The explanation continued with moisture staining it. He thought he must have been very tired since he’d been drooping the entire screening, but even after the movie ended, he had no thought of waking up. Even when called and grabbed, he just kept going limp endlessly. From that point on, his mind went white…….
It was an exhausted, cracked voice. Eunha listened dazedly to Yeonjun’s voice doing a dry face wash as if suppressing his emotions. He could roughly picture what kind of situation it had been. It seemed that in a state where his fatigue had reached its peak, when the tension released, he momentarily couldn’t control himself and fell into a deep sleep.
That’s why he couldn’t wake up. Having calmly finished grasping the situation, Eunha spat out dry self-mockery.
At the thought that he’d shown every unseemly sight.
He didn’t know what kind of disgrace this was, stopping in the middle of watching a movie perfectly fine. How absurd and bewildering the unexpected situation must have been. The emergency room, no less.
However, Yeonjun was merely showing signs of catching his breath. The fact that his face held a pale light and the whites of his eyes had protruding blood vessels, making him look sensitive, was a little different from usual.
Of course he must have been shocked. Since a person who had been perfectly fine suddenly didn’t wake up. He might have even been traumatized.
He felt uncomfortable thinking he’d caused a fuss over something trivial. That he’d caused needless worry. Eunha made the most nonchalant expression possible.
“Were you shocked?”
“I was really so shocked……”
“It’s okay. It’s nothing.”
“How is it okay? How is this nothing?”
What came back to his casually delivered words was a firm denial, so Eunha, who hesitated, looked at Yeonjun. He who calmly met his gaze had somewhat lukewarm pupils.
At that unexpected reaction different from usual, his lips awkwardly stiffened. Soon, as if hiding his discomfort, he showed a pulled-up corner of his mouth.
“…I’m saying I’m okay, so why are you like that?”
“Because I’m not okay.”
“……”
“If your body wasn’t well, you should have said something, hyung. Instead of coming out to watch a movie.”
It was a precise voice. A clear voice as if that alone was the right answer.
“How can hyung be okay when I’m not okay? It’s your body.”
At those words settling the argument, for a moment, coldness bloomed inside for an unknowable reason. As if a rejection reaction was occurring.
Eunha quietly stared at Yeonjun who only spoke correct words and unknowingly chewed on a thought. I’m saying I’m okay, so what does it have to do with you…….
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because it wasn’t a matter worth mentioning.”
“Right now hyung’s condition……”
“—I was tired, that’s true. So I just slept a little deeply, that’s all. I understand what you’re saying, but, Yeonjun-ah.”
“……”
“It’s not something to take so seriously. It’s nothing……”
“This isn’t serious?”
“Right.”
Eunha, who responded indifferently, chose his words for a moment.
“I’m sorry for shocking you.”
“……You’re sorry?”
Yeonjun creased his eyes. Like someone who heard something difficult to understand. Likewise not understanding why he had such a reaction when he was apologizing, Eunha also had an even more sunken face.
A silence flowed for a moment. In the stillness that seemed like it wouldn’t break easily, Yeonjun, who let out a slow sigh, opened his mouth first as if deflating.
“Hyung, you didn’t just fall asleep, your consciousness shut off from fatigue combined with low blood sugar. Strictly speaking, you fainted. That’s why you couldn’t get up.”
“……”
“Because your physical condition was so bad, even after being moved here, it continued like that.”
“……”
“For several hours.”
At the explanation continuing plainly, Eunha turned his gaze away silently. Because it was an unbearable feeling. He unnecessarily grasped and fidgeted with the blanket covering his legs with his hand. His nerves kept wriggling up.
“Hyung.”
“……”
“This can’t be an okay thing.”
“……”
“You haven’t been sleeping well all this time, right?”
He couldn’t sleep, and even the sleep he did get had a messed-up pattern. Two hours. One hour…… Barely sleeping at dawn and then taking a nap in the afternoon, or not sleeping at all.
He had no appetite so he often skipped meals. Instead, coffee, desserts good for light snacking. Each and every one was an unexceptional daily routine. It wasn’t a big deal, there was nothing problematic about it.
But Eunha knew that it didn’t function as a problem simply because he himself didn’t make it a problem.
That’s why he felt so prickly like this.
Because he actually knew it wasn’t normal. Because while knowing it wasn’t normal, one corner of his mind recognized that he himself, not particularly feeling a sense of crisis, was twisted somewhere.
Because such things wouldn’t be pleasant stories to anyone. Because they couldn’t give comfortable feelings. Because they only planted uncomfortable and dark impressions.
Eunha hated that. He hated becoming heavy. Especially if the subject was himself, even more so.
He wished he wouldn’t look deeply, wished he wouldn’t judge.
Because he felt like he’d become a burden.
Because he could avoid doing so, he didn’t know how the situation had become this way when it hadn’t been that long since he’d considered meetings with new strangers enjoyable.
“……It’s not something for you to worry about.”
He spoke, mustering his last bit of patience. Please. It was a sentence with that word omitted. During that, something suddenly entered his vision clearly.
His sleeves were rolled up wide to insert the IV needle. Along the inside of that upper arm, marks as if thinly scratched multiple times were fully exposed. They were remnants of the past that he couldn’t completely remove despite having scar removal surgery several times at Gu Haebin’s suggestion. They only remained faintly so they were hardly noticeable in dark places, but in bright places like this, they were immediately visible. Because of this, Eunha didn’t wear short-sleeved clothes when going out even in midsummer.
Self-harm, no less. Because it wouldn’t look normal to anyone.
……Did he see? He didn’t know. However, he became unbearably unpleasant and his head heated up. As if a thread snapped, his reason slipped for a moment and indescribable shame climbed up the skin of both arms. Even though it wasn’t the first time showing his scars to others.
Why. Why his arm without permission. No, he knew it couldn’t be helped if treatment was needed, but…….
Eunha, who was somewhat frantically brushing down his arm, pulled out the IV needle with a yank just like that. At the sudden action, Yeonjun stood up from his seat. Eunha got down on the opposite side from him while pulling his sleeves all the way down to his palms. He picked up a cardigan placed in a nearby drawer.
“What are you suddenly……”
“If I’m awake, I should go now. Home.”
“Even so, the needle like this—”
“How did you get here? I drove my car to the movie theater.”
“Hyung.”
“Yeonjun-ah.”
“Hyung.”
“……”
Eunha, who had been pulling the cardigan up to his shoulders, stopped short. Because Yeonjun, who had come around the bed, snatched his wrist.
“Calm down. I understand.”
At that composed tone, unknowable irritation surged up sharply. Eunha, who raised his head, stared at Yeonjun with bloodshot eyes. What do you understand? What are you telling me to calm down about? I’m perfectly fine, I’m not bothered at all. I’m already calm enough. Don’t make a fuss yourself. Who are you? Why do you keep…….
“……”
The thoughts that had been shaking his head like a raging wave were all cut off at once. He had cut them off. Eunha, who had regained control of his unstably wavering emotions, turned his head to the opposite side. He was acting oversensitively. He was making an unnecessarily fussy commotion. There was no need to be like this.
