The heavy dining table exuded an oppressive weight, as if it wouldn’t tolerate even a speck of dust. Its surface was covered with luxurious marble. The black and gray tabletop rippled with a bluish sheen.
Seo Youngjae was already seated waiting in a stately mahogany chair.
Seo Juhan had to put quite a bit of effort into pulling out the chair across from him. Without making a fuss, he pretended nothing had happened and sat down demurely.
A heavy silence pressed down on his shoulders. The smell of alcohol rose from his breath, so Seo Juhan even held his breath.
Seo Youngjae finally opened his mouth.
“You’re not planning to go to graduate school at all?”
Seo Juhan’s complexion darkened in an instant. His pupils wavered, unable to find their bearings.
“……I.”
Juhan’s lips, which had been hesitating, barely opened.
“Forget it.”
However, he couldn’t even finish his words before a firm rejection cut him off. Seo Youngjae shook his head as if even listening was a waste of time and crossed his arms.
“What can be done when your level is only that much? You have to live according to how you were born.”
“……”
“When was it that you persuaded me so desperately to go into mathematics? If you were going to do pure science, you should have at least studied abroad and become a professor. There’s no point in talking now with someone who doesn’t have that kind of backbone.”
“……”
“It’s fortunate you at least completed teacher certification when you almost gave up, unable to adapt.”
Seo Juhan chewed on the failure of his life along with his lips.
Until now, the most important thing for me was speed. To solve all the problems within the time limit, I had to find the correct path and go straight ahead. Only then could I survive the fierce entrance exam competition.
In the human marketplace where people were scored with specific numbers and judged by grades, Seo Juhan thoroughly internalized this. He blindly obsessed over it, placing efficiency as his highest value.
Such efforts rewarded him with clear results. Throughout high school, he maintained a top rank and enjoyed the sweet fruit of admission to a prestigious university.
But that was all. The curriculum of the mathematics department at a top-tier university was grueling. Even understanding the concepts wasn’t easy, and the study load was enormous. This was despite scoring a perfect 100 on math consistently from mock exams to the college entrance exam.
It was overwhelming. Not only was it difficult, but he absolutely couldn’t accept his grades.
He stayed up all night downing energy drinks, and during vacations, he even watched expensive online lectures, forcing knowledge down his throat. With effort comparable to that of civil service exam students, he struggled to achieve high grades, but that was all.
Seo Juhan came to starkly realize that he had no talent. He had merely been good at solving problems.
Mathematics was no longer enjoyable. That’s how Seo Juhan slipped even in his studies, which he had taken pride in. The tower he had built up until then crumbled.
To others’ eyes, his life seemed smooth sailing, but from his own perspective, he was nothing but a failure.
The self-esteem that had sunk so low as to dig down to the basement while wandering through university was twisted in a bad direction. It spawned a misguided arrogance and sense of superiority that divided people by grades and class.
Most of all, in the autonomous and independent university life, there was no motivation to keep him moving.
“Being a school teacher isn’t bad either.”
Seo Youngjae tilted his head and continued.
“As I’ve said before, retake the teacher certification exam. If it’s Gyeonggi Province, it’s hard to settle down because you have to move around different areas.”
“Yes……”
“I won’t particularly push you to get married, but…… since you have no ambition in studying, you should at least get married like everyone else does. The youngest who works at a construction company got divorced after wandering all over the country, didn’t he? Among our siblings, he was the one with the least brains for studying.”
Seo Juhan nodded slowly with eyes hazy from intoxication.
“Well, you’ll do fine on your own with that much. You’ll pass quickly.”
His tightly closed lips twitched slightly.
Though it was a casually thrown-out remark, it stuck clearly. It was the thread he had been desperately holding onto amid countless indifference and contempt.
The pride that would have been barely ticklish spread widely, perhaps due to the alcohol. He was moved. His parched heart welcomed even praise that wasn’t quite praise.
“Anyway, the only major milestone left in your life now is marriage……”
Seo Youngjae’s gaze was directed toward the window in the living room.
“You need to choose your person carefully.”
It was a weighty resonance.
Seo Juhan put strength into his lips and pressed them tightly shut. His mind, which had been walking on clouds, snapped to attention.
“Even if I try to introduce someone to you, your conditions are……”
Seo Youngjae muttered as if talking to himself, then continued.
“I don’t know if you’ll have children or not, but it’s hard to raise kids on a teacher’s salary these days. Pick a good woman who has a dual income.”
“Yes……”
Seo Juhan nodded repeatedly as if he agreed very much.
“For a child to be smart, the mother’s brains are most important above all. For that, another teacher wouldn’t be bad either.”
It was nagging that had been drilled into his ears to the point of being sick of it, but Seo Juhan nodded.
Without knowing where it originated from, it was a belief internalized as if it had been his from the beginning.
“And more than the child’s mother being important, you have to look at the family background. You must not associate with ignorant and poor families. Your mother too……”
Seo Youngjae was silent for a moment as if recalling the past. In his eyes, which had been nothing but indifferent, emotion briefly flickered. But it was so faint it was difficult to name.
That too was only for a moment. As if humanity had never visited, it immediately evaporated. Instead, a cold frost filled its place.
“I wonder if your mother got that disease because she was born to uneducated parents. She calls herself a poet. What’s all this about being an artist or whatever when she can’t even put food on the table and just does manual labor……”
Tsk. The sound of his tongue clicking contained bitter disillusionment.
“You think about it too. Would a normal person have made that choice? No matter how hard it is to work while raising a child, still.”
Seo Juhan’s eyes hardened stiffly.
“Calling that a parent. Sending off a woman who can’t do any housework to get married.”
Seo Youngjae’s voice intensified as if a storm was brewing.
Seo Juhan’s shoulders shrank. His entire body stiffened rigidly, making it hard to breathe.
“Frankly speaking, you threw a fit crying and begging, so I briefly left you at those people’s house, and what did you learn there during that time?”
The melancholy orchestral accompaniment raced toward its climax. It was on the verge of explosion.
“They should have made you study but instead just let you play all the time, ruining the child. That’s why you.”
The voice that had been filled with passion abruptly cut off out of nowhere.
His flickering eyes blinked a few times. The arm that had been pointing dropped. The back that had separated also returned to the backrest.
“Huu.”
Seo Youngjae let out a tired sigh while pressing hard on his brow.
The hand covering his face slowly descended. His eyes had regained their originally dry color. They were as numb as before.
“I have a seminar, so I need to leave early today.”
His voice had also returned to being plain. It was exactly as if the power had been switched.
“Since you came down, let’s have a meal together.”
“……Yes.”
Seo Juhan, still in a tense state, panted through his mouth. His heart pounded heavily.
“When are you planning to go back up?”
“……Anytime is fine.”
Clack.
At that moment, there was the sound of a door opening. Seo Juhan flinched in surprise and stealthily looked back.
“It’s late, what are you doing here without sleeping? Without even turning on the light.”
Lee Gyeongsuk, who came out of the master bedroom, asked in a voice still drowsy with sleep. She was wearing silk pajamas that were a set with what Seo Youngjae was wearing. Although it felt like she had just come out, there was no dishevelment in her curled hair.
“……ayo.”
Seo Juhan finished his words so quietly that only he could hear.
“Oh my, Juhan was here?”
Lee Gyeongsuk raised her voice as if pleased and walked over gracefully.
“You’re free today too, right? Let’s have dinner before sending him off.”
At Seo Youngjae’s words, Seo Juhan closed his slightly open mouth. The greeting “Hello” he had intended to say died without leaving his mouth.
“I made plans with friends thinking you’d eat dinner and come back.”
Lee Gyeongsuk stuck out her lips slightly.
Seo Youngjae’s eyebrows rose as if annoyed.
Before Seo Youngjae could say anything, Lee Gyeongsuk smiled gently and took the initiative.
“Juhan came after a long time, so it can’t be helped. I’ll cancel.”
“……You should.”
Seo Youngjae twisted the corner of his mouth as if she was stating the obvious too late.
“Oh right. Kim something? Didn’t you say you weren’t going this time because you didn’t want to see that person?”
Lee Gyeongsuk changed the topic while supporting her chin with her hand.
“Ah, I was going to do that, but it seems he can’t make it.”
Seo Youngjae answered leisurely while resting his shoulder on the chair backrest.
“Why?”
“He followed in after hearing rumors and seems to have been bitten.”
“Good for him. I was also annoyed every time I heard him talk. Serves him right.”
Seo Youngjae and Lee Gyeongsuk talked among themselves for a while with Seo Juhan between them.
Seo Juhan, who didn’t know the context, couldn’t understand. He just stood in place blankly like a doll. He only stared at the vase placed on the table. He felt like air.
In the midst of this, drowsiness even came over him, making him troubled.
At that moment, a delicate touch landed on his shoulder. Seo Juhan flinched and trembled as he turned his head.
Lee Gyeongsuk’s face was close. Her short chin and round eyes looked young at a glance, but even up close, she couldn’t hide her age.
“I feel this every time I see Juhan, but maybe because you’re young, your skin is so good. How can you have no visible pores like this? I’m so envious.”
“……Haha.”
Seo Juhan looked away and laughed awkwardly. It was a compliment he couldn’t get used to no matter how many times he heard it.
“Don’t you think so?”
Lee Gyeongsuk looked back at Seo Youngjae and asked for his opinion.
“Why do you care so much about such things at your age?”
Seo Youngjae scolded her bluntly as if she was being foolish.
“Hey, still.”
“To my eyes, you and Juhan are the same.”
It was a voice that showed he had no interest in the first place.
Lee Gyeongsuk stretched her thin lips long. Then a satisfied look oozed from her curved eyes.
“Really? If that’s how you see it, that’s all that matters.”
Only then did the uncomfortable distance grow distant again.
Seo Juhan shoved the breath that was about to burst into his mouth.
“Is your salary enough?”
“……What?”
At his father’s sudden question, Seo Juhan made a stupid-sounding voice.
“Didn’t you do tutoring and such to earn pocket money after entering university? Instead of studying like you should.”
“Ah……”
“Well, these days I hear teachers get paid extra if they do supplementary classes and such? You do that kind of thing too, don’t you?”
“……No. We don’t do that.”
“Really? Then that’s fine. Anyway, retake the certification exam. Family should live close by. Don’t waste time trying to earn a few more pennies.”
“……Yes.”
“Tell me if you’re short on money. You must be tired, so go in and sleep now.”
Seo Youngjae spoke in a commanding tone and stood up.
“You sleep more too. I’m going to wash up and leave.”
He also gave notice to Lee Gyeongsuk and immediately took his steps.
“Have a safe trip.”
Seo Juhan bowed his head while hesitantly pushing his chair back.
“Go safely.”
Lee Gyeongsuk waved her fingers gently and smiled softly.
Seo Youngjae trudged down the hallway.
Of the two people he owned, one person craved his affection, and the other person coveted his capital. Because of this, the dictator with absolute power didn’t even respond once. It was natural for family members to see off the head of the household.
Bright lights turned on. A splendid bathroom revealed itself.
Thud.
The massive door closed its maw. Only faint light leaked through its cracks.
Seo Juhan quietly headed to his room, relying on the dim light.
Lee Gyeongsuk, who silently went to the master bedroom, was the same.
They scattered separately like their lives of every man for himself.
Seo Juhan returned to his dark, solitary space. When he closed the door behind him, complete darkness arrived.
It was dawn when even the twinkling night view had set. It was the darkest time before daybreak. Everything with life had all fallen into unconsciousness. Perhaps because of that, it was even darker than midnight. Whether he closed or opened his eyes, it was darkness itself.
Seo Juhan moved his feet fumbling and sat on the bedside. Then he raised his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He curled his back round as if returning to being a fetus. He leaned his face to the side and blinked his eyes.
The indoor temperature was appropriately cool. Now that he noticed, the system air conditioner he had never turned on was running.
Seo Juhan narrowed his eyes that were rising with intoxication. Even though he wasn’t cold, he curled up his body.
