No words came to mind. I looked down at hyung-nim’s face.
Hyung-nim’s eyelashes were long and cast shadows as he closed his eyes. The lines of his nose and lips were perfect.
Since that day, hyung-nim had been worrying about me too.
I thought I hadn’t shown it.
Actually, the reason I’d been struggling these past few days wasn’t because hyung-nim didn’t keep his promise, but because of my feelings for hyung-nim. It seemed like a misunderstanding had occurred.
And toward hyung-nim, who has such caring and warm affection, I harbor such impure desires.
“I’m not angry, hyung-nim. I just have a lot of other worries these days.”
As if relieved by that, hyung-nim chuckled.
“Should I just believe this……”
I wish my heart were pure and clean, but my greed has been far too impure for a long time.
But how could I not covet someone like this?
Just a while ago, I thought I didn’t even wish for love with hyung-nim to come true. I resolved to be satisfied with our precious current relationship. And yet, once greed swelled up, it was hard to easily rein it back in.
I wanted to know whether the condom I saw in hyung-nim’s wallet a few days ago had disappeared or not, how long that condom had been there, and I wanted to act spoiled saying I didn’t want to eat dinner alone.
How long do I have to just watch?
The truth is, I don’t want to bless hyung-nim’s marriage or anything like that…….
I want to confess. I want to do something. I can’t just stay still like this anymore.
‘Hyung-nim, I like you.’
Those words surged up to my throat.
“Hyung-nim, I’m thinking of going to a blind date.”
But I firmly suppressed the rising words and said something else instead.
Hyung-nim’s eyebrows twitched. And his closed eyes slowly opened. Whether from the alcohol or because he had a lot on his mind, hyung-nim’s words and actions were slower than usual.
“You said you wanted me to meet a good person. I wasn’t originally interested in blind dates, but now I’m thinking of trying them.”
I said this while looking at his slowly blinking eyes. Hyung-nim looked like he was lost in thought.
Watching his reaction, I carefully spoke again.
“Or…… should I not go?”
“Mm……”
Still with his eyes closed, hyung-nim turned his body this time and lay facing forward.
Last time, hyung-nim told me not to go on blind dates. I know it was something he said jokingly, like he didn’t know what trouble I might cause.
But today, I thought maybe drunk hyung-nim would, this time too, say the words I wanted to hear. With that expectation, I waited for hyung-nim’s answer.
“No, go ahead.”
And indifferent hyung-nim answered like that.
My heart sank.
“You should try things like that too. You said you have a lot of things you want to try. That’s why you’re living with me.”
“……”
“Of course Hajin should meet a good person too. Not that yellow-haired kid…… meet someone upright like you. That way I can feel at ease too, you puppy.”
Hyung-nim continued speaking with his eyes still closed. His broad shoulders moved regularly, slowly breathing in and out. His heavy body heat was transmitted directly through my knees.
A moment later, hyung-nim’s hand came up slightly. It seemed like he wanted to pat my head, so I lowered my head a bit.
The hand that patted my head a couple times went back down.
“That yellow-haired kid is pretty upright too.”
I forced myself to continue speaking.
“And he has someone he likes.”
“Right, that. I don’t like that either.”
Hyung-nim’s brow furrowed.
“I’m worried you’ll learn strange things. You’re a baby, meet people your age. If later you say you have a lover and bring some twenty-six-year-old……”
I didn’t know he could make such varied expressions even with his eyes closed.
“I don’t even want to think about it.”
His eyes were still closed but his expression became even more severe. It was an expression that seemed displeased at just the thought of me bringing home a twenty-six-year-old lover.
And at those words, I bit my lips hard enough to burst them.
I don’t like a twenty-six-year-old, I like thirty-one-year-old hyung-nim.
My eyes grew hotter and hotter. My entire vision blurred as if tears would pour down with just a touch.
This is so, so frustrating. Right now, I hated hyung-nim most in the world.
I hope hyung-nim loses ten thousand won while walking tomorrow. No, I just wish the world would end. I was continuing such foolish thoughts.
Drip. Finally, a tear fell onto hyung-nim’s face. Precisely on his cheekbone.
Huh……!
The moment I was startled, hyung-nim opened his eyes. His slowly blinking eyes seemed to be trying to identify the liquid that had fallen on his cheek.
After freezing for a moment, I flinched and hurriedly rubbed my eyes.
“Ah, I’m, I’m sleepy. I must have drooled while dozing off.”
“……”
It seemed like hyung-nim was about to say something. I pushed hyung-nim’s head away.
“I’m going to sleep. Please move.”
At the same time as I turned my body, hyung-nim’s head fell onto the sofa cushion with a thud.
I could feel hyung-nim’s bewildered and puzzled gaze, but I couldn’t delay.
Feeling like I’d be caught crying any moment, I hurriedly got up from my seat.
“Hajin……”
“I’m, I’m sorry. Good night, hyung-nim!”
Without looking back, I went into my room. The moment I closed the door with a thud, I leaned against it and slumped down.
What is this, really.
How can you tell me not to like older people?
“Damn it, I really don’t want to cry.”
Miserable feelings welled up inside me.
Never in my life had I wanted to confess so badly. It felt like I was about to reach my limit. If I’d had just a little more courage, I really might have confessed.
“Hng, sniff, huuuung……”
Even so, I ultimately didn’t say it out of fear. Just like I couldn’t properly go to the hospital, I was such a coward and so pathetic.
Buzz. Bzzzz. Buzz. Buzz.
While I was sniffling and crying for a while, my phone on the bed was buzzing away.
My mood was the worst. Of all times, why was my phone ringing now? Unable to stand the annoying vibration sound, I eventually trudged over to the bed.
The source of the vibration was the group chat. The conversation that started about assignment submission status seemed to have flowed into finding people to go to a blind date next Friday evening.
It seemed the alarm was ringing especially loudly because of messages tagging my name.
I clenched my fist tightly then opened it. And I typed a message.
*I’ll go to the blind date.*
When I was talking about blind dates with hyung-nim earlier, I had no intention of going to a blind date at all. So this decision right now was quite an impulsive one.
The moment I sent the message, messages flooded into the group chat simultaneously.
And a different notification appeared at the top of the screen.
**English Lit Choi Jihwan: Are you really going on a blind date? What happened?**
I immediately pressed the notification.
**English Lit Choi Jihwan**
*Are you really going on a blind date? What happened?*
*You said you weren’t going because hyung-nim told you not to?*
When I told Choi Jihwan that, I was in an excited mood. But actually, I know it was something said jokingly as a guardian.
Before that, hyung-nim had already told me to try going on blind dates. He even told me to try dating. Back then, hyung-nim only said what I wanted to hear because he was worried I might grab just anyone I met at a blind date and kiss them.
I stared at Choi Jihwan’s message for a long time, then slowly typed a reply.
*I’ll meet new people if I can.*
*Jihwan-ah, I’m going to stop liking hyung-nim now.*
Even after sending it, I just stared blankly at the screen.
As if he didn’t know what to say, the “typing” indicator appeared but a reply didn’t come easily.
He probably immediately guessed what had happened.
I threw my phone onto the bed. And said calmly to myself.
“……I’m going to stop this one-sided love now.”
Surprisingly, a calm voice came out.
I can’t do this anymore. I failed at unrequited love. Of course, I never even dreamed of succeeding.
“I don’t want to suffer because of unrequited love until the day I die.”
A life where I don’t even know when I’ll die—from now on, I won’t do things like unrequited love.
Because if hyung-nim has someone he loves, I won’t be able to confess even facing the day I die.
Too many things have happened recently. First, I found out hyung-nim isn’t impotent. Not only is he not impotent, he might even have an active sex life.
And today, I even saw him with someone else. The moment I saw that perfectly matched man and woman, I felt like I was finally seeing the barrier between hyung-nim and me right before my eyes.
And in the midst of all that, telling me to meet people my age.
Then I should meet them. I thought anyone younger than hyung-nim would be my age. If so, I should meet that twenty-six-year-old yellow-haired kid.
“Hyung-nim, I won’t love you anymore.”
My darkly sunken heart whispered quietly.
Yes, let’s give up. Let’s stop everything now.
That dawn, I stole the condom from hyung-nim’s wallet. Because I don’t care anymore whether hyung-nim is disappointed in me or not. I might as well really become a wild colt.
Human Lee Hajin decided today to live recklessly and dissolutely until the day he dies.
