I tried to stay awake, but the effects of the medicine kicked in and I lost consciousness without realizing it. When I opened my eyes with my body limp as if soaked in fever, it was just past midnight. The shivering from the cold had stopped, but my head still felt like it was splitting and my body remained completely drained.
I forced myself up and pulled out an outer garment to throw on carelessly. I shoved my phone and wallet haphazardly into my pockets and cracked the door open to peek outside—the living room was empty. Thinking he might already be asleep, I carefully stepped into the living room and looked toward Cha Jeonghan’s room to find his bed empty as well. When I listened more carefully, I could hear sounds coming from the bathroom. I took that opportunity to quietly slip out of the house.
If he came to check on me before bed, I’d be caught quickly, but if he’d already been and gone, I wouldn’t be discovered until morning. Either way, it didn’t really matter. I already knew I’d inevitably get caught. That’s the kind of relationship we had with each other. Standing in the most important place in each other’s lives under the name of friendship, observing and understanding each other before anyone else—that kind of relationship. There was no way Cha Jeonghan would fail to notice that I’d left the house.
He’d find it strange, and he might get angry. He might not speak to me until I explained why, or he might be so dumbfounded he couldn’t say anything at all. Even as I ran away from the house alone, wanting to escape from Cha Jeonghan even for a moment, I was imagining Cha Jeonghan’s reactions.
Honestly, I wasn’t feeling well, so I caught a taxi on the main street. As soon as I gave the name of the officetel and leaned back against the seat, my phone vibrated. When I saw Cha Jeonghan’s name—having noticed much faster than I expected—a small breath escaped me. Knowing this wasn’t something that would disappear just by avoiding it, and that it wasn’t something that could just be brushed aside, I endured the vibrations a few times before answering the call. The moment I picked up, Cha Jeonghan’s voice reached my ear.
– Ji Yuhyeon, where are you? Did you just go outside? Why, is something wrong? Did you really leave?
“Yeah, I left.”
– You went outside in your condition? Why. What’s going on.
“I’m going to the officetel to rest…”
– You’re going to the officetel right now…. Hah….
Cha Jeonghan let out a breath as if exasperated and didn’t continue for a moment. I quietly closed my eyes in his silence. My headache was getting worse.
– Why the officetel all of a sudden.
I couldn’t tell him that my thoughts were tangled, that impure emotions kept rising with the fever, that every time he touched me I kept remembering moments I should forget and not recall. I had to say the thing that would anger him most.
“You can’t get sick. Right after tomorrow you’ll be busy nonstop, with interviews and pictorials… How many schedules do you have.”
– So you’re saying that in case I catch your cold, you escaped alone in your condition in the middle of the night while I was showering? You think I’ll thank you? That I’ll say thanks for keeping me from catching a cold?
“…Don’t be angry.”
– Do you really think this makes sense right now? I told you it won’t transfer.
“…I, Jeonghan-ah. From my position, I have no choice. It’s not just me. Dongyun hyung too, and the staff—when someone’s sick, they send someone else in case you catch it. It’s natural. If you really got sick because of me, would I be at ease?”
– So now that you stubbornly ran away like this without saying anything, are you at ease?
Not at all, really not at all. I was uncomfortable, in pain, suffering, uncomfortable again, continuously aching, suffocatingly distressed to the point of agony.
“Yeah, I’m at ease. And when you’re sick, sometimes you want to rest alone. I just want to rest by myself today too.”
Cha Jeonghan didn’t respond to my words at all. Knowing that my saying I wanted to rest alone would hurt him more than saying I might give him my cold, I couldn’t add anything more.
“Jeonghan-ah.”
– …….
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
– …….
“…Did you hang up?”
– No.
“My body feels sluggish… but I’m worried about giving it to you… I keep thinking about it so I can’t rest well. If I told you I was leaving, you wouldn’t let me go… so that’s why.”
– You should have at least brought medicine.
The response that came back wasn’t resentment but worry about me again. I suppressed the urge to cry and looked out the window. Just one more corner and we’d be at the officetel.
“…I took medicine so I’ll just sleep today. I’ll be fine after sleeping.”
– Can I come tomorrow?
“……”
– Do you want to be alone tomorrow too?
“I’ll see how I feel when I wake up…”
– Okay. Did you arrive?
“…Yeah. I’m almost there.”
– Get upstairs as quickly as possible, drink a glass of warm water and go to sleep.
Sometimes he’d act like he hadn’t grown up yet, but at times like this I wondered when our Jeonghan had grown up so much. Before, he would have already left the house and come to the officetel no matter what I said. He wasn’t the type who could suppress everything he wanted to say like this, hide all the emotions he wanted to show, and have such a long phone conversation.
“I will.”
– Go in, then. I’m hanging up.
The moment I got out of the taxi and faced the cold air, his words about hanging up terrified me. It felt like this would be my last phone call with Cha Jeonghan, like I’d never see him again—a strange feeling that kept me frozen in place as I called out to him.
“Jeonghan-ah!”
– What’s wrong? Is something wrong? Are you hurt?
“……”
At his voice full of continued worry about me, a breath burst out of me. The world was spinning, I felt dizzy and just wanted to collapse right here.
– Did you fall? Why aren’t you saying anything. What’s wrong, huh? Yuhyeon-ah.
“…No. I’m okay.”
– You startled me.
“Sorry.”
– You know you should be sorry?
“…I know. I know I did something weird, I know you’re angry. I know you’re holding it in even though you’re angry because I’m sick… I know everything. I’m sorry.”
– ……If you know, then hurry inside, drink warm water, make the room warm and sleep. The place must be cold. Do you have a thick blanket?
At his softened voice, the tip of my nose grew hot. Even though the air was this cold, I could feel so clearly how hot my nose and the corners of my eyes were. Fighting back tears, I entered the officetel and got on the elevator.
“I have a blanket. You bought it for me before.”
– Let me know how you feel when you wake up.
“Okay…. You rest too.”
– I’ll sleep comfortably and to my heart’s content in a house without Ji Yuhyeon. So you sleep well and rest fully somewhere without me, and don’t be sick. I’m really hanging up. Sleep well.
Hearing his “sleep well,” I entered the house. Worried his voice might be drowned out by the sound of the door closing, I deliberately closed the door after he hung up the phone.
I entered the house that had no warmth, as Cha Jeonghan had thought, raised the temperature excessively high so it would warm up, got under the blanket and closed my eyes just like that. Inside my spinning head, Cha Jeonghan’s body heat that still lingered and wouldn’t disappear wandered from my feet without warning, here and there, continuously throwing sparks of emotion.
“……”
He told me to drink warm water before sleeping…. I wanted to do as he said, but I had no strength at all to get up from the bed again and go outside the room. I kept thinking about the warm water Cha Jeonghan had mentioned as I tilted toward a slightly darker place. The air was cold, and my thoughts were hot that night.
When I opened my eyes, it was past noon. I felt like I’d had several dreams but couldn’t remember them well. My head was still a bit heavy and my body felt limp, but at least it wasn’t like dawn when I didn’t have the strength to move a finger. Rather, it felt like my body hurt more from sleeping too long as I slowly sat up. I’d sweated and felt sticky, so I wanted to wash up quickly. If I washed with warm water and came to my senses a bit, my condition would probably be better than yesterday.
Worried I’d get dizzy again if I washed for too long, I just washed with warm water like usual and came out to dry my hair with warm air. Whether the sticky sweat and thoughts clinging to my body had been washed away a bit, my head at least felt less heavy than at dawn. I wondered if this incident could just pass as a slightly different kind of happening.
Going back to bed and lying down carelessly, I looked at my phone lying beside me to find several messages from Cha Jeonghan. The messages that came one by one starting from nine in the morning with about an hour between each were all full of worry about me.
[Jeonghan: Are you feeling better? You’re not cold?]
[Jeonghan: If you’re still really sick let’s really go to the hospital, let me know when you wake up]
[Jeonghan: I’m trying hard not to send too many but it’s difficult. Still sleeping? You’re okay, right?]
[Jeonghan: Send me even just a period when you wake up]
When I read the last message that came 30 minutes ago and replied that I’d woken up and washed, Cha Jeonghan called—either he was in the message window or he’d read it right away. I was surprised by how quickly the call came, surprising even as I looked at it, and hurriedly answered.
“Yeah, Jeonghan-ah.”
– Are you really okay? Did your fever go down? Are you cold?
“Everything’s better than yesterday.”
– That’s a relief. You don’t have anything to eat at home. Being better doesn’t mean you’re well. You need to take more medicine and eat well too. Do you still want to be alone?
