12.
The area under my eyes is dark. It’s a face in stark contrast to the one from just moments ago, flushed red like a red apple. When I clenched my fist holding the underwear, water trickled out. Water still gushed from the sink, and bubbles splattered here and there. I pressed the stopper again and rinsed the underwear. Even so, my anger wasn’t appeased, so I squeezed out shampoo again. I scrubbed vigorously at the foam that had risen so much the original form was no longer visible. I kept rubbing endlessly until the fishy smell disappeared. It felt like my fingerprints would wear away. I wanted to become an idiot if it meant I could pour bleach all over my body and reclaim a new life.
I learned for the first time that you could be admitted to a psychiatric hospital by free will alone. Time was fair, and when I closed my eyes and opened them, two months had already passed. When I opened my eyes it was morning, when I ate it was lunch, and when I spaced out it became night.
The reason I stiffened when the doctor said quite bluntly, “The hospital is not a guesthouse,” was because he’d hit the nail on the head. I understand how futile it must look even to others that I’m wasting time here. That’s the point I myself am most aware of.
However, even after I came to the hospital of my own accord, for a while I was terrified of the act of going outside. There were more than a couple of times I nearly had a fit at the sound of a nurse’s knock. I’m okay now, but in the beginning, I’d hide my body under the blanket, thinking it might be Cheon Jaerim coming to drag me by the collar again.
The time I expected Cheon Jaerim to come looking for me—no more, no less—I thought would occur during a period of one week. But the woman was keeping the promise she had made. When more than a week of wariness passed, then several more weeks, and I acknowledged that there was no sign of anyone looking for me anywhere, I came to stay in room 401 like a tree putting down roots in a sunny place. Though this choice was extremely impulsive and made in an outburst of emotion, I have no intention of arguing whether it was a wrong choice. I wasn’t a youth with a future. I was just a person for whom tomorrow was urgent, for whom the future was urgent.
Cheon Jaerim treated me like his nutcracker doll. He wanted to crack nuts whenever he desired. Held by him, cracking nuts, it was only a matter of time before I’d break. The only way to prevent this was for me to run away. Though it may have been a hasty judgment, I came to this place determined not to regret it.
However, there were times when I suddenly wondered, ‘Isn’t this place eating away at me?’ Like dark clouds gathering, I’d become filled with thoughts of only one thing, preventing me from grasping the actual reality of the problem. Though anxious feelings and miscellaneous thoughts seemed to disappear, I felt uneasy, like I’d left behind one important item.
Then, about once every five times, a day like today would come. When the black clouds lifted and the hidden unease surfaced. Ironically, “me” in this state gave the feeling of being “the old me.” My thoughts became clear in a different direction. “The old me” viewing the notebook that “me until yesterday” had scribbled in gave a very strange impression. Just looking at the handwriting made my head messy. Then I corrected again the black writing I’d scribbled down as I wanted to believe.
What I had so desperately wanted to smash was an empty shell. Thinking back to that time, there’s no madman like me. When I came to my senses, my legs, hands, and fingertips were bleeding with scrapes, and Cheon Jaerim was roughly giving first aid and frantically searching for his car keys.
‘Ah, the keys… keys, keys.’
‘Hey, doesn’t she need stitches for all those?’
‘Did you see my car keys?’
‘You threw them over there earlier.’
I remember the glass shards that shattered with a crash. I remember the toys filled with small parts, let alone a hidden camera. The emptiness when I realized what I’d been chasing was a formless phantom. It was just as Cheon Jaerim had said. The reason I had practically waited at his feet from the beginning. The camera didn’t exist. If I had known that fact, could I have escaped earlier?
I felt like the world was collapsing. My insides were a rotten, crumbling wasteland. I pruned the rotten branches, and the place I walked to was once again Cheon Jaerim’s house. It took three days until that time. I didn’t go to school. Missing just three days wouldn’t cause any big trouble, and the question of whether I’d graduate from school or not was no longer an important point in my life. Those 72 hours felt like three years to me. One day felt like a year. The time of anguish carved deep grooves in time.
I prayed that woman would still be there. I planned to reveal Cheon Jaerim’s crimes in detail and, if I couldn’t achieve what I wanted, to appeal emotionally. Fortunately for me, the woman was at home. The woman showed a momentarily surprised expression at my visit, then put down the handbag she was holding. The woman I faced up close looked very much like Cheon Jaerim. Having to tell the truth in front of someone with a similar face made me nervous in its own way.
‘I’m sorry about the other day.’
‘Is coming here a secret?’
The lips with coral-colored lipstick neatly applied drew a smooth arc.
‘How interesting.’
‘I have a favor to ask…’
‘Your face is full of wounds—how can I refuse when you speak with a face like that?’
‘……’
‘Tell me.’
‘Please hide me.’
‘Hide you?’
I said the words I’d practiced dozens of times in front of the mirror without missing a single syllable.
‘……’
‘I’m begging you.’
The woman said nothing. Her expression was unreadable. While I hesitated, I worried she might show signs of refusal.
‘You saw last time. You even said I’d lost my mind…’
Looking around, my eyes met with an ajumma who was glancing at me furtively.
‘Ajumma!’
I sprang up and grabbed the ajumma’s hand.
The ajumma’s eyes widened.
‘Ajumma, please be a witness! Something happened to my head, you saw it then! When I was smashing things there!’
‘Sir…’
The ajumma looked at the woman who was her madam with a troubled face.
‘That’s enough.’
‘What Cheon Jaerim did to me…!’
‘I said I understood, didn’t I?’
Soon silence flowed, and the woman muttered quietly. The soliloquy-level murmur lodged precisely in my ears. Even I can see that kid’s a bit strange. This is serious…
Actually, the person who should go to the hospital is your son. If your mind was screwed on properly, you’d put your son in the hospital, not me.
‘……’
‘Can you give me your number?’
A few days later, a text came from the woman with a simple link. When I clicked the link, a homepage with a pale pastel-toned background immediately appeared. Only after carefully searching through the categories in English did I send a reply. The woman said not to worry about financial issues and that she would cover the costs. She also mentioned compensation for psychological damage. However, I declined that proposal from my side. If I received compensation for damages converted into money, it felt like all those events would be justified.
The woman sent a car so brazenly at 12 noon. It was the time Cheon Jaerim had gone to school. If it were to happen, I’d thought it would be at dawn or a late night past midnight. Through the slowly descending window, the woman smiled brightly and greeted me. The woman’s behavior, as if simply seeing her son’s friend, even made me wonder if this wasn’t an “escape” but rather an “outing.”
The entire way there, I prayed.
That the end of this outing would burn into brilliant fireworks.
