2.
‘I hope you live smoothly.’
The nun gifted a name to a child who’d been dropped off without any connections. I realized that the environment I’d been given was woefully insufficient for my life to proceed as my name suggested. For the children there, society beyond the walls was a different world. They had parents that we didn’t have, homes to return to after an exhausting day, and they called them ‘family.’ I vaguely noticed that the ‘family’ the nuns spoke of to us had a different meaning from the ‘family’ that referred to them.
We all had something in common. We’d been abandoned. Children like me who’d been abandoned when they couldn’t even remember easily accepted reality. But children who came midway denied it for a long time. Then reluctantly, they silently squeezed into the well where we lived. Still, I envied them. Because they at least had surnames that were no different from their own unique colors. The names of children who’d dropped from the sky like me all had the surname ‘Kim.’ It was attached that way because the director nun’s surname was ‘Kim.’ Children with surnames had at least parents or distant relatives to follow their surnames. But other children with the ‘Kim’ surname didn’t even have such expectations. Wasn’t it because they had no special feelings in the first place that they left their own child abandoned on the dirt ground?
The orphanage was no different from a well. So it made me a frog that could only see the round sky. Even when I first went to school, I had to be seized with bewilderment. Why we were taking classes gathered together with orphanage friends here too, about the reason other children glared at us.
My curiosity was resolved when I happened to pass by the faculty office. I heard the protesting voices of parents. The gist was ‘How can you make that child whose origins we don’t even know attend class in the same classroom as our child?’ I thought it fortunate that I alone had overheard that protest. If the orphanage friends had heard that, the whole place would have become a sea of tears.
Those words gave me a realization. In order to receive even a little human treatment while living in this harsh world, I needed to have something clearly worth presenting. Music? Art? Sports? They all required money. We could only follow the supported curriculum. So we could only look with envious eyes at other children who attended after-school programs like ‘Computer Usage’ or ‘Art Walks.’ Something that didn’t cost money while allowing me to stand out in others’ eyes. In the end, there was only one thing. I studied to death.
In middle school, I obtained last year’s self-study guides or workbooks that teachers had used up. Each page became tattered from going through the same workbook at least 3 times. The letters faded until you could no longer see the black color.
I also copied my partner’s workbook while receiving glares in the faculty office. I had to have an iron plate on my face. I offered the worn workbook, spread wide due to the pressure, while reading the room. But I had no choice. I felt sorry to even take money from the nuns to buy workbooks. The orphanage’s financial difficulties at that time were really to the point where holes would form in our underwear. I wanted to save money as quickly as possible and escape from the orphanage.
I gritted my teeth during regular classes, and whenever I didn’t know something, I went during every break. I repeated it over and over until I understood. Even the teachers who were annoyed at first later accepted me with a feeling of resignation.
When I seized the title of first place in the entire school among children who studied spending money on private academies and tutoring and private education expenses, goosebumps rose thrillingly on my spine. From then on, I felt attracted. This reward where results showed the more I did it was the first sense of achievement I’d felt in life. How admirable that it appeared honestly according to my effort. My treatment at school also changed. I entered the special study room where only kids playing around in the top tier of the school could study. I could avoid the noisy classroom or orphanage and study until late. The teachers’ attitudes also changed. They added ‘our’ in front of my name, Kim Sunjo. The faculty office door was always wide open.
In high school, I studied while even doing fast food part-time work. Even two bodies would be insufficient. A day was too short, and working part-time reduced study time even more. I poured all my nerves into the time I was at school. My goal was the best national university in our country. If I just got in there, I wouldn’t hear words like ‘kid who grew up eating the nation’s money’ or ‘orphan bastard’ that occasionally reached my ears at school. If I graduated and went to college, the gap between them and me would widen noticeably.
Does our nun really have insight? I thought while looking at the future that unraveled smoothly according to my efforts. If I just unraveled it well like this, I could really live ‘smoothly’ like my name.
***
[Let’s do it an hour earlier today.]
I folded the report I’d been writing the main body of. The old laptop I only used at home was the most expensive thing I owned. It was something a noona who came to volunteer sometimes had given me, saying she’d used it. The laptop, with a thickness slightly thinner than a graduation album, was too heavy to carry outside. I checked the text sent around 2 PM and got dressed. I didn’t forget to bring the wig. Because I threw it anywhere when I came home, it was tangled here and there. I combed my hair once with the red tail comb on the desk. After looking all around to see if I’d forgotten anything, I shoved my feet into the navy canvas shoes with crushed heels.
When I arrived at Cheon Jaerim’s house, the smell of freshly cooked rice wafted.
“Let’s eat dinner first.”
Cheon Jaerim seemed to have found joy in feeding me dinner since that day. I could hear the sound of a cutting board going thunk-thunk from the kitchen in the back.
“It’s better to eat while it’s warm.”
“Yeah.”
On the table where I sat again, food was already laid out. A “Wow” sound came out naturally. A spoon was neatly placed in front of me. I heard something being said from the front, but it didn’t properly enter my ears. Cheon Jaerim ladled bubbling stew into individual soup bowls with a ladle. I couldn’t hold back in the meantime and brought the braised potatoes in front to my rice bowl. Salty soy sauce broth oozed out between the potatoes that split fluffily at just the touch of chopsticks.
I’d had no choice but to be greedy about food since I was young. I ate again, practically unbuckling my belt. I began to understand why the school girls in high school would unzip their skirt zippers and chat after eating lunch. My sturdy stomach expanded like a black hole.
“Is it delicious?”
“Yeah.”
I wanted to increase the tutoring sessions to about three times a week.
When my stomach was full, drowsiness poured out first. I came into the bathroom, driving away the sleepiness. I felt a bit sticky from eating fish. The blue liquid at the sink caught my eye. I opened the lid, poured to the appropriate line, and gargled. I wiped around my mouth where the cool mint scent lingered with a towel and went to the room.
“Since we ate today too, let’s take it easy.”
“Should we?”
Cheon Jaerim seemed to have perceived my personality that became more tolerant when my stomach was full in a short time.
“How well did you study, noona?”
“I worked incredibly hard. I had no other path.”
“I see.”
“What about you?”
“I did swimming.”
“Swimming?”
Ah, so that’s why his shoulders are so broad.
“Swimming suited me best, at least.”
“……”
A bitter smile appeared on Cheon Jaerim’s face. Even a rabbit that liked bitter herbs would probably frown and spit after licking that face. From ‘did’ rather than ‘am doing,’ I noticed that swimming was no longer present progressive tense for Cheon Jaerim. I also guessed the reason why someone who seemed like he’d live in the water all day was now studying. I stayed silent. Cheon Jaerim, perhaps thinking I wasn’t asking anything out of consideration for him, looked at me once and opened his mouth.
“You’re curious, right?”
“No, well…”
“Someone threw a bowling ball at my shoulder.”
“…!”
I unconsciously covered my mouth with my hand. Cheon Jaerim’s shoulder and an iron-like bowling ball overlapped. Even my intact shoulder seemed to throb.
“For someone who does sports, their body is their asset. Isn’t that guy crazy?”
I huffed while taking Cheon Jaerim’s side.
“I went to the hospital right then and there. The bone shattered, and I was prohibited from all exercise until it healed. Honestly, even with rehabilitation, I couldn’t return to my previous speed…”
“……”
I couldn’t give any words of encouragement among the pieces of painful past. Thinking about it conversely, it was the same as my hand being cut off so I couldn’t study at a very important time. I couldn’t say anything even more because any words would feel like pretense.
“So I rested a bit and thought I should at least go to college, that’s why I’m doing tutoring.”
Cheon Jaerim, who I’d heard from my junior was famous for being notoriously bad… the more time I spent with him, the less badly behaved he seemed. To lift the downed atmosphere, I poured out words like ‘if you just fill in the skills from now on, it’ll be quick,’ ‘if you raise the speed so you can solve all the past exam questions within the time limit, then that’s the end.’
The clock turned quickly, and before I knew it, it was pointing at ten o’clock.
The gloomy face kept flickering before me. I felt sorry that at such a young age, he seemed to have learned ‘despair’ and ‘giving up’ first. I came home and turned on the laptop to finish the assignment. It took almost 5 minutes just to turn on the power. I checked the final cover page and named the file ‘final,’ and was about to press the power button but opened the internet again. In the search bar that supposedly showed personal information streaming out with just an email ID, I searched ‘swimming Cheon Jaerim.’
The long scroll became somewhat narrower. Without looking at anything else, I clicked the image category. Since it was faces wearing swimsuits and swim caps, they all looked the same, but I could find Cheon Jaerim’s face occupying the front center at a glance. Did he live abroad? But then why can’t he speak English? Cheon Jaerim with a white towel draped over his shoulder was smiling broadly. Cheon Jaerim, who looked younger than now, didn’t fall behind the physiques of Westerners despite being Asian. The gold trophy Cheon Jaerim held in his left hand reflected the pool’s lighting and water, illuminating him stylishly.
The last photo I saw before closing the window was a photo taken from above of Cheon Jaerim cutting through the water. The sound of blue waves splitting with a whoosh echoed like crashing waves.
***
“Do you like swimming, noona?”
“Huh?”
When Cheon Jaerim had private conversations with me, he called me ‘noona’ instead of teacher.
“I can’t swim.”
“Should I teach you?”
“No!”
It was a horrifying sound just to imagine. I was waiting for winter to come quickly. Because the thicker the clothes, the easier it was to dress. If we went to the pool together, getting caught would be a sure thing.
“I don’t like water. It’s scary…”
Leaving aside being scared, I was really terrible at anything that used my body.
It was when I finished my leave of absence and returned to school. Compared to the newly built design department buildings, the main building was a fairly old building. Perhaps because of that, there were many places blackened with grime in every corner. Representatively, it was the fluorescent lights in the department room. The department room’s fluorescent lights flickered frequently, and each time, emergency treatment was the duty of tall students. It was like that the first time I had to change the light too. I’d seen it being replaced just a month ago, but in no time it was causing trouble. As they say, the day you go is market day—I was the tallest person that day. I, who had been reading a book in the corner, purely noticed that this would become my duty.
‘It should be here somewhere…’
Miyeong rummaged through the bookshelf in the corner. Before long, the spare fluorescent light came out in Miyeong’s hands. The students all looked at me in unison. Whether it was good or bad luck… I’d never changed a light until then. Because when I asked the landlord to fix it, they’d fix it without incident after hitting me once on the back. I tried hard to remember what I’d seen in passing last time. When I climbed onto the rattling desk, the kids below held it so it wouldn’t shake. I think I even said something idiotic like ‘I won’t get electrocuted, right?’ I anxiously brought my hand over.
‘Ah, hot!’
