Without telling me to wait or sit down, Kkotmoa gathered his clothes and went into the bathroom. Soon, the sound of the shower running could be heard. It was troublesome because I kept having improper thoughts. If I stayed still, I felt like I’d be dominated by indecent thoughts and experience physical changes. Feeling like I needed to focus on something else, I awkwardly unfolded the blanket that was piled in the corner.
After spreading out the blanket, I had nothing to do again. Then I suddenly discovered something familiar on the windowsill. The hundred roses I had gifted him were beautifully drying. Rather than wilted, it felt more like they were being preserved, so the corners of my mouth turned up. The kid who had been a flower shop son must have some superpower to keep flowers from wilting.
“Why are you smiling by yourself, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim?”
Kkotmoa came out wearing a t-shirt with a stretched-out collar and sweatpants with holes in the knees, drying his wet hair with a towel. Only his face, neck, arms, and feet were exposed, yet I couldn’t understand why he looked sexy. I should turn my head before my face turns red, but it wasn’t easy. Then I discovered that the familiar sweatpants were the gym uniform we wore in high school. When Kang Junwoo was wearing his high school gym uniform at the villa in front of school when he was twenty, he looked incredibly pathetic and worthless, but Kkotmoa looked refined and suited even the gym uniform that all our school graduates had worn. Anyway, my list for splurging money grew. I should buy him several sets of training suits.
“I’m going to wash up too.”
“Wait, I’ll give you comfortable clothes. But I don’t know if I have anything that’ll fit you.”
Kkotmoa rummaged through his closet and handed me a t-shirt and sweatpants. Unlike the worn-out clothes Kkotmoa was wearing, the shirt and sweatpants I received were normal products without a stretched-out collar or holes in the knees. They probably weren’t clothes he just wore around the house.
“This is the biggest one I have. The t-shirt is loose so it should fit, but the pants might be a bit short.”
“Okay.”
Being able to wear Kkotmoa’s clothes was an unexpected windfall I hadn’t even thought of. Although it would be a bit uncomfortable, I could just wear my own clothes to sleep like when I was drunk, but I didn’t bother refusing. Just the thought that what had wrapped around Kkotmoa’s soft skin would wrap around solid me made my heart flutter and I almost started humming.
Once I entered the bathroom, I buried my face in Kkotmoa’s clothes like a pervert and breathed in. What a strange thing. Even though he wasn’t the flower shop son anymore, Kkotmoa’s clothes smelled of flowers. A ticklish thought occurred to me—if I wore these, would I smell the same flower scent as Kkotmoa?
When I came out after washing up, Kkotmoa was sitting on the blanket with his back against the wall and his eyes closed. He seemed sleepy from drinking, and it seemed like he was waiting for me. I picked up the laptop I had placed on Samyukshippal’s desk and got on the blanket to sit next to him.
“A gift.”
When I placed the laptop in his arms, Kkotmoa opened his eyes. He looked surprised for a moment, then his expression changed to bewilderment before turning to disbelief.
“This seems too burdensome to receive as a gift, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
“Hubae-nim, it’s only just the beginning, so you can’t be burdened already.”
“…What?”
“I’m going to keep giving you this and that from now on, so you handle it yourself, hubae-nim. If you really hate it, you can throw it away or give it to someone. I’ll be a bit sad, but if that’s what you want to do, it’s okay, Kkotmoa hubae-nim.”
“Even so, this is a bit…”
“I told you, I’m going to splurge money on you.”
Strangely, I was confident that Kkotmoa wouldn’t give it to anyone or throw it away. If it were before, he would have refused gifts without compensation, but during the time we spent apart, he had definitely changed a lot. And I liked even Kkotmoa’s changed appearance. No, I liked it more because he changed. Because it seemed like I could openly splurge money on him now.
“…Don’t say anything if I really throw it away, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
His grumbling lips were pretty. He looked more apologetic than burdened. Since I decided to voluntarily become a sucker anyway, I wished he would demand this and that from me, but it seemed like that would never happen until I died, so I felt a bit disappointed.
“I won’t say anything, I’ll just be sad, hubae-nim.”
“…I’ll accept this, so don’t waste money on me from now on.”
“I’m not spending money because of you, I’m splurging because I like it. Do you think splurging money is just called splurging for no reason? I do it because even the splurging has value. Right now, splurging money is a very useful value to me.”
“Then does Junwoo also have that kind of value…”
“That’s just dog splurging.”
I knew what he wanted to ask, so I quickly cut him off. I couldn’t let him think my noble money splurging was on the same level as that mutt next door’s senseless splurging. There are clearly ranks even in splurging, ranks. As if Kkotmoa had expected my answer, he giggled while holding the laptop.
Actually, I had bought it prepared to be rejected or scolded, but seeing him hug it tightly made me feel warm inside. I’m eager to quickly buy this and that to give him. If it were up to me, I’d want to buy everything he needs starting from a bed all at once, but there would be considerable rejection to that and he’d really feel burdened, so I decided to do it one thing per day. People avoid downpours but don’t avoid drizzle.
“…Thanks. I’ll use it well.”
Like a drizzle, I will soak my flower with me.
This was the second time I was lying side by side with Kkotmoa under one blanket while completely sober. The first time was when I ran to him at midnight one night when I was nineteen. I had hoped that Kkotmoa’s dad would sleep at the hospital often, but until I caused an incident, that never happened again. So like that time, my heart was racing and I was so nervous that even breathing became conscious. Now I was at an age where I knew everything there was to know, and I was an adult with even dark intentions toward him, so I couldn’t help but be more conscious.
How much time had passed since we turned off the lights and lay down? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 30 minutes? 1 hour? Lying still without even checking the time was killing me. I still couldn’t fall asleep with Kkotmoa lying next to me. I now knew that wasn’t because I was picky about where I slept.
How much more time would have to pass before morning came? It was agonizing that I couldn’t even sleep when I was the one who asked to sleep over. Conversely, it was unbearably wonderful that he was lying next to me breathing. I liked it so much that I hoped morning wouldn’t come, and I was so agonized that I hoped morning would come quickly.
“I guess it was a lie that you had dark intentions.”
A murmur like a soliloquy flowed from Kkotmoa, who I thought was asleep. I was so tense that I couldn’t properly hear what he said. When I slightly turned my head, I could faintly see Kkotmoa blinking and looking at the ceiling.
“What? I didn’t hear that properly.”
“If you lay even a fingertip on me, you’re banned from coming to my house, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim with dark intentions.”
“…Hubae-nim, I asked Samyukshippal to come play though?”
“Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, do you know how easily an elementary schooler’s mind changes? Our Jaea is a kid whose mind changes so often that he’s never even had a girlfriend for more than a month. And Jaea is on my side, not yours, you know?”
Was it my imagination that his tone seemed to have thorns? They say the more beautiful the flower, the more thorns it has, but I had never seen thorns on my flower until now. But what if it has some thorns? At most it would only cause wounds. Yet I thought even wounds would be nice. No, I wanted to be wounded. Since he must have received more wounds during the time without me, if I couldn’t turn back time to embrace him, I wanted to feel the same pain to empathize and understand him.
“…Can’t I even just hold your hand?”
“Nope. You can’t, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
I heard a firm answer, but my hand was already moving to the side. I grasped the small hand lying neatly next to his leg in my hand.
“I said you can’t.”
“I’m not holding your hand right now, I’m sending you the energy of the god of sleep. So you can sleep comfortably.”
“That makes no sense…”
“And the god of math makes sense?”
“…”
Kkotmoa, who was so good at talking, firmly shut his mouth. I thought about looking at Kkotmoa once more but decided against it and focused on the warmth filling my hand. I gathered a bit more courage and intertwined our fingers. Our finger joints touched and softness filled in between. Even if he didn’t hold my hand back, he didn’t try to pull away either. For now, just that was enough to satisfy me.
“Sleep well.”
“…You too.”
I didn’t answer because I didn’t think I could sleep well. There’s no way I can sleep when you’re lying next to me and I’m holding hands with our fingers intertwined like this. I wanted to have more time just the two of us, wanted to touch you more. The me from childhood ran away in confusion with the excuse of doing it for you, but now I will be more greedy. Even if it involves indulgence and lust, I won’t turn away from it. Because it’s raw, unpackaged emotion, it’s all the more sincere.
I still want to have my flower entirely to myself alone.
I want to devour everything—each petal, the stem, even the roots.
Around dawn when the sky began to brighten, I looked to the side. Kkotmoa was deeply asleep, breathing evenly and softly. Our intertwined hands remained as they were. I caressed the back of his hand with my thumb and gazed at his face to my heart’s content. His sleeping form was gentler than a baby and more beautiful than an angel.
But just looking wasn’t satisfying. I had tried to approach properly and slowly, but what was the point of all that? When I liked him so much I couldn’t help it, wanted to touch him, wanted to hold him so badly I could die. I wasn’t a high schooler who could be satisfied with just holding hands. I rationalized that it would be okay if I only approached at a speed that wouldn’t startle Kkotmoa.
I carefully withdrew my hand so as not to wake him and sat up. The dim dawn light coming through the window illuminated my flower atmospherically. My flower, who in daylight blooms fully to be bright and cheerful, and at night soaks in moonlight to be pure and graceful, emitted a bewitching and enchanting color at dawn.
I waved my hand several times in front of Kkotmoa’s eyes. He didn’t move at all. I slowly brought my face close to his. I knew I was being cowardly, but I absolutely couldn’t wait until he gave permission. Leaving aside if I didn’t know at all, I already knew how soft and dizzying his lips were when they touched once. I thought he might forgive me just once even if I got caught. If he says he won’t forgive me, I’ll just have to beg—what else can I do when I can’t hold back?
“…”
Very delicately, I covered his lips with mine. I held my breath while enduring my heart trying to leap out. His peach-colored lips were still so sweet that I felt dizzy. If just a simple kiss was this good, I couldn’t even imagine how ecstatic anything beyond would be.
Feeling like I might do something I shouldn’t to a sleeping person at this rate, I struggled to pull my lips away. Thinking of today as D-Day, I gave one more look to the sleeping Kkotmoa before changing my clothes. Then I left through the front door. In the taxi going home, I left him two consecutive messages.
[I’ll come when the flower shop is about to close]
[I have something important to tell you]
I will confess to you today.
