Eunha’s expression became even more ambiguous. It wasn’t just because it was a question he couldn’t answer. Rather than that…
“Don’t you… have any pride?”
At the words that flowed out inadvertently, Yeonjun blinked his eyes obediently. Then, like an answer, he showed a smile in his pupils. Eunha looked askance with distaste at that clear face that didn’t particularly deny it.
For the past few days, he knew the reason contact had become sparse wasn’t simply because it was exam period. He must have been troubled in various ways. Though he couldn’t define exactly what kind of feelings they were, it wasn’t difficult to guess that he’d roughly tried to put some distance between them this time.
Even knowing that, he cheered him on. It was also true that he hoped he’d become more troubled by it.
And yet, to show signs of welcoming him without hesitation as soon as they met like this. When was it that his heart sank thinking he was being ignored, and now this bothered his nerves in its own way. He thought it would have been better if he’d been a little uncomfortable. Even if he acknowledged him, he wished he wouldn’t show such an easily smiling face.
You might as well hate me. Drop some affection…
“Is being a pushover your constitution?”
When he reproached again, the two eyes facing him deepened even more with laughter.
“Even I think that seems to be the case.”
“Why are you being like this, really?”
“Because I like you.”
“So why do you like me in the first place…”
“Where is there a reason for liking someone, hyung?”
Where is there. Of course…
“……”
He couldn’t continue speaking. Was it because they happened to be inside the university? Hyung, what are you doing? Hyung. Where are you going? Hyung… His past self who had roamed around the department building while saying such things vaguely came to mind.
Eunha, who had a subtly complicated expression, slowly stepped forward. Yeonjun naturally followed alongside him.
“Weren’t you on your way somewhere with your classmates?”
“I told them and came out.”
“You seem to get along well with your classmates.”
Their gazes met. Eunha continued his explanation indifferently.
“I thought you were being bullied… or something like that.”
It seemed not to be the case, so it was content he mentioned comfortably. Yeonjun tilted his head, then eventually turned half a circle and crumpled himself into Eunha’s field of vision. Then he drooped his eyebrows and made a troubled expression. In a way that anyone couldn’t help but feel pity.
“I am being bullied.”
Eunha, who stopped short, nodded to himself inwardly. So he really wasn’t. No need to worry. When he stepped aside and wrinkled his nose, he heard a light laugh from behind his head. Yeonjun followed alongside again.
“So, hyung.”
“……”
“How did you get all the way here?”
“Just taking a walk.”
“Just taking a walk—”
It was a tone that didn’t believe it at all. At the same time, it was a voice that seemed very pleased. Well, it was a situation hard to believe was ‘just.’ To anyone, it would look like he had a purpose for coming. Though he came all the way here while trying to deny it, he knew that denying it in the first place was already tantamount to admitting the opposite.
I shouldn’t have come. Only now was his regret immense. The consequences brought by impulse were belatedly recognized. Eunha rolled his tongue inside his mouth sourly, then spoke with a self-abandoning feeling.
“Are you… doing some kind of push-pull thing?”
After seeing each other every day and then suddenly cutting it off completely, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of emptiness. This was separate from favorable feelings.
“That wasn’t particularly my intention…”
“……”
“I guess you got pulled.”
The voice tinged with laughter somehow grated on him. Eunha ignored the gaze clearly touching him from the side. Then this time Yeonjun laughed with his throat. He couldn’t understand what made him keep showing signs of being in such a good mood.
No, he actually knew. That’s why he wanted to pretend not to know. Because he wanted to turn away from the fact that he himself was the person who contributed to his good mood.
There had been one time before when he was exactly like this. At the lake, when he laid out in succession the information he remembered about him, back then too he’d acted like he couldn’t stand it just like now. Like he was in such a good mood he didn’t know what to do.
Like someone who had heard a confession of liking, like that.
Suddenly the sunlight felt hot. Eunha, who had become dispirited, quietly swallowed a sigh. While suppressing the feelings sprouting roughly, Yeonjun offered an everyday question. Had he eaten? He said he had. He said he’d been on his way to eat just a moment ago. He’d been thinking of briefly eating cafeteria food nearby with his classmates and returning right away.
Eunha answered then he should go eat cafeteria food now. It was an indication of intent to leave this coincidence as just a coincidence. That he wouldn’t do anything more from here.
He felt a gaze but walked stubbornly while fixing his eyes ahead. Eventually it became a gentle downhill slope. A path leading out somewhere from the art college.
When he was about to step forward, Yeonjun grabbed his arm. Seeming to recognize it was an open space on all sides, he gripped a place much higher than his wrist and turned Eunha toward him.
“You’re leaving like this?”
“Yeah. I should finish my walk and go home.”
“That’s disappointing…”
“What do you mean now? And in the first place, you were the one who said you wouldn’t see me until after finals.”
“That’s right. Why did I do that? I want to cancel.”
“…That’s ridiculous. Where is there such a thing?”
“Seeing hyung’s face made me want to.”
It was truly spineless talk. His heart was as fickle as a reed. As expected, he had no pride either.
However, Yeonjun, who seemed like he would cling on forever showing his disappointment, before long obediently let Eunha go. As if it had been a joke. When he stared at him, he raised his shoulders and lowered them.
“Seeing your face makes me so happy… Actually, it’s also true that I don’t have time to go anywhere.”
In his face as he said that, a sharp energy was visible for a moment. It was a face with fatigue subtly melted into it. Academic life seemed to be tough. Well. Who told him to keep slacking off? He should have done well from the start… Instead of nagging as usual, Eunha just carefully captured that tired-looking face in his eyes.
Then, he opened his mouth as if on impulse.
“…I’ll be at the library until evening, so call me if you have time.”
At the words casually delivered as if it were everyday, Yeonjun’s eyes opened slightly wide. An exact gaze immediately pierced down.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“…Just. Because I’m bored.”
It was sincere. He was bored, and there was nothing to do even if he went home. But since you’re acting like you’re dying of disappointment. It didn’t seem bad to hang out for a bit. Because he felt a little pitiful for him who had to work hard at school until night.
That was all.
“If you don’t like that I’m being nice, never mind.”
“I like it so much, hyung.”
Yeonjun, who answered promptly, stealthily met his eyes. Then he burst out laughing.
“But if we’re going to be like this anyway, can’t we just date?”
“…What?”
Eunha, who had frozen for a moment, soon snorted coldly.
“If we’re going to be like this, you say.”
“I don’t really understand what’s different.”
“It’s too different.”
Yeonjun questioned wordlessly. Eunha met those eyes and spoke clearly.
“I don’t like you.”
It was words meant to say it would be troublesome if he mistakenly assumed things. Don’t try to float away by yourself. Take a blow.
However, Yeonjun only curved the corners of his mouth.
“Not even a speck of dust’s worth?”
“……”
“I mean, not in a human sense.”
Eunha swallowed once. As if choosing his words.
“…Yeah. There isn’t.”
He could barely answer. During that brief moment, his throat tightened completely. Like someone who knew it was a ridiculous answer even to himself.
I see, with that short voice mixed with laughter as the end, he turned his back. While roughly nodding to Yeonjun who said he’d contact him, he left the spot. Eunha, who had been walking calmly while trying to empty his head that was trying to become complicated, at some point realized his steps were much more urgent than usual and stopped abruptly as if braking.
Six times.
Eunha, who suddenly recalled the remaining number of dates with him in his confused mind, savored a dismay like despair. Because it suddenly seemed absurd that so many still remained. Whether it was six times or a hundred times, it shouldn’t matter, but he didn’t understand why he felt this way.
Because he really didn’t understand what all of this was about.
Only then did regret properly take shape.
Ah. I shouldn’t have gotten involved, he thought.
