I didn’t like thinking about ‘what ifs,’ but when my head flipped from the shock of facing either side, I would think of the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario of what would have happened if I… had kissed him at Cha Jeonghan’s joke.
“……”
Being pushed away would be natural, and I might have been hit. Thinking that I might have been kicked out, going home regretting why I did that, and hoping all of this was a dream—when I reached that thought, I snapped to attention.
Sober, normal Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t even think he could kiss me. I felt I’d been too sensitive toward Cha Jeonghan, who wouldn’t even know such a thought could exist in the world. It would have been fine to just laugh it off like Cha Jeonghan or lightly push him away saying not to joke around and end it nicely.
“……”
But I couldn’t. Because Cha Jeonghan didn’t remember, but the several moments I did remember remained too vividly.
‘I’m dizzy.’
‘Hold onto me. You’ll fall… Why did you drink so much?’
‘…Yuhyeon-ah.’
The body that was pushed as it tilted, unable to properly maintain balance and covering my body. The memory of that night in warm May when we were twenty.
* * *
While Cha Jeonghan went to an ad shoot, a call came from Dongyun hyung. It was about how actor Seo Jiwoon sunbae from the same agency had suddenly led a gathering of agency actors for dinner this evening. Worry rose in me too at Dongyun hyung’s voice whining that they were bound to get caught since the meeting place happened to be near Cha Jeonghan’s filming location.
Actor Seo Jiwoon was an actor famous mainly for supporting roles. Sometimes called a scene-stealer, he played supporting roles with more weight and impact than the lead. He was ten years older than Cha Jeonghan, and when Cha Jeonghan debuted, he’d given a lot of advice and reassured him he could do well, so Cha Jeonghan tried to listen to actor Seo Jiwoon’s words whenever possible.
If there was one bad thing, it was his strange drinking table manners. He liked watching other people drink more than drinking himself, so he kept filling glasses and made it impossible to avoid. So even Cha Jeonghan, who was quite strong with alcohol, would come back heavily drunk whenever he went to drinking sessions with actor Seo Jiwoon.
Especially, Cha Jeonghan hated becoming disheveled in places with others. Even drunk and out of it, struggling, he would sit up straight to the end and wouldn’t make a single word of mistake that could be used as a weakness. When Dongyun hyung brought such a Cha Jeonghan home and handed him over to me, only then would he relax his body.
“Please tell him to be as careful as possible. Yes. Contact me when you leave tonight. I’ll come down to meet you. Yes.”
After ending the call, worry bigger than before rushed in. Tomorrow had no schedule, but still, for health and to not catch the eyes of possible reporters or fans, I hoped they wouldn’t drink to the point of blacking out. But there was nothing I could do from here. I just hoped and hoped again that actor Seo Jiwoon had changed a bit from last spring.
A little past 1 AM, Dongyun hyung’s contact came saying they were leaving for home now. When I asked about Cha Jeonghan’s condition, he said he seemed okay from the outside, so hope suddenly raised its head that maybe today was okay, but knowing that until now he always seemed fine in the car but became relaxed and disheveled the moment he entered the house, I decided not to expect too much.
About 30 minutes later when I went down to the parking lot, Cha Jeonghan’s van came in not long after and stopped in front of me. I quickly approached as Dongyun hyung got out and opened the back door, and saw Cha Jeonghan leaning against the backrest with his eyes closed. There was a smell of alcohol, but from the outside he just looked like someone who had fallen asleep.
“Jeonghan-ah. We’re here. Let’s go up.”
I leaned my upper body into the car and called Cha Jeonghan, who had his eyes closed. Whether he heard my voice, Cha Jeonghan opened his eyes in the darkness and looked at me.
“Ji Yuhyeon….”
“Yeah, it’s me. We’re here. Let’s get out. Let’s go up and sleep.”
It wasn’t the first time meeting Cha Jeonghan’s eyes looking heavily drunk in the darkness. I pressed down trying not to recall the several memories flashing through my head and held onto Cha Jeonghan and Dongyun hyung as they got out of the car.
“Yuhyeon-ssi can’t do it alone. At this rate you’ll fall together.”
He was standing on his own, but it was too much for me to handle Cha Jeonghan alone, unable to properly control his body and with his eyes closed. I knew that if Cha Jeonghan, approaching 190cm, tilted sharply toward me or if I couldn’t bear the weight, falling would happen in an instant. Right now I had to think first of ‘bad what-if situations’ that could arise as actor Cha Jeonghan’s manager.
“Come up together.”
“Yes, did actor Seo Jiwoon make him drink like this again today?”
“Don’t even mention that name. Last time, whenever it was, early this year when I saw him, he became an even bigger nuisance than a nuisance, and apparently said he wouldn’t end this gathering today unless Jeonghan received as much as he’s doing well since he’s doing so well. Because Jeonghan’s strong with alcohol it’s this much, but when I couldn’t reach him and went in, everyone had run away and only the two of them remained. That Seo Jiwoon guy was perfectly fine. I really saw red. And then he told me to safely take the kid home.”
“From now on we should avoid going to places where actor Seo Jiwoon is as much as possible.”
“Right. We need to avoid him. At this rate only Jeonghan will be in big trouble.”
I knew people don’t change easily, but I’d hoped he’d improved a bit, yet to hear he’d changed for the worse instead left me speechless. I was just full of thoughts that from next time, I absolutely had to prevent him from going to such gatherings.
“Hyung, it’s late so hurry and go. From here I’ll do it alone.”
“Will you be okay?”
“Yes. It’s almost 2 o’clock, so hurry and go rest. You worked hard.”
“Okay then. Be careful going in. If anything happens, contact me right away.”
“Yes, go ahead.”
After bowing to hyung who went back down on the elevator we’d come up on, I tried to straighten up Cha Jeonghan, who was leaning completely against me, but it was impossible to straighten Cha Jeonghan who had started losing strength.
“Jeonghan-ah, can you hear me?”
“……”
“Jeonghan-ah. Cha Jeonghan. We’re all the way home.”
I was in trouble because I couldn’t press the password while holding him with both hands. I leaned Cha Jeonghan against the wall so he could stand, then quickly pressed the password with one hand.
“Let’s go in. We’re here.”
I barely opened the door and pushed it with my foot to hold it, then grabbed Cha Jeonghan with both hands. It was also then that Cha Jeonghan, who had been leaning against the wall, poured onto me.
“Ah…!”
Pushed by Cha Jeonghan’s weight, I stepped back as I was and went inside. The moment the entrance sensor flashed and brightened, the door closed, and I stood leaning my body against the wall, barely embracing Cha Jeonghan who had poured onto me.
“……”
If I moved even slightly wrong, it felt like Cha Jeonghan would fall, so I couldn’t move. I couldn’t loosen my arms, and it felt like something terrible would happen if I moved my body to separate. When I hugged Cha Jeonghan’s waist a bit tighter to hold him as he disheveled almost covering me, Cha Jeonghan let out a low breath as if distressed from the alcohol.
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
Though small, I clearly heard a sound answering me. Still, I felt a bit relieved that communication was still possible.
“Try to… straighten your body. This is home. Let’s go into the room.”
“It tickles……”
Our bodies were completely overlapped in an embracing form, so Cha Jeonghan’s ear was right in front of my eyes. Maybe because I spoke near there, Cha Jeonghan laughed softly saying it tickled. At that laughter shattering small and permeating everywhere in me, I couldn’t laugh at all. At several memories flashing through my head again, I briefly lowered my head and buried my face on Cha Jeonghan’s shoulder.
“…Please just try to stand up straight. We can’t stay like this….”
“It’s warm…”
“Jeonghan-ah, please your body…!”
I clearly pushed away but our bodies overlapped as if meshing more deeply. At the warmth wrapping around my back and waist and the attacking warmth of Cha Jeonghan curling his body, I had no composure at all. When I tried to move but realized I couldn’t budge at all by myself… I also realized Cha Jeonghan was holding me.
“……”
It felt like my heart would shatter. There was no way I could endure beating this fast and violently. The feeling of collapse, as if all the blood in my body rushed to my heart then suddenly dropped down, repeated several times. Like suffering from a severe cold, I had no strength in my body and my vision was blurry. My head became dazed… and I kept wanting to run away.
I should call “Jeonghan-ah,” but only my lips parted—no sound came out at all. I ended up facing those certain days that had completely ransacked and occupied my head, unable to shake them off. Thinking I shouldn’t add another day to those days, I barely gathered my wits, released my arms from Cha Jeonghan, and pushed his body away. Cha Jeonghan, who released his arms without much resistance, lifted his face that had been buried on my shoulder and looked at me.
“…Let’s go in.”
When I separated my body a bit more, Cha Jeonghan pressed his body even closer. Knowing I couldn’t beat him alone in strength or build, I tried to think about what to do, but thoughts just spun around in one place and nothing meaningful came to mind.
“D-do you know who I am?”
“…Ji Yuhyeon.”
Cha Jeonghan slowly closed and opened his eyes, then tilted his head. Light spread sideways from the entrance sensor that detected his movement. Because Cha Jeonghan was covering me, no light could reach my face or body at all.
“Right…. I’m Yuhyeon. So Jeonghan-ah. Let’s go in… let’s go….”
The tilted face came down as it was. Before I could even finish speaking, our lips locked. The moment warm lips overlapped, I was so surprised that breath burst out like a sigh. Cha Jeonghan softly penetrated into my parted lips and held my tongue tip.
