then shall we have sex as a final commemoration?”
Cheon Jaerim brought out gruesome-sounding words and made me meet his eyes.
“You only look at me when I do this. Hyung, you didn’t even look at me all day today.”
I was joking. It was when Cheon Jaerim said it was a joke and laughed lightly. Like a final struggle, intense sunlight before setting pierced through the car window. A single beam of sunlight that crossed between Cheon Jaerim and me like prison bars made me squint. When I closed my eyes to avoid the dazzling sun and opened them, light like a meteor cruelly drew across Cheon Jaerim’s face, showing off its golden color. Seeing Cheon Jaerim with half his face disappeared as if burning in the sunlight, I felt somehow familiar. As I kept looking at the half-faced Cheon Jaerim to find that feeling, before long the length of the sun that had been shining like gold gradually shortened and began returning to its home. Then, the face of the cruel egg ghost that had made me restless all along and made me dig into endless self-blame was clearly revealed.
