At that time, I was a sacrificial lamb for ratings and word of mouth.
I only learned later that a series of such actions is called “devil’s editing.” I was too busy keeping up with filming to even know how I was being shown to the world.
At first, I was shocked. The me on screen looked like a pretty rotten kid. Watching the cleverly spliced videos, it looked like I’d stolen someone else’s part, like I was being passive in group assignments, and even my attitude watching other people’s stages looked unmotivated.
Perhaps because of that, in the early broadcasts, there were quite a few people who hated me. Especially because the person edited to look like they’d had their part stolen was Min Seungwoo, who was in first place, it was even worse.
It was unfair. I didn’t do that.
But.
“I didn’t know who to tell.”
I muttered while pressing my nails firmly against the back of my hand. In my downcast view, crescent-shaped reddish marks appeared one by one.
“I thought even if I said something, who would believe me. I was scared that if I misspoke and things got worse, the CEO would scold me.”
There’s a saying like that, isn’t there? If you stay still, at least you’re middling. If I didn’t have the power to accomplish or change something, I think I at least wanted to not make things worse.
“That could be. You were young at the time.”
Seo Nakil briefly agreed.
“But the agency should have been different. The company had a duty to protect you, and those people were lazy. It doesn’t make sense to just watch while you got beaten down.”
“…”
“I thought then. I wouldn’t do that. I could have been your best option. What’s a little wind and rain that I couldn’t block? Just thinking about it has no meaning. It’s just something happening inside me. So I just put it into action before it was too late.”
These were words I was hearing for the first time. When I raised my head, our gazes locked as if he’d been waiting. It seemed he had been looking at me all along, even when I lowered my head and avoided his gaze.
“Then I’ll ask one question too.”
“Go ahead.”
“Why did you pretend to have lost your memory, Ijae?”
Flustered, I opened my mouth slightly.
“That’s…”
Thinking about it, there were things I’d said carelessly. Stories about Director Jeong having debts, or trivial things like the members ordering spicy food in the morning.
“I did slip up a lot.”
I wasn’t trying to act familiar. Since it wasn’t a lie I’d told to deceive him, it was sloppy in many ways. Moreover, very strangely, I kept loosening up in front of him. Like my tension was being released.
Still, I couldn’t be caught by the members like this. At least for a while, I had to pretend my memory was unstable.
I sat down, moving slightly closer to him. Then I asked with a quite serious attitude.
“How did you happen to notice?”
Seo Nakil, who understood the intent of my question, smiled faintly.
“There were several points. Like how you tried to meet Ahn Haesol twice, or how you didn’t question my actions trying to separate you from the members.”
“…”
“Ordinary people are afraid when there are gaps in their memory. In fact, the medical staff told me as your guardian that you might be anxious, so I should stay close to you. But even though you said those several years of memory were completely gone, you didn’t seem particularly scared.”
“…Then how did I look to you?”
“You looked exhausted.”
A pale face was reflected in eyes painted black with layers of emotion. As he said, I looked a little exhausted.
“Anyway, I felt I should let you know that I’d figured it out. I won’t tell anyone else, so don’t worry.”
“…Thank you.”
“Is there a particular reason you did that?”
“Just…”
What should I say? That I did it because I hated the tragedy that was scheduled ahead? That I didn’t want to believe from the start rather than be upset about being betrayed? That I wanted to leave when I’d get beaten down the least?
Any words would sound strange. The things I feared were things that hadn’t happened yet based on the present, and were also quite absurd assumptions. Because Starium now was just starting to rise, and I was also just beginning to build recognition.
“I got tired of it.”
So I could only speak vaguely.
“I wanted to rest. That’s all.”
“I see.”
Amazingly, even hearing that, Seo Nakil didn’t look at me strangely at all. Rather, he simply agreed plainly as if that was perfectly understandable.
“Then shall we go rest?”
“Is that okay?”
“You look tired.”
I didn’t want to refuse. Because quite ridiculously, sleepiness was washing over me again.
I knew in my head that I had to check those documents, there were plenty of people to contact, and I needed to think about what to do going forward.
Yet as soon as I lay down in the darkened room, my eyelids grew heavy again. Fatigue that I couldn’t even expect to shake off anymore seemed to press down heavily on my entire body.
“Are you cold?”
I nodded at those words. Strangely, I was. Unlike the old single room I’d lived in, no wind came in here at all, yet I was.
I heard the sound of the blanket rustling and crumpling. His scent seemed to grow a bit stronger too.
At the voice softly calling my name, I woke from a light sleep. I wasn’t alert enough to open my eyes, so at most I made a groaning sound and burrowed seeking warmth.
“I’m going out for a bit.”
Seo Nakil’s voice came from above my head. It was exactly as if he was speaking close to somewhere on the crown of my head or forehead.
“There’s a regional studio shoot. Still, if I hurry, I’ll be back around evening.”
“Yes…”
“If you don’t have any particular schedule, just stay here. I’ll have food sent up when you wake, so make sure to eat.”
Instead of answering, I nodded. My whole body was limp as if submerged in water.
“Cold?”
“…No, I’m not cold now.”
As if to make that answer meaningless, after Seo Nakil left, I felt a subtle cold again.
Understanding why I wasn’t cold all night came after I came to my senses. After checking the direction I’d been lying in, I covered my face with both hands.
“You’re crazy, Han Ijae. Completely crazy.”
I slept in Seo Nakil’s arms all night? It was absurd. Why did he accept that in the first place?
With an unsettled feeling, I left him a message that I was up. In case he was filming and I didn’t want to disturb him, I just left a text and washed up, and by the time I came out, perhaps having checked the message, food was set on the dining table.
I nibbled on the brunch of scrambled eggs, sausage, and pancakes while checking the backlog of documents. When the cleanly organized agreement in writing was added to the lawyer’s notarization, the verbal contract termination promise transformed into quite a solid form.
Even though it was something to be glad about, I wasn’t entirely happy. I was bewildered, and also felt futile. I felt so pathetic for having groaned carrying as a burden my whole life something that was so easy for someone else.
Still, anyway, I got to live. I wasn’t in a position to just feel futile about having received someone’s help. I should be grateful that the situation was improving.
After forcing myself to eat about half the meal, I checked one more remaining document. The agreement about future Starium activities was neatly written down.
Could what he said about being a fan really be true? Seo Nakil knew all the way to the fact that I’d run around to all kinds of regional events to promote the last album. He demanded sufficient support, listing point by point the schedule I’d run without even a manager as reasons, and also agreed on a significantly modified scope of future activities.
Seo Nakil’s words were right. He was my best option. No, even that expression wasn’t enough. In that he was an option I didn’t even know I had, it was like a miracle.
After closing the documents, I began to calmly organize my thoughts.
5 days until moving into the dorm. And about 8 months until activities end.
I have no thoughts of becoming hugely successful. I no longer have aspirations to work as an idol for a long time or to become an actor.
I could only try to avoid the worst this time too. Leave the entertainment industry before all kinds of rumors break out. Fortunately in this misfortune, I wasn’t a very influential figure. I’d be easily replaced and easily forgotten. It seemed like I just needed to run far away so no one would want me or find me offensive.
To do that, it seemed best to continue the lie that I had memory problems as much as possible. If I said I had problems with interpersonal memory and couldn’t adapt to group activities, they’d probably think it would be more convenient to leave me out from the next album onward using a rest period as an excuse. While at it, I might also be less swayed by Kwon Seonho.
While organizing which parts to remember and which parts to pretend not to remember in order to not act carelessly like I had with Seo Nakil, a thought occurred to me.
‘Could it be?’
Did he hint that he’d noticed so I could prepare in advance like this?
Somehow it felt like I’d received an unspoken sincerity.
