“Noona?”
“……”
“So you didn’t originally like men either?”
“……It’s not curiosity, or a misconception, or anything like that.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Because it seemed like you were going to.”
“I was exactly planning to.”
Eunha said helplessly. But it was absurd again that he’d been beaten to the punch.
Eunha, who let out a dry chuckle, soon just stroked his crossed forearms, asking what more could he say. Yeonjun, who had been looking down at that face chewing over the absurdity alone with briefly stirring eyes, stepped a bit closer to the side. Until the distance was such that their shoulders might or might not touch.
“Hyung is really……”
“……”
“……You seem like a hyung.”
“I feel like I heard this before.”
Eunha tilted his head as if telling him to explain in detail. Lightly massaging the nape of his neck, Yeonjun turned his gaze far across the street.
“Just, the feeling is like that.”
“What feeling.”
“Something… should I say you seem skilled and mature.”
Eunha laughed with a snort. He didn’t know whether to say it was fortunate that he appeared that way, or whether he should correct that it was entirely your fantasy and delusion.
“If I were really mature, I wouldn’t be doing this with you right now.”
He retorted as if self-deprecating. It felt a bit unfamiliar that while he himself didn’t think that way at all, he appeared that way in someone’s eyes.
Well, everything is relative, I suppose. To his twenty-year-old self too, twenty-six-year-old Kim Jiwoon had seemed tremendously mature and distant.
Perhaps that was the problem, he thinks now looking back.
Because he somehow seemed exceptional in some way, the vague feeling the age gap itself gave was converted into yearning emotions. That sense of distance that seemed hopelessly far only gave anticipation about getting closer instead. With admiration added on top. So that’s why he had such desperately burning unrequited love.
But back then, such cold judgment didn’t settle in. He had no discernment ability. He just became enchanted by what was placed before his eyes and nurtured his feelings. He seemed serious, clearly contrasted with peers who were all similar, and after his admiring heart finally turned into fondness, he increasingly liked him unbearably.
He wanted to date, fantasized about doing so every day, and then when he witnessed him having a friendly conversation with someone else, he would be jealous alone, and depressed…
On days when he happened to exchange words with him, he replayed that moment all night long, and worried every day about how to get closer. When the form of address changed from teaching assistant-nim to hyung, he pretended to be indifferent in front but tears even welled up afterward. Just him being nice once made his heart feel like it would burst. Like he’d become the protagonist of the world. Like he’d become special…
Both his public appearance and actual personality were very kind and careful, but he wasn’t like that in bed. After starting the relationship, in their first experience that took place not long after, Eunha saw blood. It hurt without any good feeling and was just frighteningly jarring. Even when he asked him to stop, he didn’t stop. That unfamiliar side was so flustering and sad, but the warmth of being embraced after the act ended was warm, so he didn’t know what to do and just stayed held. Whispering into his crying ear that it was because he liked him so much, that his excitement couldn’t be controlled… Like a fool, his insides softened at those soothing words.
Looking back now, it’s just disgustingly gross desire.
I was twenty years old then. Only. Only twenty years old.
But even that didn’t seem wrong back then. He believed nothing was wrong. He didn’t know anything. Every time he whispered in his crying ear that he liked hyung, he seemed to just receive a sense of fulfillment from having satisfied him. Ridiculously, he was happy. And then thinking he had to satisfy hyung more. So he had to endure… Perhaps because he learned sex that way, he’s still repeating these fucking pathetic encounters even now. Really like a fucking idiot.
And, also, that hyung…
“Hyung.”
Reality came rushing in as if pulled by the low call. As he came to his senses, the scenery before his eyes was captured in turn in his shaking vision. The pitch-black night sky. The university wall. The narrow path that followed him and continued long. The streetlights lined up at intervals.
He had unconsciously been digging into the past with Kim Jiwoon. Even while being buried in the suffocating difficulty that tightly choked his breath.
The sound of his heartbeat pounded against his eardrums. Eunha, who had been frozen in a chill as if his whole body was cooling down like ice, soon collected his thoughts and calmly returned an answer.
“What.”
“Can I touch you?”
It was an out-of-the-blue question. Enough to make his breath, which was about to become rough without settling down, suddenly sink in deeply.
Eunha looked at Yeonjun, who had stolen his attention. He had hesitant eyes, then lowered his gaze downward as if slightly embarrassed. Eunha, who had unconsciously followed that, could see his own hand and Yeonjun’s hand that were almost touching but not touching.
Hands that had been that way throughout their meeting today. Hands that clasped behind his back, occasionally only going as far as grabbing the sleeve of his forearm. As if touching even slightly would be some great rudeness.
Even if he’d grabbed it without saying anything, he would have just thought so.
What’s the big deal about that.
“…I now have the opportunity to officially seduce you, right, hyung?”
Eunha laughed weakly. Would it be a talent if it’s a talent to make a person endlessly dumbfounded like this?
“What seduction.”
“It’s right, isn’t it.”
“Geez…”
“Isn’t it. You said you’d meet me.”
“Right. So.”
“Then during that time… Can’t I touch you a little?”
“You’re drunk.”
“A little.”
“……”
“Can’t I?”
It was a voice that sounded plaintive like a whine. His drinking capacity is quite low… How much had he drunk at that mansion back then. Thinking indifferently, Eunha raised one arm. Come on, as he dangled his wrist as if presenting it, Yeonjun pulled his neck back slightly and just looked at it. Like someone who still needed more mental preparation.
Eventually he slowly extended his hand. First wrapping the inside of the wrist, then carefully grasping it entirely as is. The thumbprint that touched the tip of the back of his hand briefly rubbed as if stroking the skin. Eunha lowered the arm he’d held up.
They walked with his wrist held. Warm body temperature was transmitted, and the sensation of skin being enclosed without gaps was also vivid.
The sound of a slow sigh being exhaled from the side could be heard. Once, twice. It felt exactly like suffering wearily, so Eunha raised the corner of his mouth obliquely.
No matter how you look at it, it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to do something to me, but just for his own satisfaction…
“Satisfied?”
“Yes……”
Laughter burst out at the honest answer.
“I feel like I’m getting too much of a losing deal.”
Not only meeting him ten times but even allowing him to touch.
He was saying it like a joke, but not knowing about such things, just as if he couldn’t stand it, Yeonjun haphazardly covered his own face completely with his opposite palm. While doing so, he deeply bowed his head and rubbed his face with his fingers as if crumpling it. At that seemingly overwhelmed gesture, words burst out along with a hollow laugh. What are you doing.
What came back was muttering that sounded heavily suffering.
“Because I like it. Really…”
The cool night air passed by his ear. Eunha looked down at the touching parts. His large hand was neatly grasping and holding his wrist. The knuckles that protruded in doing so were reddish. As if the heat inside was leaking out.
He made it seem like he was requesting something significant, so he thought at least he’d hold his hand, but it was funny that it was merely his wrist. It was also funny that this was his reaction from holding a wrist.
Does he not remember that we already slept together?
Eunha, who had become briefly troubled because that incident came to mind, eventually found it funny again. That the clinging hand was hot. That he kept sighing long from the side as if struggling.
It was really funny.
Funny and…
“……”
What else was there. Eunha cut off his thoughts.
