That’s what he’d been agonizing over for a week. He should refuse, but he’d become indebted, and the situation had gotten so tangled that he couldn’t even refuse comfortably—how should he sort this out?
How could he properly reason with this fearless and audacious younger guy to send him back to his own world without any further hurt…
“When I thought about it, I think you were right.”
“……”
“I’m sorry. That’s why I wanted to treat you well today.”
He felt a bit doubtful about whether treating him well was really the right thing to do in the end… But it was also true that the apologetic feelings had continued to linger. Just for today.
“……Today?”
“Yeah.”
“What about after today passes?”
At the unclear question, Eunha set down the glass he’d been holding loosely in his hand. He leaned his body slowly backward and paused while keeping his gaze forward. As if carefully organizing his thoughts.
“Yeonjun-ah.”
At that dry tone finally delivered, Yeonjun wrinkled his nose bridge once in a bland manner. As if he’d now grown displeased with his own name being called that way. It was an attitude that didn’t greatly anticipate what would follow.
“This might sound unpleasant to hear… but I’d rather you were displeased.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t do relationships.”
“……”
“I only have sex.”
“……”
The gaze that had casually reached him at “relationships” immediately became vaguely scattered at that person’s next part. It was a flustered reaction, as if he hadn’t expected that word to suddenly come up. A reaction that clearly showed he had absolutely no immunity to such directly thrown topics.
He felt like he’d seen this kind of look a few times before—why hadn’t he noticed it then? His own biased perspective felt absurd all over again.
Swallowing a hollow laugh that tickled his throat, Eunha extended the main point with an indifferent face.
“That’s the only thing I need from anyone. Partners, one-night stands… things like that.”
“……”
“Actually, I… that’s why my condition isn’t very good today. Because I’ve been pulling all-nighters for several days. No matter how much I lie down, I can’t fall asleep and just stare at the ceiling. Then around when dawn is almost over, I finally fall asleep. And I can’t even sleep properly then. It’s already been about three or four days like this.”
It was the conclusion Eunha had reached after much deliberation. He had to refuse, but if he couldn’t push him away—
“Because there’s no one next to me.”
“……”
“I’m the kind of person who can only fall asleep and feel satisfied when I’m rolling around with just anyone, but with what happened between you and me, my conscience pricks a little if I go wandering around somewhere.”
Wouldn’t it be better to debase myself after all…
“After being cooped up quietly at home for a whole week like that, really… a person becomes haggard. My head hurts a little too.”
The feeling of crumpling one’s own dignity generously before others was more bearable than he’d thought.
However, it was somewhat unpleasant, so he turned his gaze outside the shop’s glass window. Daehak-ro at night had its usual bustling scenery.
“I don’t really know what kind of image I am in your fantasy, but… that’s all I am. Pretty pathetic. What I want, what I want to do—that’s all it is.”
“……”
“I like being that casual. I really, truly have no intention of dating.”
“Why?”
“……”
“Why don’t you date?”
Eunha turned his head toward Yeonjun again. He just had a curious expression on his face.
Over his shoulder, a certain table suddenly caught his eye. It was a couple’s table. People holding one hand intertwined with each other, sharing some affectionate conversation.
Eunha looked down at his glass. He placed a dry smile at the corner of his mouth. The answer was simple.
The answer was simple.
“Because it’s ridiculous.”
The value of what you possess can only be truly known when you’ve lost it. How important it was, or how useless it was.
For Eunha, feelings directed toward someone were the latter. Useless and futile. They were something he didn’t need twice in his life going forward.
Really, never again.
Even without particularly liking someone, even without someone by your side, a person could live just fine.
But, because of mere feelings like that, perhaps a person could—
“Those kind of… emotional games feel a bit ridiculous to me. Of course, I don’t mean other people’s relationships look that way… it’s just how I feel. Like what’s the point of doing it anyway. If I decide to do it, then there’d be many things to worry about in various ways—and I even feel somewhat bothered. It probably would be that way in reality too.”
“……”
“Troublesome, complicated, bothersome…”
“……”
“Compared to that, a relationship with just bodies is convenient, right? At least you don’t have to think.”
“……”
“You can cut it off anytime.”
Eunha lifted the half-remaining glass and lightly took a sip.
“I need that kind of relationship, but you wouldn’t want that kind of relationship, would you?”
“That kind of relationship.”
“A relationship where we only have sex.”
“……”
“Want to?”
He said it like a joke. It wasn’t an actual suggestion, of course. It was just meant to scare him. So he’d quickly realize that he was this low-grade human being who cracked jokes like this.
It was also something he said knowing it was a proposal Yeonjun would absolutely never accept.
As if to prove that, Yeonjun’s brow wrinkled slightly.
Had some of his affection fallen away?
He was gauging with an indifferent expression. He could see people entering the full shop looking to see if there were empty seats. Recognizing this, they glanced at each other for a moment and gradually began tidying up to leave. Eunha naturally finished paying and left the shop first.
Outside, night had already descended. Checking the time, it was well past 9 o’clock. Although he’d had alcohol, his mind was clear since it was far short of his drinking capacity.
Facing the lukewarm night breeze, he was habitually fumbling in his pocket when Yeonjun approached from behind. Eunha left that presence behind him and moved his steps to the side as if dragging them.
It was while he was entering an alley and taking out his cigarette pack.
“I understand well that you want to refuse, hyung.”
“……”
“But you don’t need to say those things about yourself.”
It was a gentle voice. However, Eunha somehow felt that voice was resolute.
To the point where he felt quite unsightly for a moment.
Eunha didn’t raise his head. He fiddled with the cigarette pack and lighter in his hand. Beyond that view, Yeonjun’s legs standing opposite were hazily caught.
To keep from focusing on that, Eunha steadily looked down at the edge of the cigarette pack.
“I understand well what you mean too. So basically, hyung, you’re sorry to me but it’s ultimately difficult, right? Because you can’t accept it.”
“……Don’t think it’s because it’s you. I was just talking about my values.”
“Meeting today was because you felt sorry toward me.”
“Yeah.”
“And you still feel sorry?”
“……Yeah.”
Probably, very much. He added quietly. The price for treating a clueless kid’s first time like a rag and fucking him should be at least that much.
As the incident he’d pushed to the back of his thoughts resurfaced, he became regretful and frustrated again, and Eunha wearily put the cigarette in his mouth. It was when he was lighting it.
“But, hyung.”
An empty laugh came like the wind.
“I think I like you too much after all.”
“……It became ‘too much’?”
“It became that way today.”
How did it become that way…
Feeling regretful, Eunha finally raised his gaze and could see Yeonjun standing at quite a close distance.
His eyes were faintly flushed as if lightly drunk. His face had no particular expression, but only those eyes were wavering with some unknowable emotion.
“So—”
“……”
“I won’t cling anymore. Hyung.”
Slowly drawing out the beginning, Yeonjun, who had shown a doubtful air about what he himself was saying, soon sent a somehow sharp gaze.
“While you’re feeling very sorry, couldn’t you just do it with me exactly ten times from now on?”
For a moment, Eunha, who had been mulling over his words, let out a snort as if finding it absurd.
“……What, sex?”
“Da… te?”
Their voices overlapped. It wasn’t difficult to grasp the cut-off latter part. Yeonjun, whose face had been blank as if grasping what he’d heard, eventually turned slightly red. Like someone whose embarrassment and absurdity had surged up simultaneously.
