“Once filming starts, you won’t pull all-nighters, but there will still be days you finish late—should I not come see you on those days? Since you’ll be sleeping, waking you up would be awkward too.”
“Waking me up isn’t the problem… you’re tired, so you should go rest. How can you go to the next day’s filming if you finish late and can’t rest properly? There will be times you have to shoot in the morning right away.”
“A month is so short.”
“……”
“If we can’t match our schedules like that and I can only see you a few times and a month just flies by, that won’t do.”
“…Come if you can. Don’t force yourself to come when you’re tired. I go to bed late anyway and it’s fine, so think about whether you’re okay first.”
“When I see you, all my tiredness goes away. You know that. I endure and film because you’re there. I won’t bother you too much. I can just see your face and go.”
Not once until now had Cha Jeonghan ever been a bother. No matter what or how Cha Jeonghan did things, it was never bothersome at all. Just the fact that I was sharing his time was all good things to me. This time would be the same. Whether it was night or dawn, whenever it was, being able to see Cha Jeonghan’s face, Cha Jeonghan coming to see me—it could never be bothersome to me.
“Okay. Let me know ahead of time on days you’ll be late.”
The words “I’ll wait” tickled my lips. It wasn’t a difficult word or a hard word, but perhaps because hiding and living was so natural and familiar to me, even this trivial word had difficulty crossing the threshold of my lips.
“…I’ll wait.”
It crossed the threshold, but it was a pathetically small voice. Perhaps so small that Cha Jeonghan might not have heard it. Feeling embarrassed for no reason, I took a sip of warm tea and looked at him. Seeing Cha Jeonghan staring intently at me, the warmth the tea had colored spread up to my ears and the back of my neck.
“You’re really pretty.”
“……”
“I don’t want to give you to anyone.”
“……”
“I want to have all of you.”
If I could, I wanted to hide somewhere in this room. I also wanted to bury my face in my hands and avoid Cha Jeonghan’s gaze. I was that embarrassed and my heart was beating too loudly. The sound was so loud, echoing through my entire body, that I felt like Cha Jeonghan must be hearing all of this too.
“But these days I think I’m starting to understand what love is.”
“……”
“It’s wanting only me to see you, right? Wanting only me to have you, not wanting to show you to anyone. Constantly thinking about you, missing you… wanting to kiss you when I see you, wanting to touch you… feeling like I’ll die if you don’t look at me, right?”
“……”
“I can’t say I know for certain. Even when you were my friend, I wanted you to only be close with me, and I didn’t like it when you said you were going to see other friends. Even though we were friends, I’ve thought it would be good if I could lock you up somewhere so you couldn’t go out.”
“…So that really wasn’t a joke?”
“See. You still think that was a joke, so you don’t know my true feelings. I told you before it wasn’t a joke and I wasn’t playing around.”
Cha Jeonghan shook his head and sighed as if to show me, then looked at me with his chin propped up. I wanted to get close to those pretty, smooth eyes I liked.
“Okay…. It wasn’t a joke.”
“I’ll never let you go. I won’t let you get far from my side. I’ll definitely do that. So, Yuhyeon-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
“Love me.”
“……”
“Don’t try to fold up your feelings, don’t try to hide them, and tell me everything too like you did earlier. Like when you said you’d wait. Okay?”
Seeing him ask with a gentle smile, I was so nervous that my voice wouldn’t come out, so I could only barely nod my head. Cha Jeonghan seemed satisfied with even that, grinning and not hiding his pleased expression. The worry of unknown origin in my heart hadn’t completely disappeared, but still, it was a good night because he was smiling.
* * *
Thanks to the cafe being closed on Sundays since it was near offices, I could sleep in a bit late and wake up. Today I planned to go look at a few houses, stop by a bookstore to buy a few books to read, and come back.
I was going to look at a few officetels not too far from the cafe, and if any were decent enough, I planned to sign a contract right away. Being in this room wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t feel like my space, so it was still a bit uncomfortable.
The 27 messages Cha Jeonghan had left said he had an important shoot today and would probably finish around evening, and asked if we could have dinner together and go for a drive. I left him a reply to do well at the shoot and left the cafe.
The three officetels I looked at with the person from the real estate agency weren’t bad, but I couldn’t say they were quite satisfactory for the price. I wondered if my standards had gotten too high from living in the officetel Cha Jeonghan had arranged for me, and I tried to look at them as realistically as possible, but still, the lacking points were too visible.
One place had a lot of motels and such nearby so the atmosphere wasn’t very good, another had been used by the previous resident in such a way that a smell reeking of cigarettes hit me as soon as the door opened. And the last officetel had a bad layout so the space looked too cramped compared to the square footage.
I knew that finding a place wasn’t easy, but seeing them with my own eyes made me think it might really be difficult to find one easily.
I said goodbye to the real estate agent who said they’d contact me when good properties came up, and stopped by a large bookstore nearby. Lunchtime had long passed, but perhaps because I was unsettled about the house, I didn’t feel like eating, so I just went straight to look at books.
I paid for a few novels and a book that was supposed to be good for mind control, went to the cafe on the first floor of the bookstore, ordered a very weak Americano, sat down and read the book I’d bought. The words written in the book that was supposed to be good for mind control were all things I already knew. Things I knew but couldn’t easily put into practice—I kept reading about them and closed the book around the middle. It was because just looking at books and only thinking I should do this didn’t change anything. Thinking was easy, but practice was always too difficult.
“……”
I took a sip of the weak coffee and just looked at the people passing by outside the window. What were they all thinking as they lived? I wanted to read those thoughts at least once. When I had issues with no answers, I sometimes wanted to hear various stories about what thoughts they had, what efforts they made to resolve them.
I kept sighing and felt bored. The day was too long, and even when I thought about what to do, nothing came to mind easily. When I tried to read the book again, it wouldn’t enter my eyes, and I kept blankly staring out the window.
[Jeonghan: Where are you? I’m done, I finished early]
[Jeonghan: I gave my utmost performance to come see you quickly]
[Jeonghan: It’s been a while since I’ll see you when the sun’s out]
At the vibrations suddenly ringing in succession, I checked the messages and it was Cha Jeonghan. Seeing Cha Jeonghan’s messages on a leisurely and unsettling Sunday, I was very glad. I realized anew that I too wasn’t used to spending time alone without Cha Jeonghan.
[I came to buy books at Hanyoung Bookstore and I’m drinking coffee there]
[Jeonghan: The Hanyoung Bookstore near the cafe?]
[Yeah there]
[Jeonghan: They say it’ll take about 30 minutes, I’ll call when I arrive]
[Okay]
At the words that Cha Jeonghan was coming, my somewhat drooped mood improved. I put all the books in the bag and placed the coffee on the tray too. I prepared so I could tidy up and leave right away when the contact came that he’d arrived, and just kept looking at my phone. It wasn’t that I was unsettled about the house—it seemed I had just missed Cha Jeonghan.
When about 20 minutes had passed, at Cha Jeonghan’s call saying he just had to turn the corner, I quickly put the cup on the cleanup stand and went outside. A large van that anyone would think was one celebrities rode in pulled up in front. I skillfully opened the door and climbed inside. As soon as I opened the door and saw Cha Jeonghan’s face, the day that had felt too long started moving at a frighteningly fast speed.
“Hello, Yuhyeon-ssi. It’s nice seeing you often.”
“Hello, hyung.”
“I thought you and Jeonghan had a huge fight because Yuhyeon-ssi said you weren’t working together like before anymore, I was really on edge, but I’m so glad that’s not it.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had been listening to Dongyun hyung’s words, grabbed my hand and brought it over. The moment Cha Jeonghan’s fingers rubbed between my fingers and came in to intertwine, I forgot all the answers I was going to give hyung and wandered for a moment.
“Ah…. We, we don’t fight. There’s nothing to fight about really.”
“Usually when old friends fight, it doesn’t get resolved easily. Because they know each other too well, it’s easy to miss the timing to speak because of pride, and it’s easy to touch on weak points. I really hope you two stay on good terms. Having one friend like that or not makes such a difference.”
“…Yes. We will.”
Cha Jeonghan repeatedly squeezed my hand tightly then released it. When he tightened, our fingers brushed and locked together tightly, and when he released, they rubbed as if slipping out between my fingers. There was no way Dongyun hyung could see, but still, just in case, even when I tried to pull my hand away, Cha Jeonghan stubbornly wouldn’t let go.
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
As I called him quietly and moved to pull my hand away again, Cha Jeonghan just shook his head and put more strength into the hand he was holding. I gave up and had no choice but to go to his place.
Cha Jeonghan only let go of my hand after entering the apartment parking lot and seeing Dongyun hyung get out. My hand attached to my body felt so hot, as if it wasn’t mine. I pressed my hand with my other hand for no reason and followed Cha Jeonghan out of the car.
“I’m going. You two have fun.”
We greeted Dongyun hyung who got back in the car and waved, and watched the van leave the parking lot. Cha Jeonghan grabbed my hand that was watching that rear end and led me toward where his cars were.
“Is that the books you bought?”
