Strength was firmly applied to the large hand holding my shoulder. It wasn’t painful, but it was just enough intensity to draw my gaze because of its presence.
“…Actor-nim.”
Seo Nakil clearly must have noticed my gaze, but he was looking straight ahead at Kwon Seonho, not at me.
“It didn’t seem like a difficult question.”
“Huh.”
Kwon Seonho shot back.
“Who are you to butt into our group’s business?”
“Ah, the group.”
Seo Nakil, who muttered softly, turned my body. Soon my vision changed completely and his face filled my sight.
“Ijae. Are you going to continue group activities?”
I understood those words a bit late. Because the voice calling “Ijae” was so warm it sounded like it wasn’t my name at all.
“Um, well…”
I was afraid of how Kwon Seonho would react seeing this, but I couldn’t check. Because both my shoulders were firmly held by Seo Nakil, unable to move.
As if telling me to decide while looking only at him.
My heart pounded to the point it felt like it would burst through my chest. I answered as if gasping.
“…I want to.”
It was something I always wanted to say but had never said even once.
“I want to rest…”
“Okay.”
Seo Nakil whispered affectionately.
“Good job. Let’s do that.”
“…”
“That’s what he says.”
“Han Ijae, are you serious? You’re going to rest from Starium activities themselves, not just prepare for a comeback?”
Only then could I turn my body.
“In this condition, it’ll be difficult to properly promote.”
I said as if making an excuse while avoiding Kwon Seonho’s stinging gaze.
“I can’t cause trouble for other people, and I’m going to rest and think about various things while I’m at it.”
Enduring in Starium was insane. Scandals would break out one by one soon. I couldn’t make other people suffer with things I couldn’t handle.
Most of all, I didn’t want to repeat the same fate. It was hard watching people I spent every day with, for better or worse, turn their backs. I hated how the truth, my words, my heart, and my existence gradually became useless and transparent.
So this time I would leave first. If they were hands I’d lose anyway, I wanted to let go when it would hurt the least. By my choice alone.
“What are you going to tell the agency?”
The subtle malice in Kwon Seonho’s words stung my heart sharply.
“Your agency’s CEO, you can’t call him a good person even as an empty compliment. You don’t know now, but you were pretty torn up about it. You struggled desperately, saying you couldn’t tell even your family about the contract that was close to fraud…”
Fortunately, Seo Nakil answered for me.
“What does it matter? Whether someone else rests because they’re sick or is tied down by a fraudulent contract. Anyway, if you don’t do group activities, they’re just acquaintances.”
“Look here. Just because we don’t promote a bit doesn’t mean our relationship…”
“‘Our relationship.'”
Seo Nakil cut off those words coldly.
“A relationship where you know the situation but don’t help, only using it when threatening? A relationship where you cause a commotion in front of the hospital room when things don’t go your way, raise your voice, and even pretend to hit them? Or, a relationship where you believe this person at least won’t get angry no matter how you treat them and use them as you please?”
Kwon Seonho’s clenched fists trembled. He seemed to think he was being needlessly insulted by Seo Nakil. Without even knowing that everything was fact without exception.
“I think differently from Kwon Seonho-ssi.”
Seo Nakil’s tone felt not just relaxed but even arrogant.
“To Ijae, Starium is neither the best option nor everything. It might have been at one time, but it means things will be different going forward.”
“…”
“Because I plan to fill it anew with something better.”
At those words, I recalled what Seo Nakil had said in the hospital room a few days ago.
‘I’ll try hard not to damage anything that makes you up. Except for things so damaged they must be cut out.’
In Seo Nakil’s view, did Starium, and Kwon Seonho, fall under ‘damaged things’ among what made me up?
“We’ll handle the processing on this end, so I’d appreciate it if Kwon Seonho-ssi didn’t visit from now on.”
Seo Nakil’s voice continued smoothly.
“We’re announcing suspension of activities, and there are various things to handle, so several people will be coming to the hospital room. For instance, sports newspaper reporters.”
“…”
“You understand it would be better not to create situations where we have to get angry at each other, right?”
That was just a politely wrapped threat. It was also a warning to take care of himself if he didn’t want his name circulated with issues like discord within the group, threats, or abuse of power.
Even Kwon Seonho, famous for being arrogant and reckless, seemed to realize he’d really be in trouble if he pushed further here.
His annoyed gaze fixed on me. As if silently asking, how could you do this to me?
Very childishly and selfishly, I felt a slight sense of liberation from that gaze.
“…I wondered where you went, unable to wait even that brief moment.”
As Kwon Seonho disappeared from the rooftop garden, Seo Nakil bent down slightly to meet my eyes and extended his hand to me. He raised his arm as if showing his palm, and very slowly reached out to touch the back of my neck. His firm, warm fingertips very carefully brushed my skin.
“Did you want to see him again?”
“Seonho hyung?”
The hand that slid from the back of my neck to my collarbone and then to my shoulder lightly grasped my wrist. Then he slipped my arm into the coat sleeve draped over my shoulder.
“I had things to settle, so I couldn’t help it. I hoped this would be the last time, but hyung probably didn’t listen to me properly.”
“With that personality.”
“Right?”
The other arm was also guided by his touch into the coat sleeve. When I put it on, the fit was so generous it was more than enough, like being wrapped in a large blanket.
I made an awkward expression and lightly clenched and unclenched my fist. Every place his warm hand had brushed felt ticklish.
“Thank you for helping me.”
Because Seo Nakil was there, Kwon Seonho would be a bit more careful. If only to avoid pointless articles appearing.
“You did well.”
Gentle praise settled by my ear.
“Trying to do it alone was a somewhat reckless decision, but the attempt was good.”
“…”
“You did well dressing warmly too.”
At the news that test results were out, I went down to the hospital room following him. Unlike when he had his guard up against Kwon Seonho, he was consistently kind, and seeing his softly relaxed expression…
‘What is he satisfied about?’
Since I didn’t dare ask, I swallowed my curiosity along with dry saliva.
“First, they said your immune system is terrible because of anemia and malnutrition.”
Seo Nakil, who had me sit on the bed, said.
“The reason for memory confusion could be complex. It could be from a concussion, or it could be stress-related. We could proceed with additional tests for clear examination, but…”
Since it wasn’t real amnesia, finding the reason was meaningless. So the continuing tests would only be burdensome.
“We’ll leave the rest to time, observe your condition for a few more days, then discharge you. Of course, we’ll need to check your condition periodically and you’ll need to consistently take your medication.”
While I couldn’t figure out what to say, he handed me a shopping bag he’d set down beside him.
“These are clothes to wear when you’re discharged. The ones from before looked too cold, so I got these in a hurry.”
“Thank yo…”
I accepted it without much thought, then creaked to a halt when I checked the shopping bag’s logo.
“…You said you got them in a hurry…”
“Yes. From a nearby department store.”
Perhaps the clothes now in my arms were much more expensive than the sponsored outfit. I was even a bit scared to take out the clothes.
“It feels a bit awkward to just accept such nice things.”
Seo Nakil tilted his head as if he didn’t understand.
“Is it nice?”
“…”
“I didn’t even pick them myself, so I can’t say I put effort in. Still, they should be warm, so just accept them.”
“Yes…”
“You don’t like it?”
I quickly shook my head.
I didn’t dislike it. I was just scared. I was used to painful and difficult things, but I’d rarely had such nice things, so it was unfamiliar.
“I contacted the manager, so group members won’t visit anymore before discharge. I told the security guards not to let them in either. If possible, Ijae-ssi, don’t go out to meet them either.”
“I won’t. Since I’ll be discharged soon anyway…”
“When you’re discharged, let’s handle the activity suspension matter first.”
Seo Nakil said in a careful voice.
“Will you go to the agency yourself?”
As if saying he’d go with me if I said I couldn’t, as if he could substitute for me, he spoke.
But I knew the agency’s atmosphere. I didn’t want to show him how I became endlessly small in that rough atmosphere.
“…I should.”
I fiddled with the stiff corners of the shopping bag. The clothes he gifted were just like him. Valuable, elegant, warm, and brand new without a single flaw.
So, in front of him who was suspiciously kind, I wanted to be even just a little less shabby.
“I can do it.”
“I’ll take you there.”
I couldn’t refuse even that. I couldn’t think of words to refuse at all. No, I didn’t want to refuse.
Thinking that perhaps this man might be the only safety permitted to me right now, I wanted to grab this lifeline.
My figure nodding was quietly captured in Seo Nakil’s satisfied eyes.
