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Cha Jeonghan’s new girlfriend was a model. She was a face I could easily recognize since she often appeared on the bus stop advertisement boards when waiting for the bus, and lately she was frequently showing up in television commercials too. The moment the name Yoo Ajeong came to mind, the woman turned her back to me with a surprised expression, pulling up the mask that had been hanging on her chin.
Women who came to this house and ran into me instead of Cha Jeonghan always got startled and either covered their faces or turned around to call Cha Jeonghan. For them, a scandal was equivalent to downfall, so it was natural, but I didn’t feel great every time I saw people turn pale as if they’d seen a ghost when they saw me.
I watched Yoo Ajeong turn around to call Cha Jeonghan and hid the milk I was holding behind my back. I had rushed out in the middle of organizing the groceries I’d bought, so I ended up bringing the milk all the way out here.
“Oppa, I actually came to surprise you because I thought you were home…. But there’s someone else here instead of you, oppa. Yes? No. I asked my manager oppa to find out for me…. I’m sorry. I wanted to surprise you…. Yes.”
The moment I became ‘someone else,’ the only thought that came to mind was that I needed to quickly sort out this situation and leave here too. I wanted to put this milk in the refrigerator first and get my bag to leave, but she was holding the door so it was awkward to move. I had to uncomfortably listen to Yoo Ajeong’s voice as she talked with Cha Jeonghan with her back turned to me.
“I’m sorry, really.”
Yoo Ajeong, who had received some unknown response from Cha Jeonghan, kept apologizing to him. Until now, people who had come to Cha Jeonghan’s house without an appointment like this had acted in exactly the same pattern. They’d be surprised to see me, call Cha Jeonghan to ask who I was, then apologize. And after hanging up, they’d turn around and greet me. Just like Yoo Ajeong was doing now.
“So you’re oppa’s friend. I didn’t know. I’m late with my greeting. I’m Yoo Ajeong.”
“Yes. Hello. I’m Ji Yuhyeon. I’m Jeonghan’s friend.”
Yoo Ajeong lowered her mask back to her chin and greeted me. Facing her pretty, sparkling smile made me want to leave this place even more. Facing someone who liked Cha Jeonghan was still not something I was used to.
This was already the sixth time I’d introduced myself to people who wanted to become Cha Jeonghan’s girlfriend, or to his actual girlfriend. How long would it take to reach ten times? And who would be the last? Who would be the last person Cha Jeonghan would love with his entire life on the line? I thought about it while looking at Yoo Ajeong’s kind smile, but soon stopped.
Because there was no possibility that last person would be me. There was no need to gnaw away at my emotions unnecessarily.
“Do you live together? I naturally assumed Jeonghan oppa lived alone…. I’m sorry. I surprised you, didn’t I?”
“We don’t live together.”
Actually, I spent more days at this house. On days when people related to Cha Jeonghan came by like this, or on days when I didn’t have plans, I just mostly stayed here. It was because of Cha Jeonghan saying I absolutely had to be here to manage his mental state. For that reason, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say we lived together, but there was no need to tell that to Yoo Ajeong. Because I knew the person listening would be uncomfortable, and I’d look foolish explaining it all in detail.
“I was going to wait for oppa and see him before leaving, but can I wait inside? Since I came all the way here, it would be weird to leave without seeing him.”
“Ah… that’s not something I can decide on my own. I should ask Jeonghan….”
“I just talked to oppa on the phone. He said to wait inside.”
“……Ah. Jeonghan did?”
“Yes.”
At those confident words, I couldn’t help but feel powerless. If she was someone Cha Jeonghan—who hated letting anyone carelessly into his space—had permitted, then this time she wasn’t someone who wanted to be his girlfriend but was actually Cha Jeonghan’s real girlfriend. I stepped aside a bit so Yoo Ajeong could come inside.
Yoo Ajeong lightly bowed to me and came inside, taking off her white sneakers. Watching Yoo Ajeong put on the slippers placed at the entrance and go inside, my heart—which I’d been holding onto thinking things were okay until now—dropped. I wanted to quickly, quickly escape from here.
“Didn’t oppa have no schedule today? He said he didn’t, so that’s why I came…. I secretly asked my manager oppa to find out his schedule.”
“He got a sudden call this morning and went out.”
“Ah…. I see.”
With that conversation, an awkward silence lingered. My head was a mess—whether I should put the milk away first, get my bag, or perhaps serve Yoo Ajeong tea. Watching Yoo Ajeong reading my mood, I realized what I needed to do right now was leave this house.
No matter how much I was a trustworthy close friend who freely came and went from Cha Jeonghan’s house, to Yoo Ajeong I would be a very awkward and uncomfortable presence. There was no way someone who had come all the way to the house in secret without Cha Jeonghan’s permission to do a surprise event would be pleased to run into Cha Jeonghan’s unexpected friend.
I’d finished cleaning and even organized the refrigerator, so now it was really time for me to exit. The seafood stew ingredients I’d bought to make for dinner would be shoved in the refrigerator and either stay there for a few more days or get thrown away, but it couldn’t be helped. I quickly put the milk in the refrigerator and carelessly grabbed my bag that had been on the dining table.
“Then I’ll be going.”
“Ah, you’re leaving?”
“Yes. Don’t come out.”
“Ah… Yes. Take care.”
“Yes.”
I lightly bowed my head to the awkwardly standing Yoo Ajeong and quickly went to the entrance, carelessly shoving my feet into my sneakers. Until the moment I turned the door handle, went outside the house, and got on the elevator, I couldn’t breathe properly even once.
<Going down.>
The moment the elevator doors closed, the breath I’d been holding in the whole time burst out. I should be used to it by now, but I still don’t really know how to be unbothered. The method of not caring, the method of letting it pass thinking ‘that’s just how it is,’ thinking ‘that common thing happened again’…. Will the day ever come when I can just let it pass like that?
“……”
That day when I won’t be jealous, the day when I will eventually give up on you—will it ever come?
In the end, I couldn’t answer this time either.
The bus stop advertisement had changed. I blankly stared at Cha Jeonghan’s face plastered large on the back of the waiting bench for a long while. I heard the sound of bus doors opening behind me. It showed that the bus I needed to take would arrive in one minute, so it was probably my bus that had arrived. Even knowing that, I chose to keep looking at Cha Jeonghan’s face.
It was a face I saw every day, but I couldn’t look at the real Cha Jeonghan existing before my eyes like this. Even when our eyes met, I had to not put any emotion into it, and I always had to consciously look away first, worried he might notice.
It was nice that I could look at Cha Jeonghan in photos, advertisements, dramas, and movies as much as I wanted to. I didn’t have to hide my love, and nothing changed even if I stared blankly for a long time. Maybe it was because I’d never looked at him freely since falling in love with him, but I still froze momentarily when I saw Cha Jeonghan’s face. My body wouldn’t move, my thoughts stopped. I could only look. I could only fill my heart.
“……”
There was no advertisement Cha Jeonghan didn’t look good in, but this coffee advertisement photo taken recently really made me stare every time I saw it. The warmth of Cha Jeonghan leaning on my shoulder, saying he couldn’t sleep because he’d drunk so much coffee during the shoot, still seemed to remain on my right shoulder.
‘I’m tired.’
‘Go lie down at least.’
‘I’m tired but I can’t sleep. My body is exhausted but my mind is wide awake.’
‘How many cups did you drink?’
‘I don’t know. At least ten cups.’
‘Just pretend to drink.’
‘These days they can all tell if I’m just pretending or really drinking. Ah, this won’t do. Let’s watch a movie all night.’
Cha Jeonghan, who chose a boring movie that would make him sleepy right away, leaned his head on my shoulder before long. Cha Jeonghan’s weight and warmth that made my heart flutter so much I couldn’t even breathe. All the moments of that time still clung to me vividly, sparkling.
‘This is bad. I can’t sleep.’
‘It’s because I’m here. I’ll go, so rest.’
‘Where are you going? It’s past midnight.’
The large screen that was the only thing illuminating the darkened living room, lovers looking at each other with affectionate and warm eyes visible in the screen, warmth spreading over my shoulder. I wanted to touch Cha Jeonghan who was saying ‘where are you going’ as if absurd. I wanted to run my hand through his hair, I wanted to caress his face. This is serious, I can’t sleep, and I have a schedule tomorrow too. Let’s go to the bedroom. I’ll put you to sleep. Words tinged with tenderness lingered near my lips, but in the end I couldn’t say them, worried they’d be seen as affection rather than kindness.
“……”
I wanted to lean on Cha Jeonghan too. I wanted to tilt my head onto that warmth leaning on me. But I couldn’t. Because if I did one thing I wanted to do, I’d want to do something else again.
‘You’re not going, right?’
‘……’
‘Hm?’
‘…Yeah.’
Cha Jeonghan’s tired, lowered voice insisting on hearing an answer still clung to my ears. I leaned my body against Cha Jeonghan in the photo where the real Cha Jeonghan wasn’t. I was just leaning against the advertisement board, but it felt strange, as if I’d put my weight on him.
You know what? Every time you tell me not to go, I want to go really far away, and I also want to pull you into an embrace.
“……”
Another bus I should take approached, but I didn’t get on. Leaning against you who was cold and hard, and therefore would never know no matter what emotions I showed.
* * *
