“Sleep deeply. I’ll sober up and reflect on my own.”
“…Okay.”
“Let’s go eat dinner. That Korean table d’hôte restaurant we went to before was delicious. Let’s go eat there. It seems like it’s been a while since we ate.”
“…Yeah. Okay. Let’s eat.”
“Sleep well.”
Cha Jeonghan, who stroked my head once more before leaving, quietly closed the door and went out. I went under the blanket and lay down, wanting to sleep deeply without any thoughts like he said in the room that had turned black like night again.
“……”
When I released strength from my whole body and let out a long breath, strength started draining bit by bit from my head and emotions that had been tense the whole time as well as my body.
“……”
Starting from my head where Cha Jeonghan’s hand touched, various parts of my body he’d touched yesterday started burning. He forgot, but I still couldn’t erase even his body temperature. It would be good to just consider it a simple mistake and move on, but it felt exactly like going back to when I was twenty and kissed Cha Jeonghan for the first time and suffered for a long time. I curled up my body that was burning and coming back to life and closed my eyes deeply. Hoping I could forget all of this even for a moment.
When I opened my eyes, it was all darkness. Not knowing whether it had really become night or it was still day but dark because of the blinds, I tried to raise my body but no strength entered at all.
My head hurt like it would split, and even though I was covered with a blanket, I was cold and my shoulders trembled. It felt similar to when I was sick after kissing Cha Jeonghan for the first time at twenty, so I laughed emptily. Because I didn’t know I’d be sick like this even after 13 years had passed.
I tried to get up once more, but my head was heavy and my body really had no strength at all, so I gave up and completely sprawled out. The feeling like I was being sucked into the bed repeated several times, then my body curled up because I was too cold.
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
Not long after, the door opened and through it Cha Jeonghan’s careful voice was heard. It seemed like he came to check if I was still sleeping. It seemed almost time to go eat dinner.
“Yuhyeon-ah. Are you sleeping?”
I should answer, but even speaking was hard. I lifted my lips that felt especially heavy.
“Jeonghan-ah.”
“Oh, you’re awake? Did you sleep well?”
Cha Jeonghan, who turned on the lamp, sat perched on the bed and looked down at me. His brow furrowed as he examined me briefly. Cha Jeonghan immediately raised his hand and placed it on my forehead.
“Since when have you been like this? You have a fever. Are you sick?”
“A little….”
“You must have overexerted yourself because of me yesterday. Let’s go to the hospital. Let’s go to the emergency room.”
“It’s not that serious. I have medicine at home. If I take that and sleep again, I’ll be fine tomorrow.”
I knew too well why I was sick. I’d sat at the bus stop for quite a while at dawn, and emotions had even clashed mentally, so being sick wasn’t strange.
“What will be fine? What if it gets worse at night?”
“It’s okay…. I want to sleep more. Can you bring me more blankets? I’m a bit cold….”
“Okay. Just a moment.”
Cha Jeonghan, who quickly got up and left the room, soon brought a thicker blanket and covered me with it. The feeling of the deep inside of my body being cold didn’t go away, but still, having more thick blankets on made my body trembling much better.
“I’m sorry…. I can’t go eat dinner.”
“Is dinner the problem right now? Why are you apologizing?”
“You wouldn’t have eaten anything all day. You must be hungry….”
“Ji Yuhyeon. Is that important right now? Sleep a bit. I’ll buy porridge and medicine.”
“No. You don’t have to go out.”
“What do you mean I don’t have to? Stay alone for a bit. I’ll go and come back quickly.”
Cha Jeonghan, who covered me well with the blanket, left the room. I wanted to say again that he didn’t need to go outside because of me, but honestly I didn’t have the energy to convey those words. It felt like sleep somewhere deep down kept pulling me.
When I briefly fell asleep again and woke up, I heard footsteps outside. Still, fortunately it wasn’t as cold as before. The footsteps that had been going back and forth got closer to the room. I raised my body while watching Cha Jeonghan enter carrying something on a bed table. Unlike before when no strength entered at all, now I could at least sit up.
“Lie down. I’ll do it.”
“It’s okay. What’s all that?”
“Porridge and, um, lemon tea and I bought medicine too. Eat this first. You need to eat to take medicine and sleep again. I brought warm water too.”
“…Thank you.”
“What’s there to thank? Of course I should do this. I bought abalone porridge—will you eat this? I bought pumpkin porridge too in case you didn’t like it.”
“I’ll eat this. What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me and eat quickly.”
Honestly I had no appetite, but not wanting to upset Cha Jeonghan who went out and bought porridge himself, I picked up the spoon and ate a few bites of porridge bit by bit. Whether I was really sick, I couldn’t taste well and the food smell felt a bit nauseating, so I felt sorry I could only swallow barely five spoonfuls.
“I’ll clear this. When you’re sick, you naturally have a weak stomach.”
Cha Jeonghan quickly cleared the porridge and placed lemon tea in front of me. Fortunately, because it was sweet and sour, the warm lemon tea was much better to drink.
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah…. It’s delicious.”
“That’s a relief. After you have that and some time passes, take medicine and sleep deeply. Fortunately there’s no schedule tomorrow either. Even if there was, I’d have to cancel it.”
“It’s not even that serious.”
“Still, how can I go anywhere leaving you sick?”
“……”
“When you’re sick, I really can’t do anything. I only think of you.”
Seventeen-year-old Cha Jeonghan wavered briefly over his face. Other than wearing a school uniform and feeling closer to a boy than an adult, not much had changed.
‘Even at home, I can’t do anything because I’m worried about you.’
I fell for Cha Jeonghan that day. I didn’t think I’d fallen in love, but I learned as time passed. That I’d fallen in love while looking at Cha Jeonghan speaking to me that day. And today, after deciding to gradually end my love and getting sick like a fool today…. I helplessly fluttered for Cha Jeonghan again. Could I feel this sweet and affectionate while sick? Cha Jeonghan made everything I thought impossible possible.
“Don’t worry about anything and rest deeply for a few days. You have to eat well and sleep well to get better.”
“…I will. I think I have a cold, so don’t come near me. You’ll catch it.”
“Being together like this won’t make me catch it. And so what if I catch it a bit? Originally they say if you pass it on, you get better quickly.”
The moment I heard Cha Jeonghan’s words, I recalled kissing him yesterday. Recalling how we rubbed tongues with lips locked without a gap, held each other and swallowed mixed saliva down our throats made me unable to meet his eyes. In front of Cha Jeonghan I tried not to think such thoughts at all, and it was usually controlled well, but whether because I was sick or because problems were really starting to appear one by one now, it wasn’t hidden.
“…Who….”
“Hm?”
“Who does this much…. Worries, buys porridge and medicine… it would be enough just buying them. Who says it’s okay even if they catch it?”
“I’m serious. I can catch it. It’s better for me to be sick than you being sick.”
My words were twisted, and his words were straight as they always were. I, who remembered everything until now, was saying words I didn’t need to say to Cha Jeonghan.
“The water got cold. I’ll bring it warm again.”
“Just leave it.”
“You should drink warm water to be good.”
“I’ll just drink it.”
I stubbornly grabbed the cup Cha Jeonghan held and put the medicine placed beside it in my mouth. Cha Jeonghan looked at me drinking the cold water. Seeing eyes that didn’t show any sign of feeling bad even though he could have, I immediately felt sorry.
“…You must think I’m making a fuss even when you’re taking care of me.”
“It’s fine if you know. I’m letting it slide because you’re sick. I’ll clear this and come back.”
Cha Jeonghan, who spoke playfully, grinned and left the room carrying the bed table. It felt exactly like looking at Cha Jeonghan who came to my house every day at seventeen and did everything one by one, making me keep feeling like I’d cry. This was why I hated being sick. When sick, following the weakened body, my heart weakened too and I always got swept away by emotions like this. It seemed better to go to the officetel and be alone.
“I’ll be next to you, so sleep deeply.”
“Why stay next to me? You go rest too.”
“You might suddenly get worse.”
“…How can I sleep deeply when you’re watching?”
“I see. Then I’ll leave after watching you sleep.”
“Jeonghan-ah.”
I swallowed my breath briefly, feeling like I’d blurt out words swept by emotion. The fragments of words caught in my heart lost strength and fell down.
“…I’ll sleep alone. If I’m sick, I’ll call you. That works, right?”
Cha Jeonghan looked at me quietly, then reached out his hand. His big, warm hand covered my forehead again. Even though not much time had passed since taking medicine and knowing nothing would have changed much, Cha Jeonghan checked my fever with a worried face, gently covering my forehead and cheeks.
“Be sure to call.”
“Yeah. I will. Don’t worry and you rest too. Eat dinner too…. Don’t skip meals.”
“Okay. I should worry about you being sick, not about my dinner.”
“……”
Because to me, I’m more worried about you skipping meals than me being sick. Words full of emotion again couldn’t rise up and sank down. Cha Jeonghan laid me down and covered me well with the blanket up to my shoulders.
“Should I turn off the lamp?”
“…Yeah.”
“Sleep well. Whether it’s dawn or whenever, if you’re sick, call me right away. If you endure alone because I’m sleeping, I’ll really get angry.”
“Okay. You definitely eat dinner too. If you don’t eat, I’ll get angry too.”
“Ji Yuhyeon, what kind of kid… you’re this kind even when sick.”
Cha Jeonghan, who gently stroked my head, said sleep well again and turned off the lamp. I heard the sound of him going out of the room in the darkness that had completely arrived. When even the light that had briefly arrived from outside the room disappeared, the inside of the room turned completely black like inside my head.
“……”
Whenever it was, all I thought was that I should go to the officetel when Cha Jeonghan fell asleep. In this place I couldn’t be sick as I wanted, and I couldn’t hide the emotions excited by fever that the sickness touched either. I wanted to be alone, perfectly alone. I needed time to be completely isolated and alone even briefly so that thinking of Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t become a sin. If Cha Jeonghan knew I was thinking like this, he’d be disappointed and say absolutely not, but still I wanted to run away from this place.
To a place without Cha Jeonghan.
<To be continued in Volume 2>
