“…Maybe you thought that because you lost a place to lean on.”
It wasn’t exactly something I meant to say out loud, but it wasn’t something I regretted saying either. I hoped Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t misunderstand his feelings by centering them around my love.
“You said that before. That you had no place to lean on. That’s why you didn’t even know how to lean on others.”
“I remember. You hugged me after hearing that. While telling me to relax my body.”
Cha Jeonghan, who stood so upright, couldn’t even relax his body properly. It was because he was always on guard with his body tensed, trying not to collapse alone. When I held him like that and patted his back for a long while, the tension gradually left his shoulders. Only after a long time did Cha Jeonghan lean completely on me with his relaxed body. It wasn’t easy supporting him with his body bigger than mine, but my heart fluttered at fully embracing the weight of the person I loved.
“Maybe you were scared because you can’t do that anymore. What you don’t know might not necessarily be love. Even if we spent the same time together and saw each other, what we feel could be different. If being together made everyone have the same feelings… why would the term ‘unrequited love’ exist in the world?”
A bit of laughter followed my last words. Cha Jeonghan looked at me quietly with a slightly displeased expression.
“…Why?”
“You hope it’s not love?”
“Huh…?”
“Is it best if it just ends like this after loving alone? You seem to want me not to love you. It’s okay to say it might be love. But you, Yuhyeon, keep telling me I’m mistaken right now.”
He hit the nail on the head. He saw right through me too accurately. Of course I’d be happy if that emotion Cha Jeonghan didn’t know, that he was curious about, was love directed at me, but since the possibility of it not being that was greater, I had been thinking from the start that it couldn’t be. I was defending myself. So that I wouldn’t be too hurt even when facing the result that it wasn’t love.
“You’re positive about everything else, but only negative toward me right now.”
“……”
“I don’t want to discuss this with you anymore. I’ll do as I’ve decided.”
“……”
“You can be responsible for your feelings and I’ll be responsible for my decision.”
I didn’t have time to interrupt and tell him not to, wondering when he had thought all this through. Cha Jeonghan pulled his chair a bit closer toward me and brought his body close.
“I told you to look at me.”
“…We’ve been looking at each other until now. It’s late, so hurry and go. Don’t you have a schedule tomorrow? You’ll be starting the drama soon too… You have a lot to prepare for.”
“I’m going to be busy. When I’m busy, even if you want to see me, you won’t be able to see me much. So see me a lot now while you can.”
I turned my face away, afraid we’d get too close, but Cha Jeonghan’s face came close again before me. Just as I was about to stand up, worried my racing heartbeat might be discovered, Cha Jeonghan quickly grabbed my arm and sat me back down. As I sat back in the chair and reflexively turned my head, our eyes met at an excessively close distance.
“Did you do well?”
“…Yeah.”
“Even without me?”
“…Yeah.”
“Really?”
“……”
“I can tell when you’re lying.”
The arm Cha Jeonghan was still holding burned hot. It was so hot I felt like my arm might melt and disappear. I needed to get up and leave again, but I couldn’t move at all. I couldn’t escape his voice and gaze reaching me from so close.
“……”
“……”
He moved a bit closer to me, who hadn’t been doing as well as Cha Jeonghan. The moment our lips were about to touch, I turned my head slightly. Cha Jeonghan raised his hand that wasn’t holding my arm and gently grasped my chin, bringing it back to its original position.
“We’re not friends anymore, right?”
Our lips locked together just like that. As warm lips overlapped and his lips parted, he gently pressed down on my chin he was holding and burrowed between my parted lips, entangling my tongue that had stopped, unable to do this or that. Strength was applied as they tangled together, then when they were gently sucked, tension went to my toes. He wasn’t drunk, and I hadn’t asked for it, yet Cha Jeonghan kissing me first felt so unreal it was like a dream.
“…Haah……”
With the thought that this shouldn’t happen, I pushed his shoulder away. Our locked lips separated, and cool air clung to my lips where heat had fully gathered. The rough breathing audible in my ears poured even closer. The moment our eyes met again, Cha Jeonghan pounced on me like someone desperate. The roughly locked lips were completely pressed together without a single gap, making it impossible to breathe properly.
“Haa… st-stop….”
Even when I pushed him away, we locked together again, and even when I turned my head, he came back toward me and overlapped persistently. At the feeling of him sucking strongly then gently holding and rubbing the tip of my tongue as if to soothe me, in the end, the hand that had been trying to push him away grabbed onto him instead. As his head tilted, our lips opened deeper to each other and locked together. I closed my eyes and focused on his hand stroking down my cheek and on him acting as if he would completely melt the inside of my mouth.
“…Mmh……”
Every time he rubbed the tip of my tongue then sucked it in, my whole body flinched. Cha Jeonghan must have known that I felt good when he did that too, because even when I tried to pull back a little, he lightly bit the tip of my tongue and sucked it in. I wanted to cover my ears, embarrassed by the moaning-like sounds that kept flowing from my throat.
“Haah… haa……”
“Ha….”
After the kiss continued for a long while, I couldn’t hold my breath anymore and pushed him away. Understanding that I was pushing him away because of my breathing, not rejection, Cha Jeonghan obediently stepped back and exhaled a rough breath. My heart was racing so fast and I was so out of breath that tingling sensations spread from my chest like thunder was striking. Before I could even catch my breath, I got up from my seat and quickly moved away from Cha Jeonghan.
“…Go.”
I barely managed to speak and escaped inside the counter, crouching down. My heart was beating too fast to make it to my room. I buried my face on my knees and tried to hold back my ragged breathing. Only after the back of my neck was soaked with cold sweat did my breathing settle.
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
A gentle voice with the rough breathing gone settled down from above my head. I remained crouched with my face buried on my knees and didn’t answer.
“I’ll come again tomorrow. I’ll come tomorrow, the day after, and even when I have schedules, I’ll come after they end.”
“……”
“Noona’s coming back in a month, right? Until then, you’re filling in for her here.”
“……”
“Don’t avoid me for just a month, and meet with me.”
“……”
“Then we’ll get an answer. What I want to do with you, what the final name that will come to us will be.”
“……”
“I’m going. See you tomorrow.”
At the sound of retreating footsteps, I raised my head that had been buried in my knees. I heard the sound of the locked door opening, and soon the sound of the small bell attached to the door rang. I exhaled deeply while facing the perfectly quiet air. The lips that had touched his were still so hot. I bit my lips repeatedly for no reason and stood up. I went to lock the door again and was fastening the lock when a hand suddenly popped out from the car parked outside.
“……”
Cha Jeonghan’s car, which had waved its hand to greet me, finally pulled away from in front of the cafe. I tilted my head trying to see the departing car’s rear end even a little more, then closed my eyes realizing what I was doing.
‘Don’t avoid me for just a month, and meet with me.’
His voice rang chaotically through my head that was as hot as my lips. I lowered my head and pressed my forehead against the cold glass door. A freezing cold energy quickly traveled down from my head, but my lips were still hot. The only clear fact in my complicated mind was just one thing.
“……”
The single fact that I had kissed Cha Jeonghan, who had lost the name of our relationship, neither friend nor lover.
* * *
A call came asking if they could urgently rent out the entire cafe on short notice from 7 PM until closing for an important interview shoot by a famous newspaper company. I’d heard that it was quite common for people to rent the entire cafe for filming and such, so I called noona and she told me the price and how to proceed.
The person who heard it was possible thanked me several times. They said the place they were originally going to use had a problem and they were in a bind when they got a recommendation and contacted me. Hearing their happy voice made me feel good too.
After hanging up, I thought of Cha Jeonghan, who had said he’d come again today. I didn’t know what time he’d come, but if he came at a similar time to yesterday, he wouldn’t even be able to come inside since the interview would be in progress. I thought for a moment about whether I should explain the situation so he wouldn’t make a wasted trip, then gave up. He wasn’t the type who wouldn’t come just because I told him not to.
‘Don’t avoid me for just a month, and meet with me.’
Ever since I heard those words from Cha Jeonghan yesterday, the same words kept circling in my head. The meaning behind his request to meet seemed somehow different from what I was thinking. For me, since my feelings toward him were love, I would think in the direction of excitement, but to Cha Jeonghan, asking to meet probably literally just meant to see each other’s faces every day.
