# Chapter 35
I thought we might go to a nearby Korean restaurant today. Woosang didn’t usually eat Korean food. Even while living with me, he always ate bread or French food, and didn’t particularly seek out Korean cuisine.
But whenever we actually went to a Korean restaurant or made Korean food at home, he seemed to eat it better than other foods.
Since his language skills were so fluent, I hadn’t really thought about which country he came from or what food he especially liked until now.
Looking back, that’s how it was.
I didn’t know so much about myself that I never considered what Woosang was giving to me and conceding for me.
‘I’ve been receiving more consideration than I thought.’
There was so much for me to feel even in these small details. So I wanted to do everything I could for him too.
If I was considerate and accommodating like that, surely Woosang would trust me more than before. Our parting wouldn’t be close.
Woosang, who had somehow gotten fully dressed, was staring blankly at me lost in thought.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
He stood there looking neat and tidy as if he had never been disheveled, though he hadn’t been wearing anything just moments before.
“Let’s go out.”
“Where are we going?”
“To eat, do some grocery shopping, and I want to buy some books too.”
“Okay.”
Woosang, now wearing a coat, followed without saying much. I opened the door and was about to step outside without thinking, when I noticed Woosang grabbing two umbrellas.
‘Right, it was raining.’
I lightly took his hand and said:
“Just bring one.”
“What?”
“We can share it.”
At my words, Woosang nodded and brought just one large umbrella. After locking the door and stepping outside, fortunately the rain was drizzling lightly, about to stop. The clouds were gradually clearing at the edge of the sky.
The ground was wet, probably because it had already rained a lot, and made splashing sounds with every step.
As I looked around absently, I finally realized I was in a completely different city, with scenery clearly different from Paris.
I probably realized this because of Woosang’s presence.
Woosang acted as if this place he suddenly came to wasn’t unfamiliar.
“By the way, have you been to Brussels before? You don’t seem lost at all.”
“I briefly visited once before.”
He was so different from me, who never went outside of France except for work trips.
“Let’s go to that Korean restaurant we went to last time today. Is that okay?”
“…It’s fine with me, but you don’t have to force yourself.”
“I’m not forcing myself. I liked it there too.”
He gave me a doubtful look before nodding. And then he acted somewhat uncomfortably. I deliberately pretended not to notice and asked casually:
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, you don’t have to try so hard to accommodate me.”
“It’s not like that.”
Woosang’s expression, looking at me as if I were a stranger, seemed amusing. I wondered if this was why Woosang had been teasing me all this time, but I deliberately turned my head to look around the street to avoid revealing my thoughts.
“Bel spat out the food once before. I don’t have a hobby of forcing people to eat things they don’t like…”
“…Don’t force-feed me.”
He looked at me. Somehow I felt like I knew what he was thinking.
We arrived at the restaurant as planned and sat in a suitable spot. Perhaps because of the rain, there weren’t many people around.
While waiting for a server to take our order, an employee we had seen before approached us.
“You’re here again?”
“Yes, um…”
When I looked at Woosang, he conversed with the employee for a while in Korean that I couldn’t understand. Seeing Woosang smile as if enjoying himself, my heart felt a prickling pain.
I deliberately fidgeted with the napkin in front of me to distract myself from this meaningless pain.
“Should I learn Korean too?”
“Why? Do you want to learn?”
“You look comfortable speaking Korean…”
“It’s okay. Teo, you’re already good at English. There’s no need to learn it particularly.”
Seeing his apparent lack of interest made me suspicious. Maybe there were things he didn’t want to share.
“Well, let’s eat quickly and go look at books.”
While staring at him, I remembered a word Woosang had been using frequently lately.
“Ah, I think I know one Korean word.”
“What is it?”
“‘Shibal’ – you say it often.”
*Cough*. Woosang coughed. Somehow people around us were also looking in our direction. It was definitely a bad word.
“Don’t use bad words.”
“…I understand, so hurry up and eat.”
I nodded and we ate the food that was served. I glanced at him from time to time. Woosang, who had lost a lot of weight, was pitifully thin.
Moreover, since he didn’t seem to be practicing dance lately, it looked like all his previous muscles had disappeared too. I had taken too much from him. I couldn’t help but think hard about what else I should do for him.
After finishing our meal in silence, we soon looked up at the sky where the rain had stopped. The sunlight pouring through gaps in the clouds, though slight, seemed perfect for walking the streets.
‘Who would have thought being together would feel this comfortable even in an unfamiliar place?’
Though there were still many things we couldn’t express to each other, it would surely be okay.
I wanted to believe that.
We arrived at the bookstore to browse books, then stopped at the supermarket to shop. We came home with both hands full of bags, and as we organized our purchases, the sky had already turned black.
The sun, which showed no sign of lengthening even at the end of winter, created a strange feeling. While I was stuck by the window looking outside for a while, Woosang came over and joined me in observing the scenery.
“It still seems like winter.”
“It does.”
In the past, he would have embraced me first, but now he no longer initiated embraces.
Such behavior sometimes felt like he was testing me. We talked, shopped, and slept in the same bed together, but he clearly drew a line and kept his guard up.
After staring at him for a while, I embraced him first and shared warmth.
‘How much time will it take for us to trust each other again?’
In fact, our relationship had been misaligned from the beginning, so perhaps now is the real start. I would need to give him a lot of faith.
I wasn’t sad. But I hoped that time wouldn’t be too long. My stifled heart seemed to be loosening.
I carefully kissed the top of his head lightly.
***
I woke up, rubbing my stiff eyes with an inexplicable stuffy feeling.
Checking the time, it was 3 AM. Recently, insomnia had me waking up in the early morning frequently.
Despite spending long periods unable to sleep, lying awake, it was still an unfamiliar experience.
Feeling completely awake again today as usual, I sighed. The early morning air was cool.
This place, with a structure so different from the house I used to live in, was cold despite the heating. Teo seemed to be doing fine regardless of the cold, but it was unbearable for me.
Yet this uselessly cold, spacious house had somehow become familiar.
It was already the second week since Teo and I had stayed in Brussels.
The insomnia that started when I began chasing him still came without change even during the time we were together. Afraid of waking him, I couldn’t even get out of bed, sluggishly turned on my phone to browse various things, then got bored of that too, turned off the screen and shifted my body toward Teo.
He worried about how thin I had become, but I was more concerned about Teo. Though his complexion wasn’t bad, he looked thinner than before and seemed exhausted by everything.
He waved his hand saying he was fine, but to my eyes, he looked like a sick person counting down his days. Recently, his complexion had improved since he was sleeping and eating well, but it seemed like it would take a long time to return to his condition from last summer.
I lifted my hand and gently brushed his hair, but Teo didn’t stir. Feeling somewhat relieved at this, I turned my head and looked at the ceiling again.
I had finally found him.
At first, I couldn’t control myself due to maddening anger. But gradually, as time passed, I seemed to become more composed than before.
He had matured more than last summer and had become stronger. He was no longer the Teo I had to guide back then.
“What made you change like this…?”
It saddened me that I wasn’t there while he was changing. I’m so broken because of you, but conversely, you’ve become able to stand on your own.
Then he could abandon me anytime. He doesn’t fully need me.
In the end, I would be the one abandoned in this relationship.
How could I prevent him from leaving me? Should I keep monitoring him, watching over him? Would that make him stay completely by my side?
I thought if I showed my vulnerable side, he would pity me and not let me go. Indeed, he sympathized with my condition and tried to love me. But the anxiety still wouldn’t disappear.
The fact that I had revealed my miserable self in front of him kept bothering me, making it hard to breathe as if a fishbone were stuck in my throat.
‘Is it really okay to live like this?’
Even with Teo here, I was continually being devoured by something inexplicable.
On nights like this when I couldn’t sleep due to these stifling thoughts, I felt like climbing on top of him and strangling him.
“Stop here now. I don’t have the confidence to go any further.”
I muttered while looking at Teo’s face. Whether he understood that voice or not, he frowned deeply and bit his lip once.
It was an irritatingly noticeable action. He seemed unaware that he drew attention to himself.
It was the same when we first met. He appeared breathtakingly warm as he stared at me blankly and spoke to me.
I couldn’t forget him from that time.
But now, as time had passed, he often cast his gaze on things other than me.
I didn’t have the confidence to endure that. Then I had to prepare too. I couldn’t just leave him as he tried to escape.
I had given up so many things for Teo. I couldn’t ask him to give up his life, but he should know that there were things he needed to give up for me as well.
He shifted slightly. Seeing him curl up as if cold somewhere, I fixed the blanket over him and gently stroked his cheek, which looked pitiful.
“Sleep well.”
I hoped he wouldn’t hear the words I whispered on this sleepless night.
