The words Bernard was about to say faded vaguely inside his mouth. Jealousy? He could only think it wasn’t something he should be hearing.
“You really…”
“Does it bother you?”
It was a question with a subtle warmth. Bernard sensed it while watching Rhino’s eyes curve gently. That his innermost feelings had been completely caught by him.
“You can’t even hide your expression…”
“No, that’s—”
“And you can’t keep your hands still either.”
The tightly gripped hand loosened. Rhino leaned his upper body forward a bit more. His voice lowered as if whispering.
“What will you do, getting caught like this every time?”
It was a teasing tone, but hard to argue against. Bernard frowned to see if there were any fox tails behind Rhino. However, there was no way something like a tail would be visible behind Rhino’s back. It was natural. It was natural, but…
“I told you to be careful not to bewitch me.”
Was the Rhino McPherson before his eyes really the same Rhino he knew? Bernard could only look at him with a dumbfounded face because he simply couldn’t believe it.
“And I won’t have a whipped cream cake at my birthday party.”
“Then?”
“Should I have a mousse cake?”
“In this summer?”
“If you want, I’ll freeze it and have it.”
At the absurd words, a faint summer bloomed across Bernard’s face. Rhino smiled silently while watching that season in full bloom. He wanted to make him laugh always. Even if by saying futile words, even if he became a frivolous guy, by his side, always.
“At least on my birthday, I won’t have a whipped cream cake.”
He cut and swallowed the words ‘I won’t have anything you can’t eat’ at the tip of his tongue. The affection he tasted briefly was sweet even though it was his own.
***
What if your close friend actually saw you as more than a friend? Though it was an absurd sentence, Bernard’s every day lately had been like that. Was it a problem that he had shown an ambiguous attitude despite having completely pushed him away once? An unclear relationship with Rhino was continuing halfheartedly. Bernard felt somehow dazed like a person bewitched by a fox, and he felt even more bewildered because this situation didn’t even seem to be Rhino’s best effort.
“You just don’t know, but he’s really a player.”
“But Rhino had no interest in dating.”
“That’s why he’s a player. A guy with no interest in the other person knows exactly what words will make the other person fall head over heels, you know?”
The words a classmate who had worked on a group project together during college days suddenly came to mind, but he shook his head vigorously to chase them away. His hand tying the necktie kept flailing uselessly in the air. As he came to his senses again and tied the knot, Elliot, who had been leaning against the mirror, opened his mouth with a sulky face.
“I want to go too.”
“You agreed to briefly meet Father and Author Orland.”
“But still…”
“Why are you sulking?”
“Because you won’t go with me.”
At the stare, Bernard was utterly speechless. Bernard always accompanied Elliot wherever he went. It was because that natural premise felt unnecessarily burdensome.
“There’s no reason for me to intrude where you’re going.”
“There’s no such thing.”
Bernard gently stroked the cheek of Elliot, who still had a sullen face. Dressed up splendidly, he was planning to attend another gathering with Liam first, then attend Horden’s birthday party late. Originally, Rubens and Elliot would have gone to Horden’s party together, but when Georges Orland asked if they could spare some time, Liam had rashly agreed.
Because of that, Elliot had been in a sulky state since the night before, and when Rubens said he would come pick up Bernard, his mood had thoroughly soured and he had been pestering him to go together for quite a while.
“Have a good time.”
At that greeting, Elliot nodded with a gloomy face, seemingly unable to insist to the end. When Liam’s voice calling from downstairs was heard, he turned around sharply and went down—the sight still looked full of dissatisfaction, but there would be no problem.
While hearing Sarah seeing off Liam and Elliot at the front door, Bernard swallowed dry saliva. Shirt, pants, necktie, shoes. Everything was clothes Rubens had bought. Somehow feeling like he was wearing something too good for him, his solar plexus felt heavy.
When he finished preparing and went downstairs, Sarah was nowhere to be seen. Swallowing bitter emotions, he left the house and noticed a car parked by the roadside. The sight of the man leaning against the car smoking a cigarette had become familiar by now. The summer evening glow was setting beyond Rubens’s shoulder.
“Thank you for today.”
“You wore those glasses again.”
Even though he carefully attached a greeting, the answer that came back was like that. Rubens’s gaze slowly swept over Bernard from top to bottom. He casually stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette, then went around the front of the hood and grabbed the steering wheel. He thought he would ask about Elliot, but seeing that he didn’t bring it up, it seemed Elliot had already told him about his destination. Bernard hesitated for a moment but glanced at him and got in the passenger seat. As if it was the right choice, Rubens didn’t give him a single glance.
It was the same vehicle he had ridden in before. It felt like his blood was running cold, but Bernard tried to breathe slowly while pulling himself together. Though the previous memory stuck stickily to his shoulders, there was nothing good about having a panic attack.
“Did you bring the ring?”
“Ah, that… since I’m wearing a cast, it’s in my pocket. Should I put it on?”
Bernard’s voice asking was hoarse. He acted as if he would put it on immediately if Rubens said so, but his reaction clearly showed he didn’t actually want to do that. Rubens scoffed briefly and tapped the steering wheel lightly with his index finger. He didn’t dislike an opponent whose insides were visible. Just pathetic.
“Keep it in. Horden is excessively interested in people.”
“Is there… anything I should be careful of?”
“There won’t be a problem even if you act however you want. Just don’t make things troublesome.”
How far did the territory of ‘not making things troublesome’ extend? That question rose to his throat, but Bernard wisely swallowed the question. He silently nodded his head, and Rubens’s gaze swept over Bernard’s profile. The car heading out to the suburbs stopped at a signal.
“Um, what about Mr. Roman?”
“It’s not a situation where even a secretary needs to accompany.”
Well, that was true. He asked just in case since he was driving himself, but it was as expected.
“Your necktie is a mess.”
“I had to tie it with one hand…”
“It seems no one tied it for you.”
Bernard couldn’t argue further and shut his mouth. He thought that arguing about it would only earn him more scolding anyway. It was also true that none of his family members had cared about his necktie.
But before the car started, Rubens fumbled at Bernard’s neck. The touch of untying the flipped knot and tying it again didn’t feel like it had any intention, but Bernard thought it was excessive.
“I don’t like unsightly things.”
The necktie, well-tightened without a single twist, hung long below his neck. At Rubens’s words that sounded like talking to himself, Bernard remained silent. The red light changed to green and he didn’t say more and smoothly pressed the accelerator.
Come to think of it, the two of them being like this was strange in itself. He could have told Bernard to come on his own, or he could have had his secretary bring him. But since none of them were questions permitted to Bernard, Bernard could only count his uncomfortable heartbeats.
This reminded him of when he first met Rubens. The moment he had helped him when he almost suffered abuse from Chris, the moment they had clung together in the dim room where even faces were hard to see. Though the brief sweetness might be nothing special, it was such an exception in Bernard’s life that emotions scattered like hail at even trivial sparks.
“…Thank you.”
Even at the faint greeting, he didn’t look back. The car still moved smoothly and Bernard sat with his tension loosened a bit, staring only ahead. Because he felt like if he looked back, he would end up gazing miserably. Until they arrived, there were no more words exchanged between the two. Only Bernard’s queasiness continued.
***
At the party, there was no one who particularly approached Bernard. Bernard stood awkwardly near Rubens, greeting people who extended perfunctory greetings awkwardly and holding a champagne glass. It wasn’t like there was an amazingly grand event just because it was a celebrity’s birthday party, and Horden moved here and there engaging in conversation, and everyone had pleasant expressions.
“What about Elliot?”
“He said he’d be late.”
“Oh dear, I wanted to have a chat.”
“If you have questions, how about his brother?”
“Ah… no, it’s fine.”
The woman who passed over the words with an appropriate smile left. The people who had gathered like clouds around Rubens were consistently making subtle faces and avoiding the spot when conversation with Bernard was suggested. It was natural. Rubens had cleanly dealt with malicious articles about Elliot but left those about Bernard as they were.
The gossip surrounding Bernard swelled rapidly. Since twins who were starkly contrasting opposites despite being twins always tended to arouse low-quality curiosity, everyone was frantic to dig into how ugly and pathetic an existence he was.
Bernard didn’t enjoy the internet so was in the dark about such gossip, and since he was usually accustomed to malice, he just left it alone, but people sensitive to such gossip felt uncomfortable even exchanging a few words with Bernard.
“Oh my. Isn’t this Rubens?”
“My greeting is late, Horden.”
“Cut me some slack. I’m the star today.”
“That nonsense of yours, as always…”
Horden quickly approached through the gaps between dispersing people and held out his hand. Rubens familiarly grasped that hand while showing a magnificent smile. The surrounding gazes concentrated then dispersed repeatedly. Bernard stood like a supporting character watching the two. After all, that person wouldn’t be interested in him either.
“And this is?”
“I’m Bernard Weil.”
When the gaze shifted over, Bernard briefly introduced himself. But as if that alone wasn’t satisfying enough, Horden held out his hand while laughing heartily. When Bernard awkwardly grasped and shook his hand, he attached words with a face full of interest.
“Ah, so this is the rumored twin.”
“What rumor do you mean…”
“There’s a rumor that the brothers both like the same person. Is it true?”
Horden’s brown eyes shone with curiosity. He gripped Bernard’s hand tightly without letting go. At the direct question, people’s gazes pierced like awls.
