8.
“Did you tell him?”
“……”
After a week, I had an opportunity to talk with Soyeon. Every time I tried to have even a simple conversation, Soyeon disappeared like a shot. During the liberal arts class we took together, she either came in late or left the lecture hall before I could even call her. The kid who used to sit in the front seats now sat in the corner of the back seats, and I couldn’t see even a strand of her hair in the department room where she used to stamp her face.
We moved to a cafe on campus. I ordered an Americano and brought the vibrating pager. As if we’d agreed on it, we didn’t have any conversation until the vibrating pager rang. Buzz buzz buzz—the vibrating pager spun around on the table. Before I could even stand up, Soyeon jumped up. In Soyeon’s hand when she returned from the counter was a takeout cup with a black straw stuck in it.
“I’m sorry……”
She opened her mouth while squeezing the innocent cup holder. Soyeon knew. The reason I wanted to have a conversation with her. As expected, she seemed to have a guilty conscience. I wondered how to ask so that Soyeon wouldn’t think my relationship with Cheon Jaerim was strange. My main curiosity was simply why she’d handed my leave of absence application to another person without the owner’s permission. I had no intention of interrogating Soyeon about the whole story of what happened over those two days. Even if I’d planned more skillfully, if it was Cheon Jaerim, he would have found me at all costs.
Soyeon didn’t try to make eye contact with me.
“Last time when I was talking with oppa in the department room… the day Jaerim oppa came into our department room. That night, Jaei oppa invited me to a chat room.”
“Jaei? No, wait… you two know each other?”
“I heard they became close while taking a class together. But he said Jaerim oppa asked him to give him my number……”
“……”
“I was happy that Jaerim oppa asked for my contact……”
“Can I ask why you didn’t keep the promise you made with me?”
“……”
“Soyeon, I’m really tired today.”
“The next day, Jaerim oppa called me to eat together.”
The next day would be the day after we had relations at the studio apartment.
The image of Cheon Jaerim touching his phone from morning flashed by.
“But what was a bit strange was that I thought he called me because he was interested in me……”
“……”
“Until we parted, he only talked about oppa. Then by mistake… the leave of absence came up.”
“……”
“I’m sorry. Jaerim oppa was really worried about oppa. I thought he should know, so I did it.”
I was firmly determined not to let an innocent arrow point at Soyeon. I had no intention of blaming Soyeon, but still I couldn’t erase the thought ‘if only she hadn’t been there……’
“Class is starting. Thanks for telling me.”
Soyeon carefully stood up with her bag. An artificial peach scent lingered where Soyeon had left. I sat there until the faint perfume smell disappeared. Blaming others is utterly useless. It’s my fault. Just as Cheon Jaerim said, I was a kid who went around spilling weaknesses behind me. People began to crowd into the cafe. As I stood up from my seat, I bent my hand to grab the cup. As soon as I curled the back of my hand, a distant pain rushed in.
It’s a hand wrapped tightly in bandages.
***
We went around with bandages for a while. Cheon Jaerim regarded this trace as something like our own friendship ring. When I scooped white rice in a round shape with my left hand, brown fish cake was placed on top. For me who was clumsy with chopsticks, Cheon Jaerim placed a line of the stir-fried fish cake that came with the cafeteria food.
I wish it never healed for life. After making it so I couldn’t even do simple things, he spouted such words so easily. Even now, when I bend my fingers, the whole thing aches. I hoped the wound would heal as soon as possible from the unwanted consideration. I refrained from getting water on the wound and from all actions that caused friction or pressure on the skin. After twin-like scars formed on our palms, Cheon Jaerim frequently held my hand and his overlapping. When the hand that couldn’t even be held because of the bandage was forcibly held, I made a face without being noticed.
Only later could I understand the meaning of what Cheon Jaerim had done to me. It’s a kind of ‘communion.’ You do communion like this? The words I wanted to argue remained as they were. What was fortunate was that Cheon Jaerim didn’t drag me to the house where he’d raped me. I’m still sticking to the dingy corner of my house.
I heard that the main force in creating a strong recognition in one’s mind is images. Images are copied intact and played again. It’s the same for anyone. The image that strongly pierced my mind had no rough edges visually, audibly, olfactorily, or mentally.
The bright red blood splattering in all directions, the sound of skin splitting left and right, the fishy scent of blood, and the figure of someone standing above it all. The last thing I captured in my eyes was a dark red tongue, and when I came to my senses, I saw a familiar scene. It was the house where I’d tutored Cheon Jaerim. There was a clean, high ceiling and sliding doors. Through the window, I could see hazy movement. Judging by the small physique, I instinctively felt it was the ajumma. The moment I raised my body, the door opened. The ajumma came in holding a small tray.
‘You’re awake? You’re still sweating a lot. First eat this and take your medicine.’
The ajumma didn’t say a word seeing me who’d returned as a man. My insides burned at her natural reaction as if she knew all the circumstances. When my inner feelings showed outwardly, the ajumma asked in an awkward voice.
‘Are you uncomfortable anywhere?’
‘No!’
However, the ajumma’s intuition forged by years wasn’t something I could hide just by trying to hide it.
‘I heard everything. That you did it because you needed money urgently……’
‘Yes?’
He must have given her a heads up. The ajumma placed the tray on my knees as I asked back. I took hold of the tray that came onto my knees. Eat quickly and gain strength. My goodness, how much weight have you lost since last time? The hand patting my shoulders felt warm. I felt warm warmth from my shoulder blades.
When the door closed, tears burst out. Wondering if she might hear this sound, I shoved the porridge that had cooled to an edible temperature into my mouth. However, the amount didn’t decrease proportionally to what I ate. Because as much went in my mouth, as much fell down below. Because the amount of tears I shed formed the Han River, the porridge filled up and filled up again until later it swelled up.
It would take another half day for the terrible day to completely pass. The time I was unconscious wasn’t a day, or two days, but only half a day. I wish I’d at least passed out after waking up like in dramas, but reality was different. As time passed, it became clearer and more vivid. I lay still until Cheon Jaerim came home. This place was still the same as if only I had changed. It was soft, spacious, and evoked unpleasant memories. The medicine seemed to be kicking in gradually. Drowsiness came over me, but I couldn’t easily fall asleep because of the headache remaining like an aftershock.
‘You’re awake?’
What woke me from going back and forth in front of the boundary of sleep was a calm voice like reciting poetry. Cheon Jaerim was leaning against the half-open sliding door. He approached me lying obliquely on the thick pillow. The guy coming while scratching his nose also had bandages wrapped around his hand. Contrary to my concerns, it seemed the flesh had attached with simple treatment. Here or there, only memories that hurt me.
‘You’re not going to talk to me?’
‘…Is your anger gone?’
The appearance from half a day ago when he’d acted like a ruffian was nowhere to be found. His tone was gentle.
‘Anger?’
‘……”
‘Ah.’
Cheon Jaerim chewed on the meaning of the anger that came from my mouth. Cheon Jaerim, who closed his mouth for one second, nodded as if understanding what I was asking.
‘That day… you did what I wanted.’
‘That day?’
‘You don’t seem to remember.’
‘…I remember.’
‘You said what you did that morning wasn’t sincere either, so I’ll believe you. When you’re angry, you can’t help but do things.’
Then…….
I looked at the wound on my hand.
‘If you wanted a house, you should have said so. In front of me you just act coy saying you don’t want it.’
‘It’s not acting coy.’
‘Anyway.’
‘How did you know?’
‘I saw your account last time. I knew what you were obviously spending on, but the money suddenly decreased.’
‘Not that… how I was there……’
‘Curious?’
Cheon Jaerim sat next to me. The bed tilted to the side. He stretched his arms on both sides of my legs. Even though Cheon Jaerim’s hands didn’t touch my body, I couldn’t move my legs placed in the middle. Cheon Jaerim continued speaking while gently massaging the legs buried in the blanket. Pretending to be smart while leaking things behind you is hyung’s specialty. When I searched your laptop, it all came out. You shouldn’t have saved it in favorites but should have entered it here. Tap, tap—light touches continued twice above my forehead. When I said hyung’s name, that ajusshi talked smoothly.
‘I was upset with hyung only for a very brief moment. And I thought about it. Ah… is this hyung acting cute asking for attention?’
‘……”
‘Still, trying something like this too.’
Cheon Jaerim looked alternately at his hand and my hand.
‘I really wanted to try this.’
His gaze persistently followed my hand wrapped in bandages. Even though it was simply feeling another person’s gaze, my palm burned as if splitting open again. Cheon Jaerim’s hand covered mine. I could feel the rough bandage against the back of my fingers.
‘Did you think I did this because I was angry?’
‘……”
Cheon Jaerim hadn’t butchered my hand and his own because he was angry. It was simple interest and curiosity. He wanted to try it…… I was afraid of Cheon Jaerim who thoroughly drove me according to what he wanted to do. It felt like falling into the deep sea, not knowing how far I’d have to go to see the end.
A shadow cast over my face frozen blue. Cheon Jaerim approached, bending his upper body. A wet tongue entered my mouth lacking moisture. The stuffy inside of my mouth became entangled making sounds full of moisture. Uum, mm… When the large, long tongue charged as if to dig all the way to my throat, the muscle under my tongue ached. When I lowered my eyes, I could see Cheon Jaerim’s cheek becoming hollow every time it moved. When the cheek pushed out flesh and returned to its original state, the tongue moved away with a ‘chup’ sound. I could see the tongue being pulled out as if coming to meet it. It’s a crazy sight. I quickly put it back in. How stupid must I look right now? Playing along with a mere tongue looking like I couldn’t even get porridge.
‘It’s only hyung’s loss if I hurt you.’
Decide who the person in pain is.
