After the greeting delivered in an extremely polite voice, his father’s somewhat surprised voice flowed out.
-What’s the occasion? You’re asking after my well-being.
*
Jeong’s gaze staring out the car window was empty.
Always around this time when finishing work and heading home, his heart would swell with thoughts of seeing Dokyung. The fact that a trustworthy person watched over Dokyung all night and the fact that he was going to see Dokyung who would have slept warmly all night at Yoonkyung’s safe house was an emotion that welled up freshly every day even in the daily routine that repeated itself.
So even on the way back from selling body and soul all night to demon-like people, it wasn’t empty or lonely. The steps going to see the rabbit-like child, the child like his own life who would be waiting for him, were always light.
But lately, the steps heading to Yoonkyung’s house kept feeling heavy.
After seeing Wookyung at the establishment, Jeong’s mind had completely shaken. No, it felt like the last stepping stone under his feet that had been precariously supporting his life had completely collapsed.
In the sweeping sea winds and tidal waves, it had been a life going forward looking only at one flickering light in the distance. On the pitch-black seawater, the only power moving him was Dokyung. Having entrusted the oar called will to live to the young one, Jeong had been moving forward looking only at that one light.
That light that had been undulating seductively in the distance might perhaps be an ember secretly hidden inside him.
Of course, he knew well the fact that Wookyung had abandoned him. It was a fact he’d already accepted over several years, breaking and crumbling many times. But because he was human too, he didn’t extinguish the very small, small ember of hope remaining in his heart and carefully buried it in rough soil. Every night when suffering under other men, he scolded himself every day that cherishing that small hope was foolish and stupid, but it was useless. The ember continued its life force on its own regardless of Jeong’s will.
He wasn’t someone who could be easily forgotten. The person called Choi Wookyung, deeply imprinted in his heart, was endless no matter how much he dug out. Sometimes enduring crimson bloodshed, sometimes pain that felt deadly, Jeong still continued to hold that ember in his chest. Even when it lost strength day by day in the flowing years, still.
If he was alive. And if they met someday.
Since he was already someone who turned away and didn’t seek him… he couldn’t have high expectations, but just maybe. Perhaps. If it wasn’t that he didn’t seek him… but for some reason, if it wasn’t that he didn’t seek him but couldn’t seek him. If he had unavoidable circumstances.
Such futile hopes helped the ember in Jeong’s chest not lose strength. The small flame that burned lonely in his chest every day would all burn up and become ash forlornly every time he opened his body to other men regardless of his will. The flame that burned up with Jeong’s body and soul as offerings every day, every day repeated burning up and going out like that.
But the appearance of Wookyung encountered at Yeodanhwa was no different from pouring cold water on the ember in Jeong’s chest that had been preserved for several years like that.
‘…Haah.’
No matter how much he tried to shake it off, it was useless. As if engraved on his cornea, he could see it even when he closed his eyes, and as if stuck in his brain, it wouldn’t be forgotten even when he tried to forget. The sight of him holding another person was showing all too clearly that all the foolish hope Jeong had been living with had been futile.
Unlike him who wore shabby shirts at the establishment and sold his body to men, the Wookyung encountered at Yeodanhwa was wearing a stylish and expensive suit. Unlike him who couldn’t live without others’ help no matter how much he struggled, he was living leisurely helping others as if giving charity from a stable position. Unlike him who was raising the child he left behind alone, making it the only goal and purpose of his life…, that person was trying to make a new start by meeting someone new. Not only that, he was coming to the establishment and even holding other hostesses, enjoying life.
His heart ached cold at the difference in position between Wookyung and himself, as wide as heaven and earth.
No, perhaps even feeling wronged was a luxury. From the beginning, that person had no obligation to bestow anything on him. And that’s if it was a relationship that could even be called “lovers.”
Aren’t lovers strangers once they turn away? He abandoned him, and there’s no obligation to show mercy to a discarded omega.
‘Still…’
No matter how much he tried to think that way, when he recalled a certain fact, the sense of wrongness still couldn’t be controlled.
Namely, Dokyung.
Dokyung, the baby made together with him, why was he suffering with him who had nothing? That was quite unfair and wrongful. Unlike his own life that had nothing from the beginning, at least this child was innocent. There’s no reason for him to suffer this hardship with him, so why is our angel-like Dokyung…
With a gloomy mind, Jeong hung his head. The inside of the bus swayed this way and that, and Jeong’s shabby and dry knees also swayed powerlessly.
He hadn’t been in his right mind these past few days. Even when receiving customers, several customers complained about his confusion and despair that clearly showed in Jeong’s attitude. Especially that beta man, even more than usual, really acted like a crazy person. He said he’d tell the manager, and he even threatened that he’d tell President Jeong of Yeodan.
But no matter what anyone said, the mind that had gone out once didn’t easily come back. It felt like his soul had left his body and was floating in the air. The empty shell of flesh that remained didn’t function properly and creaked. He just moved mechanically as the men told him.
‘Appa?’
He also recalled the scene where Dokyung tilted his head and stared at his face blankly. When tears trickled down from Jeong’s eyes as he sat still like a doll, the child looked at Jeong’s face as if it was strange, then reached out his fern-like hand to wipe away the tears. And then, wrapping his arms around Jeong’s neck, he whimpered anxiously many times, calling appa, appaa.
Right, I have to pull myself together. I can’t collapse like this, when Dokyung is here…
Transparent water fell with a plop from his blurring vision, wetting the back of Lee Jeong’s hand. He was doing it again. These days, even just sitting without thinking about anything, tears kept flowing from his eyes. However, Lee Jeong forcefully shook his head.
He couldn’t just keep crying like this. Yes, he’d raised the child this well without any help from that person anyway. After that day, that person didn’t exist in his life anyway. He had to steel his heart like that and struggle on living. Just like he had until now.
Most of all, what bothered him most was that he was Yoonkyung’s older brother. But he couldn’t rely on Yoonkyung’s kindness forever anyway. If he worked a little harder… once he saved up a bit more money, he’d have to find another sitter. Then he could live without ever running into that person.
Just until then. He just had to be careful not to run into him like now. He should minimize the time spent at Yoonkyung’s house and avoid him so they wouldn’t encounter each other. Because he didn’t want to show that person his miserable self living at the most brilliant period of his life. Because he really hated receiving pity from him.
And in the worst case, that expression of finding him and his child burdensome and overwhelming—that, just that… he really, truly didn’t want to see it.
-This stop is XX Apartment, XX Apartment. The next stop is…
Lost in thought, he almost missed his stop. Lee Jeong, startled, hurriedly got off the bus. He took out his phone while walking quickly and checked the time. It was almost time for Yoonkyung to go to work.
He entered Yoonkyung’s apartment complex almost at a run. His gasping breath was caught up to his chin. His entire body ached and hurt, and his legs and pelvis that had been exploited all night hurt, but he couldn’t stop walking. If he was any later like this, Yoonkyung would surely prepare breakfast for Dokyung, and then he’d have to stay at that house longer.
Breathing roughly, Lee Jeong pressed the bell in front of Yoonkyung’s house. The time between the ding-dong sound and hearing Yoonkyung’s answer somehow felt longer than usual.
“Welcome, Lee Jeong-ssi. You must have had a hard time all night.”
Lee Jeong bowed his head toward Yoonkyung, who greeted him warmly. And at that moment, Lee Jeong’s eyes widened at the sight of something entering his vision.
It was because of the unfamiliar shoes placed inside the entrance. Expensive, large dress shoes that anyone could see would be worn by a very tall man.
His heart suddenly began to beat violently as if going mad. Lee Jeong gasped for breath. At the same time, a certain sensation terrifyingly engraved in his nose quickly pushed its way into his mind.
Again, that smell again.
The sandalwood scent wafting faintly from inside, terrifyingly engraved in his nose.
“Appa. Appaaa.”
“Not appa. Say samchon. Sam, chon.”
And… the voice reaching his ears at this moment was a voice he had never forgotten for even a single moment.
“Appaaa!”
Dokyung’s innocent voice continued flowing from inside. However, Lee Jeong couldn’t move from that spot, frozen like a statue.
This whole situation felt like a lie. No, it felt like a dream.
He hadn’t even recovered from the shock of the fact that he was alive and was Yoonkyung’s older brother. He had never even dreamed that he would really encounter him in reality without any preparation like this.
How should he… look at him with Dokyung? How should he accept him? What kind of face should he face him with? No, would he even be able to stand facing him?
He was so confused it felt like his head would burst with a bang. He wanted to turn around and run away right now, but strangely his legs were frozen and wouldn’t listen. His fingers trembled and his legs swayed.
Quickly, he had to go in, hold the child, and come out… but he felt like he absolutely couldn’t see that person’s face right now…
“…Lee Jeong-ssi? Are you okay?”
Then Yoonkyung approached and supported Lee Jeong, who was staggering, with a surprised face.
“Why, why are you like this? Your face has turned… pale? Lee Jeong-ssi, is something wrong?”
“Dokyung-ah, your father is here. Shall we go say hello?”
It was then. A thick, caring voice was heard from inside.
He seemed to be carrying Dokyung and coaxing him, gradually approaching this way. Lee Jeong stood still with his eyes wide open. Even now, he wanted to be shameless to Yoonkyung and turn around and run away, but his legs wouldn’t listen, as if they’d melted and then hardened like wax.
