“Stop doing this. I’m telling you I’m not good at refusing anymore.”
Kkotmoa, who refused things he didn’t want to do just fine with a smiling face, said bluntly. I know that Kkotmoa’s inability to refuse well only applies to me.
“That’s good. I thought I’d be hurt if you refused.”
“…I’m not joking, I’m serious. It’s also a bit burdensome.”
“You’re not wavering though?”
“…”
“If anything, at least waver even just one petal for me.”
My flower was too noble and firm, rarely wavering. Even now, after saying he wasn’t good at refusing anymore, he only fidgeted with my hand and didn’t answer my words. My heart was anxious and frustrated, but I could wait as long as needed.
“Even if you only waver one petal to me, I’m wavering down to my roots for you to the point I can barely endure it, so waver more for me.”
“…”
“So when my roots are completely pulled out, you’ll at least look at me out of pity.”
“You must be crazy, really. What are you even saying…”
Kkotmoa, who showed a horrified expression, didn’t speak until we arrived in Seoul. He just squirmed with his head down and a sulky face, only fiddling with my right hand. He fiddled with it so persistently that he’d memorize not only the shape of my nails but even the pattern of my fingerprints at this rate.
These days, I was showing Samyukshippal, who kept going on about meat, that there were various other foods. So after arriving in Seoul today, I took him to a sushi restaurant and fed him a course meal, and it was funny how he burped while patting his belly swollen like a tadpole’s like an old man. True to being an elementary schooler, Samyukshippal focused his attack on crispy tempura and udon rather than fresh, melt-in-your-mouth sashimi and sushi.
The way back to Kkotmoa’s house was noisy. Even though Samyukshippal was chattering alone. The conversation topic was similar to when we went to Yangpyeong. He seemed to really like that girl named Jiwoo or Jiyu.
I parked at the villa and we all got out. In Samyukshippal’s arms was the transforming robot he said he wanted.
“Invincible hyung-ah, I ate deliciously well again today. Thank you for the gift too.”
When I patted the head of the kid bowing so deeply his forehead touched his knees, he slipped into the villa first as if that were a signal. After sending him in first a few days ago, he now displayed the sense to tactfully leave on his own, which was quite commendable.
I was a bit tired from driving after a long time, but looking at Kkotmoa in front of me, I didn’t even feel the fatigue. However, since I said that if my roots were pulled out, wouldn’t he at least look at me out of pity, Kkotmoa had been sulky the whole time. He barely ate dinner, so I don’t know how hard I tried to feed him even one more bite.
“Are you angry about something?”
“…You’re cheesy. And shameless.”
“Hmm, I thought I was affectionate.”
“What?”
“You said you liked that I was affectionate.”
“When was that…”
I didn’t know before how easily Kkotmoa’s face, earlobes, and nape turned red like this. Even though I only looked at him all that time, I didn’t know. If I had known earlier, I would have thought he was much cuter. Perhaps back then I was too busy hiding my feelings to properly see Kkotmoa. Because I suffered from the typical symptoms of unrequited love, being anxious about getting hurt from pointless expectations while thinking “no way.”
Looking back now, it definitely wasn’t unrequited love, though.
“It’s not bragging, but honestly, I’ve never dated before so I don’t really know what I should do to look good to you.”
“What are you going to do by looking good to me?”
“I want to do this and that, there’s a lot I want to do with you.”
“What’s this, and what’s that?”
“Mm… I’ll tell you if you say you’ll let me do them.”
“…You’re really cheesy and shameless.”
“I like you.”
His muttering mouth shut tight. These days, every time I say I like him like this, Kkotmoa firmly shuts his mouth. He presses his lips shut with force as if unspeakable words would pop out if even the slightest gap appeared. That sight is cute, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed.
“I keep liking you more and more every day, I don’t know what to do.”
“…”
“I like you.”
“…Stop saying it.”
“Do you know how amazing Korea’s rote brainwashing education is? If I brainwash you like this every day, someday you’ll recognize my sincerity, trust me, and open your heart to me too.”
“…”
“So I like you, Moa-ya.”
I try to speak in as light a tone as possible because I hope he doesn’t find it burdensome, but every time the words “I like you” come from my mouth, I feel heaviness. It’s a heart I’ve cherished for years, so I can never hide that weight. I’m worried he might get sick of my confessions at this rate, but more than that, I couldn’t ignore the proven effectiveness of rote brainwashing education.
And if I don’t spit out that I like him, the feelings for him piling up inside me might overflow and explode all at once, and Kkotmoa wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“Why do you even like me?”
“Because it’s you?”
“…”
“Yeah, right. Because it’s you.”
The head can’t know what the heart is doing. I just like you because it’s you. As if from the beginning, if I were to like someone, I was designed to like you—because it’s you, because you’re you, that’s why I like you.
“Anyway, you’re not cute at all anymore. You’ve become sly.”
“Is the cute style your type?”
“One Jaea is enough for cute, you know?”
“Then that’s fine. There’s no need for me to be cute too.”
“If only you couldn’t speak. You’ve really become shameless.”
“Do you hate shameless?”
“…I don’t hate it.”
Kkotmoa, red all the way to his forehead, spoke quietly and quickly, barely audible, then disappeared into the villa. His movement was so swift I didn’t have time to catch him. Standing there dazed, I burst into loud laughter. Ah really, every single thing he does is so cute I could die.
He says he doesn’t hate it, doesn’t hate it.
That was enough for now. I still felt there was progress, so I naturally started humming. Since he said he didn’t hate it, now I just had to make him like it. As expected, nothing can match Korea’s rote brainwashing education. The whole drive home, my smile from ear to ear wouldn’t come down.
* * *
These days, even though I was devoting almost all my time to Kkotmoa, I felt an inexplicable sense of dissonance. Even though Kkotmoa seemed to open his heart to me more than before, I felt a strange sense of disconnect. It was frustrating not knowing what the problem was.
“So that’s how I became a CC. You know Eunha is the prettiest and nicest among the new students, right?”
“I don’t know who that is. Is she that pretty and nice?”
“Wow, how can you not know our Eunha? Well, I guess you’re not guilty when you’re suffering looking at that squid face all the time.”
The son of a bitch who was in heat wanting to mate because spring wind entered his nose kept picking on me at every turn. My face absolutely doesn’t resemble a squid, but even though his eyes weren’t normal either so there was no need to listen to a bastard babbling like that, Kkotmoa still lent him an ear. The person I like is too kind, that’s the problem.
“Anyway, so I’m planning to go to our villa in Cheongpyeong this weekend, can’t you skip your part-time job and come with us? I’ll cover all the costs. Anyway, on weekends your aunt looks after Jaea, right?”
“How can I skip my part-time job? Moreover, it’s only on weekends. And I don’t want to interfere with your date.”
“You don’t understand again. We’ve only been dating a short time, so if I ask to go on a trip, I’d seem too much like a punk. So I’ll subtly bring you, Do Hyeondo, and a few others.”
“Subtly?”
“That’s just how I’m saying it. Don’t misunderstand, I swear I have a very, very pure heart that just wants to show Eunha nice things and feed her delicious food. I can really swear. It’s absolutely not like that, absolutely, absolutely, definitely not.”
“…Strong denial is affirmation though.”
As expected, my flower is smart. Where does that look like a pure heart—the fact that he thinks he can hide a black heart by wrapping it in white wrapping paper is proof of ignorance itself. It all shows through, dude.
“Kkotmoa, don’t be like that and come with us, hm? If you go, Do Hyeondo will go, and if Do Hyeondo goes, other girls will join too.”
“…Why would other girls join when Hyeondo is going?”
Only then did I realize the identity of the dissonance.
Kkotmoa hadn’t called my name even once since I apologized. When he calls me “Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim,” he calls my full name without fail, but in moments when he speaks casually and treats me comfortably like before, he never once calls my name. That’s why even though we seemed close, I felt distant. I hadn’t heard even once the affectionate, gentle, soft “Hyeondo-ya” he used to always call me.
“The squid bastard is desperate for you so you don’t know, but surprisingly there are a lot of girls with their eyes on him. Well, I have to respect freedom of taste. Anyway, think about it. Even if he’s a squid, he’s top of the department, and even though he’s somewhat rude and prickly, he’s D Group’s one and only heir, so isn’t it natural there are lots of girls drooling over him?”
“Ah…”
“Huh? What’s this dumb reaction? How did you even get into our school? Don’t tell me you didn’t know? No way, looking at your expression, you really didn’t know. Kkotmoa, you need to have some sense of crisis.”
I don’t know which hospital to take this son of a bitch talking crazy with a flower in his mouth to. Maybe because I’ve heard “squid” so much, it doesn’t hit as hard anymore. Just pathetic. However, I was anxious not knowing what Kkotmoa, who was staring at me intently, was thinking.
“Even if he’s a squid, you think he’s pitiful and look after him well. Among the girls with their eyes on him, you’re still the best, it must be hard looking at that squid face though—ack, fuck, why are you hitting me, you crazy bastard!”
I couldn’t listen anymore. I’m a pacifist who hates violence, but when you don’t know which hospital to take someone to, beating is the medicine. We finished eating anyway, and I wouldn’t use the spoon that touched that filthy mutt’s head anymore, so I freely used my hands.
