His reddened cheeks were wet with tears. In that state, Ryu Hanyoung hung his head and said.
“Fine…… I, I understand how you feel.”
“……”
“I’m…… sorry.”
I barely held back my expression from contorting by taking a small breath. However, Ryu Hanyoung couldn’t hide his miserable expression. And he staggered past me.
I heard the sound of the door closing behind me with a thud.
Only then did I let out the breath I’d been holding in short bursts. In the end, I heard the words “I’m sorry for liking you” come from Ryu Hanyoung’s mouth. I didn’t want to hear it.
‘Ha……’
Fuck.
The situation is so annoying.
Did I hurt him? ……Of course I hurt him. And I also felt terribly awful for having hurt Ryu Hanyoung.
‘Why did I say it like that……’
I almost clicked my tongue unconsciously but just turned around and entered my room.
On one hand, I felt self-loathing. Because it felt like this had ultimately happened, like I had finally met the ending I wanted to avoid.
‘I should have cut it off from the beginning.’
I had regrets.
* * *
The day we came back from the amusement park and drank with late-night snacks, Ryu Hanyoung got drunk and confessed to me.
“Banye-ya, you’re…… cool. Hehe.”
“……”
“I like……”
“……”
“I like you……”
At the time, I thought it felt too emotional to be just drunken rambling. Especially when he said he liked me, he couldn’t look me straight in the eye even with the influence of alcohol and hung his head down, which made it seem even more so.
Was he testing the waters by pretending to be drunk, or was he really into me and saying this?
Either way, I answered honestly.
“I have no intention of dating, hyung.”
“That’s too much…… Am I, not good enough?”
‘He’s drunk……’
At my answer, Ryu Hanyoung said he was upset and drank more, then suddenly lunged at me. And I just accepted it.
Our warm bodies overlapped, and Ryu Hanyoung climbed onto my thighs as if to kiss me. I stayed still, but Ryu Hanyoung never ended up kissing me. He just held my face with both hands and trembled.
Then he whispered pleadingly.
“Close, close your eyes……”
“I don’t want to.”
“It’s really my wish.”
“What are you going to do if I close them?”
“A kiss……”
I chuckled. Because even the bravado he showed while drunk seemed so like Ryu Hanyoung.
Ryu Hanyoung must have thought my laughter was mocking him, because he suddenly lunged at me, making his earlier hesitation seem pointless. This time too, I didn’t avoid him.
But the place Ryu Hanyoung bit was unexpected. Not my lips, but my nape.
“You’re a pervert.”
“……”
Even at being called a pervert, Ryu Hanyoung’s eyes looking up at me while stubbornly biting my nape were hazy and blank. It was an expression like he didn’t know what he was doing.
I sighed. And I pinched Ryu Hanyoung’s cheek. Only then did Ryu Hanyoung release my nape that had become covered in saliva.
But he kept hugging me while saying.
“I like you…… Banye-ya! Let’s date!”
“……You’re really being difficult, seriously.”
“I’ll be good to you!”
“Ha……”
I said he was being difficult, but it wasn’t really that disgusting. Just…… I felt a bit frustrated that I couldn’t give Ryu Hanyoung the same answer back. Because even with his passionate drunken confession, my heart remained calm.
I placed my hand on Ryu Hanyoung’s chest. I could feel the fierce pounding of his heart in my palm.
When I placed my hand on his chest, Ryu Hanyoung’s breathing became rougher and I could clearly see his face turning bright red.
Right…… This must be what “liking someone” is. Compared to that, I……
‘Even being this close……’
I don’t particularly feel any special emotion. Not just with Ryu Hanyoung, but no one has ever stirred any feelings in me.
What does it mean to like someone? This uneasiness in a corner of my heart that couldn’t nod in the end despite countless confessions……
But Ryu Hanyoung was really a fool. After being dazed and grabbing my hand, what he said was—.
“Can…… can I touch your chest too?”
Just that.
“That’s not what this is about.”
“Hehe……”
But Ryu Hanyoung ignored what I said and reached his hand toward my chest. Since he got very handsy when drunk, I got a bit tired and tried to grab his hand to stop him.
However, before I could do that, Ryu Hanyoung brought his face close first.
Since I couldn’t grab him in time, as if he’d been waiting, he hugged me tightly with his hands and did the absurd act of rubbing his face against my chest. He even drooled.
“Your chest is really big…… I like it……”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Heh……”
I eventually took off my top that had gotten damp. Then I chased Ryu Hanyoung down from the bed.
Fortunately, he was too out of it to crawl back up onto the bed. Ryu Hanyoung kept calling my nickname and then just fell asleep. I also slept from that point on as the alcohol hit me.
Right. It would have been good if we’d only gone that far. The next day when I woke up, he seemed not to remember what he’d done, so I was relieved.
“Huk……”
“……”
I could hear Ryu Hanyoung sniffling beyond the closed door. Honestly speaking, all my attention was focused in that direction.
‘Haah……’
I want to smoke. But if I go out now, I might run into Ryu Hanyoung. So I had no choice but to hole up in my room listening to Ryu Hanyoung crying quietly.
‘……He’s crying for a long time.’
Like a puppy soaked in rain whimpering, it was quite pitiful, but I didn’t go out to comfort him. This kind of emotional sorting has to be finished alone; it’s not something I can help with.
I hoped Ryu Hanyoung would sort out his feelings quickly and return to how he was before. Until he finished sorting out his feelings, I decided to stop paying attention to Ryu Hanyoung.
No, I wanted to stop.
“Uh, uuh……”
Until Ryu Hanyoung, who had been crying for a while, came staggering precariously to the kitchen, barely drank some water and went back in, and soon started making groaning sounds inside his room.
I tried to ignore it until the end, but the groaning sounds weren’t normal, so when I entered the room, Ryu Hanyoung was groaning with a complexion where I couldn’t tell if he’d fallen asleep or lost consciousness.
“……Ha.”
Anything else aside, it was difficult to ignore a sick person.
What is this, is he protesting that I was being cold? I glared at Ryu Hanyoung for a while, but if he was really asleep, he didn’t move at all. Right, he’s not the type of person who could fool anyone by pretending to sleep.
I eventually went to the bathroom and soaked a towel in cold water. Then I grabbed Ryu Hanyoung, who was sweating profusely even after having kicked off all his blankets with his feet, perhaps having a fever.
I didn’t turn on the light in the room in case he woke up. His nape, wet with sweat, shone white in the light flowing in from the living room.
I wiped his face and neck that had gotten damp. Actually, the parts that needed wiping most were the clothed body rather than the exposed areas……
“……”
I held onto Ryu Hanyoung’s clothes for a moment while contemplating. I had no ulterior motives, but if he happened to wake up at that timing…… it would be perfect for misunderstanding.
I glared at the slightly exposed body then let go. Then I made the towel cold again by re-soaking it and placed it on Ryu Hanyoung’s forehead.
After that, I wondered what more I should do.
But unfortunately, there wasn’t much I could do. But I couldn’t coldly leave either, so I brought a chair and sat by the bedside, observing Ryu Hanyoung with what little light came in.
His eyelashes had tears clumped on them from how much he’d cried, and his eyes were swollen. His lips had also gotten a bit puffy, probably from biting them.
‘Ugly.’
Whether crying or laughing, neither is my type, but he still looks much better when smiling. Ryu Hanyoung crying and making a fuss just because he likes me…… is stupid and pitiful.
I flicked Ryu Hanyoung’s cheek. I want to pinch and stretch it hard like this…… but if I do that to a sick person, he’ll wake up. Instead, I fiddled with his fine hair.
This wasn’t the first time I’d seen Ryu Hanyoung sleeping. I’d seen him when he slept carelessly in the living room, when he slept with the lights on, and when he passed out in front of me after drinking.
‘He looks particularly pathetic.’
But today there was something that bothered me at an all-time high level.
I sighed and changed the wet towel and rummaged through the house to find fever medicine. And I woke up Ryu Hanyoung.
“Hyung, wake up. Take medicine before sleeping.”
“Uuh……”
Ryu Hanyoung opened his eyes with difficulty, then flinched in surprise when he saw my face. Then he avoided my hand that I extended to check his fever.
I was offended there, but I didn’t show it and first held out the medicine and water cup.
“Take the medicine. You were groaning all dawn.”
A restless look appeared on Ryu Hanyoung’s face. The familiar face I always saw soon hid behind a sullen expression.
Ryu Hanyoung bit his dry and cracked lips then moved them slightly.
“……I, I’m fine now.”
So, does that mean he wants me to leave?
I tried to swallow the irritation that suddenly surged up inside me as I said.
“I’m telling you to take it.”
“……”
In the end, I somewhat forcefully put the medicine and water in his hands. Ryu Hanyoung, as if he had no choice, took the medicine I handed him and drank the water.
