“When I did it like this, right?”
I think I really did it like this earlier. This time I put a bit more force into it. The hand I’d put in my pocket was even clenched into a fist from concentrating.
As if it was incredibly fascinating, Han Seoyoung covered her mouth and exclaimed in admiration this time.
“So Hajin subdued Lee Gyeongho with just a look earlier. Actually, when I saw from afar, I was wondering what you two were doing.”
“So that’s what it was. That’s what it was. I thought so.”
I glanced over and saw Choi Jihwan nodding with a serious face too. I could newly realize how important one’s mindset is to a person.
“Hehe. I feel kind of proud.”
Honestly, I felt really proud. My heart did pound a little earlier, but now that the situation was over, I was surprisingly calm. It was probably thanks to the friends who stayed by my side.
A little later, back in the classroom, Lee Gyeongho’s group didn’t pick a fight with me. I could feel their gazes, but even that was different from their usual blatant hostility.
I felt a bit dazed. So this is how you do it. Sometimes it’s okay not to endure.
And, it’s okay to be a little bold.
On the first day I decided to change myself anew, I seemed to have gained an unexpected harvest.
***
The professor entered the lecture hall and class began.
Normally, as soon as I opened my lecture notes, my hand would move automatically, but today I just couldn’t concentrate on the class.
The professor’s voice seemed to be coming from far away. I could hear the words he was saying as he explained verses of poetry, but they weren’t being assembled into meaning in my head at all.
Choi Jihwan sitting next to me kept glancing at me. Instead of responding, I just drew meaningless lines across one side of my notebook.
Straight line, curved line, straight line again.
And last night, yesterday’s resolution came to mind.
‘Hyung-nim, I won’t love you anymore.’
Could I really do that? Could I really stop liking hyung-nim?
“……I don’t know.”
I muttered softly without realizing it. I could feel Choi Jihwan sitting next to me staring at me with puzzled eyes since earlier.
It was break time during the three-hour consecutive class. Choi Jihwan was looking at his phone when he brought it up.
“I saw on the chat earlier that the kids were talking about the blind date.”
“Oh, really?”
I took out my phone.
The group chat was bustling with talk about the blind date. It seemed they’d succeeded in recruiting all the members, as a new chat room had been created since 30 minutes ago.
**English Lit Lee Taehyung**
*Is Friday at 7 okay for everyone?*
*Lee Hajin is definitely coming this time, right?*
I typed briefly.
*Yeah, I’ll be there on time.*
Right after I sent it. When I turned my head, Choi Jihwan was staring at me.
“What on earth happened?”
It looked like he’d been curious all along but finally couldn’t hold back from asking.
“I’m asking because you keep doing things you never did before.”
I quietly pursed my lips.
Well, just as I supported Choi Jihwan’s unrequited love, he must have done the same. If the situation were reversed, I would have asked him what had happened too.
“Don’t tell me hyung-nim rejected you? You said you weren’t going to confess for a while.”
“I wasn’t rejected…… but it’s almost the same.”
I smiled bitterly.
Only after speaking did I realize how bitter my voice sounded. Choi Jihwan also seemed to sense something there and kept opening and closing his mouth.
Until now, I’d been rejected by hyung-nim countless times in my imagination or dreams. Even if I confessed in various situations, the repertoire that followed was similar.
One, in my dreams I confess in front of hyung-nim, unable to overcome my overflowing feelings, like confessing an old sin.
Two, hyung-nim politely but coldly rejects me, citing the age difference between us and the fact that we’re practically family. Because hyung-nim is always someone who maintains boundaries.
Three, I’m hurt by hyung-nim’s kind rejection and regret that I shouldn’t have confessed.
Four, we gradually drift apart and finally become complete strangers. Returning to our former relationship is impossible, and the warm memories of childhood become just things of the past.
This was the ending of my unrequited love that I always imagined.
Of course, the cause of this sad ending is my feelings, my confession. Nothing has actually happened in reality except loving hyung-nim, but if I actually confess, it would probably be similar.
“If you were rejected, you were rejected. What do you mean ‘almost the same’?”
“Hyung-nim told me to meet a good person. Especially to meet people my age.”
“……”
“He said even twenty-six is too old.”
I’d thought for a long time about why hyung-nim’s words yesterday hurt so much.
“Our hyung-nim is over thirty, so saying that is practically the same as rejection……”
It was practically the same as hearing hyung-nim’s rejection, even if only implicitly. That an adult like hyung-nim and a kid like me absolutely can’t be romantic partners—whether intentionally or not, that’s how hyung-nim’s words sounded.
After several days of events, I reached my limit yesterday. If I’d wavered just a bit more, I would have told hyung-nim I liked him without thinking.
“Why do this when there are kids your age around? I don’t understand at all. You’re a baby, meet people your age.”
Hyung-nim’s words saying he didn’t understand put the brakes on me.
Those words felt like a warning directed at me. I realized that the end of the unrequited love I’d imagined was right before me. I decided to stop before it became reality because that warning was too fatal for me.
“Hey, but still, you don’t know. That might not have been said about you or hyung-nim……”
“Actually, the age difference isn’t the only problem. Hyung-nim is someone who’s cold to others but becomes incredibly warm to family.”
“……”
“But that hyung-nim, since I was little, has looked after my mom and dad like his own parents. The year before last, he even sent them on a Bali trip for their anniversary. I tagged along and went too.”
Even when I tagged along back then, I just liked hyung-nim who generously gave to those around him. I wanted to become a capable adult like hyung-nim and do the same.
“What would that mean—to hyung-nim, I’m family……”
Even though I was in my second year of high school, I couldn’t grasp the deeper meaning.
When I got older and thought about it more deeply, it wasn’t simply something to like. It meant that hyung-nim thought of our family as the same as his own.
“You know I know hyung-nim well. He’s super conservative and exemplary everywhere. People often say he could live without laws because he’s such a principled person.”
Yoo Jeongyeon would get furious every time adults praised hyung-nim with such words. Saying things like “law-abiding spirit has nothing to do with character at all.”
But to me, hyung-nim who followed the law well seemed like a more exemplary and moral person than anyone. Since he was originally that kind of person and studied law so much…… my lips drooped without me realizing.
Ironically, the biggest obstacle to my unrequited love wasn’t the age difference but that “principle” of regarding our family as the same as hyung-nim’s family.
Our family is bound to Jeongwoo hyung-nim by the “principle” of being “family.”
It was the reason why, even after acting awkward throughout puberty and acting like a wild colt after turning twenty, I still received hyung-nim’s generous affection. I was able to be by hyung-nim’s side thanks to that firmly drawn line. That’s why I couldn’t carelessly confess to hyung-nim.
“You’re a baby, meet people your age. If later you say you have a lover and bring some twenty-six-year-old……”
“……”
“I don’t even want to think about it.”
My sense of reality, which had been blurred by false expectations for a while, returned in an instant.
Those words were exactly what a much older brother would say to younger siblings.
“Unlike you, Jihwan, mine was impossible from the start. So I’m trying to stop now.”
“……”
“There’s no way hyung-nim would see me as an omega overnight.”
Right, Jeongwoo hyung-nim would never be that kind of person. It was the reason I loved hyung-nim and, at the same time, the reason I resented him sometimes.
“He’s someone who fed me formula and changed my diapers since I was little. It’s natural from hyung-nim’s perspective, but I didn’t know hyung-nim well enough.”
I said this while shaking my head firmly. The voice I uttered was also clear and unwavering, unlike before. Of course, inside I was a mess like a muddy pit.
Something had been touching in my jacket pocket since earlier. It was the condom I’d stolen from hyung-nim’s wallet. Since then, hyung-nim’s condom had been in my pocket the whole time.
“……Hang in there, Lee Hajin.”
Choi Jihwan looked at me speechlessly for a moment, then patted my shoulder. It was a heavier comfort than any words.
“Think of Friday as a change of mood and go have fun.”
“……”
“Still, if you feel wronged for not being able to do anything, I said it before, right? Get him drunk and pounce on him.”
“Pfft. Say something that makes sense!”
Even hearing it for the second time, it was still nonsense.
“If something like that really happens…… I’m a snail.”
“What?”
Choi Jihwan frowned. At that expression, I burst out laughing for the first time in a while.
“I’m saying it’s that ridiculous. There’s no way something like that would happen between hyung-nim and me.”
I didn’t really want to go on a blind date and meet someone new. Honestly, it was an impulsive decision made out of feeling wronged and rebellious.
Because hyung-nim said so. Because he told me to meet people my age. Because he told me to meet a good person. Because he said it so indifferently, not knowing my feelings.
It was a resolution that from now on, I wouldn’t keep my devotion toward hyung-nim and would try this and that.
Because who knows, completely unexpected things might happen.
