Because to hyung-nim, I’ll forever be nothing but the kid from next door.
“But you know.”
Dad propped his chin as if thinking for a moment.
“Now that I think about it, just because he refused the arranged meeting doesn’t mean he’s seeing someone right now. He might just think it’s not the right time yet. There’s no way Jeongwoo isn’t popular, and he doesn’t seem like the type to just go around meeting anyone and everyone, does he?”
“That’s true. But unnie was worried he might be meeting just anyone.”
Mom nodded and said. At those words, I stopped with my chopsticks in mid-air.
“Oh, she’s worried about that? Jeongwoo isn’t the type to carelessly meet people. He’s always been a model attorney who sets an example for our Hajin and Jeongyeon.”
“Right, right.”
Is that really true? If hyung-nim…… is the type who doesn’t carelessly meet people.
“This dad knows because I was exactly like Jeongwoo when I was young. Unless I met someone like your mom to marry, I might have had no interest in dating at all. Yeah, yeah.”
“Look at this man, hohoho.”
“Before I met you, I was someone who went around saying dating was a waste of time!”
They opposed me living on my own, but it seemed like Mom and Dad’s honeymoon phase had returned after I became independent.
Meanwhile, my eyes looking at the two of them had brightened a bit more than before.
The examples I searched for and saw yesterday were too much of a stretch to directly apply to Jeongwoo hyung-nim. Rather, phrases like “the type who doesn’t carelessly meet people” and “a waste of time unless it’s someone to seriously date” that came from the mouths of Mom and Dad, who know Jeongwoo hyung-nim well, stuck in my head.
Then, as Dad said, maybe right now there’s no one beside hyung-nim, and he’s the type who doesn’t bother dating until he feels like seriously seeing someone?
That thing in the wallet yesterday might just be something he put in there in the very, very distant past and forgot about.
Or maybe someone gave it to him and he temporarily put it there. Honestly, hoping hyung-nim was impotent all this time was too greedy of me.
Come to think of it, it really was. Even if hyung-nim isn’t impotent, the condom might be something he hasn’t used in a long time.
“Dad, more rice please!”
From that moment, my appetite suddenly completely returned and I gobbled down two whole bowls of rice with the braised short ribs.
After the meal, I tried to help with the dishes but Mom waved her hands. Instead, she handed me the bag of red ginseng I’d seen earlier.
“Make sure you eat this together at the same time. When you finish it all, I’ll send more, so tell me right away. Hyung won’t say anything, so Hajin, you make sure to tell Mom. Got it?”
“Yes, I’ll come again. Anyway, it’ll be vacation next month.”
“Okay, my son needs to eat well and take the red ginseng like hyung too.”
“I got it. Ugh, it’s heavy.”
The bag in my hands was much heavier than I expected. Even gripping it with both hands, it felt like the strength was draining from my arms.
I left the front door carrying the bag. As I came outside, a cool breeze brushed my cheeks. I took a deep breath and muttered.
“……If I take this to the office, can I see hyung-nim’s face?”
A perfect excuse to visit hyung-nim was held heavily in my hands.
I was the type who didn’t pass up opportunities.
***
Even while riding the bus toward the office, my mind was complicated.
The truth is, I had hoped that the claim Jeongyeon always pushed—”Yoo Jeongwoo is impotent”—was true.
Of course, I’ve physically seen hyung-nim’s thing, but whether it functions or not is something no one from either household has confirmed yet.
And I got jealous just imagining hyung-nim holding another omega in his arms. I was happier when hyung-nim didn’t publicly date anyone and remained impotent in my mind.
But when I recalled the condom in his wallet that could have been there since who knows when, the probability that hyung-nim is “impotent” like Jeongyeon’s speculation would be zero.
What if Dad’s speculation is all wrong?
Like the posts I looked up on the internet, what if hyung-nim is someone who carries condoms around without even having a lover, a slu—, a……
“Ah, I really wish he were impotent. Please, I’d rather he just be impotent……”
For a moment I muttered without even realizing I was on a bus. With both hands clasped tightly together on my knees. That’s how desperate I was.
Of course, it would be a disaster if hyung-nim had someone he was seriously seeing enough to marry.
If he gets married before I even confess…… what will I do? I definitely liked him first before that person. I’m sure of it.
Without even having time to confess, I’d be robbed like that.
Originally, I had a goal I’d postponed until after this semester ended.
[If that day ever comes…… tell J I love him.]
It was a resolution that if I faced my eye condition head-on and I really didn’t have much time left to live, I would confess to hyung-nim.
Even I thought that I could only confess to hyung-nim in an extremely desperate situation where I was backed into a corner.
If that day comes, could I really confess to hyung-nim?
What if it doesn’t come? What if you don’t die, what will you do then, Lee Hajin?
“……Can I seduce him?”
Me? Hyung-nim?
“How do you even seduce someone?”
I scratched my head while muttering blankly. This was also too difficult a problem for me. Should I dance or something, like a peacock courting?
Aside from birds that perform courtship dances, the only method of seduction I knew was what I’d heard from Choi Jihwan.
“Being able to see him every day is a really big advantage. You even live together. Why don’t you just get him drunk, wait for an opportunity, and pounce on him?”
“……!”
“Why? Hyung-nim is an alpha too.”
Actually, until now, I had never once truly thought I “could seduce” hyung-nim. Dating or having sex were also absurd premises.
If it’s really, really a desperate situation, should I try even that method?
“I don’t think it would work at all though……”
Begging for a kiss once or twice was something I could do like a joke. I somehow managed to stay close by using my bucket list as an excuse. It was also true that I’d become able to express my feelings a bit more than before.
But that was only possible because it was within the boundaries that hyung-nim could accept as a younger brother.
“It’s ridiculous, it’s absurd.”
There’s no way someone like hyung-nim, who only set an example for us, would completely fall for me just because I pounced on him.
I had no confidence I’d succeed if I confessed.
Actually, even if it weren’t a terminal illness, I probably wouldn’t confess to hyung-nim.
Because I was afraid of being rejected, afraid that the affectionate hyung-nim would distance himself with a cold face, afraid of losing even our precious current relationship.
I thought I was fine with our current state of being entangled in a form similar to family.
The fact that I postponed a goal like “tell hyung-nim I love him” until this semester because I don’t know what will happen to my fate was all just an excuse in the end.
I didn’t have the courage. From beginning to end.
“And yet what’s the point of being jealous?”
When I won’t even be part of hyung-nim’s five-year plan. As the kid from next door, I didn’t even have enough impact to shake hyung-nim even a little.
Then let’s not be jealous. I was really pathetic these past few days.
If I can’t do anything, there’s no reason to be jealous of the people who passed by hyung-nim’s side, and I have no right to resent hyung-nim for breaking his promise with me.
If hyung-nim marries someone else, how should I react then?
If hyung-nim really gets a good person in the future. Someone he’s dating with marriage in mind, a really good person, and if even then I don’t have the courage to confess to hyung-nim.
“……Then I should bless him like an adult. I’ll be older than I am now anyway.”
My voice trembled, but I repeated it once more.
“Like an adult. With a joyful heart.”
Because all that matters is that hyung-nim is happy.
I comforted myself like that.
But strangely, the more I comforted myself, the more a corner of my chest ached. Could I truly bless hyung-nim’s marriage with sincerity? Someone like me who isn’t a mature adult like hyung-nim.
“……I don’t know.”
I tapped my card and got off the bus, standing in front of a familiar traffic light. The red light was blinking. I held the heavy bag of red ginseng drinks Mom gave me in my arms.
If that happens, I’ll probably look at hyung-nim again from my place as “the kid from next door.”
Every touch with hyung-nim, and our current relationship, was so precious to me.
The light turned green. Even as I stepped forward, a small sigh escaped.
I should try to talk to him again while giving him this. Before hyung-nim notices that I’ve become strange, it was time to act like usual again.
Because I’m the only one who has feelings. Being in pain and being fickle was my burden alone.
With that resolve, I walked while gripping the red ginseng drinks tightly in both hands.
But when I arrived at the office, the scene that filled my vision was hyung-nim talking affectionately with an unfamiliar woman.
