“I’m going to make bean sprout soup, so Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim should have some hangover soup before you go too.”
His brightly smiling face was the same, but the way he addressed me had completely changed. Nineteen-year-old Kkotmoa, except for when he first learned my name and rounded his lips to say “Do Hyeondo,” had never once attached my surname when addressing me. Because of that, even just from the name alone I had to feel the distance between him and me. Since everything was my fault, I didn’t even have the right to resent anyone.
“Why are you just standing there like an idiot, you bastard. Go wash up.”
Kang Junwoo scolded me in an indifferent tone. In his own way, it seemed he was trying to lighten the mood. But if Kang Junwoo heard the preview, no—ha, fuck, because of that fucking bastard, really—if Kang Junwoo heard my desperate sincerity, then Kkotmoa must have heard it even more clearly, yet he said nothing about it, which hurt a little. I thought that maybe he wanted to treat it as if it never happened. Just from him calling me “Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim” alone, I could feel his state of mind that he had no intention of getting close to me.
“Here’s a new toothbrush and new underwear. New towels are in the bathroom.”
Kkotmoa, who approached me, handed me a new toothbrush and underwear that appeared to have been taken out of a bag. His retreating figure heading back to the sink without hesitation somehow felt cold. Kang Junwoo, who was standing in front of the refrigerator, looked at me and clicked his tongue while shaking his head. I could clearly read “pathetic bastard” written on his face.
I let out a sigh quietly enough not to be heard and first folded the bedding. It seemed like if I didn’t do it, Kkotmoa would. Since I was little, my mom told me that whether it’s a bed or the floor, you clean up your own bedding yourself. At my appearance folding the blanket, Kang Junwoo sneered, “Crazy, you’re still managing your image,” but I ignored him. I just gripped the pillow tightly in my hand for a moment, but I didn’t want to show an ugly side in front of Kkotmoa.
I grabbed the toothbrush and underwear and entered the bathroom. In the toothbrush cup were a purple adult toothbrush presumably belonging to Kkotmoa and a yellow children’s toothbrush presumably belonging to Deonggeori. There was also one adult toothpaste and one strawberry-flavored children’s toothpaste each. On the sink counter, a pink toothbrush that Kang Junwoo must have used was sitting there alone.
So he’s living with just Deonggeori…
Since that kid was five years old then, he’d be ten now. That’s why there were only elementary school things on the desk. I was curious how that fairly handsome tough guy who knew how to hold back his tears for his hyung’s sake had grown. Also, I was curious about where those two dads from that harmonious family were and why he was living with just Deonggeori.
Somehow I had an unpleasant premonition that Kang Junwoo seemed to know about that situation. In the past, I would have asked Kkotmoa in cases like this, but I didn’t have the confidence to ask him when he was still being friendly yet keeping his distance by calling me “Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.” It seemed I’d have to go through Secretary Park. There were many things I was curious about.
As the water beat against my body, I laughed foolishly like a crazy person. Even though he was keeping his distance from me, the fact that we were together in the same space, that I could eat food he cooked, and that I could see him as much as I wanted from now on excited me. Made my heart flutter.
My heart that had stopped at nineteen seemed to have skipped over all the other time and jumped straight to twenty-four. Until yesterday, with a nineteen-year-old’s heart and a nineteen-year-old’s thoughts, I hadn’t even considered approaching him again, but since he appeared first, my heart and head that suddenly jumped to twenty-four rejoiced.
Saying that this might be my last chance, so approach properly this time. That if I couldn’t forget in five years, I wouldn’t be able to forget even if it took another five years. That forgetting first love is impossible. That maybe I’d been taking on the impossible from the start.
“First love doesn’t work out easily, that’s why it’s first love. If it worked out well, that would be your last love, not first love, wouldn’t it?”
Suddenly I recalled a line I saw in a movie. Like this line, Kkotmoa was therefore my first love. During my clumsy and immature days, he took all my heart and made the frightened me have no choice but to run away—my purity and my everything that didn’t think ahead or behind, my first love whose name alone made my heart ache. And I resolved to make my first love into my last love.
When I came out after showering, the house was full of warmth. Perhaps because it was a small studio, it seemed that when the gas stove was used, the temperature of the entire room rose. Bean sprout soup that looked like it would soothe your stomach just by looking at it was placed on a low table. Kang Junwoo was going back and forth, carrying things Kkotmoa gave him to the table. For a guy who wouldn’t lift a finger while being called young master, it was a scene that would make his family faint in shock if they saw it.
“You do the dishes. Kkotmoa cooked, and I set the table.”
Kang Junwoo spoke as he sat down after placing the rice last. Kkotmoa, who had brought water and cups, also took a seat and sat down. At the rectangular table, Kang Junwoo occupied one of the wide sides, and Kkotmoa sat on the narrow side. I’d rather sit on the narrow side myself than make Kkotmoa sit in an uncomfortable place while I sat in a comfortable one.
“Why are you making a fuss sitting there when there’s a wide seat?”
“Mind your own business where I sit. Turn off your interest and just eat your damn food.”
While bickering with Kang Junwoo and trying to move my portion of rice, soup, and utensils, Kkotmoa intervened.
“Sit on the wide side, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim. I left it empty on purpose for you to sit there.”
“……”
Unable to say a word in response, I had no choice but to move seats and sit on the wide side. I just realized why I couldn’t say anything to Kkotmoa. Since he’s using my name with my surname attached and calling me sunbae-nim, sunbae-nim while using formal speech, I don’t know how I should talk. Whether I should use informal speech like before, or whether I should also use awkward formal speech together.
“Hyeondo’s flower, gather it.”
I was in the middle of taking a spoonful of bean sprout soup while pondering alone. I was about to be moved by the fact that he still cooks well when I seemed to have misheard something just now. Kang Junwoo put the space in a weird place and called out to Kkotmoa with strange spacing.
Hyeondo’s flower, pause for 2 seconds, then “gather it.”
I thought I misheard, so I ignored it and looked at Kang Junwoo while taking another spoonful of soup. Kang Junwoo opened his mouth once more with a mischievous expression as if asking if I hadn’t heard. It was the moment when I put the soup in my mouth and was thinking about what the secret to the refreshing soup taste might be.
“Hyeondo’s flower, you should gather it. You’re fucking good at cooking too. The bean sprout soup is fucking refreshing.”
Cough, cough. That crazy bastard, really.
The soup that couldn’t quite go down got caught in my throat, causing coughs to burst out wildly. I silently received the water Kkotmoa handed me and gulped it down while glaring at Kang Junwoo. It meant to stop talking nonsense and just eat. But how could a crazy mad dog bastard understand the signals a person sends?
“What are you looking at? Don’t glare and just eat your damn food. It’s a meal prepared by your flower that you’ve been wanting to see.”
“…Shut up.”
“I thought our Kkotmoa was Kkotmoa because he’s a flower shop son this whole time. Not knowing he’s ‘Hyeondo’s flower, gather.'”
I wanted to die. I sincerely wanted to crawl into a mouse hole. I couldn’t stand my desperate and tender sincerity being condemned by a mere bastard dog like this. Next to the crazy dog bastard calmly eating his damn food, my flower was giggling and eating while pretending not to hear. Opening his small mouth cutely.
Right, even if I die of embarrassment, as long as you’re happy.
Despite the five-year gap, nothing had changed except for the way he addressed me. He still laughed prettily at even trivial things, the fucking bastard still barked tirelessly, and I still liked him so much I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Contrary to my wish to stay in his space a little longer, we had to leave right after having hangover soup. The building where Kkotmoa lived was a fairly expensive luxury villa. Looking at the building’s exterior, I quickly remembered that the owner of this villa was Kang Junwoo. When I threw a look at Kang Junwoo with eyes demanding to know what was going on, Kang Junwoo secretly put his hands together and made a pleading gesture, as if Kkotmoa didn’t know about the building owner.
This villa was what Kang Junwoo’s father bought as a birthday present for Kang Junwoo’s twentieth birthday. I heard that he deliberately gave him a four-story luxury villa near the school as a gift, hoping that Kang Junwoo would graduate safely without causing trouble at school even if it had to be done that way. It was also a place we used as a hangout in our first and second years, to the point where my mom didn’t say much if I said I was sleeping at Kang Junwoo’s villa. I remember that he rented out everything and left only two units on the first floor empty. Kkotmoa was living in one of them.
He was a guy who didn’t like to accept help from others, to the point of refusing the money the teachers collected, so I wondered why he accepted Kang Junwoo’s kindness. Ah, from Kang Junwoo’s reaction, it seemed like Kkotmoa didn’t know. Then it seemed he’d pulled strings behind Kkotmoa’s back.
Kkotmoa disappeared first into a nearby apartment complex, saying he was going to pick up his younger brother, and Kang Junwoo quickly escaped by taxi before I could even grab him by the scruff of his neck. It was silent resistance that he wouldn’t tell me anything about Kkotmoa. I, who had been wavering between informal and formal speech, ended up not saying a single word to Kkotmoa.
On the way home, I instructed Secretary Park to thoroughly investigate Kkotmoa’s past five years without missing anything. I know it’s Saturday, but anyway, there are no weekends for a dedicated secretary who manages both official and private matters. That’s why I pay him twice the salary of others.
If Kkotmoa had any difficulties, I was going to help without delay. Maybe I wanted to lessen the guilt of trampling and desiring his purity that way. It was only when I was a minor that I couldn’t do anything without my parents’ power, that even the smallest help had to go through my parents. At least now I could help anyone entirely with my own power without going through anyone else’s hands. It was also possible to do it secretly so he wouldn’t feel burdened. I had grown that much.
“I’m home.”
“You’re back? I heard you made a scene because you were drunk yesterday?”
My brow furrowed at my mom’s words tinged with laughter. The culprit was obvious without even looking.
“I was just worrying since it was past 11 o’clock and you weren’t answering your phone and weren’t coming home, when Junwoo contacted me. Just how much of a drunken fuss did you make that Junwoo was crying saying he almost died?”
“He’s exaggerating. I slept quietly.”
My mom said something more, but I roughly waved my hand dismissively and went up to my room. My heart was anxious because there was something I needed to handle urgently. As soon as I entered my room, I turned on my laptop and accessed the department system. On my phone was a class schedule I’d taken a photo of secretly in his room without Kkotmoa knowing. I secretly took a picture of the class schedule stuck on the refrigerator before doing the dishes.
There wasn’t a single class that overlapped with mine. Fortunately, the course registration correction period was still remaining. I couldn’t help it with major classes since we were different years, but I corrected my course registration for all the general education courses to match his exactly.
Unlike my original schedule where I only had to go to school three times a week, it became a schedule where I had to go every day from Monday to Friday. There were also many awkwardly floating times between classes. Still, I was proud that there were three courses that overlapped with his. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. In addition to Wednesday and Friday when we were always together, one more day called Monday was added. I hoped the weekend would pass quickly and Monday would come.
Even if it was a deliberately intended encounter disguised as coincidence, even if I had to do it that way, I wanted to see you.
