“Well…”
“If you’re going to refuse, don’t say anything more.”
Bernard’s mouth snapped shut. At that, Rhino’s expression grew sullen. He too must have thought from the start that Bernard wouldn’t choose him.
“It’s because of work, right?”
“Yeah, he said it would be a good opportunity.”
“Then that’s that. I’ll see you there anyway when I go.”
Rhino, who had sidled closer, carefully pulled Bernard’s shoulder into an embrace. It was almost like a show of possession. One of Dale’s eyebrows shot up, but Rhino didn’t withdraw his hand.
“Then, I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”
“Is there anything I should prepare?”
“Nothing.”
Dale’s answer came half a beat faster. As Bernard awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck feeling embarrassed, Dale added a word as if to explain.
“Please dress so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Well then.”
With those words, Dale left. Bernard stared vacantly at his profile as he turned the car’s steering wheel without hesitation. His face was a mixture of worry and anticipation. Rhino didn’t wake Bernard from his thoughts and lightly wiggled his fingertips that gripped his shoulder. He had become quite accustomed to not having Bernard’s gaze return to him.
‘Do you like that man that much? Are you happy just thinking about seeing him tomorrow?’
Rhino wanted to ask that nasty question but held back and lightly tapped Bernard’s cheek with his index finger. Only then did Bernard, awakening from his reverie, look up at Rhino with round eyes. The dark green irises beyond his glasses looked only beautiful. That’s why it hurt inside.
“Where did you say you weren’t going?”
“I think it was about shopping…”
“Shopping?”
“Elliot went shopping with mother. Probably Mr. Hurt invited them.”
Bernard answered in an uncertain voice. If it wasn’t that, there was nothing else to suspect in the first place. Bernard, who had inserted the key into the house keyhole and turned it, picked up one of the bags he’d set down on the ground. But unable to wait even that moment, Rhino snatched away even the light bag and showed him a sulky face.
“But why does that person come and interrogate you about it?”
“Who knows? I guess it was an occasion I was supposed to attend.”
Bernard’s absence from shopping wasn’t intentional, but he felt somewhat bewildered since he hadn’t expected even a secretary to come and ask about the reason.
“Come in. I’ll make you a sandwich.”
“That secretary is annoying too.”
The two men’s words crossed. While Bernard pondered whether he should agree with Rhino’s grumbling with a blank face or say it was rude, Rhino entered the house without hesitation. Like someone familiar with the interior layout, he went straight to the kitchen without wandering.
“The refrigerator is really empty. What do you even eat to survive? Today everyone left the house empty except you. I’m starting to suspect your family eats out without you.”
“It’s not like that. I was sleeping today, and as for the refrigerator, there just wasn’t timing to go grocery shopping, so it’s empty… Now that I’ve shopped, isn’t it fine?”
“Well, yeah. Thanks to that, it felt like a date and I got a complete benefit.”
At Rhino’s playful words as he stocked the ingredients in the refrigerator, the back of Bernard’s neck quickly grew hot, but he pretended to be indifferent and took out things like strawberry jam and whole grain mustard sauce. While washing his hands and laying out various ingredients on the counter—bread, ham, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, etc.—Rhino slipped in sneakily.
“I told you to sit down.”
“I have more working hands than you right now, though? Look. You have one, I have two.”
Without batting an eye, Rhino took the words and snatched the kitchen knife from Bernard’s right hand. Judging by how he cleanly trimmed the bread edges with swift strokes, his terrible pickiness of not eating bread crusts seemed to persist.
“You still don’t eat bread crusts. Should I make you rusk with those? You eat that well.”
“Well… I ate it because you made it for me. Bread crusts are originally tasteless.”
Rhino generously spread strawberry jam on one side of the bread and shamelessly piled on four slices of cheese. It seemed his words about quitting his diet were truly sincere.
“Is it okay to eat like that?”
“What’s the problem?”
“People who care about their figure don’t eat like that.”
Bernard was the nerd type who was always holed up in the library, not the type who enjoyed exercise. But he knew roughly what kind of diet those guys who were obsessive about exercise to the point of seeming compulsive followed. In fact, when Rhino belonged to the athletic club, he was quite careful about his diet. That’s why Bernard knew well how sinful that bread tower was for an athlete.
“I have a high basal metabolic rate, so it’s not a problem.”
“What if you lose muscle?”
Hmm, after letting out a brief contemplative sound, Rhino quickly grabbed one of the bread slices set aside and ate it. Even when Bernard poked his side asking what he was doing as he gulped down the one with only strawberry jam, he just waved his hand as if he didn’t know.
“I’ll keep the muscles that look good in bed.”
He said something extraordinary in an ordinary tone. At those words, Bernard, who had swallowed wrong for a moment, coughed until his face turned red from choking, but Rhino maintained his shameless expression. Handing him a glass of cold water while stroking Bernard’s back, he muttered, “Getting surprised by this much.” Even at Bernard’s resentful gaze, he just whistled away.
Despite saying words that made one’s heart flutter, Rhino stacked sandwiches as if nothing happened. It was worrying whether he could eat all the sandwiches piling up like a mountain, but he fearlessly added another new sandwich on top. Skillfully transporting the sandwich tower that seemed about to collapse to the dining table and pulling out the chair for Bernard to sit, he looked like a waiter at some restaurant. When Bernard awkwardly sat in the chair, Rhino also naturally took the seat across from him.
“You didn’t forget my birthday is in three weeks.”
“You’ve probably told me about six times so far.”
“You’re coming, right?”
Bernard’s complexion darkened slightly. Rhino didn’t rush for an answer and brought one of the mountain-like pile of sandwiches to his mouth. Watching the sandwich that had been neatly cut in half and stacked disappear like a bite-sized snack somehow felt unreal.
“…Is there any gift you need?”
“You can come empty-handed.”
“How could I do that?”
Bernard’s throat felt tight, so he emptied his water glass for no reason. His face grew completely hot remembering the tie pin he’d given as a gift before. Rhino loved that gift very much, but Bernard felt like he’d given him something insignificant, which bothered him every time.
Rhino seemed to ponder for a moment, then picked up another sandwich. It was the sandwich loaded with cheese as he’d mentioned earlier. The silence lengthened. Only the sound of carbonation bubbles bursting as they clung to the ice could be heard faintly, crackling softly.
But no matter how much Rhino thought about it, nothing particular came to mind. He didn’t have anything he wanted to have in the first place, nor had he ever felt materially lacking. Most things could be solved with a card, and it wasn’t like he had great vanity. So when asked to directly say what gift he wanted to receive, it became difficult to answer.
Since there was nothing he particularly wanted, his thoughts soon branched elsewhere. Thinking to himself about how delicious the sandwich Bernard made was, Rhino took another bite of the sandwich.
The rich cheddar cheese and the flavor of the homemade ham went well together. It was the ham Rhino had sneakily suggested after stopping Bernard from choosing a different ham. The price range’s first digit was different, but he couldn’t give up this ham for the sandwich, so Rhino had stubbornly insisted unnecessarily.
With whole grain mustard sauce spread on butter-grilled bread, the combination that could have been greasy harmonized well. The sweet-and-sour yet pungent flavor made his mouth water. The well-toasted bread crumbled on the tip of his tongue. It smelled of butter. The crispy texture of fresh tomatoes and lettuce with just the right amount of moisture drained was also excellent.
“I should have made more with mustard sauce.”
“Weren’t you thinking about the gift?”
“Well…”
At the reflexive answer, Bernard’s expression turned sour. As if at a loss for words, Rhino’s sentence trailed off.
“Anything you give me is good.”
It was a cliché, but Rhino was sincere. Sipping the cola in his glass, he pondered how to convey his sincerity, but again, no particular method came to mind.
“Does it sound like a lie?”
“…No.”
Rhino could act like a cunning person at any time. Like a worn-out guy, he could say words to shake Bernard and then back out as if that wasn’t his intention. However, Rhino didn’t want to act that way toward Bernard. It was fine to look foolish to him. Sincerity always shines through the most troublesome process, after all.
“I, I believe you, Rhino.”
“I better do well then.”
Those were words sweet as if squeezed from sugar. The fragile words that could crack at the slightest shock were weak, but sufficient to make Rhino snap to attention. Rhino felt as if his mouth was filled with something so sweet it was sticky, so he deliberately gulped down the cola like water. He wanted to freely shower kisses on that face shyly avoiding his gaze, and wanted to say he loved him without any calculation and see a face without shadows.
“Don’t be good to me. Then I’ll really have too much to repay you for.”
“You don’t have to repay me.”
Rhino’s answer was hasty. He wanted to read all the thoughts in that tiny head. Seeing it was a face with many thoughts, wondering what worries had spread again, Rhino hurriedly added an explanation.
“I’ve already forgotten everything I’ve done for you, so I don’t even remember. So there’s nothing to repay. We always just start from zero. Don’t think about repaying.”
“If we start from zero… doesn’t that seem like it’s not good?”
“It is good.”
Rhino tilted his head slightly while resting his chin on his hand. His wheat-colored hair smoothly fell to one side. His gray eyes were so gentle they were just like a spring day.
“Every time I like you too much, I secretly erase things from the ledger one by one.”
At that brightly smiling face, Bernard’s chest felt tight. He took a deep breath secretly from Rhino and clenched and unclenched his fist, when Rhino, unaware of his feelings, laced their fingers together. Very naturally, as if it was nothing. It was something significant enough to startle Bernard, but the person who had laced their fingers seemed indifferent, which somehow felt unfair.
“So, it is good for you.”
It was a tender whisper. The warmth touching him was so gentle that Bernard bit down on his lips, feeling like he might cry a little.
Throughout his life, Bernard had been lonely in many moments. Even though he had family, he sometimes felt left alone in the world, and sometimes thought that feeling such emotions was a luxury. Weren’t there people more unhappy than him? At least he had a home, had family, had a good educational background, so shouldn’t he say he was happy?
‘Because I’m too greedy, because I don’t know satisfaction…’
The moments when he’d whipped himself that way melted away like snow. When with Rhino, Bernard felt like he wasn’t alone in this world. While feeling comforted, he simultaneously hypothesized that he might be a somewhat better person than he thought. Like a balloon that had been floating gaining gravity and landing on Earth.
“Amazing, right?”
“When I only listen to your words, I feel like I’m some incredibly great person.”
“You are a great person.”
At Rhino’s boyish smile, Bernard felt a muffled ripple in a corner of his heart. The person who came deep into the swamp and held his hand was too overwhelming, and too grateful… His nose felt tingly, so he just made a sniffling sound unnecessarily. As Bernard wiggled his fingers and lowered his gaze, Rhino carefully opened his mouth.
“Bernard, you said you believe me. You’re really a great person, but only I know it yet. This is a secret, but I’m secretly telling only you.”
Rhino at times like this was just like a magician. He handed him a spring day he’d never thought of before. Then he overlapped hand over hand so it wouldn’t slip away, firmly grasping the good fortune.
“So don’t let others catch on too much.”
“If they catch on?”
Rhino smiled silently. However, unlike before, it was somehow a smile with teeth. He felt a bit more strength added to their clasped hands.
“I also… get jealous. Curious?”
He whispered very secretly. Just like someone telling a truly amazing secret.
